These are more thoughts off of one of my recent blog posts "Choose To Be Happy".
I think there is a happy balance with the phrase "Choose To Be Happy", what I mean by that is this ::
If you were just rude, disrespectful to your spouse or if you hurt your spouses feelings and you did nothing to take responsibility for it - like an acknowledgment that what you did was wrong, in essence an apology, and perhaps letting your spouse air their feelings on how you made them feel - working through the hurt of it all. So, if you didn't do that, and you suddenly became nice and made it seem like nothing ever happened, it doesn't make it all go away. What it does do is create a sense of hurt that you could care less about your spouse, it creates a negative feeling within the marriage and between the two of you. If you were suddenly nice and your spouse wasn't responsive in the way you'd like them to be (loving, nice back etc.), maybe backtrack a bit and see if you didn't follow through with what should have happened. You cannot expect your spouse to suddenly be happy with you because after all, you treated your spouse like crap, turned around and was nice for a moment and expect them to be lovey towards you. You cannot expect them to choose to be happy in spite of rudeness you dished out to them. Life and love does not work that way.
If there is a serious issue in your marriage that has hurt you or your spouse deeply and it has never been resolved. Stop letting it eat at you and resolve it. Choose to apologize to your spouse, choose to listen to your spouse and the hurt that they are feeling, choose to understand, choose to work through it, choose to love and stop hurting, choose to let go of the hurt, resentment, grudges and choose to forgive, choose to learn to love in the way your spouse feels love. Holding onto it isn't doing you or your spouse any good.
Of course, if you expect your spouse to be lovey towards you after all these years of hurt that they've felt and now there is resentment because you never cared about their feelings and you keep trying and trying to get a positive response from them, it seems that most people react the opposite way and the resentment digs deeper. While your spouse is trying to reach out to receive their own love language, and probably trying to show you love, it is actually backfiring with a deeper issue. The spouse that hurt the other spouse and is now trying to do what he or she thinks is best for the marriage, for him or her, or what they are craving within the marriage for themselves is actually digging at the hurt and creating a bigger hole because your spouse over the years has never talked with you regarding the initial hurt they caused. I think sometimes spouses may not have a clue as to why their spouse responds with negativity and the cycle continues. But at the same time, what good are you doing to yourself with resentment? What good is that doing to your relationship and marriage? What about how we cannot be at our best with others when we are not at best with ourselves?
Rudeness, disrespect, resentment, grudges are not love, it does not lift your marriage to new heights, it is does not lift your spouse, it does not lift yourself. It seem that the adversary is against anything positive and will fight you to the death if you go that direction, especially in families. And if your marriage or family is already caught in a spinning tornado, the fury of the adversary is going to hit harder and harder unless you both take the necessary steps to stop the negative cycle. Both of you need to choose... and choose a number of ways for that happiness to just swell within your hearts, which will overflow into your marriage. And sometimes to get the spinning to stop, one of you has to take that step. If you continue to wait for the other and the other doesn't make the step, the spinning will continue. And it isn't just affecting your marriage, but it is affecting both of you individually.
The more you look at the negative aspects of what your spouse is doing, even in light of one event that took place that made an issue that was not resolved, that has hurt you over the years and your spouse has not seemed to care about it, or seem to care about doing their part, or seem to want to change what needs to be changed - do you think holding onto that hurt for yourself or adding to it with things you suddenly aren't liking is going to help you feel better? What about continuing to do your part? Does it suddenly all stop because your spouse isn't doing what you think your spouse should be doing? Do they even know how you're feeling? Or have you just become a wall to them? Is there a bad cycle going on here? Negative feeds negative. Do you think that your feelings towards the hurt are helping the marriage? Maybe you've tried to work through it through therapy? But is therapy for both of you or just one of you? What are your views? Are you there to "fix" the other person, or are you there together, as equals to fix the marriage as a whole? To learn to love each others love language, as well as learn to effectively communicate and to practice unconditional love.
So your spouse hasn't apologized and you don't ever see them doing it. Do you think you might be putting a condition on love (on your part) if this has been going on for several years? I wonder if the spouse that is hurt, could choose to be happy, choose to continue to do their part, and perhaps help get the marriage to a place where the negative cycle beings to stop and the healing from that issue so long ago can take place. Are you happy with where your marriage is at now? Do you want it to continue this way in misery for the next year, 5 years, 10 years? So why not someone make the change that needs to occur. So, while you are still choosing to do your part, you are choosing love and you are choosing to keep your marriage above the water. I'm not saying that when you choose to stop your end of the negative cycle that everything becomes okay, but it does help immensely. Choose it and you will see how much change you feel in yourself, you'll stop having a constant battle within yourself. God did not intend for you to live in resentment, hurt, anxiety. God wants you to be happy, but you have to choose that. And you do have the ability to choose it no matter if your spouse has not apologized to you. Maybe your spouse never will, do you want to sentence yourself to a lifetime of resentment? It is no way to live and is robbing you of all that life and marriage has to offer.
