I believe that many issues in marriage can be forgiven...If you go by the ten commandments we are required to forgive all things. But, lets take forgiveness to a new step... forgiveness helps calm the hurt that one feels so that they can move forward... forgiveness doesn't mean that all is healed over night, that the past is now suddenly in the past and everything is suddenly perfect again.
If you are in a relationship/marriage and you have done something to your spouse that made him/her feel demeaned or betrayed in any way - Sue Johnson in "Hold Me Tight" calls this an "attachment injury" - if not properly dealt with and healed properly it is really hard to move forward.
So what if it happened days, months, years ago... if it hasn't been dealt with properly, whether there was a heartfelt sorry or not, if there hasn't been mutual communication of the hurt and where it stemmed from and why - and sometimes like Sue Johnson says, you might have to go over the issue more than once to work through the hurt; and for the other who caused the "attachment injury" in the first place to truly care about their spouses hurt, to do whatever it takes for them to prove themselves, to do the I NEEDs from their spouse to help them heal.
Forgiveness can happen, moving forward, strengthening ones marriage can all happen.
I'd like to also dive into the the issues that I know that many marriages face - they want their spouse to stop bringing up their mistake, because it is in the past.
1. have you yourself, the one who made the mistake in the first place - have you made the same mistake over and over and over again? Are the same issues there? How does one push it in the past when it still continues? When the hurt continues? --- If you haven't, you are making the problem worse. You are injuring your spouse further. Telling him or her to put the past in the past and work towards the future is like a slap in the face, no, that doesn't even describe it actually... it is more like stabbing their heart over and over again. --- Care enough to show concern, and love for the hurt you have caused, and help heal your spouse! Do what your spouse needs you to do to help him/her heal.
2. scroll right back up to the whole "attachment injury" part - better yet, read Sue Johnson's book, "Hold Me Tight" she has the formula to forgiveness with "attachment injuries" that is absolutely amazing! Healing needs to take place before positive movement can be made.
3. If the issues are abuse related, you can still forgive that person, but that doesn't mean you have to have anything to do with them. Been there, done that.
This link shows a great Q&A from a therapist on EFT: Healing from past mistakes
There was a time in my life where after I watched this: Forgiveness: My Burden Was Made Light - I had hoped that if I ever encountered a situation where I had to choose to forgive right then and there, that I would have the strength and faith that this man had. And there was a time where I was placed in that position. It was a whirlwind for me, the moment shattered a lot within me in a split second, but after a long breathe, a prayer in my heart I knew for me, for us I had to forgive right then and there and move forward. And I did forgive, and I thought we were moving forward, only I realized years later that I hadn't healed. I still had an "attachment injury" - and with the help of Sue Johnson's "Hold Me Tight" book, I am healing and I can't even tell you how freeing that is... not to mention the insecurity I once felt is being embraced with security again. It is truly a wonderful journey and feeling!
I'm sure like with every other topic we can discuss here, this will not be the last time I touch on forgiveness. I am however going to end this here... and poke again through my "Resources" post with other additional thoughts.
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