Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Friday, May 25, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Choose To Be Happy ~ Part 2
These are more thoughts off of one of my recent blog posts "Choose To Be Happy".
I think there is a happy balance with the phrase "Choose To Be Happy", what I mean by that is this ::
If you were just rude, disrespectful to your spouse or if you hurt your spouses feelings and you did nothing to take responsibility for it - like an acknowledgment that what you did was wrong, in essence an apology, and perhaps letting your spouse air their feelings on how you made them feel - working through the hurt of it all. So, if you didn't do that, and you suddenly became nice and made it seem like nothing ever happened, it doesn't make it all go away. What it does do is create a sense of hurt that you could care less about your spouse, it creates a negative feeling within the marriage and between the two of you. If you were suddenly nice and your spouse wasn't responsive in the way you'd like them to be (loving, nice back etc.), maybe backtrack a bit and see if you didn't follow through with what should have happened. You cannot expect your spouse to suddenly be happy with you because after all, you treated your spouse like crap, turned around and was nice for a moment and expect them to be lovey towards you. You cannot expect them to choose to be happy in spite of rudeness you dished out to them. Life and love does not work that way.
If there is a serious issue in your marriage that has hurt you or your spouse deeply and it has never been resolved. Stop letting it eat at you and resolve it. Choose to apologize to your spouse, choose to listen to your spouse and the hurt that they are feeling, choose to understand, choose to work through it, choose to love and stop hurting, choose to let go of the hurt, resentment, grudges and choose to forgive, choose to learn to love in the way your spouse feels love. Holding onto it isn't doing you or your spouse any good.
Of course, if you expect your spouse to be lovey towards you after all these years of hurt that they've felt and now there is resentment because you never cared about their feelings and you keep trying and trying to get a positive response from them, it seems that most people react the opposite way and the resentment digs deeper. While your spouse is trying to reach out to receive their own love language, and probably trying to show you love, it is actually backfiring with a deeper issue. The spouse that hurt the other spouse and is now trying to do what he or she thinks is best for the marriage, for him or her, or what they are craving within the marriage for themselves is actually digging at the hurt and creating a bigger hole because your spouse over the years has never talked with you regarding the initial hurt they caused. I think sometimes spouses may not have a clue as to why their spouse responds with negativity and the cycle continues. But at the same time, what good are you doing to yourself with resentment? What good is that doing to your relationship and marriage? What about how we cannot be at our best with others when we are not at best with ourselves?
Rudeness, disrespect, resentment, grudges are not love, it does not lift your marriage to new heights, it is does not lift your spouse, it does not lift yourself. It seem that the adversary is against anything positive and will fight you to the death if you go that direction, especially in families. And if your marriage or family is already caught in a spinning tornado, the fury of the adversary is going to hit harder and harder unless you both take the necessary steps to stop the negative cycle. Both of you need to choose... and choose a number of ways for that happiness to just swell within your hearts, which will overflow into your marriage. And sometimes to get the spinning to stop, one of you has to take that step. If you continue to wait for the other and the other doesn't make the step, the spinning will continue. And it isn't just affecting your marriage, but it is affecting both of you individually.
The more you look at the negative aspects of what your spouse is doing, even in light of one event that took place that made an issue that was not resolved, that has hurt you over the years and your spouse has not seemed to care about it, or seem to care about doing their part, or seem to want to change what needs to be changed - do you think holding onto that hurt for yourself or adding to it with things you suddenly aren't liking is going to help you feel better? What about continuing to do your part? Does it suddenly all stop because your spouse isn't doing what you think your spouse should be doing? Do they even know how you're feeling? Or have you just become a wall to them? Is there a bad cycle going on here? Negative feeds negative. Do you think that your feelings towards the hurt are helping the marriage? Maybe you've tried to work through it through therapy? But is therapy for both of you or just one of you? What are your views? Are you there to "fix" the other person, or are you there together, as equals to fix the marriage as a whole? To learn to love each others love language, as well as learn to effectively communicate and to practice unconditional love.
