Genuine Apology

I apologize that I have not been around here lately. This summer was super busy with a lot of outings and I don't think that being busy is going to change much, as school has started for my stepson and oldest, and I will be going back to school come this October to become a Licensed Massage Therapist. I also team teach doTERRA Classes throughout the month. Anyway, just a little explanation as to why I have been MIA.

However, here is a great quote from Marriage Missions International:

"Humble yourself enough to give or receive a genuine apology. At a certain point in every marriage, one or both of you is bound to mess up. Someone will do something to disappoint the other. The hallmark of a good marriage is how well you move past these incidents. Can you sincerely say 'I’m sorry' without being prompted? Can you accept when your spouse says 'I’m sorry' without questioning their sincerity?" -T.P.J.

Mutual Respect

Marriage is a partnership that must be built on mutual respect. That’s a basic building block of any relationship. Two are better than one, the Bible says. But when one makes all the decisions alone, the value of two minds is wasted." - The Agape Connection

Grace-Based Home

"Sometimes we fool ourselves into expecting perfection. Your home needs to be a place where you allow your mate to make mistakes. In a grace-based home my mate isn't going to be perfect, but my mate is not my enemy. My mate is the love of my life. Where do you need to go back to your mate & say, 'I came down on you too hard, will you forgive me? You can make mistakes, because I've made mistakes too.'" -G&B Rosberg (snagged from Marriage Missions International)

Revisiting Problems

"When an argument starts to get out of control between you and your spouse, look for ways to defuse the situation until you can come back and work on the problem again in a more sensible and honoring way. Even if you have to revisit the same problem a dozen or more times, commit to working on it —until you can control it together—rather than having it control you and allow it to divide you in marital partnership." -- Marriage Missions International

So incredibly true! Some problems NEED to be revisited to make sure it is clear in the head and heart with no misunderstandings on how the other is feeling, why, etc on both sides. If other feelings or questions arise while you are going through the issue, then deal with them. It doesn't make the other person wrong for their feelings, they can own their feelings, as you can too - come together and work it out.

If there is anything left unresolved then it will just keep hitting your marriage back in the face over and over again, either digging a bigger hole or increasing the load of the issue. Just work it out, and don't worry if you have to revisit it, that doesn't make it wrong to need to revisit it, it just means you are working through and good for you!

Secrets of Marriage

"Secrets of Marriage: -By doing a little bit each day, you can get a lot accomplished. -Little things are the things you love the most. -The days are long, but the years are short. -What you do EVERY DAY matters more than what you do ONCE IN A WHILE. -You don't have to be good at everything. -What's fun for other people may not be fun for you & vice versa. -It’s okay to ask for help." -From Simplemarriage.net

Marriage is not a destination

"Marriage is not a destination; it takes work every day. Every day we will face things in our marriages that we did not anticipate. We are called to fight what is wrong and give ourselves to what is right. We are called to love each other in practical and specific ways. We must live a constant “God-awareness,” and look at situations through God’s eyes. We need to demonstrate our love for our spouses in practical, daily, concrete, tangible, noticeable ways." -- The Agape Connection

Grow Together So That You Stay Together

"Be friends. Build an ongoing friendship with your spouse. Play together. Work together. Laugh together. Make time for each other & share your life. Problems are easier to deal with when you're friends. It's easier to give & receive forgiveness from someone that you believe has your back. Make sure that your spouse is a friend. Grow together so that you stay together" -LB. "A friend loves at all times" -Prov. 17:17" -- Marriage Missions International

Be Intentional

“If a married couple with children has fifteen minutes of uninterrupted, non-logistical, non-problem-solving talk every day, I would put them in the top 5% of all married couples. It's an extraordinary achievement” -Bill Doherty. Don’t forget to connect with your spouse – the one human you have vowed to be closest to. Be intentional." -- Marriage Missions International

This reminds me of what a therapist once said. Before you even pay your mortgage, figure out for the month of what you and your spouse are going to do recreational-wise together. Not that it means that you can go spend whatever you want on your recreation and bag the mortgage, the whole idea of it is that you are putting your marriage first. You are holding it at the highest priority. 

You should be having positive recreational outings with your spouse, but also with your children on a monthly basis. That will give you some balance into your home and family life. Not sure what to do? Google some ideas online in your area, and then make a list and pick them that way. Or an idea I got off Pinterest earlier this year was to make a "Can of Dates". I got a plastic container from Walmart (the ones you'd put maybe some chocolate covered raisins in. Not sure why that is the first thing that even popped into my head, since I am not a big fan of those. But hopefully you get what I am saying.) You gals can decorate the container all cute if you want, just for fun. I did! Then I typed up several different ideas, printed them off, cut them out and folded them into the jar. Each month you can take one or more out and figure out what your activities are going to be for that month with your spouse. You can have a similar jar for your family too. It kind of makes it fun and to be able to do activities that maybe you might not try or forgot about doing.

