Choosing to Work & Not Divorce

While no child ever enjoyed hearing their parents yell at each other, children are resilient in getting through those tough times. They are also very teachable through example.

What was your example of conflict growing up? Were there some negative aspects and or positive aspects? What are you doing in your own marriage that you disliked from your parents? I would imagine if it was negative to you, you probably don't enjoy doing it in your own marriage. So, how do you get away from that? It takes learning a new way, getting the right tools in doing just that together, and being patient with one another because it doesn't happen over night. It takes patience, forgiveness, and do overs to make it right. What do you want to be the example you set for your children for their future? How do you want them to go about their own marriage, in communication?

All too often I hear that the "out" of never effectively communicating with one another is divorce. Have you thought about that if you do divorce that those problems will still be there, because you haven't actually resolved them. But, not only have you now not resolved those, but you've now thrown in a whole different dynamic of issues from divorce. You can tell me that you're not one of those people, but there are very few and far between divorces that stay on the same page. And regardless of what you think, you've really stirred up some issues for the rest of your life and your kids'. Perhaps you've gotten away from the constant yelling, but what did that just teach them? And where did dad or mom go? Why aren't both of you there to be with them in all that they go through? Disagreements between your now ex will still be there, only you just intensified it with common divorce issues. Whether they hear it directly or not, they will be affected for the rest of their lives to one degree or another, and in my personal experiences of watching divorced kids (my friend's stepkids, to my own), the intensity is pretty crazy at times. The problems don't go away suddenly because you've divorced. The problems go away when you work through them together without divorcing.

Do you feel like maybe you're sick of trying? Gone to a therapist or two and haven't resolved anything? Have you used any of the tools they've given you to move forward and for a good amount of time? If it still isn't working, have you tried other techniques that are taught through therapists? I assure you that just because you've gone to one or more therapists and haven't found your niche in tools to use in your marriage, doesn't mean that it is time to give up. Sure, it is hard to keep going when you feel burned out. But, at the very least do it for your kids because they deserve both of their parents under the same roof. At some point in time, your motive of staying together will change - and you'll want to be together, not just for the kids.
 
Do you feel like you're just done feeling like you're doing your part, but feeling like your spouse isn't? Is putting the blame on your spouse going to get you in a positive cycle or negative one? "It's her." -- "It's him."
Are you BOTH arguing? Are you arguing your point, to get it across, to show your spouse that you're right and they are wrong? Is that effective? And is this about being right? Or is this about understanding each other, learning to perhaps is the better phrase. Or is it about caring about how your spouse is feeling and why and how you can better yourself to be a better spouse to them. Don't tell me that it is his or her fault when you are BOTH yelling at each other. Be the bigger person and tell your spouse, "I am happy to talk about this issue, but until you can respect me to do just that, I will not engage in yelling." I know, easier said than done because your boiling within and you WANT things to be better, you WANT them to UNDERSTAND you. This really isn't about being right, it is about being understood. You want the one person who should love you whole-hardheartedly to simply understand.

Blaming or pointing the finger didn't ever help. Sure, someone else could be more at fault, but you're both in a marriage, you're not married to yourself, work through it together -help each other, learn about the other person and why and dig down deeply with compassion and the love will follow again.

I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, every 6 months in April and October we have LDS General Conference. One of the General Conferences, in 2007, I remember Elder James E. Faust talking about "Enriching Your Marriage", and touched on the subject of divorce. He was practicing law many years ago... shared an experience of a woman who wanted a divorce. You can read that full article here: "Enriching Your Marriage". But some things I will never forget from that talk:

"There are no simple, easy answers to the challenging and complex questions of happiness in marriage. Among the many supposed reasons for divorce are the serious problems of selfishness, immaturity, lack of commitment, inadequate communication, and unfaithfulness.  

In my experience there is another reason for failure of marriage that seems not so obvious but that precedes and laces through all of the others. It is the lack of a constant enrichment in marriage, an absence of that something extra which makes it precious, special, and wonderful, and without which it becomes drudgery or difficult or even dull."

