Article :: Meet The Longest Married Couple In The World

I came across this article on Facebook, and wanted to share it here with you....

Meet The Longest Married Couple In the World

Two simple questions at the end, with two simple answers at the end of the article.

My thoughts from this :: Marriage is hard work, but it is simple if you take all the chaos out of it and focus on each other, goals, and work together.

Unconditional Love

One of my favorite movies is "Fireproof" and then the book that comes directly out of that movie, "The Love Dare." I'm sure that I cannot adequately describe the feelings that go into that movie, as well as what one can get out of it, as well as what I got out of the first time I watched Fireproof, and then read The Love Dare. It is amazing in every aspect, it hits home and connects to a lot of people individually and together within marriages. It is heart wrenching, yet motivating.

I have been thinking about unconditional love. (Of course if you are in an abusive relationship, this does not apply to you.) So, you fell in love and those euphoric love feelings of newlywed bliss has slipped under the rug, fallen off a cliff perhaps. Now what? Fireproof your marriage, do the Love Dare.... But what if your spouse never comes around with your attempts to fireproof the marriage, or do the love dare? Then what? I think many people turn to divorce at this point in time. What happened to for better or worse, in sickness and in health etc.? I think divorce is the easy way out, though divorce is not easy and neither is remarriage. It is hard to move forward alone, and have that unconditional love outlook, when there could be so much more and it is disheartening when there isn't or when you continue to hope and it never comes. At this point in time, I think people tend to put walls up so that the hurt of it all doesn't bombard you day-in and day-out, so that you can function on a daily basis. Emotional walls however are not healthy for anyone, but sometimes a must when you just have to do what you have to do. So, if one has to do that, how does one incorporate unconditional love into the picture? I don't have the answers to this whole thing. Just pondering it. What are your thoughts on this subject?

I think it is possible and necessary to have unconditional love, it isn't easy when you might feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. Just because your spouse isn't putting forth the efforts to make the marriage what it should be, doesn't mean that you have to stop. Though hard to engage into something that makes things questionable in your mind, that you've been hurt with, and eventually might make you feel numb too. This is me, I analyze situations whether they be what I've been through in the past, what I've been through now, or what others have or are going through.

If you are hurting and you haven't seen Fireproof, I highly recommend it. And if you have, see it again! Another great motivating movie in trialing times would be Facing the Giants.

Half a Pair of Scissors by Richard & Linda Eyre

This is a great marriage article (part 1) on oneness in marriage by some of my favorite authors & friends.

Meridian Magazine - Half a Pair of Scissors - by Richard & Linda Eyre

Attitude

I came across a quote on Facebook, that I shared on my wall. In my comment under this quote I said this:

"...okay, not always, but I really like this quote because it is true in many ways."

And then it got me thinking... where does this quote really apply in our lives? And here is the quote from the Razzles Dazzles Facebook page:


"My Attitude 
will always be 
based on how
you treat me."

The one relationship that comes to mind when I read this is from one particular past marriage, one that was emotionally abusive. I think about the actions of this individual - from the sweet talk, being nice for a few days or so and then letting their true colors rock the boat over and over again because that sweet talk is just that - sweet talk and nothing sincere or commitment-based within the marriage itself. 

When one is treated with such disrespect, with disregard to their feelings and thoughts, yes the attitude towards your spouse that is demeaning you will definitely be based in many instances on how they are treated. I remember that feeling all too well. And the thing that makes this more-so, is the very thing that makes your spouse not even realize that they are treating you this way, that they are either exempt from making mistakes or that they are over the whole marriage in "helping" (though they are actually hindering) you and the marriage rather than looking at the marriage as whole, at themselves for that matter. When we approach our spouse with this attitude, their attitude will be based on how you just treated them. Most definitely! 


I don't find that this quote is true in all circumstances, because I don't live my own life this way at all. But when someone is treating you day-in and day-out in ways that demean your spirit, your feelings, your thoughts - yes, this quote is very fitting.

Scheduling Marriage Into Your Day Planner

Really, this is some of the best advice!

If you don't schedule time to spend with your spouse, and that can be on all different levels (going out on a date, talking, watching a TV show together, intimacy, recreational activities etc.) it will just generally never happen. A little planning can go a long way. Sure, there can be spare of the moment moments and those are great! But if you are not a spare of the moment couple or one of you isn't, then it isn't going to keep your marriage going. If you aren't spending time with your spouse, if you are not doing what you need to be doing to keep this part of the marriage relationship alive and well, then the next best thing is to sit down together on a monthly basis, if not more and just schedule time in to spend together. If it sounds odd, give it a whirl for a few months and see how it goes, see if you see any improvements in your marriage - hey, it can't hurt right?!

Direct Emotion, the Why's, the Affects of Divorce

I came across an article today that is written very well with the direct and right emotion of divorce, and why not to get a divorce, and what you are faced with if you do; and not just the divorce itself, but what and how it affects others (namely your own kids)... and the latter part of what divorce can mean if you start getting involved and the craziness dating entails after you've dealt with what became a bad relationship, to what blended and/or stepfamilies deal with the majority of the time (though I will say the bumps can be less bumpy if you and your spouse actually come together as "one" not only within your marriage, but within blended families or step families.)

Of course she does note the same thing I am going to note - if you are in a abusive relationship, this does not apply to you.

I recommend this article. The only thing I do not like about it is the "beep, beep" swearing bits in the article. Other than that, it hits everything to the "T". I can see this from the points of view of where I have been in my own life, to what I deal with in the here and now of stepfamily life.


Wasbands And Wives: Seven Reasons To Stay Married 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, marriage is worth every ounce of effort and worth "fighting" for (not literal fighting of course). There are so many resources to help you individually, to help you and your spouse - there is no excuse to just throw in the towel (again, unless there is any kind of abuse going on). No one is perfect in marriage, no one is perfect period. Our knight and shining armor is the guy or gal that is standing right in front of you, the one you married. Even if your marriage is feeling hopeless, feeling like you're hanging on by a thread. Now go make your happily ever after be what works for the both of you... Stop trying to make your marriage as your best friend's, or your neighbors aka the Joneses. Do whatever it is that makes you and your spouse tick, do whatever it is that helps you grow individually (as that is important to keep yourself intact and not lose yourself), as well as doing what helps your relationship and marriage become stronger. There is a way, even if there is little will.

Finding Balance

I felt like I needed to add a little side note here off of the "Living Your Marriage Like the Joneses?"

While I think it is important not to do this - trying to live your marriage like the Joneses, it is important to figure out what works for you and your spouse, what is it that makes both of you tick together? What is it that makes things smooth or rather less bumpy? You may like something that someone else is doing in their marriage, but if it isn't right for your marriage, that is okay!

A simple suggestion that came to me at some point in time, was that part of that balance need to incorporate spiritual (whatever that may be to you), recreational, educational, etc. within not only the marriage itself, but as an individual. And not only in our marriage and individual welfare, but within the family. It is always a work in progress, but that is the foundation of finding balance; by incorporating all of those aspects into marriage and family.

If you are having trouble with it, look up some books that might set your foot on the right path. One of my favorite books for finding balance is  "Lifebalance" by Linda & Richard Eyre. Perhaps therapy would go a long way with this one or a marriage seminar or retreat! All good things to help our marriages succeed; to give us the extra boost, to enhance!

Living Your Marriage Like the Joneses?

We've all heard the term "keeping up with the Joneses" --- but have you ever thought about how that applies to you in your marriage?

This study comes out with what is healthy in the dating within marriage... This other study comes out with what is healthy intimacy-wise... And it goes on and on.

No marriage is the same as the Joneses next door. Just because they are dating this many times every week/month or their intimacy is more or less than what you are doing in your marriage doesn't mean that you or they are wrong and the other is more right. Every couple, every marriage is different; it is what best fits for you and your spouse.

I think that the media and studies can add the pressure of what you're doing right or wrong in your marriages; and yet make one think that something is terribly wrong with your marriage or your spouse even, when if you take a step back from what that study said is "normal" - you may just see that what is best for you and your spouse is completely fine, completely content, completely ideal to your situation, your love languages... essentially the way you "tango" in every aspect of your marriage is absolutely just fine. Of course we all could use room for improvement, and marriage is always a work in progress. But just because the Joneses are doing something totally opposite to what you may be doing in your marriage, doesn't make your marriage a failure, it doesn't make your marriage bad, or crippled or make it out to be wrong. Everyone does it differently, for various reasons, namely because your ideal marriage is different from someone else.

I think once people get their marriages out of the Joneses book, they might just see what is normal for them and be able to emphasize more on what they are doing right, what they need to be doing, and move forward rather than blame this or that and compare to the studies or what the Joneses might be doing.

