After I posted "Distractions" - I did a little soul searching. Knowing I still needed to work on this area of my life, I started to figure out what I needed to do and what exactly did I need to eliminate that wasn't imperative for me to keep. I connect to things on an emotional level, so while this might seem like a fairly simple thing to do - eliminating distractions, it can be sometimes a painful process. But worth it in the end.
Besides this blog, I have another one that I am passionate about called Yours, Mine & Ours. I'm sure I am not completely leaving that blog, but I am stepping back from it a bit. I want to be able to reach out to others because I find that to be really important; having felt alone at a time in my life of going through what I did and not knowing for a time if what I was feeling was normal or I was going crazy was really difficult. It is like a big black cloud that follows you wherever you go and rains down upon you without any sight of sunshine ever peeking through. I feel like I can step back a bit from my other blog because I am involved with two great stepmom groups, one of them being with many of who I consider my best friends. I have a place with them that keeps that sunshine peeking through. I am not stepping away from this blog however, as I have a passion for this subject as well. And with my own experiences with divorce and divorce always on the rise and struggling marriages for different reasons, I hope to be able to help give some insight to help you in your marital journey.
Over a year, plus some I have realized something about myself that I am not sure how to really reign in or improve really, but I am always analyzing myself and always trying to figure out how best I can to improve myself and a whole, but the relationships I have with others and so on.
Other distractions I have stepped away from was groups I was on that were more or less crowding out everything else on my news feed on Facebook. Many of the people I associate with, within those groups I am direct friends with and/or I have their email and can be contacted if needed via that route than having hundreds of extra feeds coming from several different directions. I have thought about completely deactivating my account for a time, but I'm not sure if that is something that I want to even do. First, we'll see how it goes with eliminating some of the distractions coming several different directions before I deactivate and go back to the "simple" life of technology - email and text messaging and actually calling people and talking on the phone.
I guess I just have to find a niche here to get less distracted in my life and have more time in my day to do what is most important than try to keep up with everything that is pulling me in a thousand (it feels like at times) directions than where I really need to be.
Have you found yourself in these instances before? What did you do to resolve the issue? Or has your spouse tried to help you see that you may need to take less distractions out of your days? Did you feel angry with them for this? Do you think that maybe they just want to spend some time with you or as a family? I believe that moving forward has to come with the first step of realizing there is a problem within yourself before you can make a healthy step in the right direction for yourself and for your spouse and family.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Distractions
Recently I have read a couple of articles on the distractions in marriages. Distractions that take us away from what is most important. Distractions that seem to sometimes have our finger wrapped around whatever it may be rather than what is most important - our spouse.
I have "suffered" from these distractions before, and on occasions I still do, though not as bad and I am a work in progress - (you may have figured out that one of my favorite motto's is "we all have room for improvement") - that is me, learning and improving as I go. I have an addictive personality, and I have to be constantly aware of that so I am focusing on moving forward rather than engrossing myself in things that are not of real benefit. I have to be careful with my time and really have my priorities straight.
What are some of the distractions in your marriage?
How about Facebook or other networking sites?
TV?
Video games?
Do you even really realize how it is affecting your spouse? Your marriage?
There was a time where I realized I was a part of too many websites, and I unsubscribed from many of them. And had to make a conscious effort to prioritize what was important to me online and what I could do without. Of course I am always getting offers to check out other social networking sites from friends, but I just have to turn my head the other way or politely say "no thanks."
When I got involved with Facebook, I had no idea what I was really getting myself into. It took me a good long time to pull away from the initial shock and bombardment of everything Facebook is and has to offer. I had to come up with a plan of action otherwise I had to just turn my back to it. I'm still working out the kinks and learning as I go, but not as involved as I was.
And, there was a time where my charm and I just weren't really spending any time together. And I felt like I was trying to get his attention, to spend some time together, but he was on his laptop, doing what I don't really know and eventually I just gave up and found something else to do. Though, my something else was not real positive for myself or our marriage. I was in the computer room, essentially wasting time and hoping that eventually we'd come together - though how does that happen when we are living in the same household, but spending time away from each other in two separate rooms?
During those times, I did waste my time on the computer. Though I have some good solid productivity on the computer that include some of my hobbies, such as journaling, our family website, creating photo books on Shutterfly, blogging, as well as staying in touch with my friends who keep me sane in this crazy thing called life. I also do side work with genealogy, and try and do that in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed. I have had to set aside a time each month to do these activities that really mean a lot to me. But then there is all the other stuff that bombards us on the computer that just really pulls more away from us.
I always think about how much technology is a great tool, yet it is also evil in more ways than one. I am a Christian, and I do believe that Satan has a good hold on people through media (video games and TV), through the many distractions of the computer. Just one more way of destroying the family, center to God's plan and destroying marriage. Sometimes these things can lead people down other paths that can destroy yourself, your marriage, and family. I urge you to take a good look at yourself and see where your behaviors are in regards to the distractions in your marriage. And don't go blaming your spouse for your behavior, of why you are playing a video game or other distractions that take away from the marriage itself. If you are doing that to fill a void within your marriage by doing something completely unrelated to the nurturing or growth of your marriage - well it really isn't helping, but hindering.
I know that at one point I made a point to spend my time on the computer because trying to spend time with my charm just didn't seem to be happening. But I realized the error of my mistake when I did that. So, I tried to replace that habit with something else, only it still wasn't the best of things being that it was two TV shows that were late at night, a time when I could have been spending it with my charm. Somehow, some way I needed to figure out how to reign our marriage in and relay my needs to spend time together, as I believed that he did too - we just simply weren't.
One of the things I think about, a motivator for me is that I never want my spouse or my children to ever feel like my time on the computer is more important than they are. I think about that and what a terrible feeling that would be for them, and what a bad example I would be to them in regards to healthy time spent on these distractions. For instance, if I spend time with my spouse or my son on the Wii for a short period of time, then that is healthy. If I spend time on the Wii by myself while my spouse wants to spend time with me me or my children need me or they want me to play with them, that is unhealthy.
Our marriages need nurturing on a daily basis! I am no angel when it comes to this, I have my faults, and am always a work in progress.
One of the articles I read is called "My Wife Is NOT My Friend (On Facebook)" This is a great article, and really puts things into perspective of just how fast, yet like a frog in a pot of water that is being slowly warmed up to its death doesn't suspect or see what is really going on until it is too late. Our marriages with all of these distractions are unhealthy for more reasons than one, the lack of nurturing, lack of effective communication and so on are unhealthy and over a period of time, though sometimes quickly leads us to hanging on by a rope in our marriages; we are essentially at our marital death.
And this is the other article I came across: "Addiction? Video games crowded out man's real life"
He talks about the video game World of Warcraft and just how much it affected his life as a whole. I think about how our minds are such precious gifts to us from God Himself. What are we really subjecting ourselves to? Are we enhancing our minds or destroying them? Sure a little fun with video games can be good fun, good activity times even with your spouse, but if you're so tied into something that you just can't take yourself away from it or it is replacing time with the lack of whatever is going on in your marriage, get yourself away from it and get some help for yourself, for your marriage, for your family!
