"Put the Past in the Past..." Screech.... Stop... Rethink

I'm sure throughout your lifetime you have heard some of these phrases:

"put the past in the past..."
"forgive and forget..."
...that you or your spouse has learned to "let things go"

I think these phrases have great meaning; but at the same time, I think they take them a little too far with how life really plays out, how life should be treated - marriage should be treated.

"put the past in the past..." -- We can put the past in the past in marriage IF the past has been resolved. If your spouse has hurt you in some way or another, and if it is in the past and you're still hurting from it. Well, it still is an issue because it hasn't been resolved. Issues cannot be put in the past simply because they are in the past.

"forgive and forget..." ---- Likewise, issues that have not been resolved can certainly be forgiven, but impossible to move forward within the marriage when they haven't been dealt with appropriately. What if your spouse feels betrayed by you from the past? Sorry goes a long way, but so does never doing it again, so does doing what they need you to do so they can keep moving forward - if you do something that sends some sort of "alert" signal to them because of something that happened in the past, then you need to know that you should not do that anymore, they NEED that from you. Things cannot be forgotten unless you help them to heal and help them to move forward with the things they need you to do in the process of it all.

...have you learned to "let things go" --- So, you've learned to let things go... have you considered whether that is really all that healthy or not? Perhaps letting things go on small scale like an opinion - perhaps your spouses opinion for something is very important to them in one way or another and your opinion on the matter can just be let go; that can be healthy. But what about something that needs closure (even if it is an opinion), what about an argument, what about whether or not someone was hurt by the situation itself? Then do you let it go? Absolutely not! Even if you feel like you yourself can "let it go" - don't expect that your spouse does. And don't make yourself superior over your spouse because you have "let it go", if you truly have, then work through it because you love your spouse, because you want the marriage to be unified. Don't portray yourself as 'I've let it go, and you haven't so, therefore I have evolved to a higher plain of existence, and because you are still angry with me, you are not as advanced.' This is not a loving relationship, this is rude, it is demeaning, it pushes the marriage and your spouse in the complete opposite direction.

If you've hurt your spouse and you try to move forward, acting like everything is just fine, trying to do those little things that normally would enhance a marriage, tend to be rather annoying and drag down the marriage rather than helping it because the very issue that you may feel should just simply be in the past and be forgiven is actually still very much in the face of your marriage.

I remember in one of my previous marriages, my spouse treating me terribly, never resolving the issue that was incredibly hurtful to me, then treating me nice for a day or so and then wondering why I wasn't being receptive to the niceness he displayed and then asking me when I would be normal again? Here I was hurt beyond anything I can really describe, and a little niceness does not put a bandaid over the hurt at all, in fact it makes it worse because the language coming from this is that his bad behavior should just simply be forgiven, it was no big deal (on the contrary it was) and because he was nice to me suddenly, that my feelings and needs don't matter, and we moving forward is key for him. Yet resolving the issue at hand is key for the marriage, for your spouse. Not doing that just hurts worse, it creates resentment, it makes the issue bigger because you're just hurting them more over the initial hurt you caused. None of it was ever resolved, the issue is still in the face of marriage, and will not be put in the past simply because time is moving forward and in the literal sense it is the past, but in the normal human world of emotions it is not put in the past and must be worked through.

Do you think maybe your spouse's feelings are wrong? That perhaps their reaction or emotion to the incident is wrong? That what they see is not how it is, so again, they are wrong? Have you ever considered how you might look like in front of your spouse? What does your body language speak? How about the tone in your voice? Or even how you speak to them? Body language, tone of voice, and your words can either help your spouse feel secure in the relationship or you might as well just show them your middle finger. Let me ask you this, how can you place your idea of what emotion they feel is right or wrong? Or what they perceived the incident as? Everyone has different perceptions, it doesn't mean it is wrong. Are we not all human? Do we all not feel? Emotions comes in all shapes and sizes, it isn't wrong for your spouse to have emotion. Emotions are a part of life, a part of marriage.

