These are more thoughts off of one of my recent blog posts "Choose To Be Happy".
I think there is a happy balance with the phrase "Choose To Be Happy", what I mean by that is this ::
If you were just rude, disrespectful to your spouse or if you hurt your spouses feelings and you did nothing to take responsibility for it - like an acknowledgment that what you did was wrong, in essence an apology, and perhaps letting your spouse air their feelings on how you made them feel - working through the hurt of it all. So, if you didn't do that, and you suddenly became nice and made it seem like nothing ever happened, it doesn't make it all go away. What it does do is create a sense of hurt that you could care less about your spouse, it creates a negative feeling within the marriage and between the two of you. If you were suddenly nice and your spouse wasn't responsive in the way you'd like them to be (loving, nice back etc.), maybe backtrack a bit and see if you didn't follow through with what should have happened. You cannot expect your spouse to suddenly be happy with you because after all, you treated your spouse like crap, turned around and was nice for a moment and expect them to be lovey towards you. You cannot expect them to choose to be happy in spite of rudeness you dished out to them. Life and love does not work that way.
If there is a serious issue in your marriage that has hurt you or your spouse deeply and it has never been resolved. Stop letting it eat at you and resolve it. Choose to apologize to your spouse, choose to listen to your spouse and the hurt that they are feeling, choose to understand, choose to work through it, choose to love and stop hurting, choose to let go of the hurt, resentment, grudges and choose to forgive, choose to learn to love in the way your spouse feels love. Holding onto it isn't doing you or your spouse any good.
Of course, if you expect your spouse to be lovey towards you after all these years of hurt that they've felt and now there is resentment because you never cared about their feelings and you keep trying and trying to get a positive response from them, it seems that most people react the opposite way and the resentment digs deeper. While your spouse is trying to reach out to receive their own love language, and probably trying to show you love, it is actually backfiring with a deeper issue. The spouse that hurt the other spouse and is now trying to do what he or she thinks is best for the marriage, for him or her, or what they are craving within the marriage for themselves is actually digging at the hurt and creating a bigger hole because your spouse over the years has never talked with you regarding the initial hurt they caused. I think sometimes spouses may not have a clue as to why their spouse responds with negativity and the cycle continues. But at the same time, what good are you doing to yourself with resentment? What good is that doing to your relationship and marriage? What about how we cannot be at our best with others when we are not at best with ourselves?
Rudeness, disrespect, resentment, grudges are not love, it does not lift your marriage to new heights, it is does not lift your spouse, it does not lift yourself. It seem that the adversary is against anything positive and will fight you to the death if you go that direction, especially in families. And if your marriage or family is already caught in a spinning tornado, the fury of the adversary is going to hit harder and harder unless you both take the necessary steps to stop the negative cycle. Both of you need to choose... and choose a number of ways for that happiness to just swell within your hearts, which will overflow into your marriage. And sometimes to get the spinning to stop, one of you has to take that step. If you continue to wait for the other and the other doesn't make the step, the spinning will continue. And it isn't just affecting your marriage, but it is affecting both of you individually.
The more you look at the negative aspects of what your spouse is doing, even in light of one event that took place that made an issue that was not resolved, that has hurt you over the years and your spouse has not seemed to care about it, or seem to care about doing their part, or seem to want to change what needs to be changed - do you think holding onto that hurt for yourself or adding to it with things you suddenly aren't liking is going to help you feel better? What about continuing to do your part? Does it suddenly all stop because your spouse isn't doing what you think your spouse should be doing? Do they even know how you're feeling? Or have you just become a wall to them? Is there a bad cycle going on here? Negative feeds negative. Do you think that your feelings towards the hurt are helping the marriage? Maybe you've tried to work through it through therapy? But is therapy for both of you or just one of you? What are your views? Are you there to "fix" the other person, or are you there together, as equals to fix the marriage as a whole? To learn to love each others love language, as well as learn to effectively communicate and to practice unconditional love.
