Recently however, through my first encounter with the therapist, he gave me some homework to read "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. I wasn't sure how I was going to get it at the time... I prefer to own these books, as they are great reference books throughout marriage, but with finances tight at the time I was unable to do that. The city where we live is underway to getting a library, but the closet library next to our city costs a ridiculous amount for a membership each month, so I asked my mom to check this book out from her local library. This book is so popular that there was a wait list for it, I was ninth on that list! I received it two days before the next therapy appointment, this time for both of us. He now gave us the homework to both read "Hold Me Tight", along with some other homework which I'll touch on at on another post.
When our therapist talked to us about how it seems that every time I engage, my husband disengages; and the more I engage, the more he disengages, leaving us in a crazy cycle that gets us no where positive, just further apart. This made complete sense to me, to both of us... and as simple as this enlightening moment was, it was exactly that - a light bulb of sorts went on. I was excited to read this book. I probably could have read it in 2 days; it is one of those books where you just can't put it down... yes, it is that good! But I do have a family to take care of too... It took me about a week to read it. It felt like a roller coaster of emotions, because I could completely relate, and while it gave me sadness to have to delve back into the past because it was old and I already felt blue in the face and not getting anywhere with it.... I could see how it could heal me, how it could heal us. At the same time, it has brought me a light of new hope.
There is a lot of great resources out there for marriage.... much of it has great significance in the help department.... but I always found that while it was all good, there was something deeper to the equation of marital oneness, but I could never really pin point it until I read "Hold Me Tight". It is like this book wraps everything else that I have gained insight with all into one, like the whole package is complete. It was amazing! I highly recommend this book for any marriage.... though like Sue Johnson said in the introduction, this book is not for abusive relationships (remember abuse is not just physical, it is emotional, and spiritual too). This book focuses on the technique Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg came up with called EFT (Emotional Focused Therapy). Here is a great website which explains in more detail of what EFT is all about: What is EFT?
Marriage is worth fighting for, but when you feel like you're disconnected from the other person it is hard to want to do much of anything. I feel like many marriages get into bad caustic cycles; we have been in one without really realizing it until now - like I said, the more I engaged the more he disengaged, even when we weren't even fighting... I was trying to bring into view other techniques I had learned, only the downfall there was my trying to teach him about these seemed to be not working - I think if we both had learned the techniques together, that can make a difference. You can tell your spouse all you want about some profound thing you have discovered that you know would help your marriage, but that doesn't mean they will have the same perspective or know-how to approach how to incorporate it into the marriage. And maybe your perspective or thoughts on trying to incorporate it are good ones, but it may just not be for whatever reason not clicking with your spouse - and that is okay! There are ways to learn how... but pushing the subject the same way over and over again does not work, unless of course you're getting different results, positive ones for that matter.
We learn in EFT that there are underlying reasons or feelings of why we do what we do, why we are in this caustic cycle, and so we get to the heart of it and then learn together to be emotionally focused together. Learning to communicate effectively has always been a goal of mine, we are in essence always communicating to each other - it just may not be too effective, it may come across hurtful, rejected, which then leads to other feelings that just fester within and generally just fuels the fire for the next time spouses don't effectively communicate. No wonder these simple moments tear us apart further, no wonder so many people feel like they fell out of love, no wonder people look for love somewhere else, or just plain get divorced and look elsewhere. I'm not condoning such behavior, but when you get to the heart of it, if we are not doing our part for our spouse 100% of the time, we are chipping away at what could be a stronger foundation day by day. Understanding the underlying reasons of why each of us do what we do - coming up with conversations with I FEEL and I NEED goes a long way and takes out the heat of the situation, and we can then see clearer.
Something I shared with someone close to me while reading the "Hold Me Tight" book was this:
...We are always making decisions throughout our life because of an emotional connection. So, lets leave that there and we are moving forward. Our lack of effective communication is that we are still communicating but it is creating bad feelings because we aren't effectively communicating. Not saying anything at all is communicating to me that he doesn't care, though it means to him that he does care, he just doesn't want to argue about it. It is easier for him to disengage because that is safe for him. And rather than blaming where that comes from, though it can have some emphasis on where he is or I am at now, it isn't necessary to blame; what is necessary is to move forward, but sometimes to move forward we have to express our I FEEL and our I NEED and truly LISTEN to each other and not be on the defense - not thinking about what you are going to say to defend yourself - but to truly listen to what the other is feeling and not categorizing it into some diagnosis either. People simply feel things, and choose to act in the way they do because of where they have been, where they are and where their security is for each situation.
I think my biggest security blanket in this book is that it has made me realize that over the years I became insecure in our marriage, and there is a number of factors of why - regular marital issues that come up that just weren't really resolved, to stepfamily & stepmom issues that were pushed aside. Time after time, it gets old, it gets numb, it gets insecure. At the same time, my husband too had feelings but he doesn't know how to express them and most of the time for him not saying anything was easier because he made a decision from an experience he witnessed that left him feeling like there is no use in talking when nothing positive comes out of it. For me, I am the talker, I drown out what could be a conversation because for a long time if I didn't, there would be silence, and I cannot stand silence because I felt more insecure, I felt like the caring just went out the window, that perhaps I just didn't matter. But I tried to get a response... and again, the more I tried the more he backed away... I just never really knew why. EFT helps the why's get answered, helping us see our spouse in a new light, helping us realize why we really feel the way we do during certain times in our marital journey and attacking them in positive ways so that we really can come together in oneness.
I am really excited to continue with EFT and see where it leads us next. I'm sure this will not be the last time I touch on EFT.
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