I have "suffered" from these distractions before, and on occasions I still do, though not as bad and I am a work in progress - (you may have figured out that one of my favorite motto's is "we all have room for improvement") - that is me, learning and improving as I go. I have an addictive personality, and I have to be constantly aware of that so I am focusing on moving forward rather than engrossing myself in things that are not of real benefit. I have to be careful with my time and really have my priorities straight.
What are some of the distractions in your marriage?
How about Facebook or other networking sites?
TV?
Video games?
Do you even really realize how it is affecting your spouse? Your marriage?
There was a time where I realized I was a part of too many websites, and I unsubscribed from many of them. And had to make a conscious effort to prioritize what was important to me online and what I could do without. Of course I am always getting offers to check out other social networking sites from friends, but I just have to turn my head the other way or politely say "no thanks."
When I got involved with Facebook, I had no idea what I was really getting myself into. It took me a good long time to pull away from the initial shock and bombardment of everything Facebook is and has to offer. I had to come up with a plan of action otherwise I had to just turn my back to it. I'm still working out the kinks and learning as I go, but not as involved as I was.
And, there was a time where my charm and I just weren't really spending any time together. And I felt like I was trying to get his attention, to spend some time together, but he was on his laptop, doing what I don't really know and eventually I just gave up and found something else to do. Though, my something else was not real positive for myself or our marriage. I was in the computer room, essentially wasting time and hoping that eventually we'd come together - though how does that happen when we are living in the same household, but spending time away from each other in two separate rooms?
During those times, I did waste my time on the computer. Though I have some good solid productivity on the computer that include some of my hobbies, such as journaling, our family website, creating photo books on Shutterfly, blogging, as well as staying in touch with my friends who keep me sane in this crazy thing called life. I also do side work with genealogy, and try and do that in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed. I have had to set aside a time each month to do these activities that really mean a lot to me. But then there is all the other stuff that bombards us on the computer that just really pulls more away from us.
I always think about how much technology is a great tool, yet it is also evil in more ways than one. I am a Christian, and I do believe that Satan has a good hold on people through media (video games and TV), through the many distractions of the computer. Just one more way of destroying the family, center to God's plan and destroying marriage. Sometimes these things can lead people down other paths that can destroy yourself, your marriage, and family. I urge you to take a good look at yourself and see where your behaviors are in regards to the distractions in your marriage. And don't go blaming your spouse for your behavior, of why you are playing a video game or other distractions that take away from the marriage itself. If you are doing that to fill a void within your marriage by doing something completely unrelated to the nurturing or growth of your marriage - well it really isn't helping, but hindering.
I know that at one point I made a point to spend my time on the computer because trying to spend time with my charm just didn't seem to be happening. But I realized the error of my mistake when I did that. So, I tried to replace that habit with something else, only it still wasn't the best of things being that it was two TV shows that were late at night, a time when I could have been spending it with my charm. Somehow, some way I needed to figure out how to reign our marriage in and relay my needs to spend time together, as I believed that he did too - we just simply weren't.
One of the things I think about, a motivator for me is that I never want my spouse or my children to ever feel like my time on the computer is more important than they are. I think about that and what a terrible feeling that would be for them, and what a bad example I would be to them in regards to healthy time spent on these distractions. For instance, if I spend time with my spouse or my son on the Wii for a short period of time, then that is healthy. If I spend time on the Wii by myself while my spouse wants to spend time with me me or my children need me or they want me to play with them, that is unhealthy.
Our marriages need nurturing on a daily basis! I am no angel when it comes to this, I have my faults, and am always a work in progress.
One of the articles I read is called "My Wife Is NOT My Friend (On Facebook)" This is a great article, and really puts things into perspective of just how fast, yet like a frog in a pot of water that is being slowly warmed up to its death doesn't suspect or see what is really going on until it is too late. Our marriages with all of these distractions are unhealthy for more reasons than one, the lack of nurturing, lack of effective communication and so on are unhealthy and over a period of time, though sometimes quickly leads us to hanging on by a rope in our marriages; we are essentially at our marital death.
And this is the other article I came across: "Addiction? Video games crowded out man's real life"
He talks about the video game World of Warcraft and just how much it affected his life as a whole. I think about how our minds are such precious gifts to us from God Himself. What are we really subjecting ourselves to? Are we enhancing our minds or destroying them? Sure a little fun with video games can be good fun, good activity times even with your spouse, but if you're so tied into something that you just can't take yourself away from it or it is replacing time with the lack of whatever is going on in your marriage, get yourself away from it and get some help for yourself, for your marriage, for your family!
Quote from "Love and Awakening"
"A soul connection is a resonance between two people who respond to the essential beauty of each other’s individual natures, behind their facades, and who connect on this deeper level. This kind of mutual recognition provides the catalyst for a potent alchemy.
It is a sacred alliance whose purpose is to help both partners discover and realize their deepest potentials. While a heart connection lets us appreciate those we love just as they are, a soul connection opens up a further dimension — seeing and loving them for who they could be, and for who we could become under their influence. This means recognizing that we both have an important part to play in helping each other become more fully who we are.
A soul connection not only inspires us to expand, but also forces us to confront whatever stands in the way of that expansion. Someone who loves us can often see our soul potential more clearly than we can ourselves. When this happens, it has a catalytic effect; it invites and encourages dormant, undeveloped parts of us to come forth and find expression.
Indeed, we are often most strongly attracted to those who we sense “will make us live — and die — more intensely… A soul connection not only inspires us to expand, but also forces us to confront whatever stands in the way of that expansion. – John Welwood, “Love and Awakening"
I saw this thought on Facebook today and had to share it here. My first thought was wow! And I so need to get this book and read it!
The second thought I had drew me the the book "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson regarding how we all seek and need emotional security and without it the connection feels far away, it feels gone at times, it feels shaky. Emotional security is so important! If you have no idea what I am talking about, I urge you to read "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. Perhaps we all should read "Love and Awakening" by John Welwood as well! This quote reminded me of emotional security in a more intensified way.
What do you think of this quote? Have you read this book? Share your thoughts about it.
Monday, August 22, 2011
"Put the Past in the Past..." Screech.... Stop... Rethink
I'm sure throughout your lifetime you have heard some of these phrases:
"put the past in the past..."
"forgive and forget..."
...that you or your spouse has learned to "let things go"
I think these phrases have great meaning; but at the same time, I think they take them a little too far with how life really plays out, how life should be treated - marriage should be treated.
"put the past in the past..." -- We can put the past in the past in marriage IF the past has been resolved. If your spouse has hurt you in some way or another, and if it is in the past and you're still hurting from it. Well, it still is an issue because it hasn't been resolved. Issues cannot be put in the past simply because they are in the past.