So your spouse hasn't apologized and you don't ever see them doing it. Do you think you might be putting a condition on love (on your part) if this has been going on for several years? I wonder if the spouse that is hurt, could choose to be happy, choose to continue to do their part, and perhaps help get the marriage to a place where the negative cycle beings to stop and the healing from that issue so long ago can take place. Are you happy with where your marriage is at now? Do you want it to continue this way in misery for the next year, 5 years, 10 years? So why not someone make the change that needs to occur. So, while you are still choosing to do your part, you are choosing love and you are choosing to keep your marriage above the water. I'm not saying that when you choose to stop your end of the negative cycle that everything becomes okay, but it does help immensely. Choose it and you will see how much change you feel in yourself, you'll stop having a constant battle within yourself. God did not intend for you to live in resentment, hurt, anxiety. God wants you to be happy, but you have to choose that. And you do have the ability to choose it no matter if your spouse has not apologized to you. Maybe your spouse never will, do you want to sentence yourself to a lifetime of resentment? It is no way to live and is robbing you of all that life and marriage has to offer.
One of my favorite quotes is by Thomas S. Monson :: "Choose your love. Love your choice." It really isn't rocket science. We all make mistakes, we all need to work through them together, forgive and love our choice.
I think there is a happy balance with the phrase "Choose To Be Happy", what I mean by that is this ::
If you were just rude, disrespectful to your spouse or if you hurt your spouses feelings and you did nothing to take responsibility for it - like an acknowledgment that what you did was wrong, in essence an apology, and perhaps letting your spouse air their feelings on how you made them feel - working through the hurt of it all. So, if you didn't do that, and you suddenly became nice and made it seem like nothing ever happened, it doesn't make it all go away. What it does do is create a sense of hurt that you could care less about your spouse, it creates a negative feeling within the marriage and between the two of you. If you were suddenly nice and your spouse wasn't responsive in the way you'd like them to be (loving, nice back etc.), maybe backtrack a bit and see if you didn't follow through with what should have happened. You cannot expect your spouse to suddenly be happy with you because after all, you treated your spouse like crap, turned around and was nice for a moment and expect them to be lovey towards you. You cannot expect them to choose to be happy in spite of rudeness you dished out to them. Life and love does not work that way.
If there is a serious issue in your marriage that has hurt you or your spouse deeply and it has never been resolved. Stop letting it eat at you and resolve it. Choose to apologize to your spouse, choose to listen to your spouse and the hurt that they are feeling, choose to understand, choose to work through it, choose to love and stop hurting, choose to let go of the hurt, resentment, grudges and choose to forgive, choose to learn to love in the way your spouse feels love. Holding onto it isn't doing you or your spouse any good.
Of course, if you expect your spouse to be lovey towards you after all these years of hurt that they've felt and now there is resentment because you never cared about their feelings and you keep trying and trying to get a positive response from them, it seems that most people react the opposite way and the resentment digs deeper. While your spouse is trying to reach out to receive their own love language, and probably trying to show you love, it is actually backfiring with a deeper issue. The spouse that hurt the other spouse and is now trying to do what he or she thinks is best for the marriage, for him or her, or what they are craving within the marriage for themselves is actually digging at the hurt and creating a bigger hole because your spouse over the years has never talked with you regarding the initial hurt they caused. I think sometimes spouses may not have a clue as to why their spouse responds with negativity and the cycle continues. But at the same time, what good are you doing to yourself with resentment? What good is that doing to your relationship and marriage? What about how we cannot be at our best with others when we are not at best with ourselves?
Rudeness, disrespect, resentment, grudges are not love, it does not lift your marriage to new heights, it is does not lift your spouse, it does not lift yourself. It seem that the adversary is against anything positive and will fight you to the death if you go that direction, especially in families. And if your marriage or family is already caught in a spinning tornado, the fury of the adversary is going to hit harder and harder unless you both take the necessary steps to stop the negative cycle. Both of you need to choose... and choose a number of ways for that happiness to just swell within your hearts, which will overflow into your marriage. And sometimes to get the spinning to stop, one of you has to take that step. If you continue to wait for the other and the other doesn't make the step, the spinning will continue. And it isn't just affecting your marriage, but it is affecting both of you individually.
