I'm going to dive into my past here a bit, in hopes to help anyone else that might be in an abusive relationship.
The people who are on the outside of the box looking in always comments on "Why don't you just get out? Why do you let him/her treat you this way?" etc.
Physical and Emotional abuse are very hard to get away from. If there is physical abuse going on, there is most certainly emotional abuse going on. Emotional abuse is our heavy anchor that won't allow us to think that we are worthy to escape, it has brought us down or even lower than we already maybe were to a level of despair, of low self-esteem, self-confidence. You question yourself in every aspect of your life. While deep down you know what this person is doing to you is wrong, getting away from it proves to be life-threatening, so staying is easier though very scary.
The abuser always portrays themselves as being on a pedestal -- higher than you. Anything that goes wrong in their day or their life or your life as a whole is your fault. They do not take responsibility for their actions or their words. They hurt you and turn around and sweet talk you back to thinking maybe there is hope that they will change. Or sweet talk you back to a "safe" zone just to turn around and backhand you with their actions or words. You often hear from victims of abuse that he loves me after she was just bruised - whether that be physical bruises or emotional bruises. Part of the "he loves me" talk is that if you don't say he wants you to say, even though it isn't truth, you know you'll get hurt worse the next time... just as trying to escape, to leave is nearly impossible because you will get hurt worse and perhaps even fear for your life, so holding onto your life though it isn't really yours (in abuse) and is under their control is all you have to hold onto.
When I was in HS and just out of HS I was in a "relationship" that was emotionally and physically abusive. It went on for 3 years; 3 years of hell. I tried numerous times to escape, but the hold was strong and others that should have helped when I reached out and they also knew what was going on only contributed to the issues. And even when those that I loved most did try to help, though they really had no idea what was going on, they only knew that the "relationship" was taking a negative toll on my life - they tried and I am glad they never gave up trying; even when I wanted to reach out and grab onto their rope they were tossing to me, I felt I had no choice but to stomp on it and walk the other direction. It is called being deathly scared. A passerby in a car watching inside of our car signaled to me if I needed help, and I did, I really, really did and I hoped that they would come through for me... but nothing happened. Nothing. I think of that moment off and on, I believe that asking for help from a total stranger was easier because my abuser didn't have any kind of association with them, they weren't above him or below him, they were just there. And when that help didn't follow through, my hope of getting out became slimmer and slimmer. Oh how I wish I would have called the police... numerous times. I wish things would have been different. I wish that perfect strangers that saw what was happening wouldn't turn the other cheek, embarrassed, not really knowing what to do and not understanding why I didn't just run. I wish they would have helped, showed my abuser that what he was doing was dead wrong. I wish I would have never gone through what I did.
I had already been suffering from depression, the last thing I needed was to get into any kind of relationship but especially an abusive one. So because I was already suffering from depression, I was brought down further into the depths of a different kind of hell. In essence, I was trapped under his control.
THERE IS NEVER A REASON, A JUSTIFICATION FOR ABUSE --- EVER!
I won't recount the things I do remember from that abusive relationship. I have forgiven my abuser, and I do believe I have healed from the incidents. I don't think about what happened on a daily basis, but they are incidents that I will never forget. I do hope through the experiences I have had, that somehow I will be able to help someone else.
For every negative expression thrown at you, replace it in your mind and heart with something positive even if you don't believe in it anymore - thanks to your spouse or significant other who smothered it to death. Tell yourself over and over again, "I do not deserve this!" --- "abuse is NOT love".... Positive reinforcement, like daily affirmations will start to arm you with courage. Try and surround yourself with those that lift you up. Find a support group. Make a plan and get out! Do whatever you need to do so your abuser will not hurt you anymore! And get to a therapist to help you heal from the abuse you've dealt with.
This may sound really strange, but the one thing that helped me cut my ties was after I got my first job, I bought myself a car. It was MY car, it was MY responsibility, and it gave me some sense of "power" to take the steps I needed to get away. That car was a symbol of simply my lifesaver in many ways.
And while I healed from the abuse, I ended up in two marriages after that that were negative, which I will at some later point in time get into those as well. During that process however, I learned a lot about myself, about forgiveness. I am grateful to the therapists that gave me those insights into myself and to help me move forward and make healthier decisions.
Below are some resources for abuse.
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