One of my favorite quotes is by Thomas S. Monson :: "Choose your love. Love your choice." It really isn't rocket science. We all make mistakes, we all need to work through them together, forgive and love our choice.
Showing posts with label resentment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label resentment. Show all posts
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Monday, August 22, 2011
"Put the Past in the Past..." Screech.... Stop... Rethink
I'm sure throughout your lifetime you have heard some of these phrases:
"put the past in the past..."
"forgive and forget..."
...that you or your spouse has learned to "let things go"
I think these phrases have great meaning; but at the same time, I think they take them a little too far with how life really plays out, how life should be treated - marriage should be treated.
"put the past in the past..." -- We can put the past in the past in marriage IF the past has been resolved. If your spouse has hurt you in some way or another, and if it is in the past and you're still hurting from it. Well, it still is an issue because it hasn't been resolved. Issues cannot be put in the past simply because they are in the past.
"forgive and forget..." ---- Likewise, issues that have not been resolved can certainly be forgiven, but impossible to move forward within the marriage when they haven't been dealt with appropriately. What if your spouse feels betrayed by you from the past? Sorry goes a long way, but so does never doing it again, so does doing what they need you to do so they can keep moving forward - if you do something that sends some sort of "alert" signal to them because of something that happened in the past, then you need to know that you should not do that anymore, they NEED that from you. Things cannot be forgotten unless you help them to heal and help them to move forward with the things they need you to do in the process of it all.
...have you learned to "let things go" --- So, you've learned to let things go... have you considered whether that is really all that healthy or not? Perhaps letting things go on small scale like an opinion - perhaps your spouses opinion for something is very important to them in one way or another and your opinion on the matter can just be let go; that can be healthy. But what about something that needs closure (even if it is an opinion), what about an argument, what about whether or not someone was hurt by the situation itself? Then do you let it go? Absolutely not! Even if you feel like you yourself can "let it go" - don't expect that your spouse does. And don't make yourself superior over your spouse because you have "let it go", if you truly have, then work through it because you love your spouse, because you want the marriage to be unified. Don't portray yourself as 'I've let it go, and you haven't so, therefore I have evolved to a higher plain of existence, and because you are still angry with me, you are not as advanced.' This is not a loving relationship, this is rude, it is demeaning, it pushes the marriage and your spouse in the complete opposite direction.
If you've hurt your spouse and you try to move forward, acting like everything is just fine, trying to do those little things that normally would enhance a marriage, tend to be rather annoying and drag down the marriage rather than helping it because the very issue that you may feel should just simply be in the past and be forgiven is actually still very much in the face of your marriage.
I remember in one of my previous marriages, my spouse treating me terribly, never resolving the issue that was incredibly hurtful to me, then treating me nice for a day or so and then wondering why I wasn't being receptive to the niceness he displayed and then asking me when I would be normal again? Here I was hurt beyond anything I can really describe, and a little niceness does not put a bandaid over the hurt at all, in fact it makes it worse because the language coming from this is that his bad behavior should just simply be forgiven, it was no big deal (on the contrary it was) and because he was nice to me suddenly, that my feelings and needs don't matter, and we moving forward is key for him. Yet resolving the issue at hand is key for the marriage, for your spouse. Not doing that just hurts worse, it creates resentment, it makes the issue bigger because you're just hurting them more over the initial hurt you caused. None of it was ever resolved, the issue is still in the face of marriage, and will not be put in the past simply because time is moving forward and in the literal sense it is the past, but in the normal human world of emotions it is not put in the past and must be worked through.
Do you think maybe your spouse's feelings are wrong? That perhaps their reaction or emotion to the incident is wrong? That what they see is not how it is, so again, they are wrong? Have you ever considered how you might look like in front of your spouse? What does your body language speak? How about the tone in your voice? Or even how you speak to them? Body language, tone of voice, and your words can either help your spouse feel secure in the relationship or you might as well just show them your middle finger. Let me ask you this, how can you place your idea of what emotion they feel is right or wrong? Or what they perceived the incident as? Everyone has different perceptions, it doesn't mean it is wrong. Are we not all human? Do we all not feel? Emotions comes in all shapes and sizes, it isn't wrong for your spouse to have emotion. Emotions are a part of life, a part of marriage.
