Making the Effort

"Procrastination hurts people -- Laziness prevents us from being loving. Love requires commitment, energy, and work. A lot of people just don't want to work at being loving; it's easier to be lazy. Many marriages break up because one spouse -- perhaps both spouses - are unwilling to make the effort necessary to save the marriage." -- The Agape Connection

 This is true, very, very true. 

So, what if you DO go to marital therapy? You still have to ACT on the "TOOLS" that your therapist gives you to work through each and every day for your marriage. It can sometimes be very difficult to get into a new motion of not being "lazy" and to have commitment towards your spouse. But, do you like where you are at right now? The not doing anything about it, bad feelings towards each other, disconnection, lack of feeling loved etc. Do you like where things are going? 

 STOP and do whatever you need to to change your attitude - an attitude of "I care about my spouse, I want her/him to be happy, yes we need to work through some issues, but holding onto and keeping a dark cloud overhead isn't helping myself or the feeling within our household or marriage. Seek out what you do love about your spouse -because the more you look at the things that bother you the more you're going to go on the downward spiral. And the more you look at every little positive thing, and acknowledge those positive things, the better you will feel and will help your marriage get out of a rut. How about you look at what your spouse needs from you? Instead of what you think he/she needs and do it with love. Choose to love - CHOOSE, because LOVE IS a CHOICE. Strengthen yourself individually, but work at strengthening your marriage. 

I find that even through therapy, there are some insights that you may have never thought of or thought of in that way, that do help you pick up your feet and want to move forward. Marriage is hard work, but worth it - you want to be happy right? Then work at it, stop procrastinating, and DO. 

Stop pointing fingers. Stop trying to be "right". Stop arguing and start learning what is best for you and your spouse to have effective communication. Remember that you both perceive things differently, have different feelings - but can come to understand where the other person is coming from, don't downgrade their feelings. Remember that "The Joneses" marriage doesn't mean that you have to be a carbon copy - that every marriage is what is best for you and your spouse, there are no carbon copies. Figure out what your expectations have been, are, and what your goals are individually and what you'd like to see in your marriage. Be reasonable. Care about the other person. Stop mumbling, stop rolling your eyes, stop giving the silent treatment or do a guessing game of what the other is feeling or thinking. LISTEN and listen without coming up with your comeback, because you are not listening if you are doing that. LISTEN and learn to understand, CLARIFY what you hear so there are no misunderstandings and unnecessary hurt feelings. Work through hurt that has been caused in the past that is hurting your here and now and the future. Remember healing takes time and you can help one another through it. 

PRACTICE makes perfect. Learning new techniques do not happen over night. Be patient with one another. But LEARN what you need to in order to move forward in your marriage. Don't stay at a standstill, because the more you do, the more apart you become emotionally and the easier it is to just throw in the towel. Marriage is worth fighting for. Divorce sucks for so many reasons. Do everything you can to fight for it, and fight for it in the right ways.

Remember the things that you loved about that person before you married them. Do those things that made you feel giddy back in the day. Find other things that bring you closer together. The best advice we received from a therapist is 3 points :: 

1. Focus on Spiritual Strength in Relationship weekly.

2. Focus on Emotional & Mental Commitment to each other weekly.

3. Focus on Physical Activity with each other (couple time) regularly (weekly).

 This overall makes or breaks the marriage - if you aren't doing these things - your marriage will break. Don't let that happen!

"Put the Past in the Past..." Screech.... Stop... Rethink

I'm sure throughout your lifetime you have heard some of these phrases:

"put the past in the past..."
"forgive and forget..."
...that you or your spouse has learned to "let things go"

I think these phrases have great meaning; but at the same time, I think they take them a little too far with how life really plays out, how life should be treated - marriage should be treated.

"put the past in the past..." -- We can put the past in the past in marriage IF the past has been resolved. If your spouse has hurt you in some way or another, and if it is in the past and you're still hurting from it. Well, it still is an issue because it hasn't been resolved. Issues cannot be put in the past simply because they are in the past.

"forgive and forget..." ---- Likewise, issues that have not been resolved can certainly be forgiven, but impossible to move forward within the marriage when they haven't been dealt with appropriately. What if your spouse feels betrayed by you from the past? Sorry goes a long way, but so does never doing it again, so does doing what they need you to do so they can keep moving forward - if you do something that sends some sort of "alert" signal to them because of something that happened in the past, then you need to know that you should not do that anymore, they NEED that from you. Things cannot be forgotten unless you help them to heal and help them to move forward with the things they need you to do in the process of it all.