"forgive and forget..." ---- Likewise, issues that have not been resolved can certainly be forgiven, but impossible to move forward within the marriage when they haven't been dealt with appropriately. What if your spouse feels betrayed by you from the past? Sorry goes a long way, but so does never doing it again, so does doing what they need you to do so they can keep moving forward - if you do something that sends some sort of "alert" signal to them because of something that happened in the past, then you need to know that you should not do that anymore, they NEED that from you. Things cannot be forgotten unless you help them to heal and help them to move forward with the things they need you to do in the process of it all.
...have you learned to "let things go" --- So, you've learned to let things go... have you considered whether that is really all that healthy or not? Perhaps letting things go on small scale like an opinion - perhaps your spouses opinion for something is very important to them in one way or another and your opinion on the matter can just be let go; that can be healthy. But what about something that needs closure (even if it is an opinion), what about an argument, what about whether or not someone was hurt by the situation itself? Then do you let it go? Absolutely not! Even if you feel like you yourself can "let it go" - don't expect that your spouse does. And don't make yourself superior over your spouse because you have "let it go", if you truly have, then work through it because you love your spouse, because you want the marriage to be unified. Don't portray yourself as 'I've let it go, and you haven't so, therefore I have evolved to a higher plain of existence, and because you are still angry with me, you are not as advanced.' This is not a loving relationship, this is rude, it is demeaning, it pushes the marriage and your spouse in the complete opposite direction.
If you've hurt your spouse and you try to move forward, acting like everything is just fine, trying to do those little things that normally would enhance a marriage, tend to be rather annoying and drag down the marriage rather than helping it because the very issue that you may feel should just simply be in the past and be forgiven is actually still very much in the face of your marriage.
I remember in one of my previous marriages, my spouse treating me terribly, never resolving the issue that was incredibly hurtful to me, then treating me nice for a day or so and then wondering why I wasn't being receptive to the niceness he displayed and then asking me when I would be normal again? Here I was hurt beyond anything I can really describe, and a little niceness does not put a bandaid over the hurt at all, in fact it makes it worse because the language coming from this is that his bad behavior should just simply be forgiven, it was no big deal (on the contrary it was) and because he was nice to me suddenly, that my feelings and needs don't matter, and we moving forward is key for him. Yet resolving the issue at hand is key for the marriage, for your spouse. Not doing that just hurts worse, it creates resentment, it makes the issue bigger because you're just hurting them more over the initial hurt you caused. None of it was ever resolved, the issue is still in the face of marriage, and will not be put in the past simply because time is moving forward and in the literal sense it is the past, but in the normal human world of emotions it is not put in the past and must be worked through.
Do you think maybe your spouse's feelings are wrong? That perhaps their reaction or emotion to the incident is wrong? That what they see is not how it is, so again, they are wrong? Have you ever considered how you might look like in front of your spouse? What does your body language speak? How about the tone in your voice? Or even how you speak to them? Body language, tone of voice, and your words can either help your spouse feel secure in the relationship or you might as well just show them your middle finger. Let me ask you this, how can you place your idea of what emotion they feel is right or wrong? Or what they perceived the incident as? Everyone has different perceptions, it doesn't mean it is wrong. Are we not all human? Do we all not feel? Emotions comes in all shapes and sizes, it isn't wrong for your spouse to have emotion. Emotions are a part of life, a part of marriage.
What matters is how we deal with the emotions that either A. create unity in our marriage or B. a wall is placed between you and your spouse. ---- Telling your spouse that their emotions is wrong is putting a wall between the two of you. Not to mention, telling your spouse that their emotions are wrong, are actually putting yourself in the wrong by saying such a thing. Saying such things makes you superior over them, displays that you really don't care one ditty about their feelings. Putting a wall between the two of you comes from not working through issues, and I would like to highlight that working through issues even if you need to bring them back up from the past, does not make it bad. Keeping them in the past without ever working through them is what is bad. Do you want unity in your marriage? Care about them, care about their feelings, understand their feelings, learn to understand their feelings, help them heal by working through it by what they need from you to work through it; and be receptive in their healing, be the person who is on their knees (figuratively speaking) looking up with sincere apology in your heart and soul and want to work together.
The sad part about this is, all too often the spouse who displays superiority over their spouse tends to go unchecked; in that no matter how many times their spouse tries to find unity within the marriage, tries to help resolve the issue(s), even tries to go to therapy to have the marriage get help, the superior spouse doesn't see the wrong and hurtful things they are doing to pretty much dissolve the marriage itself, and to push away their spouse further. The superior spouse finds blame in every direction you can imagine and that blame is placed solely upon their spouses head. When this goes on and the superior spouse never realizes that this kind of contribution to the marriage actually kills the marriage, it also goes along the lines of emotional abuse. How do I know this? Because I've lived in this kind of abuse before, because a marital therapist thoroughly went over "superior" spouses and how it relates to emotional abuse. There is no sugar-coated truth to this, it is simply abuse, and it is wrong to be treated in such a way.
I have seen where some superior spouses realize the error of their ways and they step down from their pedestal to embrace their spouse in love, in kindness, in caring, in wanting to make the marriage work together. And fantastic when they do, fantastic when they humble themselves enough to realize that both spouses have an important role in the marriage, that they are equals.
Even in regular, run-of-the-mill marriages (without abuse situations) hurt feelings, anger, resentment happens and it can't just be felt and then not dealt with. It cannot just be pushed to the past, it must be worked through. If it isn't worked through between you and your spouse, it continues to fester and smoulder negative feelings which does not foster a nurturing feeling within oneself and your marriage as whole. It will always affect how you deal with issues in the here and now until it is resolved, until it is healed. It will also affect your overall feelings towards your spouse and hinder the ability to fully embrace a loving, caring relationship.
Deal with the issue head on. Bringing up the past is exactly what needs to happen, and sometimes you have to discuss that issue more than once, because the person who has been hurt by it has to heal from it. It doesn't simply just go away. Not dealing with it head on, just sours the marriage even more.
If you're not sure of how to deal with issues, if you're not sure how to work them out, get into therapy and I would highly recommend looking into a therapist that specializes in emotional focused therapy (EFT). There are different approaches to therapy and a lot of good can come out of it if you are not one above the other, only if you are willing to become unified in the marriage.
"put the past in the past..."
"forgive and forget..."
...that you or your spouse has learned to "let things go"
I think these phrases have great meaning; but at the same time, I think they take them a little too far with how life really plays out, how life should be treated - marriage should be treated.
"put the past in the past..." -- We can put the past in the past in marriage IF the past has been resolved. If your spouse has hurt you in some way or another, and if it is in the past and you're still hurting from it. Well, it still is an issue because it hasn't been resolved. Issues cannot be put in the past simply because they are in the past.