Besides that, general every day chit-chat is important - I mean, don't you want to know how your spouse's day went? And don't just ask and then not listen, care about them, care about their day. Be intentional. Stop what you are doing and listen. Don't be distracted by other things going on around you. Even your children - if what they need can wait, help show them that your marriage is important, help instill in them this importance so that when they are married they will have a positive start to their marriage. 

Another good thing to do is talking every week as a check-up on making sure you are on the same page... that is huge in marriage! Goal setting individually and helping our spouses make their goals to be reality. If you have the lack of want and lack of feeling like your spouse's goals are important, I would suggest that you change your attitude and be excited about their goals. Of course, you'll want those goals to be something that would enhance themselves - whether that be spiritual, emotional, or physical. But, be excited because this is your spouse we're talking about, this is your spouse who has their own desires, wants, and goals and the first person that you should feel support from is your spouse. If you don't feel support then talk it through, be attentive to the needs of your spouse, care about them, work through them. 

Be intentional. Choose to Love.

Let Love Be Your Highest Goal

"People say love is blind. It's just the opposite. Love sees things no one else sees. It sees both the potential & the flaws in your spouse. But if you have God's love, you love in spite of them. Jesus said in essence, 'do you want to know what life is about? Love God; love people.' That's what marriage is about. The apostle Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 14: 'Let love be your highest goal.'" IS it your highest goal?" -- Marriage Missions International

You Have A Part to Play

"In EVERY argument & crisis, you have a part to play. Perhaps you're in the wrong, or maybe you were technically “right” but standing up for your 'rights' made something go wrong in the relationship. Whatever the case –you had a part to play. The road to healing begins with admitting that. So choose to own it. Do it deeply & sincerely with no 'but you shouldn’t have…' attached. It only takes one to initiate change." -- Marriage Missions International

One of the best things a father can do...

"One of the best things a father can do for his kids is love their mother & build a strong marriage. The effort you put into your marriage is worth it to your children. A strong marriage breeds security. A child with 2 parents who are still in love—& show it—doesn't need to fear that the foundation of her life is going to shake & buckle & split apart. Your marriage is worth every ounce of effort you put into it." 

- Marriage Missions International

Forgiveness

"I’m often asked, “But what if my spouse isn’t willing to forgive me?” That is not your problem. Your responsibility is to admit your mistake and ask forgiveness. You have not taken the first step until you have confessed your own failures. Then your spouse has a choice: to forgive or not to forgive. At any rate, your conscience is clear, and you can now ask God to help you be a part of the solution rather than a part of the problem." -- The Agape Connection

Make Your Mate Your Top Priority

"Do you habitually say hello or good-bye to your mate as one of you enters or exits the home? It's the least you can do to acknowledge that your mate's presence means something to you. A simple hello says, 'I'm happy to see you. I'm here for you.' A sincere good-bye says, 'I know you're going out into the world now, & I care that you're leaving. I'll miss you.' Make your mate your top priority." --Marriage Missions International

 Something I want to touch on with this is something I've learned recently. If you and your spouse have traditions within the marriage - say you watch a particular TV show together each week, or other activities, date night even... and one of you doesn't show up or makes other things you are doing more of a priority, it can feel like you're not caring about your spouse, it can feel like you don't care about those moments together with your spouse, that they aren't important - when traditions in marriage are part of the glue that holds marriage together, that makes marriage work, that makes marriage a happy place to be.  

If your spouse is counting on you for something that has become ritual in your marriage, do it without fail and don't be late, unless you both mutually agree on changing things up. Those moments fill up the love tanks for the both of you, those moments speak volumes of positive reinforcement of how important both of you are to each other, that you want to be with each other, that it is important to take time out of our busy lives and focus on the love of your life.

Healthy Conflict Resolution Tip

"Healthy Conflict Resolution Tip: "Define the One Issue. Make sure there is only one issue & that both of you are discussing that same issue. Sounds simple, right? But most couples don't define their issues, so they end up arguing about different issues when they think they're talking about the same thing" -Gary Oliver. "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions" -Proverbs 18:2." -- Marriage Missions International on FB

Choose To Be Happy ~ Part 2

These are more thoughts off of one of my recent blog posts "Choose To Be Happy".

