The Ideal - Revisted

Here is the previous post: The Ideal

I have been thinking about this for weeks, and sometimes find myself feeling like this is a trick question - what is my ideal marriage in 5, 10, 50 years... I have a few ideas here and there. Tonight, however, I decided I would try and jot them down. Because I am a visual person, next to the 5, 10 and 50 years, I added what the year would be. Then I decided I would add how old my charm and I would be, as well as how old the kids will be. It made it more easier for me to figure out where we'd all be at in life.

What is funny is that I also added 25 years in there, because I got to 50 and realized that we'll probably be dead by then. LOL!

So, I have 5, 10, and 25 years... though I will try my best to figure out the 50 years... if we are here. I'll maybe share what I come up with.

Clarifying Your Love Language

Love Tank - Is it Filled or Empty?

Well, now that you've established (or are establishing) what your love language is, what is next? Your spouse doing it seems pretty logical. But, what if you don't exactly know what the specifics are of your spouses love language?

I believe it is in the book, "The 5 Love Languages" - a suggestion to write 5 things down so that your spouse has a small "map" for your love language.

My primary love language is Gifts, secondary is Acts of Service. Seems pretty cut and dry right? Perspectives come into play regarding this, but if we don't clarify what it is that draws us towards our love languages, our love tanks might not be able to fill up. It goes along the lines of - if you and I had the same love language, it doesn't mean that the specifics of the love language are the same, we really need to clarify these things to our spouse.

So for instance, with Gifts - I do look forward to gifts on the regular occasions; birthday, Valentine's day, Mother's day - but on this day, homemade gifts are fantastic - or even gifts that show appreciation for being a mom and all that entails, anniversary, Christmas. I don't expect a gift every day, though a just for the heck of it gifts are great - a card; in fact one card that my charm gave to me once is a treasured item for me, a just for the heck of it-letting you know I love you card and why. One of my other treasured items was a card given to me on Mother's day after I had our first child, my charm made it on the computer with a picture of our son, some words that made it seem that he was giving it to me rather than himself. It was the perfect card, perfect gift. Loved it! Another just for the heck of it, I was thinking of you today would simply be a favorite treat. There has been several occasions as of late that my charm has left me a surprise in the office - for me to find, as simple as a Snickers bar.

But that isn't all that can lift me up for gifts - I find that doing just for the heck of it treats on occasion (edible or not) for the kids; Shutterfly photo books - an ongoing project of mine to get the kids' baby books, family vacation books, milestone books; fulfilling traditions throughout the year, like Valentines Day (I love giving something to the kids), Easter, Halloween, their birthday's - not only their gifts, but doing their special 1-year combined family party, friend birthday parties, heck, even the party I did for my charm last year when he turned 40 was filling my love tank up. You can actually read about all that I did/all that it entails for that in my article "How to Plan a Fabulous 40th Birthday Party." One of these days I'd like to do a neighbor/family/friend Halloween Party..... that would require us to be in a house though and we are in a condo at the moment. I think the entertainer in me comes directly from my own mom, who is fabulous when it comes to such things! Creating family traditions, fulfilling family traditions - vacations. Oh and making a house a home... I love decorating. You get the idea.

Then there is Acts of Service, which I am still learning about what ties to that with me. But some of those things are that my needs are not dismissed, that all of our needs are met... next to wants... (I don't want to always deprive our kids of their wants - of course balanced out of needs and wants are important - because if you take it all away all of the time, their perception as they grow up with wants will become a negative outlook or managed negatively with their money - I do not want that for them. I want them to have a healthy balance with needs and wants; wants are natural to each and everyone, taking it away would be taking part of the joy out of life and what would they have to look forward to?) So besides providing for our family - it is doing/choosing things that better oneself overall; other Acts of Service would be things I have asked to be done around our home.

We are working towards both of our love languages, and we are learning more and more about each other each day. When our love languages aren't being met, our love feels dry, out of service, we feel insecure, not cared for or loved, we simply are in a day to day routine without much thought of the other person - when they should be our first thought each day and give our 100% to them each day. It can actually be quite the adventure if you are on a constant journey to do things and find things that will benefit your spouse's love language.