What matters is how we deal with the emotions that either A. create unity in our marriage or B. a wall is placed between you and your spouse. ---- Telling your spouse that their emotions is wrong is putting a wall between the two of you. Not to mention, telling your spouse that their emotions are wrong, are actually putting yourself in the wrong by saying such a thing. Saying such things makes you superior over them, displays that you really don't care one ditty about their feelings. Putting a wall between the two of you comes from not working through issues, and I would like to highlight that working through issues even if you need to bring them back up from the past, does not make it bad. Keeping them in the past without ever working through them is what is bad. Do you want unity in your marriage? Care about them, care about their feelings, understand their feelings, learn to understand their feelings, help them heal by working through it by what they need from you to work through it; and be receptive in their healing, be the person who is on their knees (figuratively speaking) looking up with sincere apology in your heart and soul and want to work together.

The sad part about this is, all too often the spouse who displays superiority over their spouse tends to go unchecked; in that no matter how many times their spouse tries to find unity within the marriage, tries to help resolve the issue(s), even tries to go to therapy to have the marriage get help, the superior spouse doesn't see the wrong and hurtful things they are doing to pretty much dissolve the marriage itself, and to push away their spouse further. The superior spouse finds blame in every direction you can imagine and that blame is placed solely upon their spouses head. When this goes on and the superior spouse never realizes that this kind of contribution to the marriage actually kills the marriage, it also goes along the lines of emotional abuse. How do I know this? Because I've lived in this kind of abuse before, because a marital therapist thoroughly went over "superior" spouses and how it relates to emotional abuse. There is no sugar-coated truth to this, it is simply abuse, and it is wrong to be treated in such a way.

I have seen where some superior spouses realize the error of their ways and they step down from their pedestal to embrace their spouse in love, in kindness, in caring, in wanting to make the marriage work together. And fantastic when they do, fantastic when they humble themselves enough to realize that both spouses have an important role in the marriage, that they are equals.

Even in regular, run-of-the-mill marriages (without abuse situations) hurt feelings, anger, resentment happens and it can't just be felt and then not dealt with. It cannot just be pushed to the past, it must be worked through. If it isn't worked through between you and your spouse, it continues to fester and smoulder negative feelings which does not foster a nurturing feeling within oneself and your marriage as whole. It will always affect how you deal with issues in the here and now until it is resolved, until it is healed. It will also affect your overall feelings towards your spouse and hinder the ability to fully embrace a loving, caring relationship.

Deal with the issue head on. Bringing up the past is exactly what needs to happen, and sometimes you have to discuss that issue more than once, because the person who has been hurt by it has to heal from it. It doesn't simply just go away. Not dealing with it head on, just sours the marriage even more.

If you're not sure of how to deal with issues, if you're not sure how to work them out, get into therapy and I would highly recommend looking into a therapist that specializes in emotional focused therapy (EFT). There are different approaches to therapy and a lot of good can come out of it if you are not one above the other, only if you are willing to become unified in the marriage.

New Hope

There are so many good books, techniques for marital relationships - many of which have really struck the very core of me and had my head nodding in complete agreement.

Recently however, through my first encounter with the therapist, he gave me some homework to read "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. I wasn't sure how I was going to get it at the time... I prefer to own these books, as they are great reference books throughout marriage, but with finances tight at the time I was unable to do that. The city where we live is underway to getting a library, but the closet library next to our city costs a ridiculous amount for a membership each month, so I asked my mom to check this book out from her local library. This book is so popular that there was a wait list for it, I was ninth on that list! I received it two days before the next therapy appointment, this time for both of us. He now gave us the homework to both read "Hold Me Tight", along with some other homework which I'll touch on at on another post.

When our therapist talked to us about how it seems that every time I engage, my husband disengages; and the more I engage, the more he disengages, leaving us in a crazy cycle that gets us no where positive, just further apart. This made complete sense to me, to both of us... and as simple as this enlightening moment was, it was exactly that - a light bulb of sorts went on. I was excited to read this book. I probably could have read it in 2 days; it is one of those books where you just can't put it down... yes, it is that good! But I do have a family to take care of too... It took me about a week to read it. It felt like a roller coaster of emotions, because I could completely relate, and while it gave me sadness to have to delve back into the past because it was old and I already felt blue in the face and not getting anywhere with it.... I could see how it could heal me, how it could heal us. At the same time, it has brought me a light of new hope.