"forgive and forget..." ---- Likewise, issues that have not been resolved can certainly be forgiven, but impossible to move forward within the marriage when they haven't been dealt with appropriately. What if your spouse feels betrayed by you from the past? Sorry goes a long way, but so does never doing it again, so does doing what they need you to do so they can keep moving forward - if you do something that sends some sort of "alert" signal to them because of something that happened in the past, then you need to know that you should not do that anymore, they NEED that from you. Things cannot be forgotten unless you help them to heal and help them to move forward with the things they need you to do in the process of it all.
...have you learned to "let things go" --- So, you've learned to let things go... have you considered whether that is really all that healthy or not? Perhaps letting things go on small scale like an opinion - perhaps your spouses opinion for something is very important to them in one way or another and your opinion on the matter can just be let go; that can be healthy. But what about something that needs closure (even if it is an opinion), what about an argument, what about whether or not someone was hurt by the situation itself? Then do you let it go? Absolutely not! Even if you feel like you yourself can "let it go" - don't expect that your spouse does. And don't make yourself superior over your spouse because you have "let it go", if you truly have, then work through it because you love your spouse, because you want the marriage to be unified. Don't portray yourself as 'I've let it go, and you haven't so, therefore I have evolved to a higher plain of existence, and because you are still angry with me, you are not as advanced.' This is not a loving relationship, this is rude, it is demeaning, it pushes the marriage and your spouse in the complete opposite direction.
If you've hurt your spouse and you try to move forward, acting like everything is just fine, trying to do those little things that normally would enhance a marriage, tend to be rather annoying and drag down the marriage rather than helping it because the very issue that you may feel should just simply be in the past and be forgiven is actually still very much in the face of your marriage.
I remember in one of my previous marriages, my spouse treating me terribly, never resolving the issue that was incredibly hurtful to me, then treating me nice for a day or so and then wondering why I wasn't being receptive to the niceness he displayed and then asking me when I would be normal again? Here I was hurt beyond anything I can really describe, and a little niceness does not put a bandaid over the hurt at all, in fact it makes it worse because the language coming from this is that his bad behavior should just simply be forgiven, it was no big deal (on the contrary it was) and because he was nice to me suddenly, that my feelings and needs don't matter, and we moving forward is key for him. Yet resolving the issue at hand is key for the marriage, for your spouse. Not doing that just hurts worse, it creates resentment, it makes the issue bigger because you're just hurting them more over the initial hurt you caused. None of it was ever resolved, the issue is still in the face of marriage, and will not be put in the past simply because time is moving forward and in the literal sense it is the past, but in the normal human world of emotions it is not put in the past and must be worked through.
Do you think maybe your spouse's feelings are wrong? That perhaps their reaction or emotion to the incident is wrong? That what they see is not how it is, so again, they are wrong? Have you ever considered how you might look like in front of your spouse? What does your body language speak? How about the tone in your voice? Or even how you speak to them? Body language, tone of voice, and your words can either help your spouse feel secure in the relationship or you might as well just show them your middle finger. Let me ask you this, how can you place your idea of what emotion they feel is right or wrong? Or what they perceived the incident as? Everyone has different perceptions, it doesn't mean it is wrong. Are we not all human? Do we all not feel? Emotions comes in all shapes and sizes, it isn't wrong for your spouse to have emotion. Emotions are a part of life, a part of marriage.
What matters is how we deal with the emotions that either A. create unity in our marriage or B. a wall is placed between you and your spouse. ---- Telling your spouse that their emotions is wrong is putting a wall between the two of you. Not to mention, telling your spouse that their emotions are wrong, are actually putting yourself in the wrong by saying such a thing. Saying such things makes you superior over them, displays that you really don't care one ditty about their feelings. Putting a wall between the two of you comes from not working through issues, and I would like to highlight that working through issues even if you need to bring them back up from the past, does not make it bad. Keeping them in the past without ever working through them is what is bad. Do you want unity in your marriage? Care about them, care about their feelings, understand their feelings, learn to understand their feelings, help them heal by working through it by what they need from you to work through it; and be receptive in their healing, be the person who is on their knees (figuratively speaking) looking up with sincere apology in your heart and soul and want to work together.
The sad part about this is, all too often the spouse who displays superiority over their spouse tends to go unchecked; in that no matter how many times their spouse tries to find unity within the marriage, tries to help resolve the issue(s), even tries to go to therapy to have the marriage get help, the superior spouse doesn't see the wrong and hurtful things they are doing to pretty much dissolve the marriage itself, and to push away their spouse further. The superior spouse finds blame in every direction you can imagine and that blame is placed solely upon their spouses head. When this goes on and the superior spouse never realizes that this kind of contribution to the marriage actually kills the marriage, it also goes along the lines of emotional abuse. How do I know this? Because I've lived in this kind of abuse before, because a marital therapist thoroughly went over "superior" spouses and how it relates to emotional abuse. There is no sugar-coated truth to this, it is simply abuse, and it is wrong to be treated in such a way.
I have seen where some superior spouses realize the error of their ways and they step down from their pedestal to embrace their spouse in love, in kindness, in caring, in wanting to make the marriage work together. And fantastic when they do, fantastic when they humble themselves enough to realize that both spouses have an important role in the marriage, that they are equals.
Even in regular, run-of-the-mill marriages (without abuse situations) hurt feelings, anger, resentment happens and it can't just be felt and then not dealt with. It cannot just be pushed to the past, it must be worked through. If it isn't worked through between you and your spouse, it continues to fester and smoulder negative feelings which does not foster a nurturing feeling within oneself and your marriage as whole. It will always affect how you deal with issues in the here and now until it is resolved, until it is healed. It will also affect your overall feelings towards your spouse and hinder the ability to fully embrace a loving, caring relationship.
Deal with the issue head on. Bringing up the past is exactly what needs to happen, and sometimes you have to discuss that issue more than once, because the person who has been hurt by it has to heal from it. It doesn't simply just go away. Not dealing with it head on, just sours the marriage even more.
If you're not sure of how to deal with issues, if you're not sure how to work them out, get into therapy and I would highly recommend looking into a therapist that specializes in emotional focused therapy (EFT). There are different approaches to therapy and a lot of good can come out of it if you are not one above the other, only if you are willing to become unified in the marriage.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
"So you can have a disagreement and still love each other and not get divorced?"
I have always felt that talking in private away from children was good for the marriage, showing respect for one another, putting each other first, and not demeaning each others authority or as a person in light of your children or stepchildren. I still feel that way. However, a new light has come into play for me with this.
Think about this... how did you feel growing up and watching your parents solve or maybe not solve arguments, disagreements, opinions? Did they show you that effective communication could come about with solving issues? Or did they fight and you never saw anything positive come from it? Do you feel negative feelings or positive feelings towards how your own parents handled conflicts in their marriage? Does it feel good to have witnessed what you did with your own parents? Are you affected by their interactions for the good or for the bad?