So your spouse hasn't apologized and you don't ever see them doing it. Do you think you might be putting a condition on love (on your part) if this has been going on for several years? I wonder if the spouse that is hurt, could choose to be happy, choose to continue to do their part, and perhaps help get the marriage to a place where the negative cycle beings to stop and the healing from that issue so long ago can take place. Are you happy with where your marriage is at now? Do you want it to continue this way in misery for the next year, 5 years, 10 years? So why not someone make the change that needs to occur. So, while you are still choosing to do your part, you are choosing love and you are choosing to keep your marriage above the water. I'm not saying that when you choose to stop your end of the negative cycle that everything becomes okay, but it does help immensely. Choose it and you will see how much change you feel in yourself, you'll stop having a constant battle within yourself. God did not intend for you to live in resentment, hurt, anxiety. God wants you to be happy, but you have to choose that. And you do have the ability to choose it no matter if your spouse has not apologized to you. Maybe your spouse never will, do you want to sentence yourself to a lifetime of resentment? It is no way to live and is robbing you of all that life and marriage has to offer.
One of my favorite quotes is by Thomas S. Monson :: "Choose your love. Love your choice." It really isn't rocket science. We all make mistakes, we all need to work through them together, forgive and love our choice.
Showing posts with label unconditional love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label unconditional love. Show all posts
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Waiting for Your Spouse to Make the 1st Move
Are you finished with marital therapy?
How many days out are you and your spouse or yourself is not doing anything that you learned? Do you feel like your high when you left the last appointment at the marital office has been deflated?
Are you waiting for your spouse to make the first move?
Why?
I think this is something that happens quite frequently in marriages after marital therapy. I know I have been in this boat before. But here is the thing, sometimes it may feel scary to jump right in and do the tools you learned in your marital therapy without a 3rd party present. But you must trust in your spouse that what you learned, that good feeling you left with will return over and over again. And the only way have that actually happen is by putting those tools into practice and more practice mode.
Staying silent is just going to lead you both back into a downward spiral and if you haven't put in place your "safety net" (where both of you or one of you even can put up your flag and safely say that things aren't going where they should be, and at that point in time you do a re-evaluation with trying the tools again, and if the tools aren't working like they should be, then you go back to marital therapy for a refresher.) It doesn't mean you have failed, it simply means that you're stuck and you need further assistance. Don't ignore the further assistance and don't brush it off with "we've already been, so what is the point in going again when we've already learned what we need to do." Stuck happens to all of us, make the right choice to make the marriage move forward again. Every marriage, no matter where you are at in your marriage has the wonderful opportunities to become more enhanced - stuck or not.
And what if you start trying, you take that step, but your communication is the same ole', same ole' scenario? Should you quit right then and there? Does it mean that there marital therapy was a waste of time? Does it mean that there is no point in trying anymore? Does it mean that your spouse isn't taking things seriously? Does it mean that your spouse doesn't care about you or your marriage?
NO! The tools you learn in marital therapy don't just suddenly happen overnight, they are not yet a strong foundation in your marriage. You need to be patient with one another, think about what your therapist said to you, and take steps in moving forward. Start your conversation over if you need to. The more you practice the tools, the more the same ole', same ole' scenario that made your marriage go on a downward spiral will be something of the past. The more you use the tools, the more it'll be ingrained in you and eventually you won't have to think about it, it'll just come naturally.
But, something a therapist said once, was something I mentioned above. Make sure you have in place a "safety net" - whether one or both of you are feeling like the tools that you have been using are stuck, if things are stuck you simply need to know that you get back into marital therapy for a refresher. Again, it does not mean you that you have failed in your marriage - all marriages need some enhancement no matter where you are at with your marriage. You need to remember too if one of you only feels stuck and the other doesn't, doesn't mean that your spouse is wrong. This is what she or he is feeling, and that is another reason that safety net is in place - to help you to feel safe with one another when things feel "off" and continue to move forward.
