Be Intentional

“If a married couple with children has fifteen minutes of uninterrupted, non-logistical, non-problem-solving talk every day, I would put them in the top 5% of all married couples. It's an extraordinary achievement” -Bill Doherty. Don’t forget to connect with your spouse – the one human you have vowed to be closest to. Be intentional." -- Marriage Missions International

This reminds me of what a therapist once said. Before you even pay your mortgage, figure out for the month of what you and your spouse are going to do recreational-wise together. Not that it means that you can go spend whatever you want on your recreation and bag the mortgage, the whole idea of it is that you are putting your marriage first. You are holding it at the highest priority. 

You should be having positive recreational outings with your spouse, but also with your children on a monthly basis. That will give you some balance into your home and family life. Not sure what to do? Google some ideas online in your area, and then make a list and pick them that way. Or an idea I got off Pinterest earlier this year was to make a "Can of Dates". I got a plastic container from Walmart (the ones you'd put maybe some chocolate covered raisins in. Not sure why that is the first thing that even popped into my head, since I am not a big fan of those. But hopefully you get what I am saying.) You gals can decorate the container all cute if you want, just for fun. I did! Then I typed up several different ideas, printed them off, cut them out and folded them into the jar. Each month you can take one or more out and figure out what your activities are going to be for that month with your spouse. You can have a similar jar for your family too. It kind of makes it fun and to be able to do activities that maybe you might not try or forgot about doing.

Besides that, general every day chit-chat is important - I mean, don't you want to know how your spouse's day went? And don't just ask and then not listen, care about them, care about their day. Be intentional. Stop what you are doing and listen. Don't be distracted by other things going on around you. Even your children - if what they need can wait, help show them that your marriage is important, help instill in them this importance so that when they are married they will have a positive start to their marriage. 

Another good thing to do is talking every week as a check-up on making sure you are on the same page... that is huge in marriage! Goal setting individually and helping our spouses make their goals to be reality. If you have the lack of want and lack of feeling like your spouse's goals are important, I would suggest that you change your attitude and be excited about their goals. Of course, you'll want those goals to be something that would enhance themselves - whether that be spiritual, emotional, or physical. But, be excited because this is your spouse we're talking about, this is your spouse who has their own desires, wants, and goals and the first person that you should feel support from is your spouse. If you don't feel support then talk it through, be attentive to the needs of your spouse, care about them, work through them. 

Be intentional. Choose to Love.

Attitude of Service

"Submission does not mean that the wife must do all the giving. The husband is to give his life for her. Nor does it mean that she cannot express her ideas. The goal of Paul’s instructions is unity, which requires both to have an attitude of service." -- The Agape Connection on FB

Choose To Be Happy

I'm sure you've heard that attitude is everything, that when we change our attitude our perspective in our trials change for the better or worse if you have a bad attitude. And this does apply to marriage to. I know for myself, when I change my attitude in situations, feelings, the marriage itself does get better. But, I think that this is a worthy subject to go into. 

There is a difference between choosing to be happy - which YES can happen, changing a point-of-view, changing perspective, changing attitude - whatever you do in that regard WILL change things for the better if you allow it. It is really an amazing part of life when you do put that into affect, it can help marriages, it can help lessen stress, and overall allows you to be at your own best - and then so you can be at your best for others.

BUT, if there are some issues within relationships that have not been resolved, choosing to be happy doesn't automatically erase everything, it doesn't mean that everything suddenly goes away, and that life goes on and you start at a clean slate. Problems will arise and you have to as a couple work through them together - of course you have to learn what works best for you on how to work together, if one way works for you but not the other person, you find another way and then practice, practice, practice! And of course, again, if there are issues in the past that are hurting your spouse still and you have not resolved them, choosing to brush it aside isn't going to help your marriage, it would be stupid to brush it aside for one, it would wound your marriage in the here and now and cripple your marriage in the long-run because it was never dealt with properly. It is unhealthy to not learn to work through problems, because problems do and will arise.

Choosing to respect your spouse of their feelings, choosing to understand, choosing to work through it together, is in essence choosing to be happy within your marriage.

Making the Effort

"Procrastination hurts people -- Laziness prevents us from being loving. Love requires commitment, energy, and work. A lot of people just don't want to work at being loving; it's easier to be lazy. Many marriages break up because one spouse -- perhaps both spouses - are unwilling to make the effort necessary to save the marriage." -- The Agape Connection

 This is true, very, very true. 

