Here you marry someone that you love. And suddenly dreams shatter within an instance when you are suddenly in some sort of nightmare of your own Dr. Jeckll / Mr. Hyde. At least that is what it felt like at times. I have someone close to me right now that is going through something very similar in her marriage and when I read through my entries, I thought 'wow 'this describes their spouse to the "T".... It is always hard to see someone else regardless if they are someone close or not going through emotional and spiritual abuse. It really takes a toll on your whole being. Thankfully, after what I went through in my past, I wasn't going to tolerate the behavior towards me - though it was extremely hurtful and demeaning; I was a stronger individual and I wanted to do everything I could to get us to a point of working it out together and moving forward. I tried everything in my own power to do that very thing, only you can't make the other person see the issues at hand. Issues that cannot just be let go and move on to better roads. Better roads come to those who work through the issues, who heal from them, who come together and find ways to make it work. Even our therapist tried to get through to him regarding the attitude that he displayed. It was as if he was out to get me and do everything he could to find reason why I was who he envisioned me to be (some crazy woman), when I was far from that. He wanted me to be "normal" when "normal" couldn't happen until we worked through some serious issues, some deep hurt. Niceness for a few hrs or days doesn't erase the betrayal, the lack of trust, the deep hurt - it doesn't mean that "normal" happens until we as a couple work through well, the marriage itself.
Words can destroy a human soul. That is why emotional abuse is so incredibly hard to get away from, it is hard to wrap your mind around moving away from because there isn't really any "physical" evidence of abuse. But emotional abuse is the worse kind, it snares you to the deepest and darkest shadows.
Oh there was much more than the treating like crap, being nice for a little bit to try and get what he wanted, and when my need for working things out came into the light, threats and/or using his thoughts of what was wrong with me as a weapon against me was his way to gain "control" and the cycle just continued. We went to marital therapy, marriage classes, our Bishop....
I won't share the details of what occurred, as I don't want to step on anyone's toes, ex-IL's and family to be specific, as I am still very much a part of their lives and care about them a lot. I just want to be able to hold out to my hand to those that may be struggling with abuse in their marriage. It is absolutely maddening, scary at times, and it hurts. Here the one person that is supposed to love you, doesn't even know the meaning of love, they demean you in ways that
bring you to lows you never thought you could get to.
This is a link I have at the bottom of the blog, but will share it here as well. This is an article that someone gave to me, an article that hit home with what I was experiencing. "The Invisible Heartbreaker". I believe that many couples are going through this very experience, which just is heart wrenching. And while this article is directed towards members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, much of the article I'm sure you can relate to if you are not a member and are going through emotional abuse.
Do what you can to save your marriage, but remember that you can only change yourself, you cannot make your spouse change. Remember that you do not deserve to be abused, even if you don't have physical evidence, you have a soul that is worth more than what your spouse is dishing out to you. Remember that you are a daughter of God, or even a son of God (yes even men can be abused by their wives) and He loves you and you deserve better, you are worthy to be treated with respect, love, and kindness. We all have room for improvement, but you are not the blame of everything that has gone wrong in your marriage or his life.
It seems that most abusers out there, from what I can gather is that they cannot take responsibility for their actions - no matter what it is, they are above the blame and the blame is on the person that is closest to them - you. Sometimes blame trickles out onto other individuals, but you get the brunt of it. Again, we have room for improvement but you cannot be blamed for every single breath you make. You have good heart & a sweet spirit, don't let your spouse destroy it! Get the help you need to get to a better place, to heal, to move forward - even if it without your spouse! Living under a roof of constant blame, belittling, disrespect, rudeness, sweet talk (the temporary bandaid), and I could go on and on is not a life anyone should have to deal with. Get some help! Find support!
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