I think there is a happy balance with the phrase "Choose To Be Happy", what I mean by that is this ::

If you were just rude, disrespectful to your spouse or if you hurt your spouses feelings and you did nothing to take responsibility for it - like an acknowledgment that what you did was wrong, in essence an apology, and perhaps letting your spouse air their feelings on how you made them feel - working through the hurt of it all. So, if you didn't do that, and you suddenly became nice and made it seem like nothing ever happened, it doesn't make it all go away. What it does do is create a sense of hurt that you could care less about your spouse, it creates a negative feeling within the marriage and between the two of you. If you were suddenly nice and your spouse wasn't responsive in the way you'd like them to be (loving, nice back etc.), maybe backtrack a bit and see if you didn't follow through with what should have happened. You cannot expect your spouse to suddenly be happy with you because after all, you treated your spouse like crap, turned around and was nice for a moment and expect them to be lovey towards you. You cannot expect them to choose to be happy in spite of rudeness you dished out to them. Life and love does not work that way.

If there is a serious issue in your marriage that has hurt you or your spouse deeply and it has never been resolved. Stop letting it eat at you and resolve it. Choose to apologize to your spouse, choose to listen to your spouse and the hurt that they are feeling, choose to understand, choose to work through it, choose to love and stop hurting, choose to let go of the hurt, resentment, grudges and choose to forgive, choose to learn to love in the way your spouse feels love. Holding onto it isn't doing you or your spouse any good.

Of course, if you expect your spouse to be lovey towards you after all these years of hurt that they've felt and now there is resentment because you never cared about their feelings and you keep trying and trying to get a positive response from them, it seems that most people react the opposite way and the resentment digs deeper. While your spouse is trying to reach out to receive their own love language, and probably trying to show you love, it is actually backfiring with a deeper issue. The spouse that hurt the other spouse and is now trying to do what he or she thinks is best for the marriage, for him or her, or what they are craving within the marriage for themselves is actually digging at the hurt and creating a bigger hole because your spouse over the years has never talked with you regarding the initial hurt they caused. I think sometimes spouses may not have a clue as to why their spouse responds with negativity and the cycle continues. But at the same time, what good are you doing to yourself with resentment? What good is that doing to your relationship and marriage? What about how we cannot be at our best with others when we are not at best with ourselves?

Rudeness, disrespect, resentment, grudges are not love, it does not lift your marriage to new heights, it is does not lift your spouse, it does not lift yourself. It seem that the adversary is against anything positive and will fight you to the death if you go that direction, especially in families. And if your marriage or family is already caught in a spinning tornado, the fury of the adversary is going to hit harder and harder unless you both take the necessary steps to stop the negative cycle. Both of you need to choose... and choose a number of ways for that happiness to just swell within your hearts, which will overflow into your marriage. And sometimes to get the spinning to stop, one of you has to take that step. If you continue to wait for the other and the other doesn't make the step, the spinning will continue. And it isn't just affecting your marriage, but it is affecting both of you individually.

The more you look at the negative aspects of what your spouse is doing, even in light of one event that took place that made an issue that was not resolved, that has hurt you over the years and your spouse has not seemed to care about it, or seem to care about doing their part, or seem to want to change what needs to be changed - do you think holding onto that hurt for yourself or adding to it with things you suddenly aren't liking is going to help you feel better? What about continuing to do your part? Does it suddenly all stop because your spouse isn't doing what you think your spouse should be doing? Do they even know how you're feeling? Or have you just become a wall to them? Is there a bad cycle going on here? Negative feeds negative. Do you think that your feelings towards the hurt are helping the marriage? Maybe you've tried to work through it through therapy? But is therapy for both of you or just one of you? What are your views? Are you there to "fix" the other person, or are you there together, as equals to fix the marriage as a whole? To learn to love each others love language, as well as learn to effectively communicate and to practice unconditional love.

So your spouse hasn't apologized and you don't ever see them doing it. Do you think you might be putting a condition on love (on your part) if this has been going on for several years? I wonder if the spouse that is hurt, could choose to be happy, choose to continue to do their part, and perhaps help get the marriage to a place where the negative cycle beings to stop and the healing from that issue so long ago can take place. Are you happy with where your marriage is at now? Do you want it to continue this way in misery for the next year, 5 years, 10 years? So why not someone make the change that needs to occur. So, while you are still choosing to do your part, you are choosing love and you are choosing to keep your marriage above the water. I'm not saying that when you choose to stop your end of the negative cycle that everything becomes okay, but it does help immensely. Choose it and you will see how much change you feel in yourself, you'll stop having a constant battle within yourself. God did not intend for you to live in resentment, hurt, anxiety. God wants you to be happy, but you have to choose that. And you do have the ability to choose it no matter if your spouse has not apologized to you. Maybe your spouse never will, do you want to sentence yourself to a lifetime of resentment? It is no way to live and is robbing you of all that life and marriage has to offer.

