"Put the Past in the Past..." Screech.... Stop... Rethink

I'm sure throughout your lifetime you have heard some of these phrases:

"put the past in the past..."
"forgive and forget..."
...that you or your spouse has learned to "let things go"

I think these phrases have great meaning; but at the same time, I think they take them a little too far with how life really plays out, how life should be treated - marriage should be treated.

"put the past in the past..." -- We can put the past in the past in marriage IF the past has been resolved. If your spouse has hurt you in some way or another, and if it is in the past and you're still hurting from it. Well, it still is an issue because it hasn't been resolved. Issues cannot be put in the past simply because they are in the past.

"forgive and forget..." ---- Likewise, issues that have not been resolved can certainly be forgiven, but impossible to move forward within the marriage when they haven't been dealt with appropriately. What if your spouse feels betrayed by you from the past? Sorry goes a long way, but so does never doing it again, so does doing what they need you to do so they can keep moving forward - if you do something that sends some sort of "alert" signal to them because of something that happened in the past, then you need to know that you should not do that anymore, they NEED that from you. Things cannot be forgotten unless you help them to heal and help them to move forward with the things they need you to do in the process of it all.

...have you learned to "let things go" --- So, you've learned to let things go... have you considered whether that is really all that healthy or not? Perhaps letting things go on small scale like an opinion - perhaps your spouses opinion for something is very important to them in one way or another and your opinion on the matter can just be let go; that can be healthy. But what about something that needs closure (even if it is an opinion), what about an argument, what about whether or not someone was hurt by the situation itself? Then do you let it go? Absolutely not! Even if you feel like you yourself can "let it go" - don't expect that your spouse does. And don't make yourself superior over your spouse because you have "let it go", if you truly have, then work through it because you love your spouse, because you want the marriage to be unified. Don't portray yourself as 'I've let it go, and you haven't so, therefore I have evolved to a higher plain of existence, and because you are still angry with me, you are not as advanced.' This is not a loving relationship, this is rude, it is demeaning, it pushes the marriage and your spouse in the complete opposite direction.

If you've hurt your spouse and you try to move forward, acting like everything is just fine, trying to do those little things that normally would enhance a marriage, tend to be rather annoying and drag down the marriage rather than helping it because the very issue that you may feel should just simply be in the past and be forgiven is actually still very much in the face of your marriage.

I remember in one of my previous marriages, my spouse treating me terribly, never resolving the issue that was incredibly hurtful to me, then treating me nice for a day or so and then wondering why I wasn't being receptive to the niceness he displayed and then asking me when I would be normal again? Here I was hurt beyond anything I can really describe, and a little niceness does not put a bandaid over the hurt at all, in fact it makes it worse because the language coming from this is that his bad behavior should just simply be forgiven, it was no big deal (on the contrary it was) and because he was nice to me suddenly, that my feelings and needs don't matter, and we moving forward is key for him. Yet resolving the issue at hand is key for the marriage, for your spouse. Not doing that just hurts worse, it creates resentment, it makes the issue bigger because you're just hurting them more over the initial hurt you caused. None of it was ever resolved, the issue is still in the face of marriage, and will not be put in the past simply because time is moving forward and in the literal sense it is the past, but in the normal human world of emotions it is not put in the past and must be worked through.

Do you think maybe your spouse's feelings are wrong? That perhaps their reaction or emotion to the incident is wrong? That what they see is not how it is, so again, they are wrong? Have you ever considered how you might look like in front of your spouse? What does your body language speak? How about the tone in your voice? Or even how you speak to them? Body language, tone of voice, and your words can either help your spouse feel secure in the relationship or you might as well just show them your middle finger. Let me ask you this, how can you place your idea of what emotion they feel is right or wrong? Or what they perceived the incident as? Everyone has different perceptions, it doesn't mean it is wrong. Are we not all human? Do we all not feel? Emotions comes in all shapes and sizes, it isn't wrong for your spouse to have emotion. Emotions are a part of life, a part of marriage.

What matters is how we deal with the emotions that either A. create unity in our marriage or B. a wall is placed between you and your spouse. ---- Telling your spouse that their emotions is wrong is putting a wall between the two of you. Not to mention, telling your spouse that their emotions are wrong, are actually putting yourself in the wrong by saying such a thing. Saying such things makes you superior over them, displays that you really don't care one ditty about their feelings. Putting a wall between the two of you comes from not working through issues, and I would like to highlight that working through issues even if you need to bring them back up from the past, does not make it bad. Keeping them in the past without ever working through them is what is bad. Do you want unity in your marriage? Care about them, care about their feelings, understand their feelings, learn to understand their feelings, help them heal by working through it by what they need from you to work through it; and be receptive in their healing, be the person who is on their knees (figuratively speaking) looking up with sincere apology in your heart and soul and want to work together.