One of my favorite scriptures is: "When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God", Mosiah 2:17 - This scripture obviously refers to everyone, but lets put it into the context of your spouse. How about this scripture: "Those who embark in the service of God should serve with their whole hearts", D&C 4:2 - Again, refer this to your spouse - serve your spouse 100%, it isn't a 50/50 arrangement, it is a 100%!

Love Tank - Is it Filled or Empty?

So, going back to my post on "Resources"---

I said:

"I have found it sad to see so many who feel that the "prize" has been won, so there is no reason to continue to impress, to continue to date, to continue to do the things you did as you were courting, the very things that brought you together, the very things that made you fall in love with one another"

I can SEE this, yet even in my marriage we lack in this very thing. I would imagine that most marriages fall into this category to some degree or another - in that, you have the euphoric love feelings in the beginning, can't stop thinking about one another, don't want to spend one minute of any day without them, do things together that you enjoy with one another, even do things that might impress him/her. Then you get married, and that euphoric love is still there, but so many things that used to be either start slowly or immediately drop out of the picture - leaving you with a sense you've maybe lost love, wondered why he/she doesn't care about you anymore etc.

If you haven't yet read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman - do it now; because this will enlighten you with yet another insight about your spouse, yourself, and your marriage. Why things feel "off", why the love you once felt for each other is maybe stale, why you might just feel like room mates.

Don't just do the quiz to find out what your primary love language is... read the book so it really binds you to why the love languages are so engrained in us, why they are so important. And don't say that your primary is ALL of the love languages - because you DO have a primary and when the primary is filled, then everything else tends to just fall into place. Telling your spouse that you are ALL of them can feel overwhelming.

I have read the book before, ages ago in fact. I have reread it recently and then read it to my charm. It has been a great insight and re-insight. We took the quiz, and I was actually surprised a little at what my primary and secondary is, but as I look more into it, it makes a lot of sense. And it is amazing to me when we really internalize how we feel when your spouse does something special, that it really does feel like your "love tank" fills up. On the same token, if your love language isn't or hasn't been met, your love tank is dry.... and you can really feel that. It is also amazing to me that when we are both doing what our love languages are - how much better our marriage really is! How much more in tune we are with each other, how much more we care, that there is less tension, and our priorities tend to be set more straight. We feel like we have more room to push forward than to sit at a standstill or fall off the fence backwards.

So ya, just go pick up your copy of The 5 Love Languages today!

Dealing with Conflict

How to Deal Effectively With Conflict

This is from the Gary Chapman's Website... One of my favorite books of his is The 5 Love Languages (which I will touch on in another post at a later time). I will from time to time share some articles such as these that just really click. Tell me what you think of this article?

Forgiveness Part 3

There is a great website for stepmoms & ex-wives called No One's The Bitch. There, they have an article that I wanted to share here since we are on a bit of a roll with forgiveness. While this forgiveness list is directed towards stepmoms, ex-wives, or your ex - this is good within marriage itself IMO.

Here is the direct link: TOP TEN REASONS to Forgive the Stepmom, the Ex-wife, or your Ex

Forgiveness Part 2

If you haven't had the opportunity to check out the first post on Forgiveness, click HERE

This isn't always an easy part of forgiving, but is a must in any relationship:

Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong and the other person is right.

It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.

~ Unknown

Have you been in an argument where you both felt you were right, where you went in circles trying to prove the other one wrong? Who was wrong and who was right is a whole other subject. I'm not even going to delve into that one, at least not yet. So, in the process of bickering back and forth, sometimes you just have to walk away from it... take a breather... Bickering for one doesn't get very far on the positive scale. And how does it help for both of you to walk away and not one of you come back to apologize - ever thought about both of you being in the wrong? Esp how you're treating each other by bickering back and forth? Effective communication, forgiveness, apologizing isn't always about waiting for the other one to say sorry. You may still have a POV to the issue, as does your spouse - but treating each other with the way you are communicating is a good reason to come back to each other and simply say "I'm really sorry that I talked to you like that... I am really sorry that I made you feel bad..." Starting over with your conversation with your spouse in mind instead of your POV in mind will go along way. And if you are unsure of how to do this, investigate what the best technique is for you and your marriage. I would highly recommend "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson, I would also recommend The Speaker Listener Technique - with this however, I would look into finding a marital class for you both to go to - this is better learned in a hands-on setting, though it does take time to learn the technique, it is worth it.