One of my favorite quotes is by Thomas S. Monson :: "Choose your love. Love your choice." It really isn't rocket science. We all make mistakes, we all need to work through them together, forgive and love our choice.

Attitude of Service

"Submission does not mean that the wife must do all the giving. The husband is to give his life for her. Nor does it mean that she cannot express her ideas. The goal of Paul’s instructions is unity, which requires both to have an attitude of service." -- The Agape Connection on FB

Choose To Be Happy

I'm sure you've heard that attitude is everything, that when we change our attitude our perspective in our trials change for the better or worse if you have a bad attitude. And this does apply to marriage to. I know for myself, when I change my attitude in situations, feelings, the marriage itself does get better. But, I think that this is a worthy subject to go into. 

There is a difference between choosing to be happy - which YES can happen, changing a point-of-view, changing perspective, changing attitude - whatever you do in that regard WILL change things for the better if you allow it. It is really an amazing part of life when you do put that into affect, it can help marriages, it can help lessen stress, and overall allows you to be at your own best - and then so you can be at your best for others.

BUT, if there are some issues within relationships that have not been resolved, choosing to be happy doesn't automatically erase everything, it doesn't mean that everything suddenly goes away, and that life goes on and you start at a clean slate. Problems will arise and you have to as a couple work through them together - of course you have to learn what works best for you on how to work together, if one way works for you but not the other person, you find another way and then practice, practice, practice! And of course, again, if there are issues in the past that are hurting your spouse still and you have not resolved them, choosing to brush it aside isn't going to help your marriage, it would be stupid to brush it aside for one, it would wound your marriage in the here and now and cripple your marriage in the long-run because it was never dealt with properly. It is unhealthy to not learn to work through problems, because problems do and will arise.

Choosing to respect your spouse of their feelings, choosing to understand, choosing to work through it together, is in essence choosing to be happy within your marriage.

Confronting is part of a healthy marriage

"Confronting is part of a healthy marriage. But confronting is about making the marriage stronger, not tearing down another person. It focuses 1st on God’s aim for marriage, which is an intimate connection. When you start despairing about your marriage, can you take that thought, hold it up to God & ask, 'what’s your perspective? What are the promises you have given me?' ...Marriage success is a matter of faith." 

--Marriage Missions International on FB

Waiting for Your Spouse to Make the 1st Move

Are you finished with marital therapy?

How many days out are you and your spouse or yourself is not doing anything that you learned? Do you feel like your high when you left the last appointment at the marital office has been deflated?

Are you waiting for your spouse to make the first move?

Why?

I think this is something that happens quite frequently in marriages after marital therapy. I know I have been in this boat before. But here is the thing, sometimes it may feel scary to jump right in and do the tools you learned in your marital therapy without a 3rd party present. But you must trust in your spouse that what you learned, that good feeling you left with will return over and over again. And the only way have that actually happen is by putting those tools into practice and more practice mode.

Staying silent is just going to lead you both back into a downward spiral and if you haven't put in place your "safety net" (where both of you or one of you even can put up your flag and safely say that things aren't going where they should be, and at that point in time you do a re-evaluation with trying the tools again, and if the tools aren't working like they should be, then you go back to marital therapy for a refresher.) It doesn't mean you have failed, it simply means that you're stuck and you need further assistance. Don't ignore the further assistance and don't brush it off with "we've already been, so what is the point in going again when we've already learned what we need to do." Stuck happens to all of us, make the right choice to make the marriage move forward again. Every marriage, no matter where you are at in your marriage has the wonderful opportunities to become more enhanced - stuck or not.

And what if you start trying, you take that step, but your communication is the same ole', same ole' scenario? Should you quit right then and there? Does it mean that there marital therapy was a waste of time? Does it mean that there is no point in trying anymore? Does it mean that your spouse isn't taking things seriously? Does it mean that your spouse doesn't care about you or your marriage?

NO! The tools you learn in marital therapy don't just suddenly happen overnight, they are not yet a strong foundation in your marriage. You need to be patient with one another, think about what your therapist said to you, and take steps in moving forward. Start your conversation over if you need to. The more you practice the tools, the more the same ole', same ole' scenario that made your marriage go on a downward spiral will be something of the past. The more you use the tools, the more it'll be ingrained in you and eventually you won't have to think about it, it'll just come naturally.