Now think about your own kids, how do you want them to feel towards you regarding how to handle conflict, disagreements, different opinions etc. Would you like them to feel resentment toward you because of negativity that was displayed between you and your spouse? Would you feel sad or hurt that they felt this way towards you? What can you do to show them that two people can have a disagreement and it be okay - would that be like a new trend? Our therapist said something to the lines of children saying, "So you can have a disagreement and still love each other and not get divorced?" What about just showing them how to work through conflict?
So, what if you don't know how to work through conflict? No matter where you are at in your marriage (unless there is abuse going on) therapy can do wonders with teaching you new ways, new insights, and coming together as one. Sometimes a mediator to show you the way is just what you need. I would also highly recommend to get a therapist who focuses on emotional focused therapy, as talked in the "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson book.
You have to remember that we all have room for improvement, no matter how old you are, no matter how many years you've been married. Get the "tools" you need with each other and work towards a better future for your marriage relationship and for your family. What you display or don't display in front of them goes a long way either negatively or positively in their own life. And yes, just because we are subjects from our past, doesn't mean that we can't change the cycle, it doesn't mean that we can't better ourselves so that we can have good marriage. We don't have to be a carbon copy of something maybe we didn't like in our parents marriage. At the same time, perhaps you found some positive and insightful moments in your parents marriage that you can take and enhance your own marriage as well. And kudos to those parents who showed their kids such positivity! Knowing what our spouse went through as a kid, can help us understand what makes certain aspects of communication hard for them now, but that doesn't mean it has it has to be excused... you can relearn or reprogram yourself to handle situations in the best way for you and your spouse, for your marriage, and for your family.
Some situations should obviously be talked privately between you and your spouse and you should know what those are - most of us are pretty intelligent when it comes to such things. But a new light came on for me recently about discussing even opinions in front of our children /stepchildren. Show them the process of effective communication, learning about the need to understand point of views, and working it through. What a great teaching moment that would be for them, for all of their relationships in life, but especially when they get married.
Would it be great if your kids learned effective communication through you and your spouse? Their parents? And/or bio-parent/step-parent? Would you want your kids to learn effective communication through you and take that into their own marriages in the future? So they can resolve conflicts and strengthen their marriage from the get-go? What an amazing difference that would make in their own lives! What a difference it would make in your own life and marriage!
Think about this... how did you feel growing up and watching your parents solve or maybe not solve arguments, disagreements, opinions? Did they show you that effective communication could come about with solving issues? Or did they fight and you never saw anything positive come from it? Do you feel negative feelings or positive feelings towards how your own parents handled conflicts in their marriage? Does it feel good to have witnessed what you did with your own parents? Are you affected by their interactions for the good or for the bad?
Now think about your own kids, how do you want them to feel towards you regarding how to handle conflict, disagreements, different opinions etc. Would you like them to feel resentment toward you because of negativity that was displayed between you and your spouse? Would you feel sad or hurt that they felt this way towards you? What can you do to show them that two people can have a disagreement and it be okay - would that be like a new trend? Our therapist said something to the lines of children saying, "So you can have a disagreement and still love each other and not get divorced?" What about just showing them how to work through conflict?
So, what if you don't know how to work through conflict? No matter where you are at in your marriage (unless there is abuse going on) therapy can do wonders with teaching you new ways, new insights, and coming together as one. Sometimes a mediator to show you the way is just what you need. I would also highly recommend to get a therapist who focuses on emotional focused therapy, as talked in the "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson book.
You have to remember that we all have room for improvement, no matter how old you are, no matter how many years you've been married. Get the "tools" you need with each other and work towards a better future for your marriage relationship and for your family. What you display or don't display in front of them goes a long way either negatively or positively in their own life. And yes, just because we are subjects from our past, doesn't mean that we can't change the cycle, it doesn't mean that we can't better ourselves so that we can have good marriage. We don't have to be a carbon copy of something maybe we didn't like in our parents marriage. At the same time, perhaps you found some positive and insightful moments in your parents marriage that you can take and enhance your own marriage as well. And kudos to those parents who showed their kids such positivity! Knowing what our spouse went through as a kid, can help us understand what makes certain aspects of communication hard for them now, but that doesn't mean it has it has to be excused... you can relearn or reprogram yourself to handle situations in the best way for you and your spouse, for your marriage, and for your family.
Some situations should obviously be talked privately between you and your spouse and you should know what those are - most of us are pretty intelligent when it comes to such things. But a new light came on for me recently about discussing even opinions in front of our children /stepchildren. Show them the process of effective communication, learning about the need to understand point of views, and working it through. What a great teaching moment that would be for them, for all of their relationships in life, but especially when they get married.
Would it be great if your kids learned effective communication through you and your spouse? Their parents? And/or bio-parent/step-parent? Would you want your kids to learn effective communication through you and take that into their own marriages in the future? So they can resolve conflicts and strengthen their marriage from the get-go? What an amazing difference that would make in their own lives! What a difference it would make in your own life and marriage!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Different Opinions
Every post is open for comments, but I would really love to open this one up for discussion. I would love to get your feedback.
What do you do if you and your spouse has a different opinion? How do you handle it?
My charm and I are learning to deal with disagreements, including different opinions. Here is my opinion on this subject:
I find that many times throughout my marriage that if the issue is something that I don't hold with high importance, many times the best thing, in my opinion is to just let it go. It isn't about winning, it isn't about who is right and who is wrong, it is about loving the other person enough to let it go if it is that important to them.
If the disagreement is regarding parenting or regarding your children in general (even stepchildren) - out of respect the discussion should be met in privacy between you and your spouse. Again, in my opinion, this helps the marriage itself stay within oneness, stay as equals, partners, a team. If needs be, you can come back to the situation with the children and share what the ultimate decision is. But ultimately taking sides between your children and your spouse can be really hurtful and demean the individual as well as the marriage itself. Also, it shows children that they have power over their parents which turns into disrespect.
Those are just two of the things that come to mind that I see as being helpful. What are your thoughts, ideas? What helps you in your marriage?
What do you do if you and your spouse has a different opinion? How do you handle it?
My charm and I are learning to deal with disagreements, including different opinions. Here is my opinion on this subject:
I find that many times throughout my marriage that if the issue is something that I don't hold with high importance, many times the best thing, in my opinion is to just let it go. It isn't about winning, it isn't about who is right and who is wrong, it is about loving the other person enough to let it go if it is that important to them.
If the disagreement is regarding parenting or regarding your children in general (even stepchildren) - out of respect the discussion should be met in privacy between you and your spouse. Again, in my opinion, this helps the marriage itself stay within oneness, stay as equals, partners, a team. If needs be, you can come back to the situation with the children and share what the ultimate decision is. But ultimately taking sides between your children and your spouse can be really hurtful and demean the individual as well as the marriage itself. Also, it shows children that they have power over their parents which turns into disrespect.