Forgiveness is a must to keep the peace, to keep our vows and covenants the utmost part of our mind and heart, to keep from festering bad feelings and letting them wound our souls - though forgiveness is only the first step in the process. Healing is the next step in the process, taking actions to resolve what is being forgiven. Though, I have seen many, as well as myself trying to take the healing approach and then forgiving - but I have found throughout my life that it is a harder road to be on, like you're carrying a ton of bricks on your shoulders and your heart. It is a longer process, a draining one at that. When you approach it with forgiveness and then healing, there is a sense of relief, the heaviness of the very thing you are forgiving isn't so heavy, it isn't so draining, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel with new hope pretty much immediately, at least that is how it has been for me.

Simply, forgiveness comes in all shapes and sizes.

Forgiveness

The previous post "Resources" was written many moons ago. I was going to try and have it published along with my Associated Content articles, but I decided I'd just post it here instead... There are a few things in that post that I would like to pull out and view here...

I believe that many issues in marriage can be forgiven...

If you go by the ten commandments we are required to forgive all things. But, lets take forgiveness to a new step... forgiveness helps calm the hurt that one feels so that they can move forward... forgiveness doesn't mean that all is healed over night, that the past is now suddenly in the past and everything is suddenly perfect again.

If you are in a relationship/marriage and you have done something to your spouse that made him/her feel demeaned or betrayed in any way - Sue Johnson in "Hold Me Tight" calls this an "attachment injury" - if not properly dealt with and healed properly it is really hard to move forward.

So what if it happened days, months, years ago... if it hasn't been dealt with properly, whether there was a heartfelt sorry or not, if there hasn't been mutual communication of the hurt and where it stemmed from and why - and sometimes like Sue Johnson says, you might have to go over the issue more than once to work through the hurt; and for the other who caused the "attachment injury" in the first place to truly care about their spouses hurt, to do whatever it takes for them to prove themselves, to do the I NEEDs from their spouse to help them heal.

Forgiveness can happen, moving forward, strengthening ones marriage can all happen.

I'd like to also dive into the the issues that I know that many marriages face - they want their spouse to stop bringing up their mistake, because it is in the past.
1. have you yourself, the one who made the mistake in the first place - have you made the same mistake over and over and over again? Are the same issues there? How does one push it in the past when it still continues? When the hurt continues? --- If you haven't, you are making the problem worse. You are injuring your spouse further. Telling him or her to put the past in the past and work towards the future is like a slap in the face, no, that doesn't even describe it actually... it is more like stabbing their heart over and over again. --- Care enough to show concern, and love for the hurt you have caused, and help heal your spouse! Do what your spouse needs you to do to help him/her heal.

2. scroll right back up to the whole "attachment injury" part - better yet, read Sue Johnson's book, "Hold Me Tight" she has the formula to forgiveness with "attachment injuries" that is absolutely amazing! Healing needs to take place before positive movement can be made.

3. If the issues are abuse related, you can still forgive that person, but that doesn't mean you have to have anything to do with them. Been there, done that.

This link shows a great Q&A from a therapist on EFT: Healing from past mistakes

There was a time in my life where after I watched this: Forgiveness: My Burden Was Made Light - I had hoped that if I ever encountered a situation where I had to choose to forgive right then and there, that I would have the strength and faith that this man had. And there was a time where I was placed in that position. It was a whirlwind for me, the moment shattered a lot within me in a split second, but after a long breathe, a prayer in my heart I knew for me, for us I had to forgive right then and there and move forward. And I did forgive, and I thought we were moving forward, only I realized years later that I hadn't healed. I still had an "attachment injury" - and with the help of Sue Johnson's "Hold Me Tight" book, I am healing and I can't even tell you how freeing that is... not to mention the insecurity I once felt is being embraced with security again. It is truly a wonderful journey and feeling!

I'm sure like with every other topic we can discuss here, this will not be the last time I touch on forgiveness. I am however going to end this here... and poke again through my "Resources" post with other additional thoughts.