So, what can you do to create what is right in your marriage?

Distractions Part 2

After I posted "Distractions" - I did a little soul searching. Knowing I still needed to work on this area of my life, I started to figure out what I needed to do and what exactly did I need to eliminate that wasn't imperative for me to keep. I connect to things on an emotional level, so while this might seem like a fairly simple thing to do - eliminating distractions, it can be sometimes a painful process. But worth it in the end.

Besides this blog, I have another one that I am passionate about called Yours, Mine & Ours. I'm sure I am not completely leaving that blog, but I am stepping back from it a bit. I want to be able to reach out to others because I find that to be really important; having felt alone at a time in my life of going through what I did and not knowing for a time if what I was feeling was normal or I was going crazy was really difficult. It is like a big black cloud that follows you wherever you go and rains down upon you without any sight of sunshine ever peeking through. I feel like I can step back a bit from my other blog because I am involved with two great stepmom groups, one of them being with many of who I consider my best friends. I have a place with them that keeps that sunshine peeking through. I am not stepping away from this blog however, as I have a passion for this subject as well. And with my own experiences with divorce and divorce always on the rise and struggling marriages for different reasons, I hope to be able to help give some insight to help you in your marital journey.

Over a year, plus some I have realized something about myself that I am not sure how to really reign in or improve really, but I am always analyzing myself and always trying to figure out how best I can to improve myself and a whole, but the relationships I have with others and so on.

Other distractions I have stepped away from was groups I was on that were more or less crowding out everything else on my news feed on Facebook. Many of the people I associate with, within those groups I am direct friends with and/or I have their email and can be contacted if needed via that route than having hundreds of extra feeds coming from several different directions. I have thought about completely deactivating my account for a time, but I'm not sure if that is something that I want to even do. First, we'll see how it goes with eliminating some of the distractions coming several different directions before I deactivate and go back to the "simple" life of technology - email and text messaging and actually calling people and talking on the phone.

I guess I just have to find a niche here to get less distracted in my life and have more time in my day to do what is most important than try to keep up with everything that is pulling me in a thousand (it feels like at times) directions than where I really need to be.

Have you found yourself in these instances before? What did you do to resolve the issue? Or has your spouse tried to help you see that you may need to take less distractions out of your days? Did you feel angry with them for this? Do you think that maybe they just want to spend some time with you or as a family? I believe that moving forward has to come with the first step of realizing there is a problem within yourself before you can make a healthy step in the right direction for yourself and for your spouse and family.

Distractions

Recently I have read a couple of articles on the distractions in marriages. Distractions that take us away from what is most important. Distractions that seem to sometimes have our finger wrapped around whatever it may be rather than what is most important - our spouse.

I have "suffered" from these distractions before, and on occasions I still do, though not as bad and I am a work in progress - (you may have figured out that one of my favorite motto's is "we all have room for improvement") - that is me, learning and improving as I go. I have an addictive personality, and I have to be constantly aware of that so I am focusing on moving forward rather than engrossing myself in things that are not of real benefit. I have to be careful with my time and really have my priorities straight.

What are some of the distractions in your marriage?

How about Facebook or other networking sites?
TV?
Video games?

Do you even really realize how it is affecting your spouse? Your marriage?

There was a time where I realized I was a part of too many websites, and I unsubscribed from many of them. And had to make a conscious effort to prioritize what was important to me online and what I could do without. Of course I am always getting offers to check out other social networking sites from friends, but I just have to turn my head the other way or politely say "no thanks."

When I got involved with Facebook, I had no idea what I was really getting myself into. It took me a good long time to pull away from the initial shock and bombardment of everything Facebook is and has to offer. I had to come up with a plan of action otherwise I had to just turn my back to it. I'm still working out the kinks and learning as I go, but not as involved as I was.

And, there was a time where my charm and I just weren't really spending any time together. And I felt like I was trying to get his attention, to spend some time together, but he was on his laptop, doing what I don't really know and eventually I just gave up and found something else to do. Though, my something else was not real positive for myself or our marriage. I was in the computer room, essentially wasting time and hoping that eventually we'd come together - though how does that happen when we are living in the same household, but spending time away from each other in two separate rooms?

During those times, I did waste my time on the computer. Though I have some good solid productivity on the computer that include some of my hobbies, such as journaling, our family website, creating photo books on Shutterfly, blogging, as well as staying in touch with my friends who keep me sane in this crazy thing called life. I also do side work with genealogy, and try and do that in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed. I have had to set aside a time each month to do these activities that really mean a lot to me. But then there is all the other stuff that bombards us on the computer that just really pulls more away from us.

I always think about how much technology is a great tool, yet it is also evil in more ways than one. I am a Christian, and I do believe that Satan has a good hold on people through media (video games and TV), through the many distractions of the computer. Just one more way of destroying the family, center to God's plan and destroying marriage. Sometimes these things can lead people down other paths that can destroy yourself, your marriage, and family. I urge you to take a good look at yourself and see where your behaviors are in regards to the distractions in your marriage. And don't go blaming your spouse for your behavior, of why you are playing a video game or other distractions that take away from the marriage itself. If you are doing that to fill a void within your marriage by doing something completely unrelated to the nurturing or growth of your marriage - well it really isn't helping, but hindering.

I know that at one point I made a point to spend my time on the computer because trying to spend time with my charm just didn't seem to be happening. But I realized the error of my mistake when I did that. So, I tried to replace that habit with something else, only it still wasn't the best of things being that it was two TV shows that were late at night, a time when I could have been spending it with my charm. Somehow, some way I needed to figure out how to reign our marriage in and relay my needs to spend time together, as I believed that he did too - we just simply weren't.

One of the things I think about, a motivator for me is that I never want my spouse or my children to ever feel like my time on the computer is more important than they are. I think about that and what a terrible feeling that would be for them, and what a bad example I would be to them in regards to healthy time spent on these distractions. For instance, if I spend time with my spouse or my son on the Wii for a short period of time, then that is healthy. If I spend time on the Wii by myself while my spouse wants to spend time with me me or my children need me or they want me to play with them, that is unhealthy.

Our marriages need nurturing on a daily basis! I am no angel when it comes to this, I have my faults, and am always a work in progress.

One of the articles I read is called "My Wife Is NOT My Friend (On Facebook)" This is a great article, and really puts things into perspective of just how fast, yet like a frog in a pot of water that is being slowly warmed up to its death doesn't suspect or see what is really going on until it is too late. Our marriages with all of these distractions are unhealthy for more reasons than one, the lack of nurturing, lack of effective communication and so on are unhealthy and over a period of time, though sometimes quickly leads us to hanging on by a rope in our marriages; we are essentially at our marital death.

And this is the other article I came across: "Addiction? Video games crowded out man's real life"
He talks about the video game World of Warcraft and just how much it affected his life as a whole. I think about how our minds are such precious gifts to us from God Himself. What are we really subjecting ourselves to? Are we enhancing our minds or destroying them? Sure a little fun with video games can be good fun, good activity times even with your spouse, but if you're so tied into something that you just can't take yourself away from it or it is replacing time with the lack of whatever is going on in your marriage, get yourself away from it and get some help for yourself, for your marriage, for your family!

Quote from "Love and Awakening"

"A soul connection is a resonance between two people who respond to the essential beauty of each other’s individual natures, behind their facades, and who connect on this deeper level. This kind of mutual recognition provides the catalyst for a potent alchemy.

It is a sacred alliance whose purpose is to help both partners discover and realize their deepest potentials. While a heart connection lets us appreciate those we love just as they are, a soul connection opens up a further dimension — seeing and loving them for who they could be, and for who we could become under their influence. This means recognizing that we both have an important part to play in helping each other become more fully who we are.

A soul connection not only inspires us to expand, but also forces us to confront whatever stands in the way of that expansion. Someone who loves us can often see our soul potential more clearly than we can ourselves. When this happens, it has a catalytic effect; it invites and encourages dormant, undeveloped parts of us to come forth and find expression.

Indeed, we are often most strongly attracted to those who we sense “will make us live — and die — more intensely… A soul connection not only inspires us to expand, but also forces us to confront whatever stands in the way of that expansion. – John Welwood, “Love and Awakening"

I saw this thought on Facebook today and had to share it here. My first thought was wow! And I so need to get this book and read it!

The second thought I had drew me the the book "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson regarding how we all seek and need emotional security and without it the connection feels far away, it feels gone at times, it feels shaky. Emotional security is so important! If you have no idea what I am talking about, I urge you to read "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. Perhaps we all should read "Love and Awakening" by John Welwood as well! This quote reminded me of emotional security in a more intensified way.

