Are you finished with marital therapy?
How many days out are you and your spouse or yourself is not doing anything that you learned? Do you feel like your high when you left the last appointment at the marital office has been deflated?
Are you waiting for your spouse to make the first move?
Why?
I think this is something that happens quite frequently in marriages after marital therapy. I know I have been in this boat before. But here is the thing, sometimes it may feel scary to jump right in and do the tools you learned in your marital therapy without a 3rd party present. But you must trust in your spouse that what you learned, that good feeling you left with will return over and over again. And the only way have that actually happen is by putting those tools into practice and more practice mode.
Staying silent is just going to lead you both back into a downward spiral and if you haven't put in place your "safety net" (where both of you or one of you even can put up your flag and safely say that things aren't going where they should be, and at that point in time you do a re-evaluation with trying the tools again, and if the tools aren't working like they should be, then you go back to marital therapy for a refresher.) It doesn't mean you have failed, it simply means that you're stuck and you need further assistance. Don't ignore the further assistance and don't brush it off with "we've already been, so what is the point in going again when we've already learned what we need to do." Stuck happens to all of us, make the right choice to make the marriage move forward again. Every marriage, no matter where you are at in your marriage has the wonderful opportunities to become more enhanced - stuck or not.
And what if you start trying, you take that step, but your communication is the same ole', same ole' scenario? Should you quit right then and there? Does it mean that there marital therapy was a waste of time? Does it mean that there is no point in trying anymore? Does it mean that your spouse isn't taking things seriously? Does it mean that your spouse doesn't care about you or your marriage?
NO! The tools you learn in marital therapy don't just suddenly happen overnight, they are not yet a strong foundation in your marriage. You need to be patient with one another, think about what your therapist said to you, and take steps in moving forward. Start your conversation over if you need to. The more you practice the tools, the more the same ole', same ole' scenario that made your marriage go on a downward spiral will be something of the past. The more you use the tools, the more it'll be ingrained in you and eventually you won't have to think about it, it'll just come naturally.
But, something a therapist said once, was something I mentioned above. Make sure you have in place a "safety net" - whether one or both of you are feeling like the tools that you have been using are stuck, if things are stuck you simply need to know that you get back into marital therapy for a refresher. Again, it does not mean you that you have failed in your marriage - all marriages need some enhancement no matter where you are at with your marriage. You need to remember too if one of you only feels stuck and the other doesn't, doesn't mean that your spouse is wrong. This is what she or he is feeling, and that is another reason that safety net is in place - to help you to feel safe with one another when things feel "off" and continue to move forward.
Remembering the why's of how our spouse reacts to certain situations will also give us more patience and understanding in learning a new song and dance, a positive one. It helps us also to remember our part in all this and what we need to be doing. It isn't all about her. It isn't all about him. It is about the both of you, coming together, making a choice to love unconditionally towards one another.
No comments:
Post a Comment