There is a lot of great resources out there for marriage.... much of it has great significance in the help department.... but I always found that while it was all good, there was something deeper to the equation of marital oneness, but I could never really pin point it until I read "Hold Me Tight". It is like this book wraps everything else that I have gained insight with all into one, like the whole package is complete. It was amazing! I highly recommend this book for any marriage.... though like Sue Johnson said in the introduction, this book is not for abusive relationships (remember abuse is not just physical, it is emotional, and spiritual too). This book focuses on the technique Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg came up with called EFT (Emotional Focused Therapy). Here is a great website which explains in more detail of what EFT is all about: What is EFT?

Marriage is worth fighting for, but when you feel like you're disconnected from the other person it is hard to want to do much of anything. I feel like many marriages get into bad caustic cycles; we have been in one without really realizing it until now - like I said, the more I engaged the more he disengaged, even when we weren't even fighting... I was trying to bring into view other techniques I had learned, only the downfall there was my trying to teach him about these seemed to be not working - I think if we both had learned the techniques together, that can make a difference. You can tell your spouse all you want about some profound thing you have discovered that you know would help your marriage, but that doesn't mean they will have the same perspective or know-how to approach how to incorporate it into the marriage. And maybe your perspective or thoughts on trying to incorporate it are good ones, but it may just not be for whatever reason not clicking with your spouse - and that is okay! There are ways to learn how... but pushing the subject the same way over and over again does not work, unless of course you're getting different results, positive ones for that matter.

We learn in EFT that there are underlying reasons or feelings of why we do what we do, why we are in this caustic cycle, and so we get to the heart of it and then learn together to be emotionally focused together. Learning to communicate effectively has always been a goal of mine, we are in essence always communicating to each other - it just may not be too effective, it may come across hurtful, rejected, which then leads to other feelings that just fester within and generally just fuels the fire for the next time spouses don't effectively communicate. No wonder these simple moments tear us apart further, no wonder so many people feel like they fell out of love, no wonder people look for love somewhere else, or just plain get divorced and look elsewhere. I'm not condoning such behavior, but when you get to the heart of it, if we are not doing our part for our spouse 100% of the time, we are chipping away at what could be a stronger foundation day by day. Understanding the underlying reasons of why each of us do what we do - coming up with conversations with I FEEL and I NEED goes a long way and takes out the heat of the situation, and we can then see clearer.

Something I shared with someone close to me while reading the "Hold Me Tight" book was this:

...We are always making decisions throughout our life because of an emotional connection. So, lets leave that there and we are moving forward. Our lack of effective communication is that we are still communicating but it is creating bad feelings because we aren't effectively communicating. Not saying anything at all is communicating to me that he doesn't care, though it means to him that he does care, he just doesn't want to argue about it. It is easier for him to disengage because that is safe for him. And rather than blaming where that comes from, though it can have some emphasis on where he is or I am at now, it isn't necessary to blame; what is necessary is to move forward, but sometimes to move forward we have to express our I FEEL and our I NEED and truly LISTEN to each other and not be on the defense - not thinking about what you are going to say to defend yourself - but to truly listen to what the other is feeling and not categorizing it into some diagnosis either. People simply feel things, and choose to act in the way they do because of where they have been, where they are and where their security is for each situation.

I think my biggest security blanket in this book is that it has made me realize that over the years I became insecure in our marriage, and there is a number of factors of why - regular marital issues that come up that just weren't really resolved, to stepfamily & stepmom issues that were pushed aside. Time after time, it gets old, it gets numb, it gets insecure. At the same time, my husband too had feelings but he doesn't know how to express them and most of the time for him not saying anything was easier because he made a decision from an experience he witnessed that left him feeling like there is no use in talking when nothing positive comes out of it. For me, I am the talker, I drown out what could be a conversation because for a long time if I didn't, there would be silence, and I cannot stand silence because I felt more insecure, I felt like the caring just went out the window, that perhaps I just didn't matter. But I tried to get a response... and again, the more I tried the more he backed away... I just never really knew why. EFT helps the why's get answered, helping us see our spouse in a new light, helping us realize why we really feel the way we do during certain times in our marital journey and attacking them in positive ways so that we really can come together in oneness.

I am really excited to continue with EFT and see where it leads us next. I'm sure this will not be the last time I touch on EFT.