Came across a Vimeo video on FB today on "How to have a Stronger Marriage". It is very worth your time to sit down and watch - whether it is before marriage or no matter where you are at in your marriage. Dave Willis, a Teaching Pastor at Sevens Creek Church, the founder of the Facebook marriage page (StrongerMarriages.org) and the author of "iVow: Secrets to a Stronger Marriage" - he really creates a perfect visual of what we as spouses should be doing in marriage.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Friday, July 26, 2013
Friday, March 16, 2012
Waiting for Your Spouse to Make the 1st Move
Are you finished with marital therapy?
How many days out are you and your spouse or yourself is not doing anything that you learned? Do you feel like your high when you left the last appointment at the marital office has been deflated?
Are you waiting for your spouse to make the first move?
Why?
I think this is something that happens quite frequently in marriages after marital therapy. I know I have been in this boat before. But here is the thing, sometimes it may feel scary to jump right in and do the tools you learned in your marital therapy without a 3rd party present. But you must trust in your spouse that what you learned, that good feeling you left with will return over and over again. And the only way have that actually happen is by putting those tools into practice and more practice mode.
Staying silent is just going to lead you both back into a downward spiral and if you haven't put in place your "safety net" (where both of you or one of you even can put up your flag and safely say that things aren't going where they should be, and at that point in time you do a re-evaluation with trying the tools again, and if the tools aren't working like they should be, then you go back to marital therapy for a refresher.) It doesn't mean you have failed, it simply means that you're stuck and you need further assistance. Don't ignore the further assistance and don't brush it off with "we've already been, so what is the point in going again when we've already learned what we need to do." Stuck happens to all of us, make the right choice to make the marriage move forward again. Every marriage, no matter where you are at in your marriage has the wonderful opportunities to become more enhanced - stuck or not.
And what if you start trying, you take that step, but your communication is the same ole', same ole' scenario? Should you quit right then and there? Does it mean that there marital therapy was a waste of time? Does it mean that there is no point in trying anymore? Does it mean that your spouse isn't taking things seriously? Does it mean that your spouse doesn't care about you or your marriage?
NO! The tools you learn in marital therapy don't just suddenly happen overnight, they are not yet a strong foundation in your marriage. You need to be patient with one another, think about what your therapist said to you, and take steps in moving forward. Start your conversation over if you need to. The more you practice the tools, the more the same ole', same ole' scenario that made your marriage go on a downward spiral will be something of the past. The more you use the tools, the more it'll be ingrained in you and eventually you won't have to think about it, it'll just come naturally.
But, something a therapist said once, was something I mentioned above. Make sure you have in place a "safety net" - whether one or both of you are feeling like the tools that you have been using are stuck, if things are stuck you simply need to know that you get back into marital therapy for a refresher. Again, it does not mean you that you have failed in your marriage - all marriages need some enhancement no matter where you are at with your marriage. You need to remember too if one of you only feels stuck and the other doesn't, doesn't mean that your spouse is wrong. This is what she or he is feeling, and that is another reason that safety net is in place - to help you to feel safe with one another when things feel "off" and continue to move forward.
Remembering the why's of how our spouse reacts to certain situations will also give us more patience and understanding in learning a new song and dance, a positive one. It helps us also to remember our part in all this and what we need to be doing. It isn't all about her. It isn't all about him. It is about the both of you, coming together, making a choice to love unconditionally towards one another.
How many days out are you and your spouse or yourself is not doing anything that you learned? Do you feel like your high when you left the last appointment at the marital office has been deflated?
Are you waiting for your spouse to make the first move?
Why?
I think this is something that happens quite frequently in marriages after marital therapy. I know I have been in this boat before. But here is the thing, sometimes it may feel scary to jump right in and do the tools you learned in your marital therapy without a 3rd party present. But you must trust in your spouse that what you learned, that good feeling you left with will return over and over again. And the only way have that actually happen is by putting those tools into practice and more practice mode.
Staying silent is just going to lead you both back into a downward spiral and if you haven't put in place your "safety net" (where both of you or one of you even can put up your flag and safely say that things aren't going where they should be, and at that point in time you do a re-evaluation with trying the tools again, and if the tools aren't working like they should be, then you go back to marital therapy for a refresher.) It doesn't mean you have failed, it simply means that you're stuck and you need further assistance. Don't ignore the further assistance and don't brush it off with "we've already been, so what is the point in going again when we've already learned what we need to do." Stuck happens to all of us, make the right choice to make the marriage move forward again. Every marriage, no matter where you are at in your marriage has the wonderful opportunities to become more enhanced - stuck or not.