The more you look at the negative aspects of what your spouse is doing, even in light of one event that took place that made an issue that was not resolved, that has hurt you over the years and your spouse has not seemed to care about it, or seem to care about doing their part, or seem to want to change what needs to be changed - do you think holding onto that hurt for yourself or adding to it with things you suddenly aren't liking is going to help you feel better? What about continuing to do your part? Does it suddenly all stop because your spouse isn't doing what you think your spouse should be doing? Do they even know how you're feeling? Or have you just become a wall to them? Is there a bad cycle going on here? Negative feeds negative. Do you think that your feelings towards the hurt are helping the marriage? Maybe you've tried to work through it through therapy? But is therapy for both of you or just one of you? What are your views? Are you there to "fix" the other person, or are you there together, as equals to fix the marriage as a whole? To learn to love each others love language, as well as learn to effectively communicate and to practice unconditional love.
So your spouse hasn't apologized and you don't ever see them doing it. Do you think you might be putting a condition on love (on your part) if this has been going on for several years? I wonder if the spouse that is hurt, could choose to be happy, choose to continue to do their part, and perhaps help get the marriage to a place where the negative cycle beings to stop and the healing from that issue so long ago can take place. Are you happy with where your marriage is at now? Do you want it to continue this way in misery for the next year, 5 years, 10 years? So why not someone make the change that needs to occur. So, while you are still choosing to do your part, you are choosing love and you are choosing to keep your marriage above the water. I'm not saying that when you choose to stop your end of the negative cycle that everything becomes okay, but it does help immensely. Choose it and you will see how much change you feel in yourself, you'll stop having a constant battle within yourself. God did not intend for you to live in resentment, hurt, anxiety. God wants you to be happy, but you have to choose that. And you do have the ability to choose it no matter if your spouse has not apologized to you. Maybe your spouse never will, do you want to sentence yourself to a lifetime of resentment? It is no way to live and is robbing you of all that life and marriage has to offer.
One of my favorite quotes is by Thomas S. Monson :: "Choose your love. Love your choice." It really isn't rocket science. We all make mistakes, we all need to work through them together, forgive and love our choice.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Forgive Your Parents & Make A Change
Are you in one of those boats where you're realizing in your adulthood and marriage that you are doing things that you saw your parents do in their marriage, things that you didn't necessarily like or that gave you bad feelings growing up? Are you making excuses as to why you act the way you do with your spouse because of the example that was set for you? Are you making excuses for your spouse as to why they are the way they are? Are you angry with your parents for not being more of what you needed to go into your marital relationship with more positive attributes?
Look, we all have something we take that is either positive or negative from our childhood into our adulthood. Why? Because no parent has a solid-proof how-to book that comes out with you from the womb. Whether you, yourself is a parent right now you will either know or come to know that you do the very best you can at the time of each situation. We are who we are because of the trials we've come through throughout our life, not just something negative that we may have pulled out from our upbringing that you may not like to see in yourself.
You don't like it? Is it affecting your marriage in a negative way? Change it. You have the ability to learn a different song and dance, a different tune... You have the ability and maybe not know-how yet, but you can learn the know-how through a marital therapist. Be patient with yourself and your spouse as you learn to instill in yourself a better way to whatever it is that you are dealing with.
Are you angry with your parents for this example they set for you? My best advice is to get over it. Like I said, they did the best with what the knew how or felt at the time. If you are a parent, you know that even as a parent you make mistakes - parent's are not perfect - and we should make the necessary steps to forgive them. Perhaps mentally stepping in their shoes at the time of something that you're holding onto would help you understand why they did what they did, why they said what they said. Do you even know what trials they were going through themselves and how that played a roll in their own decisions as parents? When you can let it go, give it to God and move on, a huge weight will be lifted from your shoulders.
I love my parents. I know that they did their best in all the situations that arose for them and their family. I am grateful for my parents in many ways throughout my life, their unconditional love and always trying their best to show me what was best. And despite running into a few things here and there that I have learned to change within myself and marriage, this is an understanding I have come to over the years and I am grateful for their example and I am grateful for the releasing breathe of fresh air of realizing that my parents are not perfect.
Of course, there is always a process involved with change. Sometimes that process is taking steps forward and back again. As long as you are moving forward, no matter the steps you take back will lessen over time.
Look, we all have something we take that is either positive or negative from our childhood into our adulthood. Why? Because no parent has a solid-proof how-to book that comes out with you from the womb. Whether you, yourself is a parent right now you will either know or come to know that you do the very best you can at the time of each situation. We are who we are because of the trials we've come through throughout our life, not just something negative that we may have pulled out from our upbringing that you may not like to see in yourself.