Those are just two of the things that come to mind that I see as being helpful. What are your thoughts, ideas? What helps you in your marriage?
Monday, August 15, 2011
Wake-up Call for Couples - Meridian Magazine
Meridian Magazine - Wake-up Call for Couples - Meridian Magazine - LDS, Mormon and Latter-day Saint News and Views
by Gary & Joy Lundberg
They have some great points here for couples - whether you are LDS or not. Good read!
Some highlights from this article are:
by Gary & Joy Lundberg
They have some great points here for couples - whether you are LDS or not. Good read!
Some highlights from this article are:
- Remember what brought you together
- Be the same person wherever you are
- Keep sexual intimacy alive and well
- Talk about birth control
- Express your love
- Know what it means to be married
- Find joy in your marriage
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Emotional Abuse
The other day I was looking for something memorable from the past and instead of finding the item I was in search for, I came across two journals. I started reading one of them and it took me back to my 2nd marriage. It was rather hard to read, as it brought back the emotions so intensely...
Here you marry someone that you love. And suddenly dreams shatter within an instance when you are suddenly in some sort of nightmare of your own Dr. Jeckll / Mr. Hyde. At least that is what it felt like at times. I have someone close to me right now that is going through something very similar in her marriage and when I read through my entries, I thought 'wow 'this describes their spouse to the "T".... It is always hard to see someone else regardless if they are someone close or not going through emotional and spiritual abuse. It really takes a toll on your whole being. Thankfully, after what I went through in my past, I wasn't going to tolerate the behavior towards me - though it was extremely hurtful and demeaning; I was a stronger individual and I wanted to do everything I could to get us to a point of working it out together and moving forward. I tried everything in my own power to do that very thing, only you can't make the other person see the issues at hand. Issues that cannot just be let go and move on to better roads. Better roads come to those who work through the issues, who heal from them, who come together and find ways to make it work. Even our therapist tried to get through to him regarding the attitude that he displayed. It was as if he was out to get me and do everything he could to find reason why I was who he envisioned me to be (some crazy woman), when I was far from that. He wanted me to be "normal" when "normal" couldn't happen until we worked through some serious issues, some deep hurt. Niceness for a few hrs or days doesn't erase the betrayal, the lack of trust, the deep hurt - it doesn't mean that "normal" happens until we as a couple work through well, the marriage itself.
Words can destroy a human soul. That is why emotional abuse is so incredibly hard to get away from, it is hard to wrap your mind around moving away from because there isn't really any "physical" evidence of abuse. But emotional abuse is the worse kind, it snares you to the deepest and darkest shadows.
Oh there was much more than the treating like crap, being nice for a little bit to try and get what he wanted, and when my need for working things out came into the light, threats and/or using his thoughts of what was wrong with me as a weapon against me was his way to gain "control" and the cycle just continued. We went to marital therapy, marriage classes, our Bishop....
I won't share the details of what occurred, as I don't want to step on anyone's toes, ex-IL's and family to be specific, as I am still very much a part of their lives and care about them a lot. I just want to be able to hold out to my hand to those that may be struggling with abuse in their marriage. It is absolutely maddening, scary at times, and it hurts. Here the one person that is supposed to love you, doesn't even know the meaning of love, they demean you in ways that
bring you to lows you never thought you could get to.
This is a link I have at the bottom of the blog, but will share it here as well. This is an article that someone gave to me, an article that hit home with what I was experiencing. "The Invisible Heartbreaker". I believe that many couples are going through this very experience, which just is heart wrenching. And while this article is directed towards members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, much of the article I'm sure you can relate to if you are not a member and are going through emotional abuse.
Do what you can to save your marriage, but remember that you can only change yourself, you cannot make your spouse change. Remember that you do not deserve to be abused, even if you don't have physical evidence, you have a soul that is worth more than what your spouse is dishing out to you. Remember that you are a daughter of God, or even a son of God (yes even men can be abused by their wives) and He loves you and you deserve better, you are worthy to be treated with respect, love, and kindness. We all have room for improvement, but you are not the blame of everything that has gone wrong in your marriage or his life.
It seems that most abusers out there, from what I can gather is that they cannot take responsibility for their actions - no matter what it is, they are above the blame and the blame is on the person that is closest to them - you. Sometimes blame trickles out onto other individuals, but you get the brunt of it. Again, we have room for improvement but you cannot be blamed for every single breath you make. You have good heart & a sweet spirit, don't let your spouse destroy it! Get the help you need to get to a better place, to heal, to move forward - even if it without your spouse! Living under a roof of constant blame, belittling, disrespect, rudeness, sweet talk (the temporary bandaid), and I could go on and on is not a life anyone should have to deal with. Get some help! Find support!
Here you marry someone that you love. And suddenly dreams shatter within an instance when you are suddenly in some sort of nightmare of your own Dr. Jeckll / Mr. Hyde. At least that is what it felt like at times. I have someone close to me right now that is going through something very similar in her marriage and when I read through my entries, I thought 'wow 'this describes their spouse to the "T".... It is always hard to see someone else regardless if they are someone close or not going through emotional and spiritual abuse. It really takes a toll on your whole being. Thankfully, after what I went through in my past, I wasn't going to tolerate the behavior towards me - though it was extremely hurtful and demeaning; I was a stronger individual and I wanted to do everything I could to get us to a point of working it out together and moving forward. I tried everything in my own power to do that very thing, only you can't make the other person see the issues at hand. Issues that cannot just be let go and move on to better roads. Better roads come to those who work through the issues, who heal from them, who come together and find ways to make it work. Even our therapist tried to get through to him regarding the attitude that he displayed. It was as if he was out to get me and do everything he could to find reason why I was who he envisioned me to be (some crazy woman), when I was far from that. He wanted me to be "normal" when "normal" couldn't happen until we worked through some serious issues, some deep hurt. Niceness for a few hrs or days doesn't erase the betrayal, the lack of trust, the deep hurt - it doesn't mean that "normal" happens until we as a couple work through well, the marriage itself.
Words can destroy a human soul. That is why emotional abuse is so incredibly hard to get away from, it is hard to wrap your mind around moving away from because there isn't really any "physical" evidence of abuse. But emotional abuse is the worse kind, it snares you to the deepest and darkest shadows.
Oh there was much more than the treating like crap, being nice for a little bit to try and get what he wanted, and when my need for working things out came into the light, threats and/or using his thoughts of what was wrong with me as a weapon against me was his way to gain "control" and the cycle just continued. We went to marital therapy, marriage classes, our Bishop....
I won't share the details of what occurred, as I don't want to step on anyone's toes, ex-IL's and family to be specific, as I am still very much a part of their lives and care about them a lot. I just want to be able to hold out to my hand to those that may be struggling with abuse in their marriage. It is absolutely maddening, scary at times, and it hurts. Here the one person that is supposed to love you, doesn't even know the meaning of love, they demean you in ways that
bring you to lows you never thought you could get to.