And what if you start trying, you take that step, but your communication is the same ole', same ole' scenario? Should you quit right then and there? Does it mean that there marital therapy was a waste of time? Does it mean that there is no point in trying anymore? Does it mean that your spouse isn't taking things seriously? Does it mean that your spouse doesn't care about you or your marriage?
NO! The tools you learn in marital therapy don't just suddenly happen overnight, they are not yet a strong foundation in your marriage. You need to be patient with one another, think about what your therapist said to you, and take steps in moving forward. Start your conversation over if you need to. The more you practice the tools, the more the same ole', same ole' scenario that made your marriage go on a downward spiral will be something of the past. The more you use the tools, the more it'll be ingrained in you and eventually you won't have to think about it, it'll just come naturally.
But, something a therapist said once, was something I mentioned above. Make sure you have in place a "safety net" - whether one or both of you are feeling like the tools that you have been using are stuck, if things are stuck you simply need to know that you get back into marital therapy for a refresher. Again, it does not mean you that you have failed in your marriage - all marriages need some enhancement no matter where you are at with your marriage. You need to remember too if one of you only feels stuck and the other doesn't, doesn't mean that your spouse is wrong. This is what she or he is feeling, and that is another reason that safety net is in place - to help you to feel safe with one another when things feel "off" and continue to move forward.
Remembering the why's of how our spouse reacts to certain situations will also give us more patience and understanding in learning a new song and dance, a positive one. It helps us also to remember our part in all this and what we need to be doing. It isn't all about her. It isn't all about him. It is about the both of you, coming together, making a choice to love unconditionally towards one another.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Resources
One of the most troublesome issues that many have been faced with or have gone through is divorce. This is a sensitive subject for me, in that I have been through two myself. And I have family and friends who have been through divorce, are contemplating divorce, or the lack of what is going on in their marriage is headed for divorce. I believe that this is a tough subject for many, who are faced with different circumstances in why ones marriage has come to the decision to divorce. My hope with this article is to share my own understanding of how difficult it is in marriage, what divorce is like, and most importantly share the importance of sticking to your commitment, that marriage is sacred and though it may feel completely opposite of where you stand with your spouse, it is worth fighting for.
Marriage is hard enough without throwing in issues that seem to be unresolvable, that keep cropping up time and time again. In my own situations, I was committed to making it work, no matter what the situation was. One of the problems that came about, was that I was the only one that wanted to work towards something better. The other problems were the actual issues that were going on that continued to get worse. I believe that many issues in marriage can be forgiven, and together you can move forward as a team, no matter the sin or selfish motive that may have been committed. If you are in the right spot with your heart and God, you can forgive your spouse.
I do have to add to this however, that there are some instances where while forgiveness can come about in any situation, if your marriage is to be strengthened, it is on the head of the person who committed the act of whatever it was to put the other spouse in the position of forgiveness. So in other words, just because your spouse forgave you, doesn't mean that your marriage is healed, it doesn't meant that your marriage is strengthened by that forgiveness. The person who committed the issue or issues in the first place needs to not only be aware of what he or she did, but acknowledge their wrong-doing, and then truly seek out the hurt they have caused with their spouse and in their marriage - this fully embraces the forgiveness that you have just received, thus making it become a journey to healing between you and your spouse and strengthening the marriage itself. Your spouse can still forgive you, but if you do not step up to your own acknowledgment and take some action in making something wrong become right again, then there is not going to be a journey to healing or strengthening of your marriage. Forgiveness doesn't automatically make everything better. Forgiveness ultimately is between you the forgiver and God. If the person who committed the issue or issues in the first place wants to better themselves and their marriage, then you have just entered back into a commitment with your spouse and God in your marriage.
No marriage is perfect. No one is perfect, therefore marriage cannot be perfect. I believe that everyone comes into marriage with certain and or different expectations, and when those expectations are not met, you may have feelings that your dreams about what marriage should be are shattered. Communicating to one another what perspectives you both have about marriage and keeping expectations realistic, understanding and respecting one another within these perspectives is a must. Just because you feel something, doesn't mean it goes, especially if the other is uncomfortable with it.