What do you think of this quote? Have you read this book? Share your thoughts about it.

"Put the Past in the Past..." Screech.... Stop... Rethink

I'm sure throughout your lifetime you have heard some of these phrases:

"put the past in the past..."
"forgive and forget..."
...that you or your spouse has learned to "let things go"

I think these phrases have great meaning; but at the same time, I think they take them a little too far with how life really plays out, how life should be treated - marriage should be treated.

"put the past in the past..." -- We can put the past in the past in marriage IF the past has been resolved. If your spouse has hurt you in some way or another, and if it is in the past and you're still hurting from it. Well, it still is an issue because it hasn't been resolved. Issues cannot be put in the past simply because they are in the past.

"forgive and forget..." ---- Likewise, issues that have not been resolved can certainly be forgiven, but impossible to move forward within the marriage when they haven't been dealt with appropriately. What if your spouse feels betrayed by you from the past? Sorry goes a long way, but so does never doing it again, so does doing what they need you to do so they can keep moving forward - if you do something that sends some sort of "alert" signal to them because of something that happened in the past, then you need to know that you should not do that anymore, they NEED that from you. Things cannot be forgotten unless you help them to heal and help them to move forward with the things they need you to do in the process of it all.

...have you learned to "let things go" --- So, you've learned to let things go... have you considered whether that is really all that healthy or not? Perhaps letting things go on small scale like an opinion - perhaps your spouses opinion for something is very important to them in one way or another and your opinion on the matter can just be let go; that can be healthy. But what about something that needs closure (even if it is an opinion), what about an argument, what about whether or not someone was hurt by the situation itself? Then do you let it go? Absolutely not! Even if you feel like you yourself can "let it go" - don't expect that your spouse does. And don't make yourself superior over your spouse because you have "let it go", if you truly have, then work through it because you love your spouse, because you want the marriage to be unified. Don't portray yourself as 'I've let it go, and you haven't so, therefore I have evolved to a higher plain of existence, and because you are still angry with me, you are not as advanced.' This is not a loving relationship, this is rude, it is demeaning, it pushes the marriage and your spouse in the complete opposite direction.

If you've hurt your spouse and you try to move forward, acting like everything is just fine, trying to do those little things that normally would enhance a marriage, tend to be rather annoying and drag down the marriage rather than helping it because the very issue that you may feel should just simply be in the past and be forgiven is actually still very much in the face of your marriage.

I remember in one of my previous marriages, my spouse treating me terribly, never resolving the issue that was incredibly hurtful to me, then treating me nice for a day or so and then wondering why I wasn't being receptive to the niceness he displayed and then asking me when I would be normal again? Here I was hurt beyond anything I can really describe, and a little niceness does not put a bandaid over the hurt at all, in fact it makes it worse because the language coming from this is that his bad behavior should just simply be forgiven, it was no big deal (on the contrary it was) and because he was nice to me suddenly, that my feelings and needs don't matter, and we moving forward is key for him. Yet resolving the issue at hand is key for the marriage, for your spouse. Not doing that just hurts worse, it creates resentment, it makes the issue bigger because you're just hurting them more over the initial hurt you caused. None of it was ever resolved, the issue is still in the face of marriage, and will not be put in the past simply because time is moving forward and in the literal sense it is the past, but in the normal human world of emotions it is not put in the past and must be worked through.

Do you think maybe your spouse's feelings are wrong? That perhaps their reaction or emotion to the incident is wrong? That what they see is not how it is, so again, they are wrong? Have you ever considered how you might look like in front of your spouse? What does your body language speak? How about the tone in your voice? Or even how you speak to them? Body language, tone of voice, and your words can either help your spouse feel secure in the relationship or you might as well just show them your middle finger. Let me ask you this, how can you place your idea of what emotion they feel is right or wrong? Or what they perceived the incident as? Everyone has different perceptions, it doesn't mean it is wrong. Are we not all human? Do we all not feel? Emotions comes in all shapes and sizes, it isn't wrong for your spouse to have emotion. Emotions are a part of life, a part of marriage.

What matters is how we deal with the emotions that either A. create unity in our marriage or B. a wall is placed between you and your spouse. ---- Telling your spouse that their emotions is wrong is putting a wall between the two of you. Not to mention, telling your spouse that their emotions are wrong, are actually putting yourself in the wrong by saying such a thing. Saying such things makes you superior over them, displays that you really don't care one ditty about their feelings. Putting a wall between the two of you comes from not working through issues, and I would like to highlight that working through issues even if you need to bring them back up from the past, does not make it bad. Keeping them in the past without ever working through them is what is bad. Do you want unity in your marriage? Care about them, care about their feelings, understand their feelings, learn to understand their feelings, help them heal by working through it by what they need from you to work through it; and be receptive in their healing, be the person who is on their knees (figuratively speaking) looking up with sincere apology in your heart and soul and want to work together.

The sad part about this is, all too often the spouse who displays superiority over their spouse tends to go unchecked; in that no matter how many times their spouse tries to find unity within the marriage, tries to help resolve the issue(s), even tries to go to therapy to have the marriage get help, the superior spouse doesn't see the wrong and hurtful things they are doing to pretty much dissolve the marriage itself, and to push away their spouse further. The superior spouse finds blame in every direction you can imagine and that blame is placed solely upon their spouses head. When this goes on and the superior spouse never realizes that this kind of contribution to the marriage actually kills the marriage, it also goes along the lines of emotional abuse. How do I know this? Because I've lived in this kind of abuse before, because a marital therapist thoroughly went over "superior" spouses and how it relates to emotional abuse. There is no sugar-coated truth to this, it is simply abuse, and it is wrong to be treated in such a way.

I have seen where some superior spouses realize the error of their ways and they step down from their pedestal to embrace their spouse in love, in kindness, in caring, in wanting to make the marriage work together. And fantastic when they do, fantastic when they humble themselves enough to realize that both spouses have an important role in the marriage, that they are equals.

Even in regular, run-of-the-mill marriages (without abuse situations) hurt feelings, anger, resentment happens and it can't just be felt and then not dealt with. It cannot just be pushed to the past, it must be worked through. If it isn't worked through between you and your spouse, it continues to fester and smoulder negative feelings which does not foster a nurturing feeling within oneself and your marriage as whole. It will always affect how you deal with issues in the here and now until it is resolved, until it is healed. It will also affect your overall feelings towards your spouse and hinder the ability to fully embrace a loving, caring relationship.

Deal with the issue head on. Bringing up the past is exactly what needs to happen, and sometimes you have to discuss that issue more than once, because the person who has been hurt by it has to heal from it. It doesn't simply just go away. Not dealing with it head on, just sours the marriage even more.

If you're not sure of how to deal with issues, if you're not sure how to work them out, get into therapy and I would highly recommend looking into a therapist that specializes in emotional focused therapy (EFT). There are different approaches to therapy and a lot of good can come out of it if you are not one above the other, only if you are willing to become unified in the marriage.

"So you can have a disagreement and still love each other and not get divorced?"

I have always felt that talking in private away from children was good for the marriage, showing respect for one another, putting each other first, and not demeaning each others authority or as a person in light of your children or stepchildren. I still feel that way. However, a new light has come into play for me with this.

Think about this... how did you feel growing up and watching your parents solve or maybe not solve arguments, disagreements, opinions? Did they show you that effective communication could come about with solving issues? Or did they fight and you never saw anything positive come from it? Do you feel negative feelings or positive feelings towards how your own parents handled conflicts in their marriage? Does it feel good to have witnessed what you did with your own parents? Are you affected by their interactions for the good or for the bad?

Now think about your own kids, how do you want them to feel towards you regarding how to handle conflict, disagreements, different opinions etc. Would you like them to feel resentment toward you because of negativity that was displayed between you and your spouse? Would you feel sad or hurt that they felt this way towards you? What can you do to show them that two people can have a disagreement and it be okay - would that be like a new trend? Our therapist said something to the lines of children saying, "So you can have a disagreement and still love each other and not get divorced?" What about just showing them how to work through conflict?

So, what if you don't know how to work through conflict? No matter where you are at in your marriage (unless there is abuse going on) therapy can do wonders with teaching you new ways, new insights, and coming together as one. Sometimes a mediator to show you the way is just what you need. I would also highly recommend to get a therapist who focuses on emotional focused therapy, as talked in the "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson book.