Resources

One of the most troublesome issues that many have been faced with or have gone through is divorce. This is a sensitive subject for me, in that I have been through two myself. And I have family and friends who have been through divorce, are contemplating divorce, or the lack of what is going on in their marriage is headed for divorce. I believe that this is a tough subject for many, who are faced with different circumstances in why ones marriage has come to the decision to divorce. My hope with this article is to share my own understanding of how difficult it is in marriage, what divorce is like, and most importantly share the importance of sticking to your commitment, that marriage is sacred and though it may feel completely opposite of where you stand with your spouse, it is worth fighting for.

Marriage is hard enough without throwing in issues that seem to be unresolvable, that keep cropping up time and time again. In my own situations, I was committed to making it work, no matter what the situation was. One of the problems that came about, was that I was the only one that wanted to work towards something better. The other problems were the actual issues that were going on that continued to get worse. I believe that many issues in marriage can be forgiven, and together you can move forward as a team, no matter the sin or selfish motive that may have been committed. If you are in the right spot with your heart and God, you can forgive your spouse.

I do have to add to this however, that there are some instances where while forgiveness can come about in any situation, if your marriage is to be strengthened, it is on the head of the person who committed the act of whatever it was to put the other spouse in the position of forgiveness. So in other words, just because your spouse forgave you, doesn't mean that your marriage is healed, it doesn't meant that your marriage is strengthened by that forgiveness. The person who committed the issue or issues in the first place needs to not only be aware of what he or she did, but acknowledge their wrong-doing, and then truly seek out the hurt they have caused with their spouse and in their marriage - this fully embraces the forgiveness that you have just received, thus making it become a journey to healing between you and your spouse and strengthening the marriage itself. Your spouse can still forgive you, but if you do not step up to your own acknowledgment and take some action in making something wrong become right again, then there is not going to be a journey to healing or strengthening of your marriage. Forgiveness doesn't automatically make everything better. Forgiveness ultimately is between you the forgiver and God. If the person who committed the issue or issues in the first place wants to better themselves and their marriage, then you have just entered back into a commitment with your spouse and God in your marriage.

No marriage is perfect. No one is perfect, therefore marriage cannot be perfect. I believe that everyone comes into marriage with certain and or different expectations, and when those expectations are not met, you may have feelings that your dreams about what marriage should be are shattered. Communicating to one another what perspectives you both have about marriage and keeping expectations realistic, understanding and respecting one another within these perspectives is a must. Just because you feel something, doesn't mean it goes, especially if the other is uncomfortable with it.

I have found it sad to see so many who feel that the "prize" has been won, so there is no reason to continue to impress, to continue to date, to continue to do the things you did as you were courting, the very things that brought you together, the very things that made you fall in love with one another. One cannot expect to have your marriage bloom if you are not nurturing it. The foundation you started needs to be kept strong, it really is that simple. And perhaps your foundation was shaky when you started out your marriage, but that doesn't mean you can't create a strong foundation now. We all are human and we all make mistakes, and we all should practice forgiveness in those mistakes, no matter how big or small they are. The ticket is, is that we come together and do our best to move forward, becoming better individuals, and better spouses to one another. Part of becoming better individuals is having a relationship with God, putting Him at the top of your priority list and then expanding out from the lessons you learn throughout your life, and with your spouse.

I find that people tend to get comfortable in their routine or lives, and forget that change is important, it is a must, it is going to happen to both of you individually, as well as in your marriage. One cannot expect for any marriage to work if both of you are not willing to make some changes in behalf of your spouse. For example, if you're going to marriage counseling, and the counselor suggests a particular need for change in one or both of you and you don't do it, then you are choosing to keep your marriage stale, you are choosing to not fight for your marriage, you are choosing to hurt your spouse, and you are choosing to be selfish. After all, that truly is why marriages fail, because one or both are being selfish to one degree or another.

Divorce can only be justified in physical, emotional, and spiritually abusive and controlling situations which also is under the category of abuse. No one should ever be abused in any way shape or form. It is one of the most demeaning acts to an individual. It is one of the worst experiences to go through, I know what it feels like, having been there. Marriage takes work as it is, and marriage can be awesome, but when abuse is thrown in on top of everything else it becomes everything that marriage is not intended to be.