I have found it sad to see so many who feel that the "prize" has been won, so there is no reason to continue to impress, to continue to date, to continue to do the things you did as you were courting, the very things that brought you together, the very things that made you fall in love with one another. One cannot expect to have your marriage bloom if you are not nurturing it. The foundation you started needs to be kept strong, it really is that simple. And perhaps your foundation was shaky when you started out your marriage, but that doesn't mean you can't create a strong foundation now. We all are human and we all make mistakes, and we all should practice forgiveness in those mistakes, no matter how big or small they are. The ticket is, is that we come together and do our best to move forward, becoming better individuals, and better spouses to one another. Part of becoming better individuals is having a relationship with God, putting Him at the top of your priority list and then expanding out from the lessons you learn throughout your life, and with your spouse.
I find that people tend to get comfortable in their routine or lives, and forget that change is important, it is a must, it is going to happen to both of you individually, as well as in your marriage. One cannot expect for any marriage to work if both of you are not willing to make some changes in behalf of your spouse. For example, if you're going to marriage counseling, and the counselor suggests a particular need for change in one or both of you and you don't do it, then you are choosing to keep your marriage stale, you are choosing to not fight for your marriage, you are choosing to hurt your spouse, and you are choosing to be selfish. After all, that truly is why marriages fail, because one or both are being selfish to one degree or another.
Divorce can only be justified in physical, emotional, and spiritually abusive and controlling situations which also is under the category of abuse. No one should ever be abused in any way shape or form. It is one of the most demeaning acts to an individual. It is one of the worst experiences to go through, I know what it feels like, having been there. Marriage takes work as it is, and marriage can be awesome, but when abuse is thrown in on top of everything else it becomes everything that marriage is not intended to be.
Some of the greatest tools I had the opportunity to do before either of the divorces I went through were a marriage retreat, marriage counseling, and marriage classes. Though the things learned in these marriage enriching opportunities were not applied together (both of us working at it together) in either of my first marriages, I learned a great deal about me, about effective communication, about the differences of men and women and how to make those differences be a strength to your marriage versus a weakness. I use the knowledge I learned from these marriage enriching courses in the marriage that I am in now. We work together as a couple, as a team, what a difference that makes in everything you do. We of course are not exempt from the roller coaster that marriages go through, but we get through them the best we can and always come out better in the end.
I believe one of the biggest issues that marriages face, is lack of communication. Something I learned in a class will forever be an instrument of strength to me. It is called The Speaker/Listener Technique. This technique does not come natural, it is something you need to work at, and eventually it will be come a natural part of how you listen and how you speak. I am an analyzer or observer in many ways of myself and of others, this has really been a great tool for me to be able to not only learn more about myself, my responses, and how I can better myself in this technique, but also to truly want to understand and care about what others are saying. The natural response in a discussion that has differing views is to not truly care about what that other person is saying, you are only thinking about your comeback or what you are going to say next, not really what they are expressing. I think that naturally one starts to have that anxiety or anger brewing within themselves instead of keeping it at bay and truly listening, truly understanding, and truly coming together with solutions. Comebacks (what you are going to say next), not caring what the other person is feeling, is not effective communication, nor will it ever be effective in solving issues, or helping your marriage succeed. Marriage Missions International has the Speaker and Listener Rules that you can go over. If you are a visual learner, there is a YouTube video from You&Me.WE. If you can get into a class that is teaching this technique, that would be the most ideal. Again, it does take practice. It does not come natural. But it does work, and it is so much nicer to have an actual conversation without fighting. It is also so nice to be able to really listen to what your spouse has to say, instead of you both being on the defense mode and defending yourself left and right. It is so nice to be able to care about each other, care about what they are saying, and truly taking the time to understand, wanting to understand so that you can work through a problem instead of adding to the fire.