The one part of this that stuck out in my mind the most for whatever reason at the time was that "divorce... [is] selfish[ness]". When you really look at it that way - regardless of the situation, though again divorce is okay in some circumstances - life threatening, abusive... well, divorce is indeed selfish. Your end goal for divorce is to remove yourself from constant conflict without actually working through it together. Affecting both of you - if you don't have kids, along with both sides of your family, mutual friends. And if you do have kids, you're affecting them in ways you never thought you'd ever encounter or that existed.  Divorce with kids is a whole different dynamic than if you would have just stayed married.

The best thing you can do is learn to effectively communicate, learn to get along, and do the things you enjoyed together when you first started dating. Just because you "won" your bride or groom, doesn't mean that what you did to impress your spouse is over. We should be at our best with one another, we should be able to relax with them, but be at your best. Impress them. It doesn't take much to get that spark going again, it is there. If you have the fight in you to yell at each other, there is still a burning desire to make things right. Stop yelling and put your energies to where the cycle can start being positive! And be the example to your kids that you want to set for their own marriage. When the tough and rough get going in communicating, work through it!  Isn't that worth it to you to have happiness in your marriage, to put that cherry on top of everything else? Isn't that worth it for your kids?

Behavior

"An apology is not just an expression of remorse. It is also an acceptance of responsibility. How would it be possible for someone to accept responsibility for what somebody else did? Wouldn’t it be a little irrational on our part to blame one person for another's behavior? Of course it would. Then it follows that it would also be irrational to forgive one who did wrong based on the apology of a third party. The only person who could justifiably apologize for another person would be the parent of a naughty child, who actually IS responsible for her child’s behavior." -- The Agape Connection

Move Forward Together

When does divorce come to mind?
When it feels like it is the only hope, the only way out of something that cycles negatively continually, the feeling like it is the only happiness left to grasp onto because you feel it is the only light left. The advesary would have us believe by pulling the wool over our eyes and giving us the feelings that the grass is greener somewhere else, when your grass is just fine, it just needs some sunlight and nurturing...

Our perspectives to what is or not going on is never wrong, because that is how he or she feels and we've already established that each person owns their own feelings. But, what created those feelings in you? What created your spouse to respond the way he/she did?  Do they even understand why? Have you delved into this and dissected it to understand why you respond the way you do, why you try and resolve the way you do? Care about it, yourself and your spouse enough to seek those answers. Once you understand why you do, talk about how it is or isn't working and why. Care about it. Is your way working? Do you feel like your way is the only way? Are you feeling like you're in the right and your spouse is in the wrong? Is that really effective? Is that even loving? Strip the pride down 100 notches and worth together, because this is about both of you, what works for both of you.We've talked about effective communication before. This isn't about who is right and wrong. This is about doing our 110% to making our spouse happy. Forget yourself, because if your spouse is addressing this very thing, you both are.

Happiness comes from within, the whipping and cherry on top is what your spouse can do for you, the extra. If you're not happy, choose to be happy, make the steps necessary to be happy - but in the process continue or start again to be that whipping cream and cherry on top for your spouse.

If your spouse isn't' doing what you need or the marriage needs to flourish, it makes it a very hard place to live in together, more hurt arises, and if the hurt isn't resolved, it compounds into a bigger issue of hurt, bitterness and grudges. If your spouse feels like they are doing everything they can, but you feel they aren't - talk about it (don't argue it, don't yell about it -that gets you no where but slamming doors, hurt feelings, and turning in circles that aren't helping the issue.)  And just because you feel that they aren't doing their part, but they feel they are doesn't mean that either of you are on track. Sometimes it is as simple as a misunderstanding that gets out of control, or being human and slipping a little - but needing a reminder to get back on track (that isn't anything to get huffy and puffy over - be happy for the reminder), sometimes it is because you aren't meeting each others love language - though you may think you are, but you're not. The list goes on. Whatever it may be, talk about it, care about it - care about your spouse, and find out why your spouse feels that way and be apologetic, and change what needs to be changed in order for the cycle to be positive. Repeat if necessary for clarification and understanding.

I think too often spouses forget that each of us are not perfect spouses and that we all deserve to be forgiven and move forward in love, faith and understanding.