You don't like it? Is it affecting your marriage in a negative way? Change it. You have the ability to learn a different song and dance, a different tune... You have the ability and maybe not know-how yet, but you can learn the know-how through a marital therapist. Be patient with yourself and your spouse as you learn to instill in yourself a better way to whatever it is that you are dealing with.
Are you angry with your parents for this example they set for you? My best advice is to get over it. Like I said, they did the best with what the knew how or felt at the time. If you are a parent, you know that even as a parent you make mistakes - parent's are not perfect - and we should make the necessary steps to forgive them. Perhaps mentally stepping in their shoes at the time of something that you're holding onto would help you understand why they did what they did, why they said what they said. Do you even know what trials they were going through themselves and how that played a roll in their own decisions as parents? When you can let it go, give it to God and move on, a huge weight will be lifted from your shoulders.
I love my parents. I know that they did their best in all the situations that arose for them and their family. I am grateful for my parents in many ways throughout my life, their unconditional love and always trying their best to show me what was best. And despite running into a few things here and there that I have learned to change within myself and marriage, this is an understanding I have come to over the years and I am grateful for their example and I am grateful for the releasing breathe of fresh air of realizing that my parents are not perfect.
Of course, there is always a process involved with change. Sometimes that process is taking steps forward and back again. As long as you are moving forward, no matter the steps you take back will lessen over time.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Forgiveness Part 3
There is a great website for stepmoms & ex-wives called No One's The Bitch. There, they have an article that I wanted to share here since we are on a bit of a roll with forgiveness. While this forgiveness list is directed towards stepmoms, ex-wives, or your ex - this is good within marriage itself IMO.
Here is the direct link: TOP TEN REASONS to Forgive the Stepmom, the Ex-wife, or your Ex
Here is the direct link: TOP TEN REASONS to Forgive the Stepmom, the Ex-wife, or your Ex
Forgiveness Part 2
If you haven't had the opportunity to check out the first post on Forgiveness, click HERE
This isn't always an easy part of forgiving, but is a must in any relationship:
This isn't always an easy part of forgiving, but is a must in any relationship:
Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong and the other person is right.
It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.
~ Unknown
Have you been in an argument where you both felt you were right, where you went in circles trying to prove the other one wrong? Who was wrong and who was right is a whole other subject. I'm not even going to delve into that one, at least not yet. So, in the process of bickering back and forth, sometimes you just have to walk away from it... take a breather... Bickering for one doesn't get very far on the positive scale. And how does it help for both of you to walk away and not one of you come back to apologize - ever thought about both of you being in the wrong? Esp how you're treating each other by bickering back and forth? Effective communication, forgiveness, apologizing isn't always about waiting for the other one to say sorry. You may still have a POV to the issue, as does your spouse - but treating each other with the way you are communicating is a good reason to come back to each other and simply say "I'm really sorry that I talked to you like that... I am really sorry that I made you feel bad..." Starting over with your conversation with your spouse in mind instead of your POV in mind will go along way. And if you are unsure of how to do this, investigate what the best technique is for you and your marriage. I would highly recommend "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson, I would also recommend The Speaker Listener Technique - with this however, I would look into finding a marital class for you both to go to - this is better learned in a hands-on setting, though it does take time to learn the technique, it is worth it.
Forgiveness is a must to keep the peace, to keep our vows and covenants the utmost part of our mind and heart, to keep from festering bad feelings and letting them wound our souls - though forgiveness is only the first step in the process. Healing is the next step in the process, taking actions to resolve what is being forgiven. Though, I have seen many, as well as myself trying to take the healing approach and then forgiving - but I have found throughout my life that it is a harder road to be on, like you're carrying a ton of bricks on your shoulders and your heart. It is a longer process, a draining one at that. When you approach it with forgiveness and then healing, there is a sense of relief, the heaviness of the very thing you are forgiving isn't so heavy, it isn't so draining, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel with new hope pretty much immediately, at least that is how it has been for me.
Simply, forgiveness comes in all shapes and sizes.