When we fall out of nurturing not only ourselves, but our marriages, people tend to call that falling out of love and then it feels as if there is nothing. But there is something, if you would just give it a go, take some steps, even when you don't necessarily feel like it anymore. When we stop nurturing our marriages, we start finding fault and negativity in each other, and the positive and everything that you fell in love with to marry him or her is deflated. The want to go on in a marriage that is lacking in nurturing qualities, is a marriage on the verge of divorce. The lack of nurturing or caring that goes on in many marriages is absolutely heartbreaking and selfish. Marriage is sacred regardless of what status or stage your marriage might be in, figure it out, understanding we all have faults and we all have room for improvement, it is never just one-sided, although I have seen how the acknowledgment of doing better is lacking more on one of the spouses in the marriage. A lot of times, it is because that spouse who needs to do some changing of their own is portraying that everything that is wrong in the marriage is upon the other spouses head, that in no way you could be responsible for the hardships you have and are enduring. This is where many marriages take wrong turns and go downhill even more.
At the same time, if you are in an abusive relationship and you continue to subject yourself in that relationship you are at fault with yourself for not getting out. And while I know it is hard to leave a potentially scary situation, there are resources out there to help you. There is no excuse for abuse, there is no reason, not even in love (as many abusers like to portray along with their "sweet talk") - none of this should be occurring. You are worth more than what abuse your spouse is dishing out to you. You may be able to forgive your spouse for the abuse that is going on, but that doesn't mean you have to be with him. And for forgiveness to occur in these circumstances it is best to get out and work through what you have endured to be able to take the steps to forgiveness.
Some other resources I would recommend that could enrich your lives and marriage would be the books "Life Balance" by Linda and Richard Eyre, "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, and "The Love Dare" book by Stephen and Alex Kendrick with Lawrence Kimbrough. If you are not familiar with "The Love Dare" book, it originated from the hit movie "Fireproof." It truly is an amazing book. It is a 40-day journey, a 40-day challenge to understand and practice unconditional love. I would also recommend watching the "Fireproof" movie, as it really gives a new perspective and understanding in what unconditional love is, how it is needed in marriage, and it is just emphasizes "The Love Dare" book even more. I think if you are struggling in your marriage, when you initially watch the "Fireproof" movie, you may be thinking about what your spouse needs to gain from watching this, what you think is missing from your spouse and so on. What you really need to be doing is watching it for yourself, what is is that you can do to change, to enhance your marriage, what are the steps you need to do - not the other way around.I believe that every engaged, every married couple should read "The Love Dare" book, and to take the 40-day challenge. It truly is life changing, not only for yourself, but for your marriage. It is absolutely inspirational, it is motivating, it is an eye opener to what love is. Whether your marriage is great, this book will enrich it. If your marriage is at the end of its rope, this book can change your marriage for the better, and also enhance your life. One of my favorite articles from the Ensign, by James E. Faust on "Enriching Your Marriage" He gives some insightful thoughts and questions in regards to helping your marriage be constantly enriched.
Gary Chapman's website also has the availability to receive emails that inspire marriages. I also love The Generous Wife and The Generous Husband websites, of which give suggestions to help strengthen your marriage, and become a better wife and husband. I would caution though with The Generous Wife or The Generous Husband suggestions that though they are great, you might be missing a valuable point in your marriage that you need to look into before you dive into their suggestions. If there are some serious issues in your marriage, doing some of the lovey dovey suggestions may just make your spouse feel more uncomfortable or feel like pushing you away further. Other suggestions in helping your marriage is to look into some marriage classes, marriage retreats (there are night ones, there are overnight ones), and of course marriage counseling. One thing I would advise for the counseling is that if you go to someone that just isn't clicking with you, go to someone new, don't give up.
If you are spiritual or religious or if you're not, perhaps you should consider it, as some of the most simple tools to helping your marriage are God-given gifts to each of us. Include God into your marriage, and it will make a difference. One of the gifts that I think about most is prayer, praying together, praying for each other. Showing love and respect and applying the principles of the Gospel into your life, into your marriage is lifesaving!
Marriage is wonderful. Marriage is difficult at times. Marriage can be bitter if we let ourselves hold grudges and continue to look at the negative. Marriage is a commitment. Marriage is sacred. Marriage is worth fighting for even when you feel like you are at the end of your rope. And marriage is worth nurturing every day whether you are at the end of that rope or your marriage is great - there is always room for improvement!
If you understand love, love never fails.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
The Ideal
Society tells us what the ideal marriage is.
But what is your ideas of an ideal marriage? What about your spouses?
Where do you see your ideal marriage in 5 years, in 10 years, in 50 years?
This is one of the homework assignments we have had. Marriage is different for everyone. What may be perfect for myself and my husband, may not be all that perfect for you. Take the media and society and whatever out of it and make it your own. Make what works for you.