Some of the greatest tools I had the opportunity to do before either of the divorces I went through were a marriage retreat, marriage counseling, and marriage classes. Though the things learned in these marriage enriching opportunities were not applied together (both of us working at it together) in either of my first marriages, I learned a great deal about me, about effective communication, about the differences of men and women and how to make those differences be a strength to your marriage versus a weakness. I use the knowledge I learned from these marriage enriching courses in the marriage that I am in now. We work together as a couple, as a team, what a difference that makes in everything you do. We of course are not exempt from the roller coaster that marriages go through, but we get through them the best we can and always come out better in the end.

I believe one of the biggest issues that marriages face, is lack of communication. Something I learned in a class will forever be an instrument of strength to me. It is called The Speaker/Listener Technique. This technique does not come natural, it is something you need to work at, and eventually it will be come a natural part of how you listen and how you speak. I am an analyzer or observer in many ways of myself and of others, this has really been a great tool for me to be able to not only learn more about myself, my responses, and how I can better myself in this technique, but also to truly want to understand and care about what others are saying. The natural response in a discussion that has differing views is to not truly care about what that other person is saying, you are only thinking about your comeback or what you are going to say next, not really what they are expressing. I think that naturally one starts to have that anxiety or anger brewing within themselves instead of keeping it at bay and truly listening, truly understanding, and truly coming together with solutions. Comebacks (what you are going to say next), not caring what the other person is feeling, is not effective communication, nor will it ever be effective in solving issues, or helping your marriage succeed. Marriage Missions International has the Speaker and Listener Rules that you can go over. If you are a visual learner, there is a YouTube video from You&Me.WE. If you can get into a class that is teaching this technique, that would be the most ideal. Again, it does take practice. It does not come natural. But it does work, and it is so much nicer to have an actual conversation without fighting. It is also so nice to be able to really listen to what your spouse has to say, instead of you both being on the defense mode and defending yourself left and right. It is so nice to be able to care about each other, care about what they are saying, and truly taking the time to understand, wanting to understand so that you can work through a problem instead of adding to the fire.

When we fall out of nurturing not only ourselves, but our marriages, people tend to call that falling out of love and then it feels as if there is nothing. But there is something, if you would just give it a go, take some steps, even when you don't necessarily feel like it anymore. When we stop nurturing our marriages, we start finding fault and negativity in each other, and the positive and everything that you fell in love with to marry him or her is deflated. The want to go on in a marriage that is lacking in nurturing qualities, is a marriage on the verge of divorce. The lack of nurturing or caring that goes on in many marriages is absolutely heartbreaking and selfish. Marriage is sacred regardless of what status or stage your marriage might be in, figure it out, understanding we all have faults and we all have room for improvement, it is never just one-sided, although I have seen how the acknowledgment of doing better is lacking more on one of the spouses in the marriage. A lot of times, it is because that spouse who needs to do some changing of their own is portraying that everything that is wrong in the marriage is upon the other spouses head, that in no way you could be responsible for the hardships you have and are enduring. This is where many marriages take wrong turns and go downhill even more.

At the same time, if you are in an abusive relationship and you continue to subject yourself in that relationship you are at fault with yourself for not getting out. And while I know it is hard to leave a potentially scary situation, there are resources out there to help you. There is no excuse for abuse, there is no reason, not even in love (as many abusers like to portray along with their "sweet talk") - none of this should be occurring. You are worth more than what abuse your spouse is dishing out to you. You may be able to forgive your spouse for the abuse that is going on, but that doesn't mean you have to be with him. And for forgiveness to occur in these circumstances it is best to get out and work through what you have endured to be able to take the steps to forgiveness.