You have to remember that we all have room for improvement, no matter how old you are, no matter how many years you've been married. Get the "tools" you need with each other and work towards a better future for your marriage relationship and for your family. What you display or don't display in front of them goes a long way either negatively or positively in their own life. And yes, just because we are subjects from our past, doesn't mean that we can't change the cycle, it doesn't mean that we can't better ourselves so that we can have good marriage. We don't have to be a carbon copy of something maybe we didn't like in our parents marriage. At the same time, perhaps you found some positive and insightful moments in your parents marriage that you can take and enhance your own marriage as well. And kudos to those parents who showed their kids such positivity! Knowing what our spouse went through as a kid, can help us understand what makes certain aspects of communication hard for them now, but that doesn't mean it has it has to be excused... you can relearn or reprogram yourself to handle situations in the best way for you and your spouse, for your marriage, and for your family.

Some situations should obviously be talked privately between you and your spouse and you should know what those are - most of us are pretty intelligent when it comes to such things. But a new light came on for me recently about discussing even opinions in front of our children /stepchildren. Show them the process of effective communication, learning about the need to understand point of views, and working it through. What a great teaching moment that would be for them, for all of their relationships in life, but especially when they get married.

Would it be great if your kids learned effective communication through you and your spouse? Their parents? And/or bio-parent/step-parent? Would you want your kids to learn effective communication through you and take that into their own marriages in the future? So they can resolve conflicts and strengthen their marriage from the get-go? What an amazing difference that would make in their own lives! What a difference it would make in your own life and marriage!

Different Opinions

Every post is open for comments, but I would really love to open this one up for discussion. I would love to get your feedback.

What do you do if you and your spouse has a different opinion? How do you handle it?

My charm and I are learning to deal with disagreements, including different opinions. Here is my opinion on this subject:

I find that many times throughout my marriage that if the issue is something that I don't hold with high importance, many times the best thing, in my opinion is to just let it go. It isn't about winning, it isn't about who is right and who is wrong, it is about loving the other person enough to let it go if it is that important to them.

If the disagreement is regarding parenting or regarding your children in general (even stepchildren) - out of respect the discussion should be met in privacy between you and your spouse. Again, in my opinion, this helps the marriage itself stay within oneness, stay as equals, partners, a team. If needs be, you can come back to the situation with the children and share what the ultimate decision is. But ultimately taking sides between your children and your spouse can be really hurtful and demean the individual as well as the marriage itself. Also, it shows children that they have power over their parents which turns into disrespect.

Those are just two of the things that come to mind that I see as being helpful. What are your thoughts, ideas? What helps you in your marriage?

Wake-up Call for Couples - Meridian Magazine

Meridian Magazine - Wake-up Call for Couples - Meridian Magazine - LDS, Mormon and Latter-day Saint News and Views

by Gary & Joy Lundberg

They have some great points here for couples - whether you are LDS or not. Good read!

Some highlights from this article are:

• Remember what brought you together

• Be the same person wherever you are

• Keep sexual intimacy alive and well

• Talk about birth control

• Express your love

• Know what it means to be married

• Find joy in your marriage

Emotional Abuse

The other day I was looking for something memorable from the past and instead of finding the item I was in search for, I came across two journals. I started reading one of them and it took me back to my 2nd marriage. It was rather hard to read, as it brought back the emotions so intensely...

Here you marry someone that you love. And suddenly dreams shatter within an instance when you are suddenly in some sort of nightmare of your own Dr. Jeckll / Mr. Hyde. At least that is what it felt like at times. I have someone close to me right now that is going through something very similar in her marriage and when I read through my entries, I thought 'wow 'this describes their spouse to the "T".... It is always hard to see someone else regardless if they are someone close or not going through emotional and spiritual abuse. It really takes a toll on your whole being. Thankfully, after what I went through in my past, I wasn't going to tolerate the behavior towards me - though it was extremely hurtful and demeaning; I was a stronger individual and I wanted to do everything I could to get us to a point of working it out together and moving forward. I tried everything in my own power to do that very thing, only you can't make the other person see the issues at hand. Issues that cannot just be let go and move on to better roads. Better roads come to those who work through the issues, who heal from them, who come together and find ways to make it work. Even our therapist tried to get through to him regarding the attitude that he displayed. It was as if he was out to get me and do everything he could to find reason why I was who he envisioned me to be (some crazy woman), when I was far from that. He wanted me to be "normal" when "normal" couldn't happen until we worked through some serious issues, some deep hurt. Niceness for a few hrs or days doesn't erase the betrayal, the lack of trust, the deep hurt - it doesn't mean that "normal" happens until we as a couple work through well, the marriage itself.

Words can destroy a human soul. That is why emotional abuse is so incredibly hard to get away from, it is hard to wrap your mind around moving away from because there isn't really any "physical" evidence of abuse. But emotional abuse is the worse kind, it snares you to the deepest and darkest shadows.

Oh there was much more than the treating like crap, being nice for a little bit to try and get what he wanted, and when my need for working things out came into the light, threats and/or using his thoughts of what was wrong with me as a weapon against me was his way to gain "control" and the cycle just continued. We went to marital therapy, marriage classes, our Bishop....

I won't share the details of what occurred, as I don't want to step on anyone's toes, ex-IL's and family to be specific, as I am still very much a part of their lives and care about them a lot. I just want to be able to hold out to my hand to those that may be struggling with abuse in their marriage. It is absolutely maddening, scary at times, and it hurts. Here the one person that is supposed to love you, doesn't even know the meaning of love, they demean you in ways that bring you to lows you never thought you could get to.

This is a link I have at the bottom of the blog, but will share it here as well. This is an article that someone gave to me, an article that hit home with what I was experiencing. "The Invisible Heartbreaker". I believe that many couples are going through this very experience, which just is heart wrenching. And while this article is directed towards members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, much of the article I'm sure you can relate to if you are not a member and are going through emotional abuse.

Do what you can to save your marriage, but remember that you can only change yourself, you cannot make your spouse change. Remember that you do not deserve to be abused, even if you don't have physical evidence, you have a soul that is worth more than what your spouse is dishing out to you. Remember that you are a daughter of God, or even a son of God (yes even men can be abused by their wives) and He loves you and you deserve better, you are worthy to be treated with respect, love, and kindness. We all have room for improvement, but you are not the blame of everything that has gone wrong in your marriage or his life.

It seems that most abusers out there, from what I can gather is that they cannot take responsibility for their actions - no matter what it is, they are above the blame and the blame is on the person that is closest to them - you. Sometimes blame trickles out onto other individuals, but you get the brunt of it. Again, we have room for improvement but you cannot be blamed for every single breath you make. You have good heart & a sweet spirit, don't let your spouse destroy it! Get the help you need to get to a better place, to heal, to move forward - even if it without your spouse! Living under a roof of constant blame, belittling, disrespect, rudeness, sweet talk (the temporary bandaid), and I could go on and on is not a life anyone should have to deal with. Get some help! Find support!

Take the Steps to Get Out! Now!

I'm going to dive into my past here a bit, in hopes to help anyone else that might be in an abusive relationship.

The people who are on the outside of the box looking in always comments on "Why don't you just get out? Why do you let him/her treat you this way?" etc.

Physical and Emotional abuse are very hard to get away from. If there is physical abuse going on, there is most certainly emotional abuse going on. Emotional abuse is our heavy anchor that won't allow us to think that we are worthy to escape, it has brought us down or even lower than we already maybe were to a level of despair, of low self-esteem, self-confidence. You question yourself in every aspect of your life. While deep down you know what this person is doing to you is wrong, getting away from it proves to be life-threatening, so staying is easier though very scary.

The abuser always portrays themselves as being on a pedestal -- higher than you. Anything that goes wrong in their day or their life or your life as a whole is your fault. They do not take responsibility for their actions or their words. They hurt you and turn around and sweet talk you back to thinking maybe there is hope that they will change. Or sweet talk you back to a "safe" zone just to turn around and backhand you with their actions or words. You often hear from victims of abuse that he loves me after she was just bruised - whether that be physical bruises or emotional bruises. Part of the "he loves me" talk is that if you don't say he wants you to say, even though it isn't truth, you know you'll get hurt worse the next time... just as trying to escape, to leave is nearly impossible because you will get hurt worse and perhaps even fear for your life, so holding onto your life though it isn't really yours (in abuse) and is under their control is all you have to hold onto.