And if later down the road you fall into a slump, have a mutual "sign" so the chaos doesn't have to start again - but just a "hey, I feel like things are a bit off, let's talk about it or start over with our tools we've gained...." and if that doesn't work then jump back on the bandwagon with some help, a therapist if needed. It is okay to do this, it isn't the end of the world/marriage, it just shows maturity and a need to get back on track again.  No one is perfect, marriage is not perfect. A weekly "how are you doing/feeling/how is your love tank/" should be addressed so as to avoid any of those hurt feelings that are not being addressed and to avoid the grudge cycle. Never did a grudge do a body, spirit, marriage, family any good.

And just because you don't think that your spouses feelings are of any great concern, think again. Because just because you may feel it isn't or shouldn't be a big deal - if it is to them, then it is. Work through it, care about it, don't put them down for it, don't feel like you just stomped over them. Care about their feelings.

Sometimes the whole he said/she said --- he did this/she did this comes into play - and you stick to it with every ounce of your being. But why? Did you really think about the underlying issues within themselves, within you? Within in your marriage? Have you ever watched "Fireproof" the movie? Or talked to a therapist, read a book and have a heavy heart and felt your experience is exactly the same, almost pointing the finger in your spouses direction? Stop right there... What is YOUR part? While some issues in marriage can be heavier felt from one spouse, it still takes two to make it work, you still both need to learn to talk effectively, you still both need to learn to listen, to care, to learn to stop needing to be right, to breathe deeply, and just care.

Marriage is a continual work in progress that never stops; but can only get better if you both choose to. Just as individual growth is important, as long as it affects your marriage and family for good, martial growth is important for both you and your family.

So stop in your tracks. Is what you are doing right now working? If not, address things differently, not individually, but together. And if you don't know how, get help. And if you've had help before, but you're not clicking with that therapist, find another one until you do. Find someone else with a different technique - I highly recommend the EFT (Emotional Focused Therapy). There is something out there that will help, in the meantime try the new things that have been taught. If they aren't jiving, don't give up, don't throw in the towel... Yes it may be discouraging, but keep working and willing to both look at yourself in what changes need to be made, what apologies need to be met, no matter if the issues are his or hers, or both, it still comes down to what works and doing what works together. And doing it again and again, making the cracks in your foundation fill with love, not hurt, not bitterness; and move forward in faith, fairness, caring, love and understanding. Again, remember that at times you may need to go back to a therapist, the drawing board, for a refresher to get back on track. It doesn't mean that you failed, it doesn't mean that your marriage is over. It means you are both human, not perfect and that is okay.

Move forward together.

Love is...

“But love, I’ve come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.” ― Nicholas Sparks (THE WEDDING)

Balance

I guess another apology is in order with my MIA - I mean I haven't been here since August! Crazy how time flies and how busy life gets.

We've had to figure out how to balance our marriage, family, school, doTERRA, life in general - and sometimes we've got it, and sometimes we have to tweak it every now and then. I think that is pretty common throughout life. I don't think there is one time where you always have things balanced 100% of the time. I believe recognizing that this is normal and learning to tweak it together is a necessary must. Anyway, it has been a ride of ups and downs and balance back and forth.

I have absolutely loved school. I am now in my 3rd term, and again go until October. I am so excited for that day! But at the same time, it is kind of bitter/sweet - having spent so much time with my classmates, they are my second family and separating that out a bit is a little sad. Sure we'll keep in touch though through the years, I hope! But, getting going with my private practice will be a dream come true. I really enjoy helping others help their body do what nature intended for it to do - heal.

I have also loved sharing doTERRA, sharing through information on my sites, as well as through classes, 1:1's etc. Sharing my passion to help others have better quality in their lives and create a healer in every home. I have a website for that now : Heartpoint Healing. I also have a page on FB.

And we all adjust to what needs be. Making sure that the kids are getting the proper balance in such a busy world we already live in, including extra activities that are thrown into the mix. Focus on the marriage. Focus on Heavenly Father and the relationship I strive for to have with Him. Focus on getting my schoolwork done, and getting to school every night. Focus on our work, his work and my "work" if you want to call it that - doTERRA isn't work to me. It has been a blessing in our lives, health  & wellness and financially. We adjust.