Some other resources I would recommend that could enrich your lives and marriage would be the books "Life Balance" by Linda and Richard Eyre, "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, and "The Love Dare" book by Stephen and Alex Kendrick with Lawrence Kimbrough. If you are not familiar with "The Love Dare" book, it originated from the hit movie "Fireproof." It truly is an amazing book. It is a 40-day journey, a 40-day challenge to understand and practice unconditional love. I would also recommend watching the "Fireproof" movie, as it really gives a new perspective and understanding in what unconditional love is, how it is needed in marriage, and it is just emphasizes "The Love Dare" book even more. I think if you are struggling in your marriage, when you initially watch the "Fireproof" movie, you may be thinking about what your spouse needs to gain from watching this, what you think is missing from your spouse and so on. What you really need to be doing is watching it for yourself, what is is that you can do to change, to enhance your marriage, what are the steps you need to do - not the other way around.I believe that every engaged, every married couple should read "The Love Dare" book, and to take the 40-day challenge. It truly is life changing, not only for yourself, but for your marriage. It is absolutely inspirational, it is motivating, it is an eye opener to what love is. Whether your marriage is great, this book will enrich it. If your marriage is at the end of its rope, this book can change your marriage for the better, and also enhance your life. One of my favorite articles from the Ensign, by James E. Faust on "Enriching Your Marriage" He gives some insightful thoughts and questions in regards to helping your marriage be constantly enriched.

Gary Chapman's website also has the availability to receive emails that inspire marriages. I also love The Generous Wife and The Generous Husband websites, of which give suggestions to help strengthen your marriage, and become a better wife and husband. I would caution though with The Generous Wife or The Generous Husband suggestions that though they are great, you might be missing a valuable point in your marriage that you need to look into before you dive into their suggestions. If there are some serious issues in your marriage, doing some of the lovey dovey suggestions may just make your spouse feel more uncomfortable or feel like pushing you away further. Other suggestions in helping your marriage is to look into some marriage classes, marriage retreats (there are night ones, there are overnight ones), and of course marriage counseling. One thing I would advise for the counseling is that if you go to someone that just isn't clicking with you, go to someone new, don't give up.

If you are spiritual or religious or if you're not, perhaps you should consider it, as some of the most simple tools to helping your marriage are God-given gifts to each of us. Include God into your marriage, and it will make a difference. One of the gifts that I think about most is prayer, praying together, praying for each other. Showing love and respect and applying the principles of the Gospel into your life, into your marriage is lifesaving!

Marriage is wonderful. Marriage is difficult at times. Marriage can be bitter if we let ourselves hold grudges and continue to look at the negative. Marriage is a commitment. Marriage is sacred. Marriage is worth fighting for even when you feel like you are at the end of your rope. And marriage is worth nurturing every day whether you are at the end of that rope or your marriage is great - there is always room for improvement!

If you understand love, love never fails.

The Ideal

Society tells us what the ideal marriage is.

But what is your ideas of an ideal marriage? What about your spouses?
Where do you see your ideal marriage in 5 years, in 10 years, in 50 years?

This is one of the homework assignments we have had. Marriage is different for everyone. What may be perfect for myself and my husband, may not be all that perfect for you. Take the media and society and whatever out of it and make it your own. Make what works for you.

Have you ever seen the show Everyone Loves Raymond? What is your views on Raymond's parents? They seem pretty hostile towards each other, unloving, disrespectful of each other would be my first impression. But what may seem like a bad marriage on the outside, look at how long they have been married (on the show)... There is an episode where Raymond and Marie (I think that is her name) where they see his parents really meshing together, they know each other so well, that they know how to be there for each other - though on the outside looking in, it may seem completely different.

Perhaps you might say that some marriage stick together because of the generation they are in and perhaps that is the case in many marriages, but good for that generation - in many regards... Much of the marriages that stick it out for the generations have taken their vows or their covenants seriously... it isn't just something to be tossed aside, even when there may be feelings of lack of love between the couple. There is a reason for that, delve into the reason, fix the reason and move forward.

What I am getting at is that your ideal is different from someone else... and that is perfectly fine. We aren't in marriage to one up the Joneses in what ideal is, because everyone is different, everyone has different needs, different wants.

My challenge for you is to answer these questions to gain new insight in what your spouse desires and move forward!

New Hope

There are so many good books, techniques for marital relationships - many of which have really struck the very core of me and had my head nodding in complete agreement.