Forgiveness is a must to keep the peace, to keep our vows and covenants the utmost part of our mind and heart, to keep from festering bad feelings and letting them wound our souls - though forgiveness is only the first step in the process. Healing is the next step in the process, taking actions to resolve what is being forgiven. Though, I have seen many, as well as myself trying to take the healing approach and then forgiving - but I have found throughout my life that it is a harder road to be on, like you're carrying a ton of bricks on your shoulders and your heart. It is a longer process, a draining one at that. When you approach it with forgiveness and then healing, there is a sense of relief, the heaviness of the very thing you are forgiving isn't so heavy, it isn't so draining, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel with new hope pretty much immediately, at least that is how it has been for me.
Simply, forgiveness comes in all shapes and sizes.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Forgiveness
The previous post "Resources" was written many moons ago. I was going to try and have it published along with my Associated Content articles, but I decided I'd just post it here instead... There are a few things in that post that I would like to pull out and view here...
If you are in a relationship/marriage and you have done something to your spouse that made him/her feel demeaned or betrayed in any way - Sue Johnson in "Hold Me Tight" calls this an "attachment injury" - if not properly dealt with and healed properly it is really hard to move forward.
So what if it happened days, months, years ago... if it hasn't been dealt with properly, whether there was a heartfelt sorry or not, if there hasn't been mutual communication of the hurt and where it stemmed from and why - and sometimes like Sue Johnson says, you might have to go over the issue more than once to work through the hurt; and for the other who caused the "attachment injury" in the first place to truly care about their spouses hurt, to do whatever it takes for them to prove themselves, to do the I NEEDs from their spouse to help them heal.
Forgiveness can happen, moving forward, strengthening ones marriage can all happen.
I'd like to also dive into the the issues that I know that many marriages face - they want their spouse to stop bringing up their mistake, because it is in the past.
1. have you yourself, the one who made the mistake in the first place - have you made the same mistake over and over and over again? Are the same issues there? How does one push it in the past when it still continues? When the hurt continues? --- If you haven't, you are making the problem worse. You are injuring your spouse further. Telling him or her to put the past in the past and work towards the future is like a slap in the face, no, that doesn't even describe it actually... it is more like stabbing their heart over and over again. --- Care enough to show concern, and love for the hurt you have caused, and help heal your spouse! Do what your spouse needs you to do to help him/her heal.
2. scroll right back up to the whole "attachment injury" part - better yet, read Sue Johnson's book, "Hold Me Tight" she has the formula to forgiveness with "attachment injuries" that is absolutely amazing! Healing needs to take place before positive movement can be made.
3. If the issues are abuse related, you can still forgive that person, but that doesn't mean you have to have anything to do with them. Been there, done that.
This link shows a great Q&A from a therapist on EFT: Healing from past mistakes
There was a time in my life where after I watched this: Forgiveness: My Burden Was Made Light - I had hoped that if I ever encountered a situation where I had to choose to forgive right then and there, that I would have the strength and faith that this man had. And there was a time where I was placed in that position. It was a whirlwind for me, the moment shattered a lot within me in a split second, but after a long breathe, a prayer in my heart I knew for me, for us I had to forgive right then and there and move forward. And I did forgive, and I thought we were moving forward, only I realized years later that I hadn't healed. I still had an "attachment injury" - and with the help of Sue Johnson's "Hold Me Tight" book, I am healing and I can't even tell you how freeing that is... not to mention the insecurity I once felt is being embraced with security again. It is truly a wonderful journey and feeling!
I'm sure like with every other topic we can discuss here, this will not be the last time I touch on forgiveness. I am however going to end this here... and poke again through my "Resources" post with other additional thoughts.
I believe that many issues in marriage can be forgiven...If you go by the ten commandments we are required to forgive all things. But, lets take forgiveness to a new step... forgiveness helps calm the hurt that one feels so that they can move forward... forgiveness doesn't mean that all is healed over night, that the past is now suddenly in the past and everything is suddenly perfect again.
If you are in a relationship/marriage and you have done something to your spouse that made him/her feel demeaned or betrayed in any way - Sue Johnson in "Hold Me Tight" calls this an "attachment injury" - if not properly dealt with and healed properly it is really hard to move forward.
So what if it happened days, months, years ago... if it hasn't been dealt with properly, whether there was a heartfelt sorry or not, if there hasn't been mutual communication of the hurt and where it stemmed from and why - and sometimes like Sue Johnson says, you might have to go over the issue more than once to work through the hurt; and for the other who caused the "attachment injury" in the first place to truly care about their spouses hurt, to do whatever it takes for them to prove themselves, to do the I NEEDs from their spouse to help them heal.
