Friday, March 30, 2012
Choose To Be Happy
I'm sure you've heard that attitude is everything, that when we change our attitude our perspective in our trials change for the better or worse if you have a bad attitude. And this does apply to marriage to. I know for myself, when I change my attitude in situations, feelings, the marriage itself does get better. But, I think that this is a worthy subject to go into.
There is a difference between choosing to be happy - which YES can happen, changing a point-of-view, changing perspective, changing attitude - whatever you do in that regard WILL change things for the better if you allow it. It is really an amazing part of life when you do put that into affect, it can help marriages, it can help lessen stress, and overall allows you to be at your own best - and then so you can be at your best for others.
BUT, if there are some issues within relationships that have not been resolved, choosing to be happy doesn't automatically erase everything, it doesn't mean that everything suddenly goes away, and that life goes on and you start at a clean slate. Problems will arise and you have to as a couple work through them together - of course you have to learn what works best for you on how to work together, if one way works for you but not the other person, you find another way and then practice, practice, practice! And of course, again, if there are issues in the past that are hurting your spouse still and you have not resolved them, choosing to brush it aside isn't going to help your marriage, it would be stupid to brush it aside for one, it would wound your marriage in the here and now and cripple your marriage in the long-run because it was never dealt with properly. It is unhealthy to not learn to work through problems, because problems do and will arise.
Choosing to respect your spouse of their feelings, choosing to understand, choosing to work through it together, is in essence choosing to be happy within your marriage.
There is a difference between choosing to be happy - which YES can happen, changing a point-of-view, changing perspective, changing attitude - whatever you do in that regard WILL change things for the better if you allow it. It is really an amazing part of life when you do put that into affect, it can help marriages, it can help lessen stress, and overall allows you to be at your own best - and then so you can be at your best for others.
BUT, if there are some issues within relationships that have not been resolved, choosing to be happy doesn't automatically erase everything, it doesn't mean that everything suddenly goes away, and that life goes on and you start at a clean slate. Problems will arise and you have to as a couple work through them together - of course you have to learn what works best for you on how to work together, if one way works for you but not the other person, you find another way and then practice, practice, practice! And of course, again, if there are issues in the past that are hurting your spouse still and you have not resolved them, choosing to brush it aside isn't going to help your marriage, it would be stupid to brush it aside for one, it would wound your marriage in the here and now and cripple your marriage in the long-run because it was never dealt with properly. It is unhealthy to not learn to work through problems, because problems do and will arise.
Choosing to respect your spouse of their feelings, choosing to understand, choosing to work through it together, is in essence choosing to be happy within your marriage.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Waiting for Your Spouse to Make the 1st Move
Are you finished with marital therapy?
How many days out are you and your spouse or yourself is not doing anything that you learned? Do you feel like your high when you left the last appointment at the marital office has been deflated?
Are you waiting for your spouse to make the first move?
Why?
I think this is something that happens quite frequently in marriages after marital therapy. I know I have been in this boat before. But here is the thing, sometimes it may feel scary to jump right in and do the tools you learned in your marital therapy without a 3rd party present. But you must trust in your spouse that what you learned, that good feeling you left with will return over and over again. And the only way have that actually happen is by putting those tools into practice and more practice mode.
Staying silent is just going to lead you both back into a downward spiral and if you haven't put in place your "safety net" (where both of you or one of you even can put up your flag and safely say that things aren't going where they should be, and at that point in time you do a re-evaluation with trying the tools again, and if the tools aren't working like they should be, then you go back to marital therapy for a refresher.) It doesn't mean you have failed, it simply means that you're stuck and you need further assistance. Don't ignore the further assistance and don't brush it off with "we've already been, so what is the point in going again when we've already learned what we need to do." Stuck happens to all of us, make the right choice to make the marriage move forward again. Every marriage, no matter where you are at in your marriage has the wonderful opportunities to become more enhanced - stuck or not.
And what if you start trying, you take that step, but your communication is the same ole', same ole' scenario? Should you quit right then and there? Does it mean that there marital therapy was a waste of time? Does it mean that there is no point in trying anymore? Does it mean that your spouse isn't taking things seriously? Does it mean that your spouse doesn't care about you or your marriage?