Remembering the why's of how our spouse reacts to certain situations will also give us more patience and understanding in learning a new song and dance, a positive one. It helps us also to remember our part in all this and what we need to be doing. It isn't all about her. It isn't all about him. It is about the both of you, coming together, making a choice to love unconditionally towards one another.
How many days out are you and your spouse or yourself is not doing anything that you learned? Do you feel like your high when you left the last appointment at the marital office has been deflated?
Are you waiting for your spouse to make the first move?
Why?
I think this is something that happens quite frequently in marriages after marital therapy. I know I have been in this boat before. But here is the thing, sometimes it may feel scary to jump right in and do the tools you learned in your marital therapy without a 3rd party present. But you must trust in your spouse that what you learned, that good feeling you left with will return over and over again. And the only way have that actually happen is by putting those tools into practice and more practice mode.
Staying silent is just going to lead you both back into a downward spiral and if you haven't put in place your "safety net" (where both of you or one of you even can put up your flag and safely say that things aren't going where they should be, and at that point in time you do a re-evaluation with trying the tools again, and if the tools aren't working like they should be, then you go back to marital therapy for a refresher.) It doesn't mean you have failed, it simply means that you're stuck and you need further assistance. Don't ignore the further assistance and don't brush it off with "we've already been, so what is the point in going again when we've already learned what we need to do." Stuck happens to all of us, make the right choice to make the marriage move forward again. Every marriage, no matter where you are at in your marriage has the wonderful opportunities to become more enhanced - stuck or not.
And what if you start trying, you take that step, but your communication is the same ole', same ole' scenario? Should you quit right then and there? Does it mean that there marital therapy was a waste of time? Does it mean that there is no point in trying anymore? Does it mean that your spouse isn't taking things seriously? Does it mean that your spouse doesn't care about you or your marriage?
NO! The tools you learn in marital therapy don't just suddenly happen overnight, they are not yet a strong foundation in your marriage. You need to be patient with one another, think about what your therapist said to you, and take steps in moving forward. Start your conversation over if you need to. The more you practice the tools, the more the same ole', same ole' scenario that made your marriage go on a downward spiral will be something of the past. The more you use the tools, the more it'll be ingrained in you and eventually you won't have to think about it, it'll just come naturally.
But, something a therapist said once, was something I mentioned above. Make sure you have in place a "safety net" - whether one or both of you are feeling like the tools that you have been using are stuck, if things are stuck you simply need to know that you get back into marital therapy for a refresher. Again, it does not mean you that you have failed in your marriage - all marriages need some enhancement no matter where you are at with your marriage. You need to remember too if one of you only feels stuck and the other doesn't, doesn't mean that your spouse is wrong. This is what she or he is feeling, and that is another reason that safety net is in place - to help you to feel safe with one another when things feel "off" and continue to move forward.
Remembering the why's of how our spouse reacts to certain situations will also give us more patience and understanding in learning a new song and dance, a positive one. It helps us also to remember our part in all this and what we need to be doing. It isn't all about her. It isn't all about him. It is about the both of you, coming together, making a choice to love unconditionally towards one another.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Make a Better Choice
I came across a link to a blog post on my Facebook news feed. It has been a topic that has been on my mind, mainly due to someone close to me that is struggling with their own marriage for several different reasons. But, overall I believe this [being right for both spouses] is a core of why many marriages struggle. I highly recommend for you to read this ::
Marriage Is For Losers
My own thoughts about this subject is how many spouses are arguing their point only, they both want to be right - instead of caring about the other person's feelings. I find that sometimes spouses feel that nothing that comes out of their spouses mouth is right, that their point of view is not right, that their feelings are not right or construed to something that shouldn't be. But who are you to tell your spouse how they should or shouldn't feel? Who are you to tell them that their point of view is wrong? Everyone perceives things differently at times, and that doesn't make it wrong. Something a therapist told me once is something that has always stuck in my mind regarding this subject. He said, "if you have 5 people on a corner and there was a head-on collision in the intersection, how many stories would you hear of how it happened? --- Five, because they all felt and saw things differently. It doesn't mean it is wrong, their point of view is right for them." The thing that we have to come to understand is the feelings of the individual, and in talking about marriages, you have to come to understand your spouses feelings as their feelings, that they have a right to them, and that your responsibility is to not tell them they are wrong, but to learn to understand and truly make the choice to care about how they are feeling, be there for them, and work through it. Many spouses are thinking about their comeback to what their spouse just said that boiled their insides - instead of thinking about and trying to understand their feelings and point of view.