This is a link I have at the bottom of the blog, but will share it here as well. This is an article that someone gave to me, an article that hit home with what I was experiencing. "The Invisible Heartbreaker". I believe that many couples are going through this very experience, which just is heart wrenching. And while this article is directed towards members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, much of the article I'm sure you can relate to if you are not a member and are going through emotional abuse.
Do what you can to save your marriage, but remember that you can only change yourself, you cannot make your spouse change. Remember that you do not deserve to be abused, even if you don't have physical evidence, you have a soul that is worth more than what your spouse is dishing out to you. Remember that you are a daughter of God, or even a son of God (yes even men can be abused by their wives) and He loves you and you deserve better, you are worthy to be treated with respect, love, and kindness. We all have room for improvement, but you are not the blame of everything that has gone wrong in your marriage or his life.
It seems that most abusers out there, from what I can gather is that they cannot take responsibility for their actions - no matter what it is, they are above the blame and the blame is on the person that is closest to them - you. Sometimes blame trickles out onto other individuals, but you get the brunt of it. Again, we have room for improvement but you cannot be blamed for every single breath you make. You have good heart & a sweet spirit, don't let your spouse destroy it! Get the help you need to get to a better place, to heal, to move forward - even if it without your spouse! Living under a roof of constant blame, belittling, disrespect, rudeness, sweet talk (the temporary bandaid), and I could go on and on is not a life anyone should have to deal with. Get some help! Find support!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Take the Steps to Get Out! Now!
I'm going to dive into my past here a bit, in hopes to help anyone else that might be in an abusive relationship.
The people who are on the outside of the box looking in always comments on "Why don't you just get out? Why do you let him/her treat you this way?" etc.
Physical and Emotional abuse are very hard to get away from. If there is physical abuse going on, there is most certainly emotional abuse going on. Emotional abuse is our heavy anchor that won't allow us to think that we are worthy to escape, it has brought us down or even lower than we already maybe were to a level of despair, of low self-esteem, self-confidence. You question yourself in every aspect of your life. While deep down you know what this person is doing to you is wrong, getting away from it proves to be life-threatening, so staying is easier though very scary.
The abuser always portrays themselves as being on a pedestal -- higher than you. Anything that goes wrong in their day or their life or your life as a whole is your fault. They do not take responsibility for their actions or their words. They hurt you and turn around and sweet talk you back to thinking maybe there is hope that they will change. Or sweet talk you back to a "safe" zone just to turn around and backhand you with their actions or words. You often hear from victims of abuse that he loves me after she was just bruised - whether that be physical bruises or emotional bruises. Part of the "he loves me" talk is that if you don't say he wants you to say, even though it isn't truth, you know you'll get hurt worse the next time... just as trying to escape, to leave is nearly impossible because you will get hurt worse and perhaps even fear for your life, so holding onto your life though it isn't really yours (in abuse) and is under their control is all you have to hold onto.
When I was in HS and just out of HS I was in a "relationship" that was emotionally and physically abusive. It went on for 3 years; 3 years of hell. I tried numerous times to escape, but the hold was strong and others that should have helped when I reached out and they also knew what was going on only contributed to the issues. And even when those that I loved most did try to help, though they really had no idea what was going on, they only knew that the "relationship" was taking a negative toll on my life - they tried and I am glad they never gave up trying; even when I wanted to reach out and grab onto their rope they were tossing to me, I felt I had no choice but to stomp on it and walk the other direction. It is called being deathly scared. A passerby in a car watching inside of our car signaled to me if I needed help, and I did, I really, really did and I hoped that they would come through for me... but nothing happened. Nothing. I think of that moment off and on, I believe that asking for help from a total stranger was easier because my abuser didn't have any kind of association with them, they weren't above him or below him, they were just there. And when that help didn't follow through, my hope of getting out became slimmer and slimmer. Oh how I wish I would have called the police... numerous times. I wish things would have been different. I wish that perfect strangers that saw what was happening wouldn't turn the other cheek, embarrassed, not really knowing what to do and not understanding why I didn't just run. I wish they would have helped, showed my abuser that what he was doing was dead wrong. I wish I would have never gone through what I did.
I had already been suffering from depression, the last thing I needed was to get into any kind of relationship but especially an abusive one. So because I was already suffering from depression, I was brought down further into the depths of a different kind of hell. In essence, I was trapped under his control.
THERE IS NEVER A REASON, A JUSTIFICATION FOR ABUSE --- EVER!
I won't recount the things I do remember from that abusive relationship. I have forgiven my abuser, and I do believe I have healed from the incidents. I don't think about what happened on a daily basis, but they are incidents that I will never forget. I do hope through the experiences I have had, that somehow I will be able to help someone else.
For every negative expression thrown at you, replace it in your mind and heart with something positive even if you don't believe in it anymore - thanks to your spouse or significant other who smothered it to death. Tell yourself over and over again, "I do not deserve this!" --- "abuse is NOT love".... Positive reinforcement, like daily affirmations will start to arm you with courage. Try and surround yourself with those that lift you up. Find a support group. Make a plan and get out! Do whatever you need to do so your abuser will not hurt you anymore! And get to a therapist to help you heal from the abuse you've dealt with.
This may sound really strange, but the one thing that helped me cut my ties was after I got my first job, I bought myself a car. It was MY car, it was MY responsibility, and it gave me some sense of "power" to take the steps I needed to get away. That car was a symbol of simply my lifesaver in many ways.
And while I healed from the abuse, I ended up in two marriages after that that were negative, which I will at some later point in time get into those as well. During that process however, I learned a lot about myself, about forgiveness. I am grateful to the therapists that gave me those insights into myself and to help me move forward and make healthier decisions.
Below are some resources for abuse.
The people who are on the outside of the box looking in always comments on "Why don't you just get out? Why do you let him/her treat you this way?" etc.
Physical and Emotional abuse are very hard to get away from. If there is physical abuse going on, there is most certainly emotional abuse going on. Emotional abuse is our heavy anchor that won't allow us to think that we are worthy to escape, it has brought us down or even lower than we already maybe were to a level of despair, of low self-esteem, self-confidence. You question yourself in every aspect of your life. While deep down you know what this person is doing to you is wrong, getting away from it proves to be life-threatening, so staying is easier though very scary.
The abuser always portrays themselves as being on a pedestal -- higher than you. Anything that goes wrong in their day or their life or your life as a whole is your fault. They do not take responsibility for their actions or their words. They hurt you and turn around and sweet talk you back to thinking maybe there is hope that they will change. Or sweet talk you back to a "safe" zone just to turn around and backhand you with their actions or words. You often hear from victims of abuse that he loves me after she was just bruised - whether that be physical bruises or emotional bruises. Part of the "he loves me" talk is that if you don't say he wants you to say, even though it isn't truth, you know you'll get hurt worse the next time... just as trying to escape, to leave is nearly impossible because you will get hurt worse and perhaps even fear for your life, so holding onto your life though it isn't really yours (in abuse) and is under their control is all you have to hold onto.