...have you learned to "let things go" --- So, you've learned to let things go... have you considered whether that is really all that healthy or not? Perhaps letting things go on small scale like an opinion - perhaps your spouses opinion for something is very important to them in one way or another and your opinion on the matter can just be let go; that can be healthy. But what about something that needs closure (even if it is an opinion), what about an argument, what about whether or not someone was hurt by the situation itself? Then do you let it go? Absolutely not! Even if you feel like you yourself can "let it go" - don't expect that your spouse does. And don't make yourself superior over your spouse because you have "let it go", if you truly have, then work through it because you love your spouse, because you want the marriage to be unified. Don't portray yourself as 'I've let it go, and you haven't so, therefore I have evolved to a higher plain of existence, and because you are still angry with me, you are not as advanced.' This is not a loving relationship, this is rude, it is demeaning, it pushes the marriage and your spouse in the complete opposite direction.

If you've hurt your spouse and you try to move forward, acting like everything is just fine, trying to do those little things that normally would enhance a marriage, tend to be rather annoying and drag down the marriage rather than helping it because the very issue that you may feel should just simply be in the past and be forgiven is actually still very much in the face of your marriage.

I remember in one of my previous marriages, my spouse treating me terribly, never resolving the issue that was incredibly hurtful to me, then treating me nice for a day or so and then wondering why I wasn't being receptive to the niceness he displayed and then asking me when I would be normal again? Here I was hurt beyond anything I can really describe, and a little niceness does not put a bandaid over the hurt at all, in fact it makes it worse because the language coming from this is that his bad behavior should just simply be forgiven, it was no big deal (on the contrary it was) and because he was nice to me suddenly, that my feelings and needs don't matter, and we moving forward is key for him. Yet resolving the issue at hand is key for the marriage, for your spouse. Not doing that just hurts worse, it creates resentment, it makes the issue bigger because you're just hurting them more over the initial hurt you caused. None of it was ever resolved, the issue is still in the face of marriage, and will not be put in the past simply because time is moving forward and in the literal sense it is the past, but in the normal human world of emotions it is not put in the past and must be worked through.

Do you think maybe your spouse's feelings are wrong? That perhaps their reaction or emotion to the incident is wrong? That what they see is not how it is, so again, they are wrong? Have you ever considered how you might look like in front of your spouse? What does your body language speak? How about the tone in your voice? Or even how you speak to them? Body language, tone of voice, and your words can either help your spouse feel secure in the relationship or you might as well just show them your middle finger. Let me ask you this, how can you place your idea of what emotion they feel is right or wrong? Or what they perceived the incident as? Everyone has different perceptions, it doesn't mean it is wrong. Are we not all human? Do we all not feel? Emotions comes in all shapes and sizes, it isn't wrong for your spouse to have emotion. Emotions are a part of life, a part of marriage.

What matters is how we deal with the emotions that either A. create unity in our marriage or B. a wall is placed between you and your spouse. ---- Telling your spouse that their emotions is wrong is putting a wall between the two of you. Not to mention, telling your spouse that their emotions are wrong, are actually putting yourself in the wrong by saying such a thing. Saying such things makes you superior over them, displays that you really don't care one ditty about their feelings. Putting a wall between the two of you comes from not working through issues, and I would like to highlight that working through issues even if you need to bring them back up from the past, does not make it bad. Keeping them in the past without ever working through them is what is bad. Do you want unity in your marriage? Care about them, care about their feelings, understand their feelings, learn to understand their feelings, help them heal by working through it by what they need from you to work through it; and be receptive in their healing, be the person who is on their knees (figuratively speaking) looking up with sincere apology in your heart and soul and want to work together.

The sad part about this is, all too often the spouse who displays superiority over their spouse tends to go unchecked; in that no matter how many times their spouse tries to find unity within the marriage, tries to help resolve the issue(s), even tries to go to therapy to have the marriage get help, the superior spouse doesn't see the wrong and hurtful things they are doing to pretty much dissolve the marriage itself, and to push away their spouse further. The superior spouse finds blame in every direction you can imagine and that blame is placed solely upon their spouses head. When this goes on and the superior spouse never realizes that this kind of contribution to the marriage actually kills the marriage, it also goes along the lines of emotional abuse. How do I know this? Because I've lived in this kind of abuse before, because a marital therapist thoroughly went over "superior" spouses and how it relates to emotional abuse. There is no sugar-coated truth to this, it is simply abuse, and it is wrong to be treated in such a way.

I have seen where some superior spouses realize the error of their ways and they step down from their pedestal to embrace their spouse in love, in kindness, in caring, in wanting to make the marriage work together. And fantastic when they do, fantastic when they humble themselves enough to realize that both spouses have an important role in the marriage, that they are equals.

Even in regular, run-of-the-mill marriages (without abuse situations) hurt feelings, anger, resentment happens and it can't just be felt and then not dealt with. It cannot just be pushed to the past, it must be worked through. If it isn't worked through between you and your spouse, it continues to fester and smoulder negative feelings which does not foster a nurturing feeling within oneself and your marriage as whole. It will always affect how you deal with issues in the here and now until it is resolved, until it is healed. It will also affect your overall feelings towards your spouse and hinder the ability to fully embrace a loving, caring relationship.