When I was in HS and just out of HS I was in a "relationship" that was emotionally and physically abusive. It went on for 3 years; 3 years of hell. I tried numerous times to escape, but the hold was strong and others that should have helped when I reached out and they also knew what was going on only contributed to the issues. And even when those that I loved most did try to help, though they really had no idea what was going on, they only knew that the "relationship" was taking a negative toll on my life - they tried and I am glad they never gave up trying; even when I wanted to reach out and grab onto their rope they were tossing to me, I felt I had no choice but to stomp on it and walk the other direction. It is called being deathly scared. A passerby in a car watching inside of our car signaled to me if I needed help, and I did, I really, really did and I hoped that they would come through for me... but nothing happened. Nothing. I think of that moment off and on, I believe that asking for help from a total stranger was easier because my abuser didn't have any kind of association with them, they weren't above him or below him, they were just there. And when that help didn't follow through, my hope of getting out became slimmer and slimmer. Oh how I wish I would have called the police... numerous times. I wish things would have been different. I wish that perfect strangers that saw what was happening wouldn't turn the other cheek, embarrassed, not really knowing what to do and not understanding why I didn't just run. I wish they would have helped, showed my abuser that what he was doing was dead wrong. I wish I would have never gone through what I did.

I had already been suffering from depression, the last thing I needed was to get into any kind of relationship but especially an abusive one. So because I was already suffering from depression, I was brought down further into the depths of a different kind of hell. In essence, I was trapped under his control.

THERE IS NEVER A REASON, A JUSTIFICATION FOR ABUSE --- EVER!

I won't recount the things I do remember from that abusive relationship. I have forgiven my abuser, and I do believe I have healed from the incidents. I don't think about what happened on a daily basis, but they are incidents that I will never forget. I do hope through the experiences I have had, that somehow I will be able to help someone else.

For every negative expression thrown at you, replace it in your mind and heart with something positive even if you don't believe in it anymore - thanks to your spouse or significant other who smothered it to death. Tell yourself over and over again, "I do not deserve this!" --- "abuse is NOT love".... Positive reinforcement, like daily affirmations will start to arm you with courage. Try and surround yourself with those that lift you up. Find a support group. Make a plan and get out! Do whatever you need to do so your abuser will not hurt you anymore! And get to a therapist to help you heal from the abuse you've dealt with.

This may sound really strange, but the one thing that helped me cut my ties was after I got my first job, I bought myself a car. It was MY car, it was MY responsibility, and it gave me some sense of "power" to take the steps I needed to get away. That car was a symbol of simply my lifesaver in many ways.

And while I healed from the abuse, I ended up in two marriages after that that were negative, which I will at some later point in time get into those as well. During that process however, I learned a lot about myself, about forgiveness. I am grateful to the therapists that gave me those insights into myself and to help me move forward and make healthier decisions.

Below are some resources for abuse.

Journey through Emotional Focused Therapy

Again, I am revisiting "Resources"

This is the part I am revisiting in that article:

"I use the knowledge I learned from these marriage enriching courses in the marriage that I am in now. We work together as a couple, as a team, what a difference that makes in everything you do."

I did use these techniques and knowledge I had learned and I tried to teach my charm about them to help our own marriage. In the beginning (before marriage) we did have some good communication, but like with many marriages the idea of the "prize" being won and the things we did when we were courting just kind of slips out the door; though I do believe that some of our own circumstances had to do with our stepfamily beginnings as well. I thought for a long time we were effectively communicating, but realized as our therapist and in the book "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson puts it, that I was the one to engage and the more I engaged, the more my charm disengaged and for reason, reason that was discovered in therapy. More than that though, not having both of us having the opportunity to gather this knowledge together, truly understanding it to the "T" together was part in problem as far as effectively using these techniques in our own marriage. I will tell you that I personally did not understand for a long time why my charm could not understand that we could actually talk, resolve issues, disagreements, come to compromising solutions etc without the yelling, the fighting, the I'm-going-to-get-the-last-word-in or prove my point crap, the confrontation. But, we are learning why we do what we do, why we approach the way we do and we are learning to do it better and do it together effectively and learning to pull away from the examples of the past or through our past.

In "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson, she talks about what she calls "demon dialogues" - she gives 3 examples of these dialogues. While reading these dialogues, I realized that we were in two of them. I have also realized that while I can see that the fighting both directions in relationships does no good neither does engaging and disengaging nor does both keeping silent. The scary thing about the 3rd dialogue is that if a relationship gets to the silent part, both partners in essence have pretty much given up and this is generally where a therapist or divorce comes. Divorce has never been an option for me, I'm always willing to work through the issues (unless of course they are abusive situations, then the best thing for everyone is to get out), even if they are serious issues and I will do whatever I can to make it work because it is important to me, it is important for our kids.

Right now in our new adventures, we are learning to really dive into our love languages. And because we now have understood our demon dialogue, we can start to move forward and stop the cycle and become more emotionally secure.

The Ideal - Revisted

Here is the previous post: The Ideal

I have been thinking about this for weeks, and sometimes find myself feeling like this is a trick question - what is my ideal marriage in 5, 10, 50 years... I have a few ideas here and there. Tonight, however, I decided I would try and jot them down. Because I am a visual person, next to the 5, 10 and 50 years, I added what the year would be. Then I decided I would add how old my charm and I would be, as well as how old the kids will be. It made it more easier for me to figure out where we'd all be at in life.

What is funny is that I also added 25 years in there, because I got to 50 and realized that we'll probably be dead by then. LOL!

So, I have 5, 10, and 25 years... though I will try my best to figure out the 50 years... if we are here. I'll maybe share what I come up with.

Clarifying Your Love Language

Love Tank - Is it Filled or Empty?

Well, now that you've established (or are establishing) what your love language is, what is next? Your spouse doing it seems pretty logical. But, what if you don't exactly know what the specifics are of your spouses love language?

I believe it is in the book, "The 5 Love Languages" - a suggestion to write 5 things down so that your spouse has a small "map" for your love language.

My primary love language is Gifts, secondary is Acts of Service. Seems pretty cut and dry right? Perspectives come into play regarding this, but if we don't clarify what it is that draws us towards our love languages, our love tanks might not be able to fill up. It goes along the lines of - if you and I had the same love language, it doesn't mean that the specifics of the love language are the same, we really need to clarify these things to our spouse.

So for instance, with Gifts - I do look forward to gifts on the regular occasions; birthday, Valentine's day, Mother's day - but on this day, homemade gifts are fantastic - or even gifts that show appreciation for being a mom and all that entails, anniversary, Christmas. I don't expect a gift every day, though a just for the heck of it gifts are great - a card; in fact one card that my charm gave to me once is a treasured item for me, a just for the heck of it-letting you know I love you card and why. One of my other treasured items was a card given to me on Mother's day after I had our first child, my charm made it on the computer with a picture of our son, some words that made it seem that he was giving it to me rather than himself. It was the perfect card, perfect gift. Loved it! Another just for the heck of it, I was thinking of you today would simply be a favorite treat. There has been several occasions as of late that my charm has left me a surprise in the office - for me to find, as simple as a Snickers bar.

But that isn't all that can lift me up for gifts - I find that doing just for the heck of it treats on occasion (edible or not) for the kids; Shutterfly photo books - an ongoing project of mine to get the kids' baby books, family vacation books, milestone books; fulfilling traditions throughout the year, like Valentines Day (I love giving something to the kids), Easter, Halloween, their birthday's - not only their gifts, but doing their special 1-year combined family party, friend birthday parties, heck, even the party I did for my charm last year when he turned 40 was filling my love tank up. You can actually read about all that I did/all that it entails for that in my article "How to Plan a Fabulous 40th Birthday Party." One of these days I'd like to do a neighbor/family/friend Halloween Party..... that would require us to be in a house though and we are in a condo at the moment. I think the entertainer in me comes directly from my own mom, who is fabulous when it comes to such things! Creating family traditions, fulfilling family traditions - vacations. Oh and making a house a home... I love decorating. You get the idea.

Then there is Acts of Service, which I am still learning about what ties to that with me. But some of those things are that my needs are not dismissed, that all of our needs are met... next to wants... (I don't want to always deprive our kids of their wants - of course balanced out of needs and wants are important - because if you take it all away all of the time, their perception as they grow up with wants will become a negative outlook or managed negatively with their money - I do not want that for them. I want them to have a healthy balance with needs and wants; wants are natural to each and everyone, taking it away would be taking part of the joy out of life and what would they have to look forward to?) So besides providing for our family - it is doing/choosing things that better oneself overall; other Acts of Service would be things I have asked to be done around our home.

We are working towards both of our love languages, and we are learning more and more about each other each day. When our love languages aren't being met, our love feels dry, out of service, we feel insecure, not cared for or loved, we simply are in a day to day routine without much thought of the other person - when they should be our first thought each day and give our 100% to them each day. It can actually be quite the adventure if you are on a constant journey to do things and find things that will benefit your spouse's love language.