But, something a therapist said once, was something I mentioned above. Make sure you have in place a "safety net" - whether one or both of you are feeling like the tools that you have been using are stuck, if things are stuck you simply need to know that you get back into marital therapy for a refresher. Again, it does not mean you that you have failed in your marriage - all marriages need some enhancement no matter where you are at with your marriage. You need to remember too if one of you only feels stuck and the other doesn't, doesn't mean that your spouse is wrong. This is what she or he is feeling, and that is another reason that safety net is in place - to help you to feel safe with one another when things feel "off" and continue to move forward.

Remembering the why's of how our spouse reacts to certain situations will also give us more patience and understanding in learning a new song and dance, a positive one.  It helps us also to remember our part in all this and what we need to be doing. It isn't all about her. It isn't all about him. It is about the both of you, coming together, making a choice to love unconditionally towards one another.

Make a Better Choice

I came across a link to a blog post on my Facebook news feed. It has been a topic that has been on my mind, mainly due to someone close to me that is struggling with their own marriage for several different reasons. But, overall I believe this [being right for both spouses] is a core of why many marriages struggle. I highly recommend for you to read this ::

Marriage Is For Losers

My own thoughts about this subject is how many spouses are arguing their point only, they both want to be right - instead of caring about the other person's feelings. I find that sometimes spouses feel that nothing that comes out of their spouses mouth is right, that their point of view is not right, that their feelings are not right or construed to something that shouldn't be. But who are you to tell your spouse how they should or shouldn't feel? Who are you to tell them that their point of view is wrong? Everyone perceives things differently at times, and that doesn't make it wrong. Something a therapist told me once is something that has always stuck in my mind regarding this subject. He said, "if you have 5 people on a corner and there was a head-on collision in the intersection, how many stories would you hear of how it happened? --- Five, because they all felt and saw things differently. It doesn't mean it is wrong, their point of view is right for them." The thing that we have to come to understand is the feelings of the individual, and in talking about marriages, you have to come to understand your spouses feelings as their feelings, that they have a right to them, and that your responsibility is to not tell them they are wrong, but to learn to understand and truly make the choice to care about how they are feeling, be there for them, and work through it. Many spouses are thinking about their comeback to what their spouse just said that boiled their insides - instead of thinking about and trying to understand their feelings and point of view.

Between the therapists I've been to before my divorces to a therapist my now husband and I have been to recently to enhance our marriage, I have let the words and tools given flow throughout my mind, heart, and soul and have let it sink in like a sponge. I'm not sure how to even describe it, but they are tools that I hang onto, tools that I know and can see in other marriages work well. I see it in my own, how much we've grown and been strengthened by some decisions we made to make life overall better. I have always been good at reading people, perhaps a gift that I have been given, but it is something that I can pull from all the tools I have learned and apply them to not only my own life, but to others.

I believe that in choosing to change ones attitude towards your spouse, towards your marriage can go along way and can save a marriage. I believe that choosing to care about your spouse, choosing to love him or her can save your marriage. I believe that letting go of "facts" and looking at and working towards healing hurt and open wounds from the past (if it is still hindering your marriage now) can save your marriage.

What is hurting you the most? What is hurting the center of your marriage, what is crumbling the very foundation of your marriage? When you make the decision to stop belittling, to stop being right, to stop pointing the finger, to stop silencing your spouse, to stop having the next comeback, amongst so many other things; and to start to love, to care you will be able to piece back the foundation of your marriage, you will be able to grow in love and strength. But until then, if you keep on the road you've been walking, you will not get ahead - your dignity will be lost within the walls of something other than what God intended marriage to be. The first step is to make the better choice.

Forgive Your Parents & Make A Change

Are you in one of those boats where you're realizing in your adulthood and marriage that you are doing things that you saw your parents do in their marriage, things that you didn't necessarily like or that gave you bad feelings growing up? Are you making excuses as to why you act the way you do with your spouse because of the example that was set for you? Are you making excuses for your spouse as to why they are the way they are? Are you angry with your parents for not being more of what you needed to go into your marital relationship with more positive attributes?

Look, we all have something we take that is either positive or negative from our childhood into our adulthood. Why? Because no parent has a solid-proof how-to book that comes out with you from the womb. Whether you, yourself is a parent right now you will either know or come to know that you do the very best you can at the time of each situation. We are who we are because of the trials we've come through throughout our life, not just something negative that we may have pulled out from our upbringing that you may not like to see in yourself.

You don't like it? Is it affecting your marriage in a negative way? Change it. You have the ability to learn a different song and dance, a different tune... You have the ability and maybe not know-how yet, but you can learn the know-how through a marital therapist. Be patient with yourself and your spouse as you learn to instill in yourself a better way to whatever it is that you are dealing with.