Recently however, through my first encounter with the therapist, he gave me some homework to read "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. I wasn't sure how I was going to get it at the time... I prefer to own these books, as they are great reference books throughout marriage, but with finances tight at the time I was unable to do that. The city where we live is underway to getting a library, but the closet library next to our city costs a ridiculous amount for a membership each month, so I asked my mom to check this book out from her local library. This book is so popular that there was a wait list for it, I was ninth on that list! I received it two days before the next therapy appointment, this time for both of us. He now gave us the homework to both read "Hold Me Tight", along with some other homework which I'll touch on at on another post.

When our therapist talked to us about how it seems that every time I engage, my husband disengages; and the more I engage, the more he disengages, leaving us in a crazy cycle that gets us no where positive, just further apart. This made complete sense to me, to both of us... and as simple as this enlightening moment was, it was exactly that - a light bulb of sorts went on. I was excited to read this book. I probably could have read it in 2 days; it is one of those books where you just can't put it down... yes, it is that good! But I do have a family to take care of too... It took me about a week to read it. It felt like a roller coaster of emotions, because I could completely relate, and while it gave me sadness to have to delve back into the past because it was old and I already felt blue in the face and not getting anywhere with it.... I could see how it could heal me, how it could heal us. At the same time, it has brought me a light of new hope.

There is a lot of great resources out there for marriage.... much of it has great significance in the help department.... but I always found that while it was all good, there was something deeper to the equation of marital oneness, but I could never really pin point it until I read "Hold Me Tight". It is like this book wraps everything else that I have gained insight with all into one, like the whole package is complete. It was amazing! I highly recommend this book for any marriage.... though like Sue Johnson said in the introduction, this book is not for abusive relationships (remember abuse is not just physical, it is emotional, and spiritual too). This book focuses on the technique Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg came up with called EFT (Emotional Focused Therapy). Here is a great website which explains in more detail of what EFT is all about: What is EFT?

Marriage is worth fighting for, but when you feel like you're disconnected from the other person it is hard to want to do much of anything. I feel like many marriages get into bad caustic cycles; we have been in one without really realizing it until now - like I said, the more I engaged the more he disengaged, even when we weren't even fighting... I was trying to bring into view other techniques I had learned, only the downfall there was my trying to teach him about these seemed to be not working - I think if we both had learned the techniques together, that can make a difference. You can tell your spouse all you want about some profound thing you have discovered that you know would help your marriage, but that doesn't mean they will have the same perspective or know-how to approach how to incorporate it into the marriage. And maybe your perspective or thoughts on trying to incorporate it are good ones, but it may just not be for whatever reason not clicking with your spouse - and that is okay! There are ways to learn how... but pushing the subject the same way over and over again does not work, unless of course you're getting different results, positive ones for that matter.

We learn in EFT that there are underlying reasons or feelings of why we do what we do, why we are in this caustic cycle, and so we get to the heart of it and then learn together to be emotionally focused together. Learning to communicate effectively has always been a goal of mine, we are in essence always communicating to each other - it just may not be too effective, it may come across hurtful, rejected, which then leads to other feelings that just fester within and generally just fuels the fire for the next time spouses don't effectively communicate. No wonder these simple moments tear us apart further, no wonder so many people feel like they fell out of love, no wonder people look for love somewhere else, or just plain get divorced and look elsewhere. I'm not condoning such behavior, but when you get to the heart of it, if we are not doing our part for our spouse 100% of the time, we are chipping away at what could be a stronger foundation day by day. Understanding the underlying reasons of why each of us do what we do - coming up with conversations with I FEEL and I NEED goes a long way and takes out the heat of the situation, and we can then see clearer.

Something I shared with someone close to me while reading the "Hold Me Tight" book was this:

...We are always making decisions throughout our life because of an emotional connection. So, lets leave that there and we are moving forward. Our lack of effective communication is that we are still communicating but it is creating bad feelings because we aren't effectively communicating. Not saying anything at all is communicating to me that he doesn't care, though it means to him that he does care, he just doesn't want to argue about it. It is easier for him to disengage because that is safe for him. And rather than blaming where that comes from, though it can have some emphasis on where he is or I am at now, it isn't necessary to blame; what is necessary is to move forward, but sometimes to move forward we have to express our I FEEL and our I NEED and truly LISTEN to each other and not be on the defense - not thinking about what you are going to say to defend yourself - but to truly listen to what the other is feeling and not categorizing it into some diagnosis either. People simply feel things, and choose to act in the way they do because of where they have been, where they are and where their security is for each situation.