NO! The tools you learn in marital therapy don't just suddenly happen overnight, they are not yet a strong foundation in your marriage. You need to be patient with one another, think about what your therapist said to you, and take steps in moving forward. Start your conversation over if you need to. The more you practice the tools, the more the same ole', same ole' scenario that made your marriage go on a downward spiral will be something of the past. The more you use the tools, the more it'll be ingrained in you and eventually you won't have to think about it, it'll just come naturally.
But, something a therapist said once, was something I mentioned above. Make sure you have in place a "safety net" - whether one or both of you are feeling like the tools that you have been using are stuck, if things are stuck you simply need to know that you get back into marital therapy for a refresher. Again, it does not mean you that you have failed in your marriage - all marriages need some enhancement no matter where you are at with your marriage. You need to remember too if one of you only feels stuck and the other doesn't, doesn't mean that your spouse is wrong. This is what she or he is feeling, and that is another reason that safety net is in place - to help you to feel safe with one another when things feel "off" and continue to move forward.
Remembering the why's of how our spouse reacts to certain situations will also give us more patience and understanding in learning a new song and dance, a positive one. It helps us also to remember our part in all this and what we need to be doing. It isn't all about her. It isn't all about him. It is about the both of you, coming together, making a choice to love unconditionally towards one another.
How many days out are you and your spouse or yourself is not doing anything that you learned? Do you feel like your high when you left the last appointment at the marital office has been deflated?
Are you waiting for your spouse to make the first move?
Why?
I think this is something that happens quite frequently in marriages after marital therapy. I know I have been in this boat before. But here is the thing, sometimes it may feel scary to jump right in and do the tools you learned in your marital therapy without a 3rd party present. But you must trust in your spouse that what you learned, that good feeling you left with will return over and over again. And the only way have that actually happen is by putting those tools into practice and more practice mode.
Staying silent is just going to lead you both back into a downward spiral and if you haven't put in place your "safety net" (where both of you or one of you even can put up your flag and safely say that things aren't going where they should be, and at that point in time you do a re-evaluation with trying the tools again, and if the tools aren't working like they should be, then you go back to marital therapy for a refresher.) It doesn't mean you have failed, it simply means that you're stuck and you need further assistance. Don't ignore the further assistance and don't brush it off with "we've already been, so what is the point in going again when we've already learned what we need to do." Stuck happens to all of us, make the right choice to make the marriage move forward again. Every marriage, no matter where you are at in your marriage has the wonderful opportunities to become more enhanced - stuck or not.
And what if you start trying, you take that step, but your communication is the same ole', same ole' scenario? Should you quit right then and there? Does it mean that there marital therapy was a waste of time? Does it mean that there is no point in trying anymore? Does it mean that your spouse isn't taking things seriously? Does it mean that your spouse doesn't care about you or your marriage?
NO! The tools you learn in marital therapy don't just suddenly happen overnight, they are not yet a strong foundation in your marriage. You need to be patient with one another, think about what your therapist said to you, and take steps in moving forward. Start your conversation over if you need to. The more you practice the tools, the more the same ole', same ole' scenario that made your marriage go on a downward spiral will be something of the past. The more you use the tools, the more it'll be ingrained in you and eventually you won't have to think about it, it'll just come naturally.
But, something a therapist said once, was something I mentioned above. Make sure you have in place a "safety net" - whether one or both of you are feeling like the tools that you have been using are stuck, if things are stuck you simply need to know that you get back into marital therapy for a refresher. Again, it does not mean you that you have failed in your marriage - all marriages need some enhancement no matter where you are at with your marriage. You need to remember too if one of you only feels stuck and the other doesn't, doesn't mean that your spouse is wrong. This is what she or he is feeling, and that is another reason that safety net is in place - to help you to feel safe with one another when things feel "off" and continue to move forward.