Have you ever seen the show Everyone Loves Raymond? What is your views on Raymond's parents? They seem pretty hostile towards each other, unloving, disrespectful of each other would be my first impression. But what may seem like a bad marriage on the outside, look at how long they have been married (on the show)... There is an episode where Raymond and Marie (I think that is her name) where they see his parents really meshing together, they know each other so well, that they know how to be there for each other - though on the outside looking in, it may seem completely different.
Perhaps you might say that some marriage stick together because of the generation they are in and perhaps that is the case in many marriages, but good for that generation - in many regards... Much of the marriages that stick it out for the generations have taken their vows or their covenants seriously... it isn't just something to be tossed aside, even when there may be feelings of lack of love between the couple. There is a reason for that, delve into the reason, fix the reason and move forward.
What I am getting at is that your ideal is different from someone else... and that is perfectly fine. We aren't in marriage to one up the Joneses in what ideal is, because everyone is different, everyone has different needs, different wants.
My challenge for you is to answer these questions to gain new insight in what your spouse desires and move forward!
But what is your ideas of an ideal marriage? What about your spouses?
Where do you see your ideal marriage in 5 years, in 10 years, in 50 years?
This is one of the homework assignments we have had. Marriage is different for everyone. What may be perfect for myself and my husband, may not be all that perfect for you. Take the media and society and whatever out of it and make it your own. Make what works for you.
Have you ever seen the show Everyone Loves Raymond? What is your views on Raymond's parents? They seem pretty hostile towards each other, unloving, disrespectful of each other would be my first impression. But what may seem like a bad marriage on the outside, look at how long they have been married (on the show)... There is an episode where Raymond and Marie (I think that is her name) where they see his parents really meshing together, they know each other so well, that they know how to be there for each other - though on the outside looking in, it may seem completely different.
Perhaps you might say that some marriage stick together because of the generation they are in and perhaps that is the case in many marriages, but good for that generation - in many regards... Much of the marriages that stick it out for the generations have taken their vows or their covenants seriously... it isn't just something to be tossed aside, even when there may be feelings of lack of love between the couple. There is a reason for that, delve into the reason, fix the reason and move forward.
What I am getting at is that your ideal is different from someone else... and that is perfectly fine. We aren't in marriage to one up the Joneses in what ideal is, because everyone is different, everyone has different needs, different wants.
My challenge for you is to answer these questions to gain new insight in what your spouse desires and move forward!
New Hope
There are so many good books, techniques for marital relationships - many of which have really struck the very core of me and had my head nodding in complete agreement.
Recently however, through my first encounter with the therapist, he gave me some homework to read "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. I wasn't sure how I was going to get it at the time... I prefer to own these books, as they are great reference books throughout marriage, but with finances tight at the time I was unable to do that. The city where we live is underway to getting a library, but the closet library next to our city costs a ridiculous amount for a membership each month, so I asked my mom to check this book out from her local library. This book is so popular that there was a wait list for it, I was ninth on that list! I received it two days before the next therapy appointment, this time for both of us. He now gave us the homework to both read "Hold Me Tight", along with some other homework which I'll touch on at on another post.
When our therapist talked to us about how it seems that every time I engage, my husband disengages; and the more I engage, the more he disengages, leaving us in a crazy cycle that gets us no where positive, just further apart. This made complete sense to me, to both of us... and as simple as this enlightening moment was, it was exactly that - a light bulb of sorts went on. I was excited to read this book. I probably could have read it in 2 days; it is one of those books where you just can't put it down... yes, it is that good! But I do have a family to take care of too... It took me about a week to read it. It felt like a roller coaster of emotions, because I could completely relate, and while it gave me sadness to have to delve back into the past because it was old and I already felt blue in the face and not getting anywhere with it.... I could see how it could heal me, how it could heal us. At the same time, it has brought me a light of new hope.
There is a lot of great resources out there for marriage.... much of it has great significance in the help department.... but I always found that while it was all good, there was something deeper to the equation of marital oneness, but I could never really pin point it until I read "Hold Me Tight". It is like this book wraps everything else that I have gained insight with all into one, like the whole package is complete. It was amazing! I highly recommend this book for any marriage.... though like Sue Johnson said in the introduction, this book is not for abusive relationships (remember abuse is not just physical, it is emotional, and spiritual too). This book focuses on the technique Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg came up with called EFT (Emotional Focused Therapy). Here is a great website which explains in more detail of what EFT is all about: What is EFT?