One of my favorite scriptures is: "When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God", Mosiah 2:17 - This scripture obviously refers to everyone, but lets put it into the context of your spouse. How about this scripture: "Those who embark in the service of God should serve with their whole hearts", D&C 4:2 - Again, refer this to your spouse - serve your spouse 100%, it isn't a 50/50 arrangement, it is a 100%!

Love Tank - Is it Filled or Empty?

So, going back to my post on "Resources"---

I said:

"I have found it sad to see so many who feel that the "prize" has been won, so there is no reason to continue to impress, to continue to date, to continue to do the things you did as you were courting, the very things that brought you together, the very things that made you fall in love with one another"

I can SEE this, yet even in my marriage we lack in this very thing. I would imagine that most marriages fall into this category to some degree or another - in that, you have the euphoric love feelings in the beginning, can't stop thinking about one another, don't want to spend one minute of any day without them, do things together that you enjoy with one another, even do things that might impress him/her. Then you get married, and that euphoric love is still there, but so many things that used to be either start slowly or immediately drop out of the picture - leaving you with a sense you've maybe lost love, wondered why he/she doesn't care about you anymore etc.

If you haven't yet read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman - do it now; because this will enlighten you with yet another insight about your spouse, yourself, and your marriage. Why things feel "off", why the love you once felt for each other is maybe stale, why you might just feel like room mates.

Don't just do the quiz to find out what your primary love language is... read the book so it really binds you to why the love languages are so engrained in us, why they are so important. And don't say that your primary is ALL of the love languages - because you DO have a primary and when the primary is filled, then everything else tends to just fall into place. Telling your spouse that you are ALL of them can feel overwhelming.

I have read the book before, ages ago in fact. I have reread it recently and then read it to my charm. It has been a great insight and re-insight. We took the quiz, and I was actually surprised a little at what my primary and secondary is, but as I look more into it, it makes a lot of sense. And it is amazing to me when we really internalize how we feel when your spouse does something special, that it really does feel like your "love tank" fills up. On the same token, if your love language isn't or hasn't been met, your love tank is dry.... and you can really feel that. It is also amazing to me that when we are both doing what our love languages are - how much better our marriage really is! How much more in tune we are with each other, how much more we care, that there is less tension, and our priorities tend to be set more straight. We feel like we have more room to push forward than to sit at a standstill or fall off the fence backwards.

So ya, just go pick up your copy of The 5 Love Languages today!

Dealing with Conflict

How to Deal Effectively With Conflict

This is from the Gary Chapman's Website... One of my favorite books of his is The 5 Love Languages (which I will touch on in another post at a later time). I will from time to time share some articles such as these that just really click. Tell me what you think of this article?

Forgiveness Part 3

There is a great website for stepmoms & ex-wives called No One's The Bitch. There, they have an article that I wanted to share here since we are on a bit of a roll with forgiveness. While this forgiveness list is directed towards stepmoms, ex-wives, or your ex - this is good within marriage itself IMO.

Here is the direct link: TOP TEN REASONS to Forgive the Stepmom, the Ex-wife, or your Ex

Forgiveness Part 2

If you haven't had the opportunity to check out the first post on Forgiveness, click HERE

This isn't always an easy part of forgiving, but is a must in any relationship:

Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong and the other person is right.

It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.

~ Unknown

Have you been in an argument where you both felt you were right, where you went in circles trying to prove the other one wrong? Who was wrong and who was right is a whole other subject. I'm not even going to delve into that one, at least not yet. So, in the process of bickering back and forth, sometimes you just have to walk away from it... take a breather... Bickering for one doesn't get very far on the positive scale. And how does it help for both of you to walk away and not one of you come back to apologize - ever thought about both of you being in the wrong? Esp how you're treating each other by bickering back and forth? Effective communication, forgiveness, apologizing isn't always about waiting for the other one to say sorry. You may still have a POV to the issue, as does your spouse - but treating each other with the way you are communicating is a good reason to come back to each other and simply say "I'm really sorry that I talked to you like that... I am really sorry that I made you feel bad..." Starting over with your conversation with your spouse in mind instead of your POV in mind will go along way. And if you are unsure of how to do this, investigate what the best technique is for you and your marriage. I would highly recommend "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson, I would also recommend The Speaker Listener Technique - with this however, I would look into finding a marital class for you both to go to - this is better learned in a hands-on setting, though it does take time to learn the technique, it is worth it.

Forgiveness is a must to keep the peace, to keep our vows and covenants the utmost part of our mind and heart, to keep from festering bad feelings and letting them wound our souls - though forgiveness is only the first step in the process. Healing is the next step in the process, taking actions to resolve what is being forgiven. Though, I have seen many, as well as myself trying to take the healing approach and then forgiving - but I have found throughout my life that it is a harder road to be on, like you're carrying a ton of bricks on your shoulders and your heart. It is a longer process, a draining one at that. When you approach it with forgiveness and then healing, there is a sense of relief, the heaviness of the very thing you are forgiving isn't so heavy, it isn't so draining, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel with new hope pretty much immediately, at least that is how it has been for me.

Simply, forgiveness comes in all shapes and sizes.

Forgiveness

The previous post "Resources" was written many moons ago. I was going to try and have it published along with my Associated Content articles, but I decided I'd just post it here instead... There are a few things in that post that I would like to pull out and view here...

I believe that many issues in marriage can be forgiven...

If you go by the ten commandments we are required to forgive all things. But, lets take forgiveness to a new step... forgiveness helps calm the hurt that one feels so that they can move forward... forgiveness doesn't mean that all is healed over night, that the past is now suddenly in the past and everything is suddenly perfect again.

If you are in a relationship/marriage and you have done something to your spouse that made him/her feel demeaned or betrayed in any way - Sue Johnson in "Hold Me Tight" calls this an "attachment injury" - if not properly dealt with and healed properly it is really hard to move forward.

So what if it happened days, months, years ago... if it hasn't been dealt with properly, whether there was a heartfelt sorry or not, if there hasn't been mutual communication of the hurt and where it stemmed from and why - and sometimes like Sue Johnson says, you might have to go over the issue more than once to work through the hurt; and for the other who caused the "attachment injury" in the first place to truly care about their spouses hurt, to do whatever it takes for them to prove themselves, to do the I NEEDs from their spouse to help them heal.

Forgiveness can happen, moving forward, strengthening ones marriage can all happen.

I'd like to also dive into the the issues that I know that many marriages face - they want their spouse to stop bringing up their mistake, because it is in the past.
1. have you yourself, the one who made the mistake in the first place - have you made the same mistake over and over and over again? Are the same issues there? How does one push it in the past when it still continues? When the hurt continues? --- If you haven't, you are making the problem worse. You are injuring your spouse further. Telling him or her to put the past in the past and work towards the future is like a slap in the face, no, that doesn't even describe it actually... it is more like stabbing their heart over and over again. --- Care enough to show concern, and love for the hurt you have caused, and help heal your spouse! Do what your spouse needs you to do to help him/her heal.

2. scroll right back up to the whole "attachment injury" part - better yet, read Sue Johnson's book, "Hold Me Tight" she has the formula to forgiveness with "attachment injuries" that is absolutely amazing! Healing needs to take place before positive movement can be made.

3. If the issues are abuse related, you can still forgive that person, but that doesn't mean you have to have anything to do with them. Been there, done that.

This link shows a great Q&A from a therapist on EFT: Healing from past mistakes

There was a time in my life where after I watched this: Forgiveness: My Burden Was Made Light - I had hoped that if I ever encountered a situation where I had to choose to forgive right then and there, that I would have the strength and faith that this man had. And there was a time where I was placed in that position. It was a whirlwind for me, the moment shattered a lot within me in a split second, but after a long breathe, a prayer in my heart I knew for me, for us I had to forgive right then and there and move forward. And I did forgive, and I thought we were moving forward, only I realized years later that I hadn't healed. I still had an "attachment injury" - and with the help of Sue Johnson's "Hold Me Tight" book, I am healing and I can't even tell you how freeing that is... not to mention the insecurity I once felt is being embraced with security again. It is truly a wonderful journey and feeling!

I'm sure like with every other topic we can discuss here, this will not be the last time I touch on forgiveness. I am however going to end this here... and poke again through my "Resources" post with other additional thoughts.

Resources

One of the most troublesome issues that many have been faced with or have gone through is divorce. This is a sensitive subject for me, in that I have been through two myself. And I have family and friends who have been through divorce, are contemplating divorce, or the lack of what is going on in their marriage is headed for divorce. I believe that this is a tough subject for many, who are faced with different circumstances in why ones marriage has come to the decision to divorce. My hope with this article is to share my own understanding of how difficult it is in marriage, what divorce is like, and most importantly share the importance of sticking to your commitment, that marriage is sacred and though it may feel completely opposite of where you stand with your spouse, it is worth fighting for.