I think my biggest security blanket in this book is that it has made me realize that over the years I became insecure in our marriage, and there is a number of factors of why - regular marital issues that come up that just weren't really resolved, to stepfamily & stepmom issues that were pushed aside. Time after time, it gets old, it gets numb, it gets insecure. At the same time, my husband too had feelings but he doesn't know how to express them and most of the time for him not saying anything was easier because he made a decision from an experience he witnessed that left him feeling like there is no use in talking when nothing positive comes out of it. For me, I am the talker, I drown out what could be a conversation because for a long time if I didn't, there would be silence, and I cannot stand silence because I felt more insecure, I felt like the caring just went out the window, that perhaps I just didn't matter. But I tried to get a response... and again, the more I tried the more he backed away... I just never really knew why. EFT helps the why's get answered, helping us see our spouse in a new light, helping us realize why we really feel the way we do during certain times in our marital journey and attacking them in positive ways so that we really can come together in oneness.

I am really excited to continue with EFT and see where it leads us next. I'm sure this will not be the last time I touch on EFT.

Welcome! - In the Beginning....

I am so excited about this blog for a number of reasons... and will try my best to keep it up to date each day, if not each week. I am a busy stay-at-home mom of 3 little kids and a stepmom to an almost teenager. I have been married to my charm for almost 7 years, longer than my 1st two tried marriages that I tried to work through the devastating decisions & actions brought upon themselves and despite their unwillingness to work with me through it all. I swore I would never remarry again... but LOVE kind of sinks into the heart, attaches to your soul and you just want to embrace it tightly. I was cautious, though things happened quickly after my 2nd divorce... I knew that I had to keep the baggage I carried out the door and start fresh from day one if I were to engage into another relationship and marriage. I knew that we needed to work hard each day to continually enhance our marriage relationship. I have always loved self-help books and classes that strengthen ourselves and our relationships with others, esp our spouse. I have discovered a handful of techniques that are absolutely eye openers, at least for me they were and continue to be a positive part of myself and what I strive for. Despite the knowledge, the discoveries, the insights I personally have had - no marriage comes 100% flawless. There will be issues, there will be heartache, there will be misunderstandings, there will be continual forgiveness, there will be tears, and sometimes there will be a feeling of being lost if you two don't come together and do the necessary things that require us to have strong marital and family foundations. We are each responsible for ourselves, our actions, our words. And while we are responsible for these things, we all still have a right to how we feel from the words or actions of your loved one - it doesn't mean that we haven't taken responsibility for them, that we shouldn't become hurt or angry because he said or did something that would naturally make us feel this way, it just means that we are human. And because we are human we should embrace each other, care a little more, find the good things of each other each day, work towards a better marriage and continue working to enhance it in every way we can - we all have room for improvement no matter where you are at in your marriage. We all simply have room for improvement. Marriage can be wonderful, joyful, fun, happy, everything you dreamed of... but it takes hard work, sacrifice, forgiveness, setting our priorities straight, and finding what works for you.

I have a passion for marriage. It is God-centered, God-created. It is sacred and should be treated as this. Sometimes it is easy to feel like giving up, tossing in the towel, and not looking back but moving on elsewhere - but divorce is not easy, esp with children (which I will get to in some posts)... and remarriage is never easy, and remarriage with a stepfamily or blended family is that much harder. But it is worth every effort.

That love you felt in the beginning that might now be a distant memory, can still be yours.

My husband and I have had our share of rocky roads - between the whole remarriage (for both of us), to being in a stepfamily and all that entails, starting our own family just after marriage, to financial woes since we married etc. We are just now learning to come together, though for the last 7 years I thought we had been. We do love each other... we love our little family... we love life... and we want us to be in that life together... we want to do what we need to do to enhance our marriage and continue to do so for the rest of our days. I don't have a Ph.D in psychology, but I have had hands-on experience and discoveries that I want to share with you - in hopes to help you in your own journeys to a strong marriage.