Forgiveness can happen, moving forward, strengthening ones marriage can all happen.
I'd like to also dive into the the issues that I know that many marriages face - they want their spouse to stop bringing up their mistake, because it is in the past.
1. have you yourself, the one who made the mistake in the first place - have you made the same mistake over and over and over again? Are the same issues there? How does one push it in the past when it still continues? When the hurt continues? --- If you haven't, you are making the problem worse. You are injuring your spouse further. Telling him or her to put the past in the past and work towards the future is like a slap in the face, no, that doesn't even describe it actually... it is more like stabbing their heart over and over again. --- Care enough to show concern, and love for the hurt you have caused, and help heal your spouse! Do what your spouse needs you to do to help him/her heal.
2. scroll right back up to the whole "attachment injury" part - better yet, read Sue Johnson's book, "Hold Me Tight" she has the formula to forgiveness with "attachment injuries" that is absolutely amazing! Healing needs to take place before positive movement can be made.
3. If the issues are abuse related, you can still forgive that person, but that doesn't mean you have to have anything to do with them. Been there, done that.
This link shows a great Q&A from a therapist on EFT: Healing from past mistakes
There was a time in my life where after I watched this: Forgiveness: My Burden Was Made Light - I had hoped that if I ever encountered a situation where I had to choose to forgive right then and there, that I would have the strength and faith that this man had. And there was a time where I was placed in that position. It was a whirlwind for me, the moment shattered a lot within me in a split second, but after a long breathe, a prayer in my heart I knew for me, for us I had to forgive right then and there and move forward. And I did forgive, and I thought we were moving forward, only I realized years later that I hadn't healed. I still had an "attachment injury" - and with the help of Sue Johnson's "Hold Me Tight" book, I am healing and I can't even tell you how freeing that is... not to mention the insecurity I once felt is being embraced with security again. It is truly a wonderful journey and feeling!
I'm sure like with every other topic we can discuss here, this will not be the last time I touch on forgiveness. I am however going to end this here... and poke again through my "Resources" post with other additional thoughts.
Resources
One of the most troublesome issues that many have been faced with or have gone through is divorce. This is a sensitive subject for me, in that I have been through two myself. And I have family and friends who have been through divorce, are contemplating divorce, or the lack of what is going on in their marriage is headed for divorce. I believe that this is a tough subject for many, who are faced with different circumstances in why ones marriage has come to the decision to divorce. My hope with this article is to share my own understanding of how difficult it is in marriage, what divorce is like, and most importantly share the importance of sticking to your commitment, that marriage is sacred and though it may feel completely opposite of where you stand with your spouse, it is worth fighting for.
Marriage is hard enough without throwing in issues that seem to be unresolvable, that keep cropping up time and time again. In my own situations, I was committed to making it work, no matter what the situation was. One of the problems that came about, was that I was the only one that wanted to work towards something better. The other problems were the actual issues that were going on that continued to get worse. I believe that many issues in marriage can be forgiven, and together you can move forward as a team, no matter the sin or selfish motive that may have been committed. If you are in the right spot with your heart and God, you can forgive your spouse.
I do have to add to this however, that there are some instances where while forgiveness can come about in any situation, if your marriage is to be strengthened, it is on the head of the person who committed the act of whatever it was to put the other spouse in the position of forgiveness. So in other words, just because your spouse forgave you, doesn't mean that your marriage is healed, it doesn't meant that your marriage is strengthened by that forgiveness. The person who committed the issue or issues in the first place needs to not only be aware of what he or she did, but acknowledge their wrong-doing, and then truly seek out the hurt they have caused with their spouse and in their marriage - this fully embraces the forgiveness that you have just received, thus making it become a journey to healing between you and your spouse and strengthening the marriage itself. Your spouse can still forgive you, but if you do not step up to your own acknowledgment and take some action in making something wrong become right again, then there is not going to be a journey to healing or strengthening of your marriage. Forgiveness doesn't automatically make everything better. Forgiveness ultimately is between you the forgiver and God. If the person who committed the issue or issues in the first place wants to better themselves and their marriage, then you have just entered back into a commitment with your spouse and God in your marriage.
