Marriage is hard enough without throwing in issues that seem to be unresolvable, that keep cropping up time and time again. In my own situations, I was committed to making it work, no matter what the situation was. One of the problems that came about, was that I was the only one that wanted to work towards something better. The other problems were the actual issues that were going on that continued to get worse. I believe that many issues in marriage can be forgiven, and together you can move forward as a team, no matter the sin or selfish motive that may have been committed. If you are in the right spot with your heart and God, you can forgive your spouse.
I do have to add to this however, that there are some instances where while forgiveness can come about in any situation, if your marriage is to be strengthened, it is on the head of the person who committed the act of whatever it was to put the other spouse in the position of forgiveness. So in other words, just because your spouse forgave you, doesn't mean that your marriage is healed, it doesn't meant that your marriage is strengthened by that forgiveness. The person who committed the issue or issues in the first place needs to not only be aware of what he or she did, but acknowledge their wrong-doing, and then truly seek out the hurt they have caused with their spouse and in their marriage - this fully embraces the forgiveness that you have just received, thus making it become a journey to healing between you and your spouse and strengthening the marriage itself. Your spouse can still forgive you, but if you do not step up to your own acknowledgment and take some action in making something wrong become right again, then there is not going to be a journey to healing or strengthening of your marriage. Forgiveness doesn't automatically make everything better. Forgiveness ultimately is between you the forgiver and God. If the person who committed the issue or issues in the first place wants to better themselves and their marriage, then you have just entered back into a commitment with your spouse and God in your marriage.
No marriage is perfect. No one is perfect, therefore marriage cannot be perfect. I believe that everyone comes into marriage with certain and or different expectations, and when those expectations are not met, you may have feelings that your dreams about what marriage should be are shattered. Communicating to one another what perspectives you both have about marriage and keeping expectations realistic, understanding and respecting one another within these perspectives is a must. Just because you feel something, doesn't mean it goes, especially if the other is uncomfortable with it.
I have found it sad to see so many who feel that the "prize" has been won, so there is no reason to continue to impress, to continue to date, to continue to do the things you did as you were courting, the very things that brought you together, the very things that made you fall in love with one another. One cannot expect to have your marriage bloom if you are not nurturing it. The foundation you started needs to be kept strong, it really is that simple. And perhaps your foundation was shaky when you started out your marriage, but that doesn't mean you can't create a strong foundation now. We all are human and we all make mistakes, and we all should practice forgiveness in those mistakes, no matter how big or small they are. The ticket is, is that we come together and do our best to move forward, becoming better individuals, and better spouses to one another. Part of becoming better individuals is having a relationship with God, putting Him at the top of your priority list and then expanding out from the lessons you learn throughout your life, and with your spouse.
I find that people tend to get comfortable in their routine or lives, and forget that change is important, it is a must, it is going to happen to both of you individually, as well as in your marriage. One cannot expect for any marriage to work if both of you are not willing to make some changes in behalf of your spouse. For example, if you're going to marriage counseling, and the counselor suggests a particular need for change in one or both of you and you don't do it, then you are choosing to keep your marriage stale, you are choosing to not fight for your marriage, you are choosing to hurt your spouse, and you are choosing to be selfish. After all, that truly is why marriages fail, because one or both are being selfish to one degree or another.
Divorce can only be justified in physical, emotional, and spiritually abusive and controlling situations which also is under the category of abuse. No one should ever be abused in any way shape or form. It is one of the most demeaning acts to an individual. It is one of the worst experiences to go through, I know what it feels like, having been there. Marriage takes work as it is, and marriage can be awesome, but when abuse is thrown in on top of everything else it becomes everything that marriage is not intended to be.
Some of the greatest tools I had the opportunity to do before either of the divorces I went through were a marriage retreat, marriage counseling, and marriage classes. Though the things learned in these marriage enriching opportunities were not applied together (both of us working at it together) in either of my first marriages, I learned a great deal about me, about effective communication, about the differences of men and women and how to make those differences be a strength to your marriage versus a weakness. I use the knowledge I learned from these marriage enriching courses in the marriage that I am in now. We work together as a couple, as a team, what a difference that makes in everything you do. We of course are not exempt from the roller coaster that marriages go through, but we get through them the best we can and always come out better in the end.
I believe one of the biggest issues that marriages face, is lack of communication. Something I learned in a class will forever be an instrument of strength to me. It is called The Speaker/Listener Technique. This technique does not come natural, it is something you need to work at, and eventually it will be come a natural part of how you listen and how you speak. I am an analyzer or observer in many ways of myself and of others, this has really been a great tool for me to be able to not only learn more about myself, my responses, and how I can better myself in this technique, but also to truly want to understand and care about what others are saying. The natural response in a discussion that has differing views is to not truly care about what that other person is saying, you are only thinking about your comeback or what you are going to say next, not really what they are expressing. I think that naturally one starts to have that anxiety or anger brewing within themselves instead of keeping it at bay and truly listening, truly understanding, and truly coming together with solutions. Comebacks (what you are going to say next), not caring what the other person is feeling, is not effective communication, nor will it ever be effective in solving issues, or helping your marriage succeed. Marriage Missions International has the Speaker and Listener Rules that you can go over. If you are a visual learner, there is a YouTube video from You&Me.WE. If you can get into a class that is teaching this technique, that would be the most ideal. Again, it does take practice. It does not come natural. But it does work, and it is so much nicer to have an actual conversation without fighting. It is also so nice to be able to really listen to what your spouse has to say, instead of you both being on the defense mode and defending yourself left and right. It is so nice to be able to care about each other, care about what they are saying, and truly taking the time to understand, wanting to understand so that you can work through a problem instead of adding to the fire.