Marriage is hard enough without throwing in issues that seem to be unresolvable, that keep cropping up time and time again. In my own situations, I was committed to making it work, no matter what the situation was. One of the problems that came about, was that I was the only one that wanted to work towards something better. The other problems were the actual issues that were going on that continued to get worse. I believe that many issues in marriage can be forgiven, and together you can move forward as a team, no matter the sin or selfish motive that may have been committed. If you are in the right spot with your heart and God, you can forgive your spouse.

I do have to add to this however, that there are some instances where while forgiveness can come about in any situation, if your marriage is to be strengthened, it is on the head of the person who committed the act of whatever it was to put the other spouse in the position of forgiveness. So in other words, just because your spouse forgave you, doesn't mean that your marriage is healed, it doesn't meant that your marriage is strengthened by that forgiveness. The person who committed the issue or issues in the first place needs to not only be aware of what he or she did, but acknowledge their wrong-doing, and then truly seek out the hurt they have caused with their spouse and in their marriage - this fully embraces the forgiveness that you have just received, thus making it become a journey to healing between you and your spouse and strengthening the marriage itself. Your spouse can still forgive you, but if you do not step up to your own acknowledgment and take some action in making something wrong become right again, then there is not going to be a journey to healing or strengthening of your marriage. Forgiveness doesn't automatically make everything better. Forgiveness ultimately is between you the forgiver and God. If the person who committed the issue or issues in the first place wants to better themselves and their marriage, then you have just entered back into a commitment with your spouse and God in your marriage.

No marriage is perfect. No one is perfect, therefore marriage cannot be perfect. I believe that everyone comes into marriage with certain and or different expectations, and when those expectations are not met, you may have feelings that your dreams about what marriage should be are shattered. Communicating to one another what perspectives you both have about marriage and keeping expectations realistic, understanding and respecting one another within these perspectives is a must. Just because you feel something, doesn't mean it goes, especially if the other is uncomfortable with it.

I have found it sad to see so many who feel that the "prize" has been won, so there is no reason to continue to impress, to continue to date, to continue to do the things you did as you were courting, the very things that brought you together, the very things that made you fall in love with one another. One cannot expect to have your marriage bloom if you are not nurturing it. The foundation you started needs to be kept strong, it really is that simple. And perhaps your foundation was shaky when you started out your marriage, but that doesn't mean you can't create a strong foundation now. We all are human and we all make mistakes, and we all should practice forgiveness in those mistakes, no matter how big or small they are. The ticket is, is that we come together and do our best to move forward, becoming better individuals, and better spouses to one another. Part of becoming better individuals is having a relationship with God, putting Him at the top of your priority list and then expanding out from the lessons you learn throughout your life, and with your spouse.

I find that people tend to get comfortable in their routine or lives, and forget that change is important, it is a must, it is going to happen to both of you individually, as well as in your marriage. One cannot expect for any marriage to work if both of you are not willing to make some changes in behalf of your spouse. For example, if you're going to marriage counseling, and the counselor suggests a particular need for change in one or both of you and you don't do it, then you are choosing to keep your marriage stale, you are choosing to not fight for your marriage, you are choosing to hurt your spouse, and you are choosing to be selfish. After all, that truly is why marriages fail, because one or both are being selfish to one degree or another.

Divorce can only be justified in physical, emotional, and spiritually abusive and controlling situations which also is under the category of abuse. No one should ever be abused in any way shape or form. It is one of the most demeaning acts to an individual. It is one of the worst experiences to go through, I know what it feels like, having been there. Marriage takes work as it is, and marriage can be awesome, but when abuse is thrown in on top of everything else it becomes everything that marriage is not intended to be.

Some of the greatest tools I had the opportunity to do before either of the divorces I went through were a marriage retreat, marriage counseling, and marriage classes. Though the things learned in these marriage enriching opportunities were not applied together (both of us working at it together) in either of my first marriages, I learned a great deal about me, about effective communication, about the differences of men and women and how to make those differences be a strength to your marriage versus a weakness. I use the knowledge I learned from these marriage enriching courses in the marriage that I am in now. We work together as a couple, as a team, what a difference that makes in everything you do. We of course are not exempt from the roller coaster that marriages go through, but we get through them the best we can and always come out better in the end.

I believe one of the biggest issues that marriages face, is lack of communication. Something I learned in a class will forever be an instrument of strength to me. It is called The Speaker/Listener Technique. This technique does not come natural, it is something you need to work at, and eventually it will be come a natural part of how you listen and how you speak. I am an analyzer or observer in many ways of myself and of others, this has really been a great tool for me to be able to not only learn more about myself, my responses, and how I can better myself in this technique, but also to truly want to understand and care about what others are saying. The natural response in a discussion that has differing views is to not truly care about what that other person is saying, you are only thinking about your comeback or what you are going to say next, not really what they are expressing. I think that naturally one starts to have that anxiety or anger brewing within themselves instead of keeping it at bay and truly listening, truly understanding, and truly coming together with solutions. Comebacks (what you are going to say next), not caring what the other person is feeling, is not effective communication, nor will it ever be effective in solving issues, or helping your marriage succeed. Marriage Missions International has the Speaker and Listener Rules that you can go over. If you are a visual learner, there is a YouTube video from You&Me.WE. If you can get into a class that is teaching this technique, that would be the most ideal. Again, it does take practice. It does not come natural. But it does work, and it is so much nicer to have an actual conversation without fighting. It is also so nice to be able to really listen to what your spouse has to say, instead of you both being on the defense mode and defending yourself left and right. It is so nice to be able to care about each other, care about what they are saying, and truly taking the time to understand, wanting to understand so that you can work through a problem instead of adding to the fire.

When we fall out of nurturing not only ourselves, but our marriages, people tend to call that falling out of love and then it feels as if there is nothing. But there is something, if you would just give it a go, take some steps, even when you don't necessarily feel like it anymore. When we stop nurturing our marriages, we start finding fault and negativity in each other, and the positive and everything that you fell in love with to marry him or her is deflated. The want to go on in a marriage that is lacking in nurturing qualities, is a marriage on the verge of divorce. The lack of nurturing or caring that goes on in many marriages is absolutely heartbreaking and selfish. Marriage is sacred regardless of what status or stage your marriage might be in, figure it out, understanding we all have faults and we all have room for improvement, it is never just one-sided, although I have seen how the acknowledgment of doing better is lacking more on one of the spouses in the marriage. A lot of times, it is because that spouse who needs to do some changing of their own is portraying that everything that is wrong in the marriage is upon the other spouses head, that in no way you could be responsible for the hardships you have and are enduring. This is where many marriages take wrong turns and go downhill even more.

At the same time, if you are in an abusive relationship and you continue to subject yourself in that relationship you are at fault with yourself for not getting out. And while I know it is hard to leave a potentially scary situation, there are resources out there to help you. There is no excuse for abuse, there is no reason, not even in love (as many abusers like to portray along with their "sweet talk") - none of this should be occurring. You are worth more than what abuse your spouse is dishing out to you. You may be able to forgive your spouse for the abuse that is going on, but that doesn't mean you have to be with him. And for forgiveness to occur in these circumstances it is best to get out and work through what you have endured to be able to take the steps to forgiveness.

Some other resources I would recommend that could enrich your lives and marriage would be the books "Life Balance" by Linda and Richard Eyre, "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, and "The Love Dare" book by Stephen and Alex Kendrick with Lawrence Kimbrough. If you are not familiar with "The Love Dare" book, it originated from the hit movie "Fireproof." It truly is an amazing book. It is a 40-day journey, a 40-day challenge to understand and practice unconditional love. I would also recommend watching the "Fireproof" movie, as it really gives a new perspective and understanding in what unconditional love is, how it is needed in marriage, and it is just emphasizes "The Love Dare" book even more. I think if you are struggling in your marriage, when you initially watch the "Fireproof" movie, you may be thinking about what your spouse needs to gain from watching this, what you think is missing from your spouse and so on. What you really need to be doing is watching it for yourself, what is is that you can do to change, to enhance your marriage, what are the steps you need to do - not the other way around.I believe that every engaged, every married couple should read "The Love Dare" book, and to take the 40-day challenge. It truly is life changing, not only for yourself, but for your marriage. It is absolutely inspirational, it is motivating, it is an eye opener to what love is. Whether your marriage is great, this book will enrich it. If your marriage is at the end of its rope, this book can change your marriage for the better, and also enhance your life. One of my favorite articles from the Ensign, by James E. Faust on "Enriching Your Marriage" He gives some insightful thoughts and questions in regards to helping your marriage be constantly enriched.