No marriage is perfect. No one is perfect, therefore marriage cannot be perfect. I believe that everyone comes into marriage with certain and or different expectations, and when those expectations are not met, you may have feelings that your dreams about what marriage should be are shattered. Communicating to one another what perspectives you both have about marriage and keeping expectations realistic, understanding and respecting one another within these perspectives is a must. Just because you feel something, doesn't mean it goes, especially if the other is uncomfortable with it.
I have found it sad to see so many who feel that the "prize" has been won, so there is no reason to continue to impress, to continue to date, to continue to do the things you did as you were courting, the very things that brought you together, the very things that made you fall in love with one another. One cannot expect to have your marriage bloom if you are not nurturing it. The foundation you started needs to be kept strong, it really is that simple. And perhaps your foundation was shaky when you started out your marriage, but that doesn't mean you can't create a strong foundation now. We all are human and we all make mistakes, and we all should practice forgiveness in those mistakes, no matter how big or small they are. The ticket is, is that we come together and do our best to move forward, becoming better individuals, and better spouses to one another. Part of becoming better individuals is having a relationship with God, putting Him at the top of your priority list and then expanding out from the lessons you learn throughout your life, and with your spouse.
I find that people tend to get comfortable in their routine or lives, and forget that change is important, it is a must, it is going to happen to both of you individually, as well as in your marriage. One cannot expect for any marriage to work if both of you are not willing to make some changes in behalf of your spouse. For example, if you're going to marriage counseling, and the counselor suggests a particular need for change in one or both of you and you don't do it, then you are choosing to keep your marriage stale, you are choosing to not fight for your marriage, you are choosing to hurt your spouse, and you are choosing to be selfish. After all, that truly is why marriages fail, because one or both are being selfish to one degree or another.
Divorce can only be justified in physical, emotional, and spiritually abusive and controlling situations which also is under the category of abuse. No one should ever be abused in any way shape or form. It is one of the most demeaning acts to an individual. It is one of the worst experiences to go through, I know what it feels like, having been there. Marriage takes work as it is, and marriage can be awesome, but when abuse is thrown in on top of everything else it becomes everything that marriage is not intended to be.
Some of the greatest tools I had the opportunity to do before either of the divorces I went through were a marriage retreat, marriage counseling, and marriage classes. Though the things learned in these marriage enriching opportunities were not applied together (both of us working at it together) in either of my first marriages, I learned a great deal about me, about effective communication, about the differences of men and women and how to make those differences be a strength to your marriage versus a weakness. I use the knowledge I learned from these marriage enriching courses in the marriage that I am in now. We work together as a couple, as a team, what a difference that makes in everything you do. We of course are not exempt from the roller coaster that marriages go through, but we get through them the best we can and always come out better in the end.
I believe one of the biggest issues that marriages face, is lack of communication. Something I learned in a class will forever be an instrument of strength to me. It is called The Speaker/Listener Technique. This technique does not come natural, it is something you need to work at, and eventually it will be come a natural part of how you listen and how you speak. I am an analyzer or observer in many ways of myself and of others, this has really been a great tool for me to be able to not only learn more about myself, my responses, and how I can better myself in this technique, but also to truly want to understand and care about what others are saying. The natural response in a discussion that has differing views is to not truly care about what that other person is saying, you are only thinking about your comeback or what you are going to say next, not really what they are expressing. I think that naturally one starts to have that anxiety or anger brewing within themselves instead of keeping it at bay and truly listening, truly understanding, and truly coming together with solutions. Comebacks (what you are going to say next), not caring what the other person is feeling, is not effective communication, nor will it ever be effective in solving issues, or helping your marriage succeed. Marriage Missions International has the Speaker and Listener Rules that you can go over. If you are a visual learner, there is a YouTube video from You&Me.WE. If you can get into a class that is teaching this technique, that would be the most ideal. Again, it does take practice. It does not come natural. But it does work, and it is so much nicer to have an actual conversation without fighting. It is also so nice to be able to really listen to what your spouse has to say, instead of you both being on the defense mode and defending yourself left and right. It is so nice to be able to care about each other, care about what they are saying, and truly taking the time to understand, wanting to understand so that you can work through a problem instead of adding to the fire.