Between the therapists I've been to before my divorces to a therapist my now husband and I have been to recently to enhance our marriage, I have let the words and tools given flow throughout my mind, heart, and soul and have let it sink in like a sponge. I'm not sure how to even describe it, but they are tools that I hang onto, tools that I know and can see in other marriages work well. I see it in my own, how much we've grown and been strengthened by some decisions we made to make life overall better. I have always been good at reading people, perhaps a gift that I have been given, but it is something that I can pull from all the tools I have learned and apply them to not only my own life, but to others.
I believe that in choosing to change ones attitude towards your spouse, towards your marriage can go along way and can save a marriage. I believe that choosing to care about your spouse, choosing to love him or her can save your marriage. I believe that letting go of "facts" and looking at and working towards healing hurt and open wounds from the past (if it is still hindering your marriage now) can save your marriage.
What is hurting you the most? What is hurting the center of your marriage, what is crumbling the very foundation of your marriage? When you make the decision to stop belittling, to stop being right, to stop pointing the finger, to stop silencing your spouse, to stop having the next comeback, amongst so many other things; and to start to love, to care you will be able to piece back the foundation of your marriage, you will be able to grow in love and strength. But until then, if you keep on the road you've been walking, you will not get ahead - your dignity will be lost within the walls of something other than what God intended marriage to be. The first step is to make the better choice.
Marriage Is For Losers
My own thoughts about this subject is how many spouses are arguing their point only, they both want to be right - instead of caring about the other person's feelings. I find that sometimes spouses feel that nothing that comes out of their spouses mouth is right, that their point of view is not right, that their feelings are not right or construed to something that shouldn't be. But who are you to tell your spouse how they should or shouldn't feel? Who are you to tell them that their point of view is wrong? Everyone perceives things differently at times, and that doesn't make it wrong. Something a therapist told me once is something that has always stuck in my mind regarding this subject. He said, "if you have 5 people on a corner and there was a head-on collision in the intersection, how many stories would you hear of how it happened? --- Five, because they all felt and saw things differently. It doesn't mean it is wrong, their point of view is right for them." The thing that we have to come to understand is the feelings of the individual, and in talking about marriages, you have to come to understand your spouses feelings as their feelings, that they have a right to them, and that your responsibility is to not tell them they are wrong, but to learn to understand and truly make the choice to care about how they are feeling, be there for them, and work through it. Many spouses are thinking about their comeback to what their spouse just said that boiled their insides - instead of thinking about and trying to understand their feelings and point of view.
Between the therapists I've been to before my divorces to a therapist my now husband and I have been to recently to enhance our marriage, I have let the words and tools given flow throughout my mind, heart, and soul and have let it sink in like a sponge. I'm not sure how to even describe it, but they are tools that I hang onto, tools that I know and can see in other marriages work well. I see it in my own, how much we've grown and been strengthened by some decisions we made to make life overall better. I have always been good at reading people, perhaps a gift that I have been given, but it is something that I can pull from all the tools I have learned and apply them to not only my own life, but to others.
I believe that in choosing to change ones attitude towards your spouse, towards your marriage can go along way and can save a marriage. I believe that choosing to care about your spouse, choosing to love him or her can save your marriage. I believe that letting go of "facts" and looking at and working towards healing hurt and open wounds from the past (if it is still hindering your marriage now) can save your marriage.