Marriage is worth fighting for, but when you feel like you're disconnected from the other person it is hard to want to do much of anything. I feel like many marriages get into bad caustic cycles; we have been in one without really realizing it until now - like I said, the more I engaged the more he disengaged, even when we weren't even fighting... I was trying to bring into view other techniques I had learned, only the downfall there was my trying to teach him about these seemed to be not working - I think if we both had learned the techniques together, that can make a difference. You can tell your spouse all you want about some profound thing you have discovered that you know would help your marriage, but that doesn't mean they will have the same perspective or know-how to approach how to incorporate it into the marriage. And maybe your perspective or thoughts on trying to incorporate it are good ones, but it may just not be for whatever reason not clicking with your spouse - and that is okay! There are ways to learn how... but pushing the subject the same way over and over again does not work, unless of course you're getting different results, positive ones for that matter.
We learn in EFT that there are underlying reasons or feelings of why we do what we do, why we are in this caustic cycle, and so we get to the heart of it and then learn together to be emotionally focused together. Learning to communicate effectively has always been a goal of mine, we are in essence always communicating to each other - it just may not be too effective, it may come across hurtful, rejected, which then leads to other feelings that just fester within and generally just fuels the fire for the next time spouses don't effectively communicate. No wonder these simple moments tear us apart further, no wonder so many people feel like they fell out of love, no wonder people look for love somewhere else, or just plain get divorced and look elsewhere. I'm not condoning such behavior, but when you get to the heart of it, if we are not doing our part for our spouse 100% of the time, we are chipping away at what could be a stronger foundation day by day. Understanding the underlying reasons of why each of us do what we do - coming up with conversations with I FEEL and I NEED goes a long way and takes out the heat of the situation, and we can then see clearer.
Something I shared with someone close to me while reading the "Hold Me Tight" book was this:
I think my biggest security blanket in this book is that it has made me realize that over the years I became insecure in our marriage, and there is a number of factors of why - regular marital issues that come up that just weren't really resolved, to stepfamily & stepmom issues that were pushed aside. Time after time, it gets old, it gets numb, it gets insecure. At the same time, my husband too had feelings but he doesn't know how to express them and most of the time for him not saying anything was easier because he made a decision from an experience he witnessed that left him feeling like there is no use in talking when nothing positive comes out of it. For me, I am the talker, I drown out what could be a conversation because for a long time if I didn't, there would be silence, and I cannot stand silence because I felt more insecure, I felt like the caring just went out the window, that perhaps I just didn't matter. But I tried to get a response... and again, the more I tried the more he backed away... I just never really knew why. EFT helps the why's get answered, helping us see our spouse in a new light, helping us realize why we really feel the way we do during certain times in our marital journey and attacking them in positive ways so that we really can come together in oneness.
I am really excited to continue with EFT and see where it leads us next. I'm sure this will not be the last time I touch on EFT.
Recently however, through my first encounter with the therapist, he gave me some homework to read "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson. I wasn't sure how I was going to get it at the time... I prefer to own these books, as they are great reference books throughout marriage, but with finances tight at the time I was unable to do that. The city where we live is underway to getting a library, but the closet library next to our city costs a ridiculous amount for a membership each month, so I asked my mom to check this book out from her local library. This book is so popular that there was a wait list for it, I was ninth on that list! I received it two days before the next therapy appointment, this time for both of us. He now gave us the homework to both read "Hold Me Tight", along with some other homework which I'll touch on at on another post.
When our therapist talked to us about how it seems that every time I engage, my husband disengages; and the more I engage, the more he disengages, leaving us in a crazy cycle that gets us no where positive, just further apart. This made complete sense to me, to both of us... and as simple as this enlightening moment was, it was exactly that - a light bulb of sorts went on. I was excited to read this book. I probably could have read it in 2 days; it is one of those books where you just can't put it down... yes, it is that good! But I do have a family to take care of too... It took me about a week to read it. It felt like a roller coaster of emotions, because I could completely relate, and while it gave me sadness to have to delve back into the past because it was old and I already felt blue in the face and not getting anywhere with it.... I could see how it could heal me, how it could heal us. At the same time, it has brought me a light of new hope.