When we fall out of nurturing not only ourselves, but our marriages, people tend to call that falling out of love and then it feels as if there is nothing. But there is something, if you would just give it a go, take some steps, even when you don't necessarily feel like it anymore. When we stop nurturing our marriages, we start finding fault and negativity in each other, and the positive and everything that you fell in love with to marry him or her is deflated. The want to go on in a marriage that is lacking in nurturing qualities, is a marriage on the verge of divorce. The lack of nurturing or caring that goes on in many marriages is absolutely heartbreaking and selfish. Marriage is sacred regardless of what status or stage your marriage might be in, figure it out, understanding we all have faults and we all have room for improvement, it is never just one-sided, although I have seen how the acknowledgment of doing better is lacking more on one of the spouses in the marriage. A lot of times, it is because that spouse who needs to do some changing of their own is portraying that everything that is wrong in the marriage is upon the other spouses head, that in no way you could be responsible for the hardships you have and are enduring. This is where many marriages take wrong turns and go downhill even more.
At the same time, if you are in an abusive relationship and you continue to subject yourself in that relationship you are at fault with yourself for not getting out. And while I know it is hard to leave a potentially scary situation, there are resources out there to help you. There is no excuse for abuse, there is no reason, not even in love (as many abusers like to portray along with their "sweet talk") - none of this should be occurring. You are worth more than what abuse your spouse is dishing out to you. You may be able to forgive your spouse for the abuse that is going on, but that doesn't mean you have to be with him. And for forgiveness to occur in these circumstances it is best to get out and work through what you have endured to be able to take the steps to forgiveness.
Some other resources I would recommend that could enrich your lives and marriage would be the books "Life Balance" by Linda and Richard Eyre, "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, and "The Love Dare" book by Stephen and Alex Kendrick with Lawrence Kimbrough. If you are not familiar with "The Love Dare" book, it originated from the hit movie "Fireproof." It truly is an amazing book. It is a 40-day journey, a 40-day challenge to understand and practice unconditional love. I would also recommend watching the "Fireproof" movie, as it really gives a new perspective and understanding in what unconditional love is, how it is needed in marriage, and it is just emphasizes "The Love Dare" book even more. I think if you are struggling in your marriage, when you initially watch the "Fireproof" movie, you may be thinking about what your spouse needs to gain from watching this, what you think is missing from your spouse and so on. What you really need to be doing is watching it for yourself, what is is that you can do to change, to enhance your marriage, what are the steps you need to do - not the other way around.I believe that every engaged, every married couple should read "The Love Dare" book, and to take the 40-day challenge. It truly is life changing, not only for yourself, but for your marriage. It is absolutely inspirational, it is motivating, it is an eye opener to what love is. Whether your marriage is great, this book will enrich it. If your marriage is at the end of its rope, this book can change your marriage for the better, and also enhance your life. One of my favorite articles from the Ensign, by James E. Faust on "Enriching Your Marriage" He gives some insightful thoughts and questions in regards to helping your marriage be constantly enriched.
Gary Chapman's website also has the availability to receive emails that inspire marriages. I also love The Generous Wife and The Generous Husband websites, of which give suggestions to help strengthen your marriage, and become a better wife and husband. I would caution though with The Generous Wife or The Generous Husband suggestions that though they are great, you might be missing a valuable point in your marriage that you need to look into before you dive into their suggestions. If there are some serious issues in your marriage, doing some of the lovey dovey suggestions may just make your spouse feel more uncomfortable or feel like pushing you away further. Other suggestions in helping your marriage is to look into some marriage classes, marriage retreats (there are night ones, there are overnight ones), and of course marriage counseling. One thing I would advise for the counseling is that if you go to someone that just isn't clicking with you, go to someone new, don't give up.
If you are spiritual or religious or if you're not, perhaps you should consider it, as some of the most simple tools to helping your marriage are God-given gifts to each of us. Include God into your marriage, and it will make a difference. One of the gifts that I think about most is prayer, praying together, praying for each other. Showing love and respect and applying the principles of the Gospel into your life, into your marriage is lifesaving!
Marriage is wonderful. Marriage is difficult at times. Marriage can be bitter if we let ourselves hold grudges and continue to look at the negative. Marriage is a commitment. Marriage is sacred. Marriage is worth fighting for even when you feel like you are at the end of your rope. And marriage is worth nurturing every day whether you are at the end of that rope or your marriage is great - there is always room for improvement!
If you understand love, love never fails.
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