What is hurting you the most? What is hurting the center of your marriage, what is crumbling the very foundation of your marriage? When you make the decision to stop belittling, to stop being right, to stop pointing the finger, to stop silencing your spouse, to stop having the next comeback, amongst so many other things; and to start to love, to care you will be able to piece back the foundation of your marriage, you will be able to grow in love and strength. But until then, if you keep on the road you've been walking, you will not get ahead - your dignity will be lost within the walls of something other than what God intended marriage to be. The first step is to make the better choice.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Unconditional Love
One of my favorite movies is "Fireproof" and then the book that comes directly out of that movie, "The Love Dare." I'm sure that I cannot adequately describe the feelings that go into that movie, as well as what one can get out of it, as well as what I got out of the first time I watched Fireproof, and then read The Love Dare. It is amazing in every aspect, it hits home and connects to a lot of people individually and together within marriages. It is heart wrenching, yet motivating.
I have been thinking about unconditional love. (Of course if you are in an abusive relationship, this does not apply to you.) So, you fell in love and those euphoric love feelings of newlywed bliss has slipped under the rug, fallen off a cliff perhaps. Now what? Fireproof your marriage, do the Love Dare.... But what if your spouse never comes around with your attempts to fireproof the marriage, or do the love dare? Then what? I think many people turn to divorce at this point in time. What happened to for better or worse, in sickness and in health etc.? I think divorce is the easy way out, though divorce is not easy and neither is remarriage. It is hard to move forward alone, and have that unconditional love outlook, when there could be so much more and it is disheartening when there isn't or when you continue to hope and it never comes. At this point in time, I think people tend to put walls up so that the hurt of it all doesn't bombard you day-in and day-out, so that you can function on a daily basis. Emotional walls however are not healthy for anyone, but sometimes a must when you just have to do what you have to do. So, if one has to do that, how does one incorporate unconditional love into the picture? I don't have the answers to this whole thing. Just pondering it. What are your thoughts on this subject?
I think it is possible and necessary to have unconditional love, it isn't easy when you might feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. Just because your spouse isn't putting forth the efforts to make the marriage what it should be, doesn't mean that you have to stop. Though hard to engage into something that makes things questionable in your mind, that you've been hurt with, and eventually might make you feel numb too. This is me, I analyze situations whether they be what I've been through in the past, what I've been through now, or what others have or are going through.
If you are hurting and you haven't seen Fireproof, I highly recommend it. And if you have, see it again! Another great motivating movie in trialing times would be Facing the Giants.
I have been thinking about unconditional love. (Of course if you are in an abusive relationship, this does not apply to you.) So, you fell in love and those euphoric love feelings of newlywed bliss has slipped under the rug, fallen off a cliff perhaps. Now what? Fireproof your marriage, do the Love Dare.... But what if your spouse never comes around with your attempts to fireproof the marriage, or do the love dare? Then what? I think many people turn to divorce at this point in time. What happened to for better or worse, in sickness and in health etc.? I think divorce is the easy way out, though divorce is not easy and neither is remarriage. It is hard to move forward alone, and have that unconditional love outlook, when there could be so much more and it is disheartening when there isn't or when you continue to hope and it never comes. At this point in time, I think people tend to put walls up so that the hurt of it all doesn't bombard you day-in and day-out, so that you can function on a daily basis. Emotional walls however are not healthy for anyone, but sometimes a must when you just have to do what you have to do. So, if one has to do that, how does one incorporate unconditional love into the picture? I don't have the answers to this whole thing. Just pondering it. What are your thoughts on this subject?
I think it is possible and necessary to have unconditional love, it isn't easy when you might feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. Just because your spouse isn't putting forth the efforts to make the marriage what it should be, doesn't mean that you have to stop. Though hard to engage into something that makes things questionable in your mind, that you've been hurt with, and eventually might make you feel numb too. This is me, I analyze situations whether they be what I've been through in the past, what I've been through now, or what others have or are going through.
If you are hurting and you haven't seen Fireproof, I highly recommend it. And if you have, see it again! Another great motivating movie in trialing times would be Facing the Giants.
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