Are you angry with your parents for this example they set for you? My best advice is to get over it. Like I said, they did the best with what the knew how or felt at the time. If you are a parent, you know that even as a parent you make mistakes - parent's are not perfect - and we should make the necessary steps to forgive them. Perhaps mentally stepping in their shoes at the time of something that you're holding onto would help you understand why they did what they did, why they said what they said. Do you even know what trials they were going through themselves and how that played a roll in their own decisions as parents? When you can let it go, give it to God and move on, a huge weight will be lifted from your shoulders.

I love my parents. I know that they did their best in all the situations that arose for them and their family. I am grateful for my parents in many ways throughout my life, their unconditional love and always trying their best to show me what was best. And despite running into a few things here and there that I have learned to change within myself and marriage, this is an understanding I have come to over the years and I am grateful for their example and I am grateful for the releasing breathe of fresh air of realizing that my parents are not perfect.
Of course, there is always a process involved with change. Sometimes that process is taking steps forward and back again. As long as you are moving forward, no matter the steps you take back will lessen over time.

Release the Hurt

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?"

 -- Quote from Buckeye BonusMom on FB 

This applies to another blog I do called "Yours, Mine, & Ours" but I felt like this quote really applied to marriage too. It is inevitable that we are going to non-intentionally hurt our spouse emotionally from time to time and in varying degrees. You may not think about something before you speak it or you may not know how to word it in a way that embraces rather than pushes them away - hurting your spouse. You may do something that you know in hindsight was stupid and know that you hurt your spouse, or maybe you've said or done something that you are unaware of that hurt your spouse. 

 Whatever the source of the affliction, be willing to work through it together, help one another through the healing process of it all. Learn how to express yourself better so that it doesn't attack your spouse, learn to listen, learn to be a team and then release the hurt, the fear and move forward in strength.

Making the Effort

"Procrastination hurts people -- Laziness prevents us from being loving. Love requires commitment, energy, and work. A lot of people just don't want to work at being loving; it's easier to be lazy. Many marriages break up because one spouse -- perhaps both spouses - are unwilling to make the effort necessary to save the marriage." -- The Agape Connection

 This is true, very, very true. 

So, what if you DO go to marital therapy? You still have to ACT on the "TOOLS" that your therapist gives you to work through each and every day for your marriage. It can sometimes be very difficult to get into a new motion of not being "lazy" and to have commitment towards your spouse. But, do you like where you are at right now? The not doing anything about it, bad feelings towards each other, disconnection, lack of feeling loved etc. Do you like where things are going? 

 STOP and do whatever you need to to change your attitude - an attitude of "I care about my spouse, I want her/him to be happy, yes we need to work through some issues, but holding onto and keeping a dark cloud overhead isn't helping myself or the feeling within our household or marriage. Seek out what you do love about your spouse -because the more you look at the things that bother you the more you're going to go on the downward spiral. And the more you look at every little positive thing, and acknowledge those positive things, the better you will feel and will help your marriage get out of a rut. How about you look at what your spouse needs from you? Instead of what you think he/she needs and do it with love. Choose to love - CHOOSE, because LOVE IS a CHOICE. Strengthen yourself individually, but work at strengthening your marriage. 

I find that even through therapy, there are some insights that you may have never thought of or thought of in that way, that do help you pick up your feet and want to move forward. Marriage is hard work, but worth it - you want to be happy right? Then work at it, stop procrastinating, and DO. 

Stop pointing fingers. Stop trying to be "right". Stop arguing and start learning what is best for you and your spouse to have effective communication. Remember that you both perceive things differently, have different feelings - but can come to understand where the other person is coming from, don't downgrade their feelings. Remember that "The Joneses" marriage doesn't mean that you have to be a carbon copy - that every marriage is what is best for you and your spouse, there are no carbon copies. Figure out what your expectations have been, are, and what your goals are individually and what you'd like to see in your marriage. Be reasonable. Care about the other person. Stop mumbling, stop rolling your eyes, stop giving the silent treatment or do a guessing game of what the other is feeling or thinking. LISTEN and listen without coming up with your comeback, because you are not listening if you are doing that. LISTEN and learn to understand, CLARIFY what you hear so there are no misunderstandings and unnecessary hurt feelings. Work through hurt that has been caused in the past that is hurting your here and now and the future. Remember healing takes time and you can help one another through it. 

PRACTICE makes perfect. Learning new techniques do not happen over night. Be patient with one another. But LEARN what you need to in order to move forward in your marriage. Don't stay at a standstill, because the more you do, the more apart you become emotionally and the easier it is to just throw in the towel. Marriage is worth fighting for. Divorce sucks for so many reasons. Do everything you can to fight for it, and fight for it in the right ways.