Gary Chapman's website also has the availability to receive emails that inspire marriages. I also love The Generous Wife and The Generous Husband websites, of which give suggestions to help strengthen your marriage, and become a better wife and husband. I would caution though with The Generous Wife or The Generous Husband suggestions that though they are great, you might be missing a valuable point in your marriage that you need to look into before you dive into their suggestions. If there are some serious issues in your marriage, doing some of the lovey dovey suggestions may just make your spouse feel more uncomfortable or feel like pushing you away further. Other suggestions in helping your marriage is to look into some marriage classes, marriage retreats (there are night ones, there are overnight ones), and of course marriage counseling. One thing I would advise for the counseling is that if you go to someone that just isn't clicking with you, go to someone new, don't give up.

If you are spiritual or religious or if you're not, perhaps you should consider it, as some of the most simple tools to helping your marriage are God-given gifts to each of us. Include God into your marriage, and it will make a difference. One of the gifts that I think about most is prayer, praying together, praying for each other. Showing love and respect and applying the principles of the Gospel into your life, into your marriage is lifesaving!

Marriage is wonderful. Marriage is difficult at times. Marriage can be bitter if we let ourselves hold grudges and continue to look at the negative. Marriage is a commitment. Marriage is sacred. Marriage is worth fighting for even when you feel like you are at the end of your rope. And marriage is worth nurturing every day whether you are at the end of that rope or your marriage is great - there is always room for improvement!

If you understand love, love never fails.

The Ideal

Society tells us what the ideal marriage is.

But what is your ideas of an ideal marriage? What about your spouses?
Where do you see your ideal marriage in 5 years, in 10 years, in 50 years?

This is one of the homework assignments we have had. Marriage is different for everyone. What may be perfect for myself and my husband, may not be all that perfect for you. Take the media and society and whatever out of it and make it your own. Make what works for you.

Have you ever seen the show Everyone Loves Raymond? What is your views on Raymond's parents? They seem pretty hostile towards each other, unloving, disrespectful of each other would be my first impression. But what may seem like a bad marriage on the outside, look at how long they have been married (on the show)... There is an episode where Raymond and Marie (I think that is her name) where they see his parents really meshing together, they know each other so well, that they know how to be there for each other - though on the outside looking in, it may seem completely different.

Perhaps you might say that some marriage stick together because of the generation they are in and perhaps that is the case in many marriages, but good for that generation - in many regards... Much of the marriages that stick it out for the generations have taken their vows or their covenants seriously... it isn't just something to be tossed aside, even when there may be feelings of lack of love between the couple. There is a reason for that, delve into the reason, fix the reason and move forward.

What I am getting at is that your ideal is different from someone else... and that is perfectly fine. We aren't in marriage to one up the Joneses in what ideal is, because everyone is different, everyone has different needs, different wants.

My challenge for you is to answer these questions to gain new insight in what your spouse desires and move forward!

New Hope

There are so many good books, techniques for marital relationships - many of which have really struck the very core of me and had my head nodding in complete agreement.

Recently however, through my first encounter with the therapist, he gave me some homework to read "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. I wasn't sure how I was going to get it at the time... I prefer to own these books, as they are great reference books throughout marriage, but with finances tight at the time I was unable to do that. The city where we live is underway to getting a library, but the closet library next to our city costs a ridiculous amount for a membership each month, so I asked my mom to check this book out from her local library. This book is so popular that there was a wait list for it, I was ninth on that list! I received it two days before the next therapy appointment, this time for both of us. He now gave us the homework to both read "Hold Me Tight", along with some other homework which I'll touch on at on another post.

When our therapist talked to us about how it seems that every time I engage, my husband disengages; and the more I engage, the more he disengages, leaving us in a crazy cycle that gets us no where positive, just further apart. This made complete sense to me, to both of us... and as simple as this enlightening moment was, it was exactly that - a light bulb of sorts went on. I was excited to read this book. I probably could have read it in 2 days; it is one of those books where you just can't put it down... yes, it is that good! But I do have a family to take care of too... It took me about a week to read it. It felt like a roller coaster of emotions, because I could completely relate, and while it gave me sadness to have to delve back into the past because it was old and I already felt blue in the face and not getting anywhere with it.... I could see how it could heal me, how it could heal us. At the same time, it has brought me a light of new hope.

There is a lot of great resources out there for marriage.... much of it has great significance in the help department.... but I always found that while it was all good, there was something deeper to the equation of marital oneness, but I could never really pin point it until I read "Hold Me Tight". It is like this book wraps everything else that I have gained insight with all into one, like the whole package is complete. It was amazing! I highly recommend this book for any marriage.... though like Sue Johnson said in the introduction, this book is not for abusive relationships (remember abuse is not just physical, it is emotional, and spiritual too). This book focuses on the technique Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg came up with called EFT (Emotional Focused Therapy). Here is a great website which explains in more detail of what EFT is all about: What is EFT?

Marriage is worth fighting for, but when you feel like you're disconnected from the other person it is hard to want to do much of anything. I feel like many marriages get into bad caustic cycles; we have been in one without really realizing it until now - like I said, the more I engaged the more he disengaged, even when we weren't even fighting... I was trying to bring into view other techniques I had learned, only the downfall there was my trying to teach him about these seemed to be not working - I think if we both had learned the techniques together, that can make a difference. You can tell your spouse all you want about some profound thing you have discovered that you know would help your marriage, but that doesn't mean they will have the same perspective or know-how to approach how to incorporate it into the marriage. And maybe your perspective or thoughts on trying to incorporate it are good ones, but it may just not be for whatever reason not clicking with your spouse - and that is okay! There are ways to learn how... but pushing the subject the same way over and over again does not work, unless of course you're getting different results, positive ones for that matter.

We learn in EFT that there are underlying reasons or feelings of why we do what we do, why we are in this caustic cycle, and so we get to the heart of it and then learn together to be emotionally focused together. Learning to communicate effectively has always been a goal of mine, we are in essence always communicating to each other - it just may not be too effective, it may come across hurtful, rejected, which then leads to other feelings that just fester within and generally just fuels the fire for the next time spouses don't effectively communicate. No wonder these simple moments tear us apart further, no wonder so many people feel like they fell out of love, no wonder people look for love somewhere else, or just plain get divorced and look elsewhere. I'm not condoning such behavior, but when you get to the heart of it, if we are not doing our part for our spouse 100% of the time, we are chipping away at what could be a stronger foundation day by day. Understanding the underlying reasons of why each of us do what we do - coming up with conversations with I FEEL and I NEED goes a long way and takes out the heat of the situation, and we can then see clearer.

Something I shared with someone close to me while reading the "Hold Me Tight" book was this:

...We are always making decisions throughout our life because of an emotional connection. So, lets leave that there and we are moving forward. Our lack of effective communication is that we are still communicating but it is creating bad feelings because we aren't effectively communicating. Not saying anything at all is communicating to me that he doesn't care, though it means to him that he does care, he just doesn't want to argue about it. It is easier for him to disengage because that is safe for him. And rather than blaming where that comes from, though it can have some emphasis on where he is or I am at now, it isn't necessary to blame; what is necessary is to move forward, but sometimes to move forward we have to express our I FEEL and our I NEED and truly LISTEN to each other and not be on the defense - not thinking about what you are going to say to defend yourself - but to truly listen to what the other is feeling and not categorizing it into some diagnosis either. People simply feel things, and choose to act in the way they do because of where they have been, where they are and where their security is for each situation.

I think my biggest security blanket in this book is that it has made me realize that over the years I became insecure in our marriage, and there is a number of factors of why - regular marital issues that come up that just weren't really resolved, to stepfamily & stepmom issues that were pushed aside. Time after time, it gets old, it gets numb, it gets insecure. At the same time, my husband too had feelings but he doesn't know how to express them and most of the time for him not saying anything was easier because he made a decision from an experience he witnessed that left him feeling like there is no use in talking when nothing positive comes out of it. For me, I am the talker, I drown out what could be a conversation because for a long time if I didn't, there would be silence, and I cannot stand silence because I felt more insecure, I felt like the caring just went out the window, that perhaps I just didn't matter. But I tried to get a response... and again, the more I tried the more he backed away... I just never really knew why. EFT helps the why's get answered, helping us see our spouse in a new light, helping us realize why we really feel the way we do during certain times in our marital journey and attacking them in positive ways so that we really can come together in oneness.

I am really excited to continue with EFT and see where it leads us next. I'm sure this will not be the last time I touch on EFT.