"So you can have a disagreement and still love each other and not get divorced?"

I have always felt that talking in private away from children was good for the marriage, showing respect for one another, putting each other first, and not demeaning each others authority or as a person in light of your children or stepchildren. I still feel that way. However, a new light has come into play for me with this.

Think about this... how did you feel growing up and watching your parents solve or maybe not solve arguments, disagreements, opinions? Did they show you that effective communication could come about with solving issues? Or did they fight and you never saw anything positive come from it? Do you feel negative feelings or positive feelings towards how your own parents handled conflicts in their marriage? Does it feel good to have witnessed what you did with your own parents? Are you affected by their interactions for the good or for the bad?

Now think about your own kids, how do you want them to feel towards you regarding how to handle conflict, disagreements, different opinions etc. Would you like them to feel resentment toward you because of negativity that was displayed between you and your spouse? Would you feel sad or hurt that they felt this way towards you? What can you do to show them that two people can have a disagreement and it be okay - would that be like a new trend? Our therapist said something to the lines of children saying, "So you can have a disagreement and still love each other and not get divorced?" What about just showing them how to work through conflict?

So, what if you don't know how to work through conflict? No matter where you are at in your marriage (unless there is abuse going on) therapy can do wonders with teaching you new ways, new insights, and coming together as one. Sometimes a mediator to show you the way is just what you need. I would also highly recommend to get a therapist who focuses on emotional focused therapy, as talked in the "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson book.

You have to remember that we all have room for improvement, no matter how old you are, no matter how many years you've been married. Get the "tools" you need with each other and work towards a better future for your marriage relationship and for your family. What you display or don't display in front of them goes a long way either negatively or positively in their own life. And yes, just because we are subjects from our past, doesn't mean that we can't change the cycle, it doesn't mean that we can't better ourselves so that we can have good marriage. We don't have to be a carbon copy of something maybe we didn't like in our parents marriage. At the same time, perhaps you found some positive and insightful moments in your parents marriage that you can take and enhance your own marriage as well. And kudos to those parents who showed their kids such positivity! Knowing what our spouse went through as a kid, can help us understand what makes certain aspects of communication hard for them now, but that doesn't mean it has it has to be excused... you can relearn or reprogram yourself to handle situations in the best way for you and your spouse, for your marriage, and for your family.

Some situations should obviously be talked privately between you and your spouse and you should know what those are - most of us are pretty intelligent when it comes to such things. But a new light came on for me recently about discussing even opinions in front of our children /stepchildren. Show them the process of effective communication, learning about the need to understand point of views, and working it through. What a great teaching moment that would be for them, for all of their relationships in life, but especially when they get married.

Would it be great if your kids learned effective communication through you and your spouse? Their parents? And/or bio-parent/step-parent? Would you want your kids to learn effective communication through you and take that into their own marriages in the future? So they can resolve conflicts and strengthen their marriage from the get-go? What an amazing difference that would make in their own lives! What a difference it would make in your own life and marriage!