So, what if you DO go to marital therapy? You still have to ACT on the "TOOLS" that your therapist gives you to work through each and every day for your marriage. It can sometimes be very difficult to get into a new motion of not being "lazy" and to have commitment towards your spouse. But, do you like where you are at right now? The not doing anything about it, bad feelings towards each other, disconnection, lack of feeling loved etc. Do you like where things are going? 

 STOP and do whatever you need to to change your attitude - an attitude of "I care about my spouse, I want her/him to be happy, yes we need to work through some issues, but holding onto and keeping a dark cloud overhead isn't helping myself or the feeling within our household or marriage. Seek out what you do love about your spouse -because the more you look at the things that bother you the more you're going to go on the downward spiral. And the more you look at every little positive thing, and acknowledge those positive things, the better you will feel and will help your marriage get out of a rut. How about you look at what your spouse needs from you? Instead of what you think he/she needs and do it with love. Choose to love - CHOOSE, because LOVE IS a CHOICE. Strengthen yourself individually, but work at strengthening your marriage. 

I find that even through therapy, there are some insights that you may have never thought of or thought of in that way, that do help you pick up your feet and want to move forward. Marriage is hard work, but worth it - you want to be happy right? Then work at it, stop procrastinating, and DO. 

Stop pointing fingers. Stop trying to be "right". Stop arguing and start learning what is best for you and your spouse to have effective communication. Remember that you both perceive things differently, have different feelings - but can come to understand where the other person is coming from, don't downgrade their feelings. Remember that "The Joneses" marriage doesn't mean that you have to be a carbon copy - that every marriage is what is best for you and your spouse, there are no carbon copies. Figure out what your expectations have been, are, and what your goals are individually and what you'd like to see in your marriage. Be reasonable. Care about the other person. Stop mumbling, stop rolling your eyes, stop giving the silent treatment or do a guessing game of what the other is feeling or thinking. LISTEN and listen without coming up with your comeback, because you are not listening if you are doing that. LISTEN and learn to understand, CLARIFY what you hear so there are no misunderstandings and unnecessary hurt feelings. Work through hurt that has been caused in the past that is hurting your here and now and the future. Remember healing takes time and you can help one another through it. 

PRACTICE makes perfect. Learning new techniques do not happen over night. Be patient with one another. But LEARN what you need to in order to move forward in your marriage. Don't stay at a standstill, because the more you do, the more apart you become emotionally and the easier it is to just throw in the towel. Marriage is worth fighting for. Divorce sucks for so many reasons. Do everything you can to fight for it, and fight for it in the right ways.

Remember the things that you loved about that person before you married them. Do those things that made you feel giddy back in the day. Find other things that bring you closer together. The best advice we received from a therapist is 3 points :: 

1. Focus on Spiritual Strength in Relationship weekly.

2. Focus on Emotional & Mental Commitment to each other weekly.

3. Focus on Physical Activity with each other (couple time) regularly (weekly).

 This overall makes or breaks the marriage - if you aren't doing these things - your marriage will break. Don't let that happen!

Attitude

I came across a quote on Facebook, that I shared on my wall. In my comment under this quote I said this:

"...okay, not always, but I really like this quote because it is true in many ways."

And then it got me thinking... where does this quote really apply in our lives? And here is the quote from the Razzles Dazzles Facebook page:


"My Attitude 
will always be 
based on how
you treat me."

The one relationship that comes to mind when I read this is from one particular past marriage, one that was emotionally abusive. I think about the actions of this individual - from the sweet talk, being nice for a few days or so and then letting their true colors rock the boat over and over again because that sweet talk is just that - sweet talk and nothing sincere or commitment-based within the marriage itself. 

When one is treated with such disrespect, with disregard to their feelings and thoughts, yes the attitude towards your spouse that is demeaning you will definitely be based in many instances on how they are treated. I remember that feeling all too well. And the thing that makes this more-so, is the very thing that makes your spouse not even realize that they are treating you this way, that they are either exempt from making mistakes or that they are over the whole marriage in "helping" (though they are actually hindering) you and the marriage rather than looking at the marriage as whole, at themselves for that matter. When we approach our spouse with this attitude, their attitude will be based on how you just treated them. Most definitely! 


I don't find that this quote is true in all circumstances, because I don't live my own life this way at all. But when someone is treating you day-in and day-out in ways that demean your spirit, your feelings, your thoughts - yes, this quote is very fitting.