When we fall out of nurturing not only ourselves, but our marriages, people tend to call that falling out of love and then it feels as if there is nothing. But there is something, if you would just give it a go, take some steps, even when you don't necessarily feel like it anymore. When we stop nurturing our marriages, we start finding fault and negativity in each other, and the positive and everything that you fell in love with to marry him or her is deflated. The want to go on in a marriage that is lacking in nurturing qualities, is a marriage on the verge of divorce. The lack of nurturing or caring that goes on in many marriages is absolutely heartbreaking and selfish. Marriage is sacred regardless of what status or stage your marriage might be in, figure it out, understanding we all have faults and we all have room for improvement, it is never just one-sided, although I have seen how the acknowledgment of doing better is lacking more on one of the spouses in the marriage. A lot of times, it is because that spouse who needs to do some changing of their own is portraying that everything that is wrong in the marriage is upon the other spouses head, that in no way you could be responsible for the hardships you have and are enduring. This is where many marriages take wrong turns and go downhill even more.
At the same time, if you are in an abusive relationship and you continue to subject yourself in that relationship you are at fault with yourself for not getting out. And while I know it is hard to leave a potentially scary situation, there are resources out there to help you. There is no excuse for abuse, there is no reason, not even in love (as many abusers like to portray along with their "sweet talk") - none of this should be occurring. You are worth more than what abuse your spouse is dishing out to you. You may be able to forgive your spouse for the abuse that is going on, but that doesn't mean you have to be with him. And for forgiveness to occur in these circumstances it is best to get out and work through what you have endured to be able to take the steps to forgiveness.
Some other resources I would recommend that could enrich your lives and marriage would be the books "Life Balance" by Linda and Richard Eyre, "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, and "The Love Dare" book by Stephen and Alex Kendrick with Lawrence Kimbrough. If you are not familiar with "The Love Dare" book, it originated from the hit movie "Fireproof." It truly is an amazing book. It is a 40-day journey, a 40-day challenge to understand and practice unconditional love. I would also recommend watching the "Fireproof" movie, as it really gives a new perspective and understanding in what unconditional love is, how it is needed in marriage, and it is just emphasizes "The Love Dare" book even more. I think if you are struggling in your marriage, when you initially watch the "Fireproof" movie, you may be thinking about what your spouse needs to gain from watching this, what you think is missing from your spouse and so on. What you really need to be doing is watching it for yourself, what is is that you can do to change, to enhance your marriage, what are the steps you need to do - not the other way around.I believe that every engaged, every married couple should read "The Love Dare" book, and to take the 40-day challenge. It truly is life changing, not only for yourself, but for your marriage. It is absolutely inspirational, it is motivating, it is an eye opener to what love is. Whether your marriage is great, this book will enrich it. If your marriage is at the end of its rope, this book can change your marriage for the better, and also enhance your life. One of my favorite articles from the Ensign, by James E. Faust on "Enriching Your Marriage" He gives some insightful thoughts and questions in regards to helping your marriage be constantly enriched.
Gary Chapman's website also has the availability to receive emails that inspire marriages. I also love The Generous Wife and The Generous Husband websites, of which give suggestions to help strengthen your marriage, and become a better wife and husband. I would caution though with The Generous Wife or The Generous Husband suggestions that though they are great, you might be missing a valuable point in your marriage that you need to look into before you dive into their suggestions. If there are some serious issues in your marriage, doing some of the lovey dovey suggestions may just make your spouse feel more uncomfortable or feel like pushing you away further. Other suggestions in helping your marriage is to look into some marriage classes, marriage retreats (there are night ones, there are overnight ones), and of course marriage counseling. One thing I would advise for the counseling is that if you go to someone that just isn't clicking with you, go to someone new, don't give up.
If you are spiritual or religious or if you're not, perhaps you should consider it, as some of the most simple tools to helping your marriage are God-given gifts to each of us. Include God into your marriage, and it will make a difference. One of the gifts that I think about most is prayer, praying together, praying for each other. Showing love and respect and applying the principles of the Gospel into your life, into your marriage is lifesaving!
Marriage is wonderful. Marriage is difficult at times. Marriage can be bitter if we let ourselves hold grudges and continue to look at the negative. Marriage is a commitment. Marriage is sacred. Marriage is worth fighting for even when you feel like you are at the end of your rope. And marriage is worth nurturing every day whether you are at the end of that rope or your marriage is great - there is always room for improvement!
If you understand love, love never fails.
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