Remember the things that you loved about that person before you married them. Do those things that made you feel giddy back in the day. Find other things that bring you closer together. The best advice we received from a therapist is 3 points :: 

1. Focus on Spiritual Strength in Relationship weekly.

2. Focus on Emotional & Mental Commitment to each other weekly.

3. Focus on Physical Activity with each other (couple time) regularly (weekly).

 This overall makes or breaks the marriage - if you aren't doing these things - your marriage will break. Don't let that happen!

Marriages Dissolve Because...

"Many marriages dissolve because couples don't spend time or resources learning how to be successfully married."

--The Agape Connection

A Healthy Marriage

I have been given permission from The Agape Connection on Facebook to quote their quotes here. So from time to time I'll be doing just that. I often share their quotes onto my own wall on Facebook, and want to do the same here. Here it goes ::

"A healthy marriage is one in which you go through the stages of self-discovery and learn to identify your healthy and less-than-healthy expectations. Then you choose to take personal responsibility for your actions and reactions. Finally, you make the commitment to honor the marriage and your spouse." -- The Agape Connection

Meridian Magazine - “BE MINE” . . . and I Really Mean It

I came across this article in my Inbox. I thought I would share it with you. It is a good read. I personally love this part:

"We all know that marriage is challenging. A good marriage doesn’t just happen, it takes planning and doing. Even though it takes work, marriage is worth every ounce of the effort." --- "What can you do this Valentine’s Day that would spark up your marriage?"

SPARK - I like that word. That is along the same lines of what my thoughts were for the blog post I did "Extra Special Day to Show Love ~ Happy Valentine's Day!"

Read the whole article here:

Meridian Magazine - “BE MINE” . . . and I Really Mean It

Extra Special Day to Show Love ~ Happy Valentine's Day!

I ♥ Valentine's Day! Showing our love to our spouse, family, and friends needs to obviously come every day,  especially for our spouse and family - but one special day out of the year, makes it extra special to give focus on making homemade gifts and give other gifts if those choose to do so.

I am sure there are some people that don't do Valentine's Day because of the very thing I said above, that we should be showing love each and every day, and one focused day might seem silly. Some may feel that it is a stupid way for a small boost in the economy for people to purchase items for their loved one. Some see it  strictly as a couples day and should not extend to anyone else. To each their own on their feelings on this day, but for me, I look forward to Valentine's Day, simply for the extra special touches it can give, the opportunity to create something extra special and sometimes a breathe of fresh air to relationships - to your spouse, and even to your kids.

This Valentine's Day, I made the Sweetheart Journal for my spouse. The idea came to me on Pinterest, from MyCreativeStirrings.com. Instead of buying a journal, I bought a nice decorative notebook instead, which was less expensive and easier for me to put the little note inside of what the Sweetheart Journal was all about. I'm really excited to do it with my husband, and he seemed to be excited about the idea as well.

Also, from Pinterest, on the same website above, I did my own version of Can of Dates. I found an inexpensive plastic container at Walmart. And then I found some cardboard stickers that were lovey, that I attached to the container. I haven't quite completed this project, but this is part of the 2nd part of my husband's Valentine present. One thing we need to work on in our marriage is more regular date outings, so I thought perhaps if we had some ideas that we could pull out of a jar at the beginning of each month that would help us get the ball rolling better. I would add, that if one of the date ideas you pull out that is on a season that you're not in currently, just replace it with something you can do and put it back in your Can of Dates. Can't think up any ideas for several ideas for dates? If you Google "Ideas for Dates" - there are many lists that you can choose from and then add your own as well. It kind of gets the creative juices flowing and you actually start thinking about what is actually around in your own area that would be a great for dates. At the same time, I thought of many outings we can do as a family too - thinking about doing a Can of Family Outings too, kind of a bucket list for our family. Also on Pinterest, there is a list of 50 Fun and Cheap Date Ideas, which I gathered some ideas off of for our Can of Dates.

When I was little, in Elementary school, one of my most fondest memories was making a themed box of some sort to collect the Valentine's I would get from fellow classmates. I haven't had the opportunity to do that yet with my kids, but look forward to it. My oldest is only in 1st grade and they did something more simple for Kindergarten and even this year, but seeing one of the neighbor kids do an R2-D2 Valentine Box got me excited for future school years, as I was starting to think they just didn't do that anymore. It was fun nonetheless for my son to be able to pick out his Transformer Valentine cards for his classmates, and then an extra special something for his best friend. For his teachers, we made an idea from Pinterest, a teacher gift for his 1st grade teacher, assistant teacher, and music teacher "We need S'more teachers like you" -- the store even had these clever new marshmallows that are flat to fit better to make the smores treat! So cute!