What matters is how we deal with the emotions that either A. create unity in our marriage or B. a wall is placed between you and your spouse. ---- Telling your spouse that their emotions is wrong is putting a wall between the two of you. Not to mention, telling your spouse that their emotions are wrong, are actually putting yourself in the wrong by saying such a thing. Saying such things makes you superior over them, displays that you really don't care one ditty about their feelings. Putting a wall between the two of you comes from not working through issues, and I would like to highlight that working through issues even if you need to bring them back up from the past, does not make it bad. Keeping them in the past without ever working through them is what is bad. Do you want unity in your marriage? Care about them, care about their feelings, understand their feelings, learn to understand their feelings, help them heal by working through it by what they need from you to work through it; and be receptive in their healing, be the person who is on their knees (figuratively speaking) looking up with sincere apology in your heart and soul and want to work together.
The sad part about this is, all too often the spouse who displays superiority over their spouse tends to go unchecked; in that no matter how many times their spouse tries to find unity within the marriage, tries to help resolve the issue(s), even tries to go to therapy to have the marriage get help, the superior spouse doesn't see the wrong and hurtful things they are doing to pretty much dissolve the marriage itself, and to push away their spouse further. The superior spouse finds blame in every direction you can imagine and that blame is placed solely upon their spouses head. When this goes on and the superior spouse never realizes that this kind of contribution to the marriage actually kills the marriage, it also goes along the lines of emotional abuse. How do I know this? Because I've lived in this kind of abuse before, because a marital therapist thoroughly went over "superior" spouses and how it relates to emotional abuse. There is no sugar-coated truth to this, it is simply abuse, and it is wrong to be treated in such a way.
I have seen where some superior spouses realize the error of their ways and they step down from their pedestal to embrace their spouse in love, in kindness, in caring, in wanting to make the marriage work together. And fantastic when they do, fantastic when they humble themselves enough to realize that both spouses have an important role in the marriage, that they are equals.
Even in regular, run-of-the-mill marriages (without abuse situations) hurt feelings, anger, resentment happens and it can't just be felt and then not dealt with. It cannot just be pushed to the past, it must be worked through. If it isn't worked through between you and your spouse, it continues to fester and smoulder negative feelings which does not foster a nurturing feeling within oneself and your marriage as whole. It will always affect how you deal with issues in the here and now until it is resolved, until it is healed. It will also affect your overall feelings towards your spouse and hinder the ability to fully embrace a loving, caring relationship.
Deal with the issue head on. Bringing up the past is exactly what needs to happen, and sometimes you have to discuss that issue more than once, because the person who has been hurt by it has to heal from it. It doesn't simply just go away. Not dealing with it head on, just sours the marriage even more.
If you're not sure of how to deal with issues, if you're not sure how to work them out, get into therapy and I would highly recommend looking into a therapist that specializes in emotional focused therapy (EFT). There are different approaches to therapy and a lot of good can come out of it if you are not one above the other, only if you are willing to become unified in the marriage.
"put the past in the past..."
"forgive and forget..."
...that you or your spouse has learned to "let things go"
I think these phrases have great meaning; but at the same time, I think they take them a little too far with how life really plays out, how life should be treated - marriage should be treated.
"put the past in the past..." -- We can put the past in the past in marriage IF the past has been resolved. If your spouse has hurt you in some way or another, and if it is in the past and you're still hurting from it. Well, it still is an issue because it hasn't been resolved. Issues cannot be put in the past simply because they are in the past.
"forgive and forget..." ---- Likewise, issues that have not been resolved can certainly be forgiven, but impossible to move forward within the marriage when they haven't been dealt with appropriately. What if your spouse feels betrayed by you from the past? Sorry goes a long way, but so does never doing it again, so does doing what they need you to do so they can keep moving forward - if you do something that sends some sort of "alert" signal to them because of something that happened in the past, then you need to know that you should not do that anymore, they NEED that from you. Things cannot be forgotten unless you help them to heal and help them to move forward with the things they need you to do in the process of it all.
...have you learned to "let things go" --- So, you've learned to let things go... have you considered whether that is really all that healthy or not? Perhaps letting things go on small scale like an opinion - perhaps your spouses opinion for something is very important to them in one way or another and your opinion on the matter can just be let go; that can be healthy. But what about something that needs closure (even if it is an opinion), what about an argument, what about whether or not someone was hurt by the situation itself? Then do you let it go? Absolutely not! Even if you feel like you yourself can "let it go" - don't expect that your spouse does. And don't make yourself superior over your spouse because you have "let it go", if you truly have, then work through it because you love your spouse, because you want the marriage to be unified. Don't portray yourself as 'I've let it go, and you haven't so, therefore I have evolved to a higher plain of existence, and because you are still angry with me, you are not as advanced.' This is not a loving relationship, this is rude, it is demeaning, it pushes the marriage and your spouse in the complete opposite direction.
If you've hurt your spouse and you try to move forward, acting like everything is just fine, trying to do those little things that normally would enhance a marriage, tend to be rather annoying and drag down the marriage rather than helping it because the very issue that you may feel should just simply be in the past and be forgiven is actually still very much in the face of your marriage.