There is a lot of great resources out there for marriage.... much of it has great significance in the help department.... but I always found that while it was all good, there was something deeper to the equation of marital oneness, but I could never really pin point it until I read "Hold Me Tight". It is like this book wraps everything else that I have gained insight with all into one, like the whole package is complete. It was amazing! I highly recommend this book for any marriage.... though like Sue Johnson said in the introduction, this book is not for abusive relationships (remember abuse is not just physical, it is emotional, and spiritual too). This book focuses on the technique Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg came up with called EFT (Emotional Focused Therapy). Here is a great website which explains in more detail of what EFT is all about: What is EFT?
Marriage is worth fighting for, but when you feel like you're disconnected from the other person it is hard to want to do much of anything. I feel like many marriages get into bad caustic cycles; we have been in one without really realizing it until now - like I said, the more I engaged the more he disengaged, even when we weren't even fighting... I was trying to bring into view other techniques I had learned, only the downfall there was my trying to teach him about these seemed to be not working - I think if we both had learned the techniques together, that can make a difference. You can tell your spouse all you want about some profound thing you have discovered that you know would help your marriage, but that doesn't mean they will have the same perspective or know-how to approach how to incorporate it into the marriage. And maybe your perspective or thoughts on trying to incorporate it are good ones, but it may just not be for whatever reason not clicking with your spouse - and that is okay! There are ways to learn how... but pushing the subject the same way over and over again does not work, unless of course you're getting different results, positive ones for that matter.
We learn in EFT that there are underlying reasons or feelings of why we do what we do, why we are in this caustic cycle, and so we get to the heart of it and then learn together to be emotionally focused together. Learning to communicate effectively has always been a goal of mine, we are in essence always communicating to each other - it just may not be too effective, it may come across hurtful, rejected, which then leads to other feelings that just fester within and generally just fuels the fire for the next time spouses don't effectively communicate. No wonder these simple moments tear us apart further, no wonder so many people feel like they fell out of love, no wonder people look for love somewhere else, or just plain get divorced and look elsewhere. I'm not condoning such behavior, but when you get to the heart of it, if we are not doing our part for our spouse 100% of the time, we are chipping away at what could be a stronger foundation day by day. Understanding the underlying reasons of why each of us do what we do - coming up with conversations with I FEEL and I NEED goes a long way and takes out the heat of the situation, and we can then see clearer.
Something I shared with someone close to me while reading the "Hold Me Tight" book was this:
...We are always making decisions throughout our life because of an emotional connection. So, lets leave that there and we are moving forward. Our lack of effective communication is that we are still communicating but it is creating bad feelings because we aren't effectively communicating. Not saying anything at all is communicating to me that he doesn't care, though it means to him that he does care, he just doesn't want to argue about it. It is easier for him to disengage because that is safe for him. And rather than blaming where that comes from, though it can have some emphasis on where he is or I am at now, it isn't necessary to blame; what is necessary is to move forward, but sometimes to move forward we have to express our I FEEL and our I NEED and truly LISTEN to each other and not be on the defense - not thinking about what you are going to say to defend yourself - but to truly listen to what the other is feeling and not categorizing it into some diagnosis either. People simply feel things, and choose to act in the way they do because of where they have been, where they are and where their security is for each situation.
I think my biggest security blanket in this book is that it has made me realize that over the years I became insecure in our marriage, and there is a number of factors of why - regular marital issues that come up that just weren't really resolved, to stepfamily & stepmom issues that were pushed aside. Time after time, it gets old, it gets numb, it gets insecure. At the same time, my husband too had feelings but he doesn't know how to express them and most of the time for him not saying anything was easier because he made a decision from an experience he witnessed that left him feeling like there is no use in talking when nothing positive comes out of it. For me, I am the talker, I drown out what could be a conversation because for a long time if I didn't, there would be silence, and I cannot stand silence because I felt more insecure, I felt like the caring just went out the window, that perhaps I just didn't matter. But I tried to get a response... and again, the more I tried the more he backed away... I just never really knew why. EFT helps the why's get answered, helping us see our spouse in a new light, helping us realize why we really feel the way we do during certain times in our marital journey and attacking them in positive ways so that we really can come together in oneness.
I am really excited to continue with EFT and see where it leads us next. I'm sure this will not be the last time I touch on EFT.
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