Remembering the why's of how our spouse reacts to certain situations will also give us more patience and understanding in learning a new song and dance, a positive one. It helps us also to remember our part in all this and what we need to be doing. It isn't all about her. It isn't all about him. It is about the both of you, coming together, making a choice to love unconditionally towards one another.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Make a Better Choice
I came across a link to a blog post on my Facebook news feed. It has been a topic that has been on my mind, mainly due to someone close to me that is struggling with their own marriage for several different reasons. But, overall I believe this [being right for both spouses] is a core of why many marriages struggle. I highly recommend for you to read this ::
Marriage Is For Losers
My own thoughts about this subject is how many spouses are arguing their point only, they both want to be right - instead of caring about the other person's feelings. I find that sometimes spouses feel that nothing that comes out of their spouses mouth is right, that their point of view is not right, that their feelings are not right or construed to something that shouldn't be. But who are you to tell your spouse how they should or shouldn't feel? Who are you to tell them that their point of view is wrong? Everyone perceives things differently at times, and that doesn't make it wrong. Something a therapist told me once is something that has always stuck in my mind regarding this subject. He said, "if you have 5 people on a corner and there was a head-on collision in the intersection, how many stories would you hear of how it happened? --- Five, because they all felt and saw things differently. It doesn't mean it is wrong, their point of view is right for them." The thing that we have to come to understand is the feelings of the individual, and in talking about marriages, you have to come to understand your spouses feelings as their feelings, that they have a right to them, and that your responsibility is to not tell them they are wrong, but to learn to understand and truly make the choice to care about how they are feeling, be there for them, and work through it. Many spouses are thinking about their comeback to what their spouse just said that boiled their insides - instead of thinking about and trying to understand their feelings and point of view.
Between the therapists I've been to before my divorces to a therapist my now husband and I have been to recently to enhance our marriage, I have let the words and tools given flow throughout my mind, heart, and soul and have let it sink in like a sponge. I'm not sure how to even describe it, but they are tools that I hang onto, tools that I know and can see in other marriages work well. I see it in my own, how much we've grown and been strengthened by some decisions we made to make life overall better. I have always been good at reading people, perhaps a gift that I have been given, but it is something that I can pull from all the tools I have learned and apply them to not only my own life, but to others.
I believe that in choosing to change ones attitude towards your spouse, towards your marriage can go along way and can save a marriage. I believe that choosing to care about your spouse, choosing to love him or her can save your marriage. I believe that letting go of "facts" and looking at and working towards healing hurt and open wounds from the past (if it is still hindering your marriage now) can save your marriage.
What is hurting you the most? What is hurting the center of your marriage, what is crumbling the very foundation of your marriage? When you make the decision to stop belittling, to stop being right, to stop pointing the finger, to stop silencing your spouse, to stop having the next comeback, amongst so many other things; and to start to love, to care you will be able to piece back the foundation of your marriage, you will be able to grow in love and strength. But until then, if you keep on the road you've been walking, you will not get ahead - your dignity will be lost within the walls of something other than what God intended marriage to be. The first step is to make the better choice.
Marriage Is For Losers
My own thoughts about this subject is how many spouses are arguing their point only, they both want to be right - instead of caring about the other person's feelings. I find that sometimes spouses feel that nothing that comes out of their spouses mouth is right, that their point of view is not right, that their feelings are not right or construed to something that shouldn't be. But who are you to tell your spouse how they should or shouldn't feel? Who are you to tell them that their point of view is wrong? Everyone perceives things differently at times, and that doesn't make it wrong. Something a therapist told me once is something that has always stuck in my mind regarding this subject. He said, "if you have 5 people on a corner and there was a head-on collision in the intersection, how many stories would you hear of how it happened? --- Five, because they all felt and saw things differently. It doesn't mean it is wrong, their point of view is right for them." The thing that we have to come to understand is the feelings of the individual, and in talking about marriages, you have to come to understand your spouses feelings as their feelings, that they have a right to them, and that your responsibility is to not tell them they are wrong, but to learn to understand and truly make the choice to care about how they are feeling, be there for them, and work through it. Many spouses are thinking about their comeback to what their spouse just said that boiled their insides - instead of thinking about and trying to understand their feelings and point of view.
Between the therapists I've been to before my divorces to a therapist my now husband and I have been to recently to enhance our marriage, I have let the words and tools given flow throughout my mind, heart, and soul and have let it sink in like a sponge. I'm not sure how to even describe it, but they are tools that I hang onto, tools that I know and can see in other marriages work well. I see it in my own, how much we've grown and been strengthened by some decisions we made to make life overall better. I have always been good at reading people, perhaps a gift that I have been given, but it is something that I can pull from all the tools I have learned and apply them to not only my own life, but to others.
I believe that in choosing to change ones attitude towards your spouse, towards your marriage can go along way and can save a marriage. I believe that choosing to care about your spouse, choosing to love him or her can save your marriage. I believe that letting go of "facts" and looking at and working towards healing hurt and open wounds from the past (if it is still hindering your marriage now) can save your marriage.