I remember in one of my previous marriages, my spouse treating me terribly, never resolving the issue that was incredibly hurtful to me, then treating me nice for a day or so and then wondering why I wasn't being receptive to the niceness he displayed and then asking me when I would be normal again? Here I was hurt beyond anything I can really describe, and a little niceness does not put a bandaid over the hurt at all, in fact it makes it worse because the language coming from this is that his bad behavior should just simply be forgiven, it was no big deal (on the contrary it was) and because he was nice to me suddenly, that my feelings and needs don't matter, and we moving forward is key for him. Yet resolving the issue at hand is key for the marriage, for your spouse. Not doing that just hurts worse, it creates resentment, it makes the issue bigger because you're just hurting them more over the initial hurt you caused. None of it was ever resolved, the issue is still in the face of marriage, and will not be put in the past simply because time is moving forward and in the literal sense it is the past, but in the normal human world of emotions it is not put in the past and must be worked through.
Do you think maybe your spouse's feelings are wrong? That perhaps their reaction or emotion to the incident is wrong? That what they see is not how it is, so again, they are wrong? Have you ever considered how you might look like in front of your spouse? What does your body language speak? How about the tone in your voice? Or even how you speak to them? Body language, tone of voice, and your words can either help your spouse feel secure in the relationship or you might as well just show them your middle finger. Let me ask you this, how can you place your idea of what emotion they feel is right or wrong? Or what they perceived the incident as? Everyone has different perceptions, it doesn't mean it is wrong. Are we not all human? Do we all not feel? Emotions comes in all shapes and sizes, it isn't wrong for your spouse to have emotion. Emotions are a part of life, a part of marriage.
What matters is how we deal with the emotions that either A. create unity in our marriage or B. a wall is placed between you and your spouse. ---- Telling your spouse that their emotions is wrong is putting a wall between the two of you. Not to mention, telling your spouse that their emotions are wrong, are actually putting yourself in the wrong by saying such a thing. Saying such things makes you superior over them, displays that you really don't care one ditty about their feelings. Putting a wall between the two of you comes from not working through issues, and I would like to highlight that working through issues even if you need to bring them back up from the past, does not make it bad. Keeping them in the past without ever working through them is what is bad. Do you want unity in your marriage? Care about them, care about their feelings, understand their feelings, learn to understand their feelings, help them heal by working through it by what they need from you to work through it; and be receptive in their healing, be the person who is on their knees (figuratively speaking) looking up with sincere apology in your heart and soul and want to work together.
The sad part about this is, all too often the spouse who displays superiority over their spouse tends to go unchecked; in that no matter how many times their spouse tries to find unity within the marriage, tries to help resolve the issue(s), even tries to go to therapy to have the marriage get help, the superior spouse doesn't see the wrong and hurtful things they are doing to pretty much dissolve the marriage itself, and to push away their spouse further. The superior spouse finds blame in every direction you can imagine and that blame is placed solely upon their spouses head. When this goes on and the superior spouse never realizes that this kind of contribution to the marriage actually kills the marriage, it also goes along the lines of emotional abuse. How do I know this? Because I've lived in this kind of abuse before, because a marital therapist thoroughly went over "superior" spouses and how it relates to emotional abuse. There is no sugar-coated truth to this, it is simply abuse, and it is wrong to be treated in such a way.
I have seen where some superior spouses realize the error of their ways and they step down from their pedestal to embrace their spouse in love, in kindness, in caring, in wanting to make the marriage work together. And fantastic when they do, fantastic when they humble themselves enough to realize that both spouses have an important role in the marriage, that they are equals.
Even in regular, run-of-the-mill marriages (without abuse situations) hurt feelings, anger, resentment happens and it can't just be felt and then not dealt with. It cannot just be pushed to the past, it must be worked through. If it isn't worked through between you and your spouse, it continues to fester and smoulder negative feelings which does not foster a nurturing feeling within oneself and your marriage as whole. It will always affect how you deal with issues in the here and now until it is resolved, until it is healed. It will also affect your overall feelings towards your spouse and hinder the ability to fully embrace a loving, caring relationship.
Deal with the issue head on. Bringing up the past is exactly what needs to happen, and sometimes you have to discuss that issue more than once, because the person who has been hurt by it has to heal from it. It doesn't simply just go away. Not dealing with it head on, just sours the marriage even more.
If you're not sure of how to deal with issues, if you're not sure how to work them out, get into therapy and I would highly recommend looking into a therapist that specializes in emotional focused therapy (EFT). There are different approaches to therapy and a lot of good can come out of it if you are not one above the other, only if you are willing to become unified in the marriage.
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