Deal with the issue head on. Bringing up the past is exactly what needs to happen, and sometimes you have to discuss that issue more than once, because the person who has been hurt by it has to heal from it. It doesn't simply just go away. Not dealing with it head on, just sours the marriage even more.

If you're not sure of how to deal with issues, if you're not sure how to work them out, get into therapy and I would highly recommend looking into a therapist that specializes in emotional focused therapy (EFT). There are different approaches to therapy and a lot of good can come out of it if you are not one above the other, only if you are willing to become unified in the marriage.

Take the Steps to Get Out! Now!

I'm going to dive into my past here a bit, in hopes to help anyone else that might be in an abusive relationship.

The people who are on the outside of the box looking in always comments on "Why don't you just get out? Why do you let him/her treat you this way?" etc.

Physical and Emotional abuse are very hard to get away from. If there is physical abuse going on, there is most certainly emotional abuse going on. Emotional abuse is our heavy anchor that won't allow us to think that we are worthy to escape, it has brought us down or even lower than we already maybe were to a level of despair, of low self-esteem, self-confidence. You question yourself in every aspect of your life. While deep down you know what this person is doing to you is wrong, getting away from it proves to be life-threatening, so staying is easier though very scary.

The abuser always portrays themselves as being on a pedestal -- higher than you. Anything that goes wrong in their day or their life or your life as a whole is your fault. They do not take responsibility for their actions or their words. They hurt you and turn around and sweet talk you back to thinking maybe there is hope that they will change. Or sweet talk you back to a "safe" zone just to turn around and backhand you with their actions or words. You often hear from victims of abuse that he loves me after she was just bruised - whether that be physical bruises or emotional bruises. Part of the "he loves me" talk is that if you don't say he wants you to say, even though it isn't truth, you know you'll get hurt worse the next time... just as trying to escape, to leave is nearly impossible because you will get hurt worse and perhaps even fear for your life, so holding onto your life though it isn't really yours (in abuse) and is under their control is all you have to hold onto.

When I was in HS and just out of HS I was in a "relationship" that was emotionally and physically abusive. It went on for 3 years; 3 years of hell. I tried numerous times to escape, but the hold was strong and others that should have helped when I reached out and they also knew what was going on only contributed to the issues. And even when those that I loved most did try to help, though they really had no idea what was going on, they only knew that the "relationship" was taking a negative toll on my life - they tried and I am glad they never gave up trying; even when I wanted to reach out and grab onto their rope they were tossing to me, I felt I had no choice but to stomp on it and walk the other direction. It is called being deathly scared. A passerby in a car watching inside of our car signaled to me if I needed help, and I did, I really, really did and I hoped that they would come through for me... but nothing happened. Nothing. I think of that moment off and on, I believe that asking for help from a total stranger was easier because my abuser didn't have any kind of association with them, they weren't above him or below him, they were just there. And when that help didn't follow through, my hope of getting out became slimmer and slimmer. Oh how I wish I would have called the police... numerous times. I wish things would have been different. I wish that perfect strangers that saw what was happening wouldn't turn the other cheek, embarrassed, not really knowing what to do and not understanding why I didn't just run. I wish they would have helped, showed my abuser that what he was doing was dead wrong. I wish I would have never gone through what I did.

I had already been suffering from depression, the last thing I needed was to get into any kind of relationship but especially an abusive one. So because I was already suffering from depression, I was brought down further into the depths of a different kind of hell. In essence, I was trapped under his control.

THERE IS NEVER A REASON, A JUSTIFICATION FOR ABUSE --- EVER!

I won't recount the things I do remember from that abusive relationship. I have forgiven my abuser, and I do believe I have healed from the incidents. I don't think about what happened on a daily basis, but they are incidents that I will never forget. I do hope through the experiences I have had, that somehow I will be able to help someone else.

For every negative expression thrown at you, replace it in your mind and heart with something positive even if you don't believe in it anymore - thanks to your spouse or significant other who smothered it to death. Tell yourself over and over again, "I do not deserve this!" --- "abuse is NOT love".... Positive reinforcement, like daily affirmations will start to arm you with courage. Try and surround yourself with those that lift you up. Find a support group. Make a plan and get out! Do whatever you need to do so your abuser will not hurt you anymore! And get to a therapist to help you heal from the abuse you've dealt with.

This may sound really strange, but the one thing that helped me cut my ties was after I got my first job, I bought myself a car. It was MY car, it was MY responsibility, and it gave me some sense of "power" to take the steps I needed to get away. That car was a symbol of simply my lifesaver in many ways.

And while I healed from the abuse, I ended up in two marriages after that that were negative, which I will at some later point in time get into those as well. During that process however, I learned a lot about myself, about forgiveness. I am grateful to the therapists that gave me those insights into myself and to help me move forward and make healthier decisions.

Below are some resources for abuse.