The sad part about this is, all too often the spouse who displays superiority over their spouse tends to go unchecked; in that no matter how many times their spouse tries to find unity within the marriage, tries to help resolve the issue(s), even tries to go to therapy to have the marriage get help, the superior spouse doesn't see the wrong and hurtful things they are doing to pretty much dissolve the marriage itself, and to push away their spouse further. The superior spouse finds blame in every direction you can imagine and that blame is placed solely upon their spouses head. When this goes on and the superior spouse never realizes that this kind of contribution to the marriage actually kills the marriage, it also goes along the lines of emotional abuse. How do I know this? Because I've lived in this kind of abuse before, because a marital therapist thoroughly went over "superior" spouses and how it relates to emotional abuse. There is no sugar-coated truth to this, it is simply abuse, and it is wrong to be treated in such a way.

I have seen where some superior spouses realize the error of their ways and they step down from their pedestal to embrace their spouse in love, in kindness, in caring, in wanting to make the marriage work together. And fantastic when they do, fantastic when they humble themselves enough to realize that both spouses have an important role in the marriage, that they are equals.

Even in regular, run-of-the-mill marriages (without abuse situations) hurt feelings, anger, resentment happens and it can't just be felt and then not dealt with. It cannot just be pushed to the past, it must be worked through. If it isn't worked through between you and your spouse, it continues to fester and smoulder negative feelings which does not foster a nurturing feeling within oneself and your marriage as whole. It will always affect how you deal with issues in the here and now until it is resolved, until it is healed. It will also affect your overall feelings towards your spouse and hinder the ability to fully embrace a loving, caring relationship.

Deal with the issue head on. Bringing up the past is exactly what needs to happen, and sometimes you have to discuss that issue more than once, because the person who has been hurt by it has to heal from it. It doesn't simply just go away. Not dealing with it head on, just sours the marriage even more.

If you're not sure of how to deal with issues, if you're not sure how to work them out, get into therapy and I would highly recommend looking into a therapist that specializes in emotional focused therapy (EFT). There are different approaches to therapy and a lot of good can come out of it if you are not one above the other, only if you are willing to become unified in the marriage.

"So you can have a disagreement and still love each other and not get divorced?"

I have always felt that talking in private away from children was good for the marriage, showing respect for one another, putting each other first, and not demeaning each others authority or as a person in light of your children or stepchildren. I still feel that way. However, a new light has come into play for me with this.

Think about this... how did you feel growing up and watching your parents solve or maybe not solve arguments, disagreements, opinions? Did they show you that effective communication could come about with solving issues? Or did they fight and you never saw anything positive come from it? Do you feel negative feelings or positive feelings towards how your own parents handled conflicts in their marriage? Does it feel good to have witnessed what you did with your own parents? Are you affected by their interactions for the good or for the bad?

Now think about your own kids, how do you want them to feel towards you regarding how to handle conflict, disagreements, different opinions etc. Would you like them to feel resentment toward you because of negativity that was displayed between you and your spouse? Would you feel sad or hurt that they felt this way towards you? What can you do to show them that two people can have a disagreement and it be okay - would that be like a new trend? Our therapist said something to the lines of children saying, "So you can have a disagreement and still love each other and not get divorced?" What about just showing them how to work through conflict?

So, what if you don't know how to work through conflict? No matter where you are at in your marriage (unless there is abuse going on) therapy can do wonders with teaching you new ways, new insights, and coming together as one. Sometimes a mediator to show you the way is just what you need. I would also highly recommend to get a therapist who focuses on emotional focused therapy, as talked in the "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson book.

You have to remember that we all have room for improvement, no matter how old you are, no matter how many years you've been married. Get the "tools" you need with each other and work towards a better future for your marriage relationship and for your family. What you display or don't display in front of them goes a long way either negatively or positively in their own life. And yes, just because we are subjects from our past, doesn't mean that we can't change the cycle, it doesn't mean that we can't better ourselves so that we can have good marriage. We don't have to be a carbon copy of something maybe we didn't like in our parents marriage. At the same time, perhaps you found some positive and insightful moments in your parents marriage that you can take and enhance your own marriage as well. And kudos to those parents who showed their kids such positivity! Knowing what our spouse went through as a kid, can help us understand what makes certain aspects of communication hard for them now, but that doesn't mean it has it has to be excused... you can relearn or reprogram yourself to handle situations in the best way for you and your spouse, for your marriage, and for your family.

Some situations should obviously be talked privately between you and your spouse and you should know what those are - most of us are pretty intelligent when it comes to such things. But a new light came on for me recently about discussing even opinions in front of our children /stepchildren. Show them the process of effective communication, learning about the need to understand point of views, and working it through. What a great teaching moment that would be for them, for all of their relationships in life, but especially when they get married.

Would it be great if your kids learned effective communication through you and your spouse? Their parents? And/or bio-parent/step-parent? Would you want your kids to learn effective communication through you and take that into their own marriages in the future? So they can resolve conflicts and strengthen their marriage from the get-go? What an amazing difference that would make in their own lives! What a difference it would make in your own life and marriage!

Dealing with Conflict

How to Deal Effectively With Conflict

This is from the Gary Chapman's Website... One of my favorite books of his is The 5 Love Languages (which I will touch on in another post at a later time). I will from time to time share some articles such as these that just really click. Tell me what you think of this article?