When I was in HS and just out of HS I was in a "relationship" that was emotionally and physically abusive. It went on for 3 years; 3 years of hell. I tried numerous times to escape, but the hold was strong and others that should have helped when I reached out and they also knew what was going on only contributed to the issues. And even when those that I loved most did try to help, though they really had no idea what was going on, they only knew that the "relationship" was taking a negative toll on my life - they tried and I am glad they never gave up trying; even when I wanted to reach out and grab onto their rope they were tossing to me, I felt I had no choice but to stomp on it and walk the other direction. It is called being deathly scared. A passerby in a car watching inside of our car signaled to me if I needed help, and I did, I really, really did and I hoped that they would come through for me... but nothing happened. Nothing. I think of that moment off and on, I believe that asking for help from a total stranger was easier because my abuser didn't have any kind of association with them, they weren't above him or below him, they were just there. And when that help didn't follow through, my hope of getting out became slimmer and slimmer. Oh how I wish I would have called the police... numerous times. I wish things would have been different. I wish that perfect strangers that saw what was happening wouldn't turn the other cheek, embarrassed, not really knowing what to do and not understanding why I didn't just run. I wish they would have helped, showed my abuser that what he was doing was dead wrong. I wish I would have never gone through what I did.
I had already been suffering from depression, the last thing I needed was to get into any kind of relationship but especially an abusive one. So because I was already suffering from depression, I was brought down further into the depths of a different kind of hell. In essence, I was trapped under his control.
THERE IS NEVER A REASON, A JUSTIFICATION FOR ABUSE --- EVER!
I won't recount the things I do remember from that abusive relationship. I have forgiven my abuser, and I do believe I have healed from the incidents. I don't think about what happened on a daily basis, but they are incidents that I will never forget. I do hope through the experiences I have had, that somehow I will be able to help someone else.
For every negative expression thrown at you, replace it in your mind and heart with something positive even if you don't believe in it anymore - thanks to your spouse or significant other who smothered it to death. Tell yourself over and over again, "I do not deserve this!" --- "abuse is NOT love".... Positive reinforcement, like daily affirmations will start to arm you with courage. Try and surround yourself with those that lift you up. Find a support group. Make a plan and get out! Do whatever you need to do so your abuser will not hurt you anymore! And get to a therapist to help you heal from the abuse you've dealt with.
This may sound really strange, but the one thing that helped me cut my ties was after I got my first job, I bought myself a car. It was MY car, it was MY responsibility, and it gave me some sense of "power" to take the steps I needed to get away. That car was a symbol of simply my lifesaver in many ways.
And while I healed from the abuse, I ended up in two marriages after that that were negative, which I will at some later point in time get into those as well. During that process however, I learned a lot about myself, about forgiveness. I am grateful to the therapists that gave me those insights into myself and to help me move forward and make healthier decisions.
Below are some resources for abuse.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Journey through Emotional Focused Therapy
Again, I am revisiting "Resources"
This is the part I am revisiting in that article:
I did use these techniques and knowledge I had learned and I tried to teach my charm about them to help our own marriage. In the beginning (before marriage) we did have some good communication, but like with many marriages the idea of the "prize" being won and the things we did when we were courting just kind of slips out the door; though I do believe that some of our own circumstances had to do with our stepfamily beginnings as well. I thought for a long time we were effectively communicating, but realized as our therapist and in the book "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson puts it, that I was the one to engage and the more I engaged, the more my charm disengaged and for reason, reason that was discovered in therapy. More than that though, not having both of us having the opportunity to gather this knowledge together, truly understanding it to the "T" together was part in problem as far as effectively using these techniques in our own marriage. I will tell you that I personally did not understand for a long time why my charm could not understand that we could actually talk, resolve issues, disagreements, come to compromising solutions etc without the yelling, the fighting, the I'm-going-to-get-the-last-word-in or prove my point crap, the confrontation. But, we are learning why we do what we do, why we approach the way we do and we are learning to do it better and do it together effectively and learning to pull away from the examples of the past or through our past.
In "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson, she talks about what she calls "demon dialogues" - she gives 3 examples of these dialogues. While reading these dialogues, I realized that we were in two of them. I have also realized that while I can see that the fighting both directions in relationships does no good neither does engaging and disengaging nor does both keeping silent. The scary thing about the 3rd dialogue is that if a relationship gets to the silent part, both partners in essence have pretty much given up and this is generally where a therapist or divorce comes. Divorce has never been an option for me, I'm always willing to work through the issues (unless of course they are abusive situations, then the best thing for everyone is to get out), even if they are serious issues and I will do whatever I can to make it work because it is important to me, it is important for our kids.
Right now in our new adventures, we are learning to really dive into our love languages. And because we now have understood our demon dialogue, we can start to move forward and stop the cycle and become more emotionally secure.
This is the part I am revisiting in that article:
"I use the knowledge I learned from these marriage enriching courses in the marriage that I am in now. We work together as a couple, as a team, what a difference that makes in everything you do."
I did use these techniques and knowledge I had learned and I tried to teach my charm about them to help our own marriage. In the beginning (before marriage) we did have some good communication, but like with many marriages the idea of the "prize" being won and the things we did when we were courting just kind of slips out the door; though I do believe that some of our own circumstances had to do with our stepfamily beginnings as well. I thought for a long time we were effectively communicating, but realized as our therapist and in the book "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson puts it, that I was the one to engage and the more I engaged, the more my charm disengaged and for reason, reason that was discovered in therapy. More than that though, not having both of us having the opportunity to gather this knowledge together, truly understanding it to the "T" together was part in problem as far as effectively using these techniques in our own marriage. I will tell you that I personally did not understand for a long time why my charm could not understand that we could actually talk, resolve issues, disagreements, come to compromising solutions etc without the yelling, the fighting, the I'm-going-to-get-the-last-word-in or prove my point crap, the confrontation. But, we are learning why we do what we do, why we approach the way we do and we are learning to do it better and do it together effectively and learning to pull away from the examples of the past or through our past.
In "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson, she talks about what she calls "demon dialogues" - she gives 3 examples of these dialogues. While reading these dialogues, I realized that we were in two of them. I have also realized that while I can see that the fighting both directions in relationships does no good neither does engaging and disengaging nor does both keeping silent. The scary thing about the 3rd dialogue is that if a relationship gets to the silent part, both partners in essence have pretty much given up and this is generally where a therapist or divorce comes. Divorce has never been an option for me, I'm always willing to work through the issues (unless of course they are abusive situations, then the best thing for everyone is to get out), even if they are serious issues and I will do whatever I can to make it work because it is important to me, it is important for our kids.
Right now in our new adventures, we are learning to really dive into our love languages. And because we now have understood our demon dialogue, we can start to move forward and stop the cycle and become more emotionally secure.
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