The kids made daddy a Valentine by cutting a heart out of paper, writing a little note of why they love dad. A treasured item for sure!

For our neighbors and grandparents, we are doing a recipe I found on Pinterest called Red Velvet Cheesecake Brownies. Only, I am going to do pink ones instead since the red food coloring was for some reason ;-) very popular right now. I love to be able to do this for neighbors too because when you otherwise don't see them all that much, it gives an extra special day to say "I'm thinking about you, hope you are doing well. Thanks for being a great neighbor!"

For the kids, we have always gotten them a little stuffed animal of some sort and sometimes a little treat. They will get those this evening.

And for me, my husband helped boost the economy a little by purchasing a Blu-ray disc of The Twilight Saga - Breaking Dawn Part 1. I am super excited about this because while I am a BIG fan of the books, and of the movies so far... I am okay with waiting for it to come out on DVD. But super excited to watch it this evening with my husband, yes unlike many other spouses who want to shoot these movies, my husband enjoys watching it with me. ♥

While I had plans to make heart-shaped pancakes this morning, that will have to become dinner (our family loves breakfast for dinner), since my youngest decided to wake up at the wee hours of the morning and have a little giggle chat with me, I was entirely too tired to wake up and make pancakes. My son who is in school, will get a heart-shaped sandwich and little note in his lunchbox (though I put a little note in his lunchbox every day.) Both my other kids at home will also get a heart-shaped sandwich for lunch.

So, just some ideas for your special day or future special days - and this doesn't just have to be for Valentine's day, do it just out of the blue if you'd like, but one special day to me out of the year gives a lot of focus on helping our relationships to have an extra boost in the right direction, a breathe of fresh air.

I would encourage you to customize your own Valentine's Day for you and your spouse. Every marriage is different. Don't feel like you have to live up to the Jones'. There isn't one way that is stamped of how you should go about Valentine's Day for you and your spouse or your family for that matter. You do what works for the both of you. What is important to your spouse? You don't have to go broke to show your love; and if you do go broke that will just be one thing that goes against your marriage - don't do that. Simply do what works, add a little extra special touch to this day, and do it with genuine love.

So, Happy Valentine's Day to All of You!!! ♥

Marital Therapy Not Working?

We have all heard "It takes two to tango..." Marital therapy will work if you BOTH are taking good looks at yourselves, and coming together with respect and understanding and learning what works best for your relationship and marriage. And then applying those "tools" together.

However, I recently learned something that might be of benefit to you.

When therapists get their degree or become certified, they become certified as a general therapist. Anything marital related comes from extra curricular classes and education on their own time. So, something that might be beneficial to you before you get involved with someone that says they specialize in marital therapy, is what their training has been with it, what their success rate is with it, what is their approach with marital therapy and so on. Otherwise you might be getting into a therapy session that isn't going to really pan out very well.

Which then brings me to some types of therapy simply does not work well with some couples, not because you are failures at your marriage, but because we all jive with different types of therapy, some better than others. Perhaps the therapist that has adequate knowledge about different types would be of benefit to you, simply because if there is only one type that he or she teaches and it doesn't jive with you or your spouse, you'll feel like your marriage is in a worse spot, and the likelihood of you seeking out another therapist is more slim. The idea behind that is, if this therapist didn't work for us, then why try again?

Try again. Be patient with one another, and with yourself. Change does not happen over night. Be educated on who you are actually going to. Get referrals from other couples who have had positive experiences.


Having been married before, having gone through marital therapy more than once before, and even recently, my most positive experience has been with EFT (Emotional Focused Therapy). It has given new hope, understanding, new insights, a different, yet positive "dance" rather than the negative "dance" many couples get into with communicating feelings to one another, as well as the overall feel of the entire relationship/marriage.

Execute the tools that have been given to you and you will be able to come out with flying colors! Remember love is a choice. You can choose to have the marriage that you would like to have!

Marriage Recipe

This was pretty random, but as I was looking for a dessert recipe in one of my older recipe books, a recipe book that was compiled and put together by a ward I was in several years ago, I found a recipe that just made me smile. In the very back, there was a recipe on Marriage. I thought it was pretty clever and cute, and I thought many women would get a good chuckle out of it. So, here you go:

Marriage

1 lifelong commitment
1/2 hour daily cuddling
5 annual reminders about anniversary
19 subtle hints about breath
3 self-help books
16 toilet seat lessons
21,000 home cooked dinners
30,000 shirts, folded
2 1/2 pieces of lingerie

Blend all ingredients together, keeping expectations at low and let simmer 50+ years. Bring to a boil when necessary.

Results may vary.