What is hurting you the most? What is hurting the center of your marriage, what is crumbling the very foundation of your marriage? When you make the decision to stop belittling, to stop being right, to stop pointing the finger, to stop silencing your spouse, to stop having the next comeback, amongst so many other things; and to start to love, to care you will be able to piece back the foundation of your marriage, you will be able to grow in love and strength. But until then, if you keep on the road you've been walking, you will not get ahead - your dignity will be lost within the walls of something other than what God intended marriage to be. The first step is to make the better choice.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Forgive Your Parents & Make A Change
Are you in one of those boats where you're realizing in your adulthood and marriage that you are doing things that you saw your parents do in their marriage, things that you didn't necessarily like or that gave you bad feelings growing up? Are you making excuses as to why you act the way you do with your spouse because of the example that was set for you? Are you making excuses for your spouse as to why they are the way they are? Are you angry with your parents for not being more of what you needed to go into your marital relationship with more positive attributes?
Look, we all have something we take that is either positive or negative from our childhood into our adulthood. Why? Because no parent has a solid-proof how-to book that comes out with you from the womb. Whether you, yourself is a parent right now you will either know or come to know that you do the very best you can at the time of each situation. We are who we are because of the trials we've come through throughout our life, not just something negative that we may have pulled out from our upbringing that you may not like to see in yourself.
You don't like it? Is it affecting your marriage in a negative way? Change it. You have the ability to learn a different song and dance, a different tune... You have the ability and maybe not know-how yet, but you can learn the know-how through a marital therapist. Be patient with yourself and your spouse as you learn to instill in yourself a better way to whatever it is that you are dealing with.
Are you angry with your parents for this example they set for you? My best advice is to get over it. Like I said, they did the best with what the knew how or felt at the time. If you are a parent, you know that even as a parent you make mistakes - parent's are not perfect - and we should make the necessary steps to forgive them. Perhaps mentally stepping in their shoes at the time of something that you're holding onto would help you understand why they did what they did, why they said what they said. Do you even know what trials they were going through themselves and how that played a roll in their own decisions as parents? When you can let it go, give it to God and move on, a huge weight will be lifted from your shoulders.
I love my parents. I know that they did their best in all the situations that arose for them and their family. I am grateful for my parents in many ways throughout my life, their unconditional love and always trying their best to show me what was best. And despite running into a few things here and there that I have learned to change within myself and marriage, this is an understanding I have come to over the years and I am grateful for their example and I am grateful for the releasing breathe of fresh air of realizing that my parents are not perfect.
Of course, there is always a process involved with change. Sometimes that process is taking steps forward and back again. As long as you are moving forward, no matter the steps you take back will lessen over time.
Look, we all have something we take that is either positive or negative from our childhood into our adulthood. Why? Because no parent has a solid-proof how-to book that comes out with you from the womb. Whether you, yourself is a parent right now you will either know or come to know that you do the very best you can at the time of each situation. We are who we are because of the trials we've come through throughout our life, not just something negative that we may have pulled out from our upbringing that you may not like to see in yourself.
You don't like it? Is it affecting your marriage in a negative way? Change it. You have the ability to learn a different song and dance, a different tune... You have the ability and maybe not know-how yet, but you can learn the know-how through a marital therapist. Be patient with yourself and your spouse as you learn to instill in yourself a better way to whatever it is that you are dealing with.
Are you angry with your parents for this example they set for you? My best advice is to get over it. Like I said, they did the best with what the knew how or felt at the time. If you are a parent, you know that even as a parent you make mistakes - parent's are not perfect - and we should make the necessary steps to forgive them. Perhaps mentally stepping in their shoes at the time of something that you're holding onto would help you understand why they did what they did, why they said what they said. Do you even know what trials they were going through themselves and how that played a roll in their own decisions as parents? When you can let it go, give it to God and move on, a huge weight will be lifted from your shoulders.
I love my parents. I know that they did their best in all the situations that arose for them and their family. I am grateful for my parents in many ways throughout my life, their unconditional love and always trying their best to show me what was best. And despite running into a few things here and there that I have learned to change within myself and marriage, this is an understanding I have come to over the years and I am grateful for their example and I am grateful for the releasing breathe of fresh air of realizing that my parents are not perfect.
Of course, there is always a process involved with change. Sometimes that process is taking steps forward and back again. As long as you are moving forward, no matter the steps you take back will lessen over time.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
