Waiting for Your Spouse to Make the 1st Move

Are you finished with marital therapy?

How many days out are you and your spouse or yourself is not doing anything that you learned? Do you feel like your high when you left the last appointment at the marital office has been deflated?

Are you waiting for your spouse to make the first move?

Why?

I think this is something that happens quite frequently in marriages after marital therapy. I know I have been in this boat before. But here is the thing, sometimes it may feel scary to jump right in and do the tools you learned in your marital therapy without a 3rd party present. But you must trust in your spouse that what you learned, that good feeling you left with will return over and over again. And the only way have that actually happen is by putting those tools into practice and more practice mode.

Staying silent is just going to lead you both back into a downward spiral and if you haven't put in place your "safety net" (where both of you or one of you even can put up your flag and safely say that things aren't going where they should be, and at that point in time you do a re-evaluation with trying the tools again, and if the tools aren't working like they should be, then you go back to marital therapy for a refresher.) It doesn't mean you have failed, it simply means that you're stuck and you need further assistance. Don't ignore the further assistance and don't brush it off with "we've already been, so what is the point in going again when we've already learned what we need to do." Stuck happens to all of us, make the right choice to make the marriage move forward again. Every marriage, no matter where you are at in your marriage has the wonderful opportunities to become more enhanced - stuck or not.

And what if you start trying, you take that step, but your communication is the same ole', same ole' scenario? Should you quit right then and there? Does it mean that there marital therapy was a waste of time? Does it mean that there is no point in trying anymore? Does it mean that your spouse isn't taking things seriously? Does it mean that your spouse doesn't care about you or your marriage?

NO! The tools you learn in marital therapy don't just suddenly happen overnight, they are not yet a strong foundation in your marriage. You need to be patient with one another, think about what your therapist said to you, and take steps in moving forward. Start your conversation over if you need to. The more you practice the tools, the more the same ole', same ole' scenario that made your marriage go on a downward spiral will be something of the past. The more you use the tools, the more it'll be ingrained in you and eventually you won't have to think about it, it'll just come naturally.

But, something a therapist said once, was something I mentioned above. Make sure you have in place a "safety net" - whether one or both of you are feeling like the tools that you have been using are stuck, if things are stuck you simply need to know that you get back into marital therapy for a refresher. Again, it does not mean you that you have failed in your marriage - all marriages need some enhancement no matter where you are at with your marriage. You need to remember too if one of you only feels stuck and the other doesn't, doesn't mean that your spouse is wrong. This is what she or he is feeling, and that is another reason that safety net is in place - to help you to feel safe with one another when things feel "off" and continue to move forward.

Remembering the why's of how our spouse reacts to certain situations will also give us more patience and understanding in learning a new song and dance, a positive one.  It helps us also to remember our part in all this and what we need to be doing. It isn't all about her. It isn't all about him. It is about the both of you, coming together, making a choice to love unconditionally towards one another.

Forgive Your Parents & Make A Change

Are you in one of those boats where you're realizing in your adulthood and marriage that you are doing things that you saw your parents do in their marriage, things that you didn't necessarily like or that gave you bad feelings growing up? Are you making excuses as to why you act the way you do with your spouse because of the example that was set for you? Are you making excuses for your spouse as to why they are the way they are? Are you angry with your parents for not being more of what you needed to go into your marital relationship with more positive attributes?

Look, we all have something we take that is either positive or negative from our childhood into our adulthood. Why? Because no parent has a solid-proof how-to book that comes out with you from the womb. Whether you, yourself is a parent right now you will either know or come to know that you do the very best you can at the time of each situation. We are who we are because of the trials we've come through throughout our life, not just something negative that we may have pulled out from our upbringing that you may not like to see in yourself.

You don't like it? Is it affecting your marriage in a negative way? Change it. You have the ability to learn a different song and dance, a different tune... You have the ability and maybe not know-how yet, but you can learn the know-how through a marital therapist. Be patient with yourself and your spouse as you learn to instill in yourself a better way to whatever it is that you are dealing with.

Are you angry with your parents for this example they set for you? My best advice is to get over it. Like I said, they did the best with what the knew how or felt at the time. If you are a parent, you know that even as a parent you make mistakes - parent's are not perfect - and we should make the necessary steps to forgive them. Perhaps mentally stepping in their shoes at the time of something that you're holding onto would help you understand why they did what they did, why they said what they said. Do you even know what trials they were going through themselves and how that played a roll in their own decisions as parents? When you can let it go, give it to God and move on, a huge weight will be lifted from your shoulders.

I love my parents. I know that they did their best in all the situations that arose for them and their family. I am grateful for my parents in many ways throughout my life, their unconditional love and always trying their best to show me what was best. And despite running into a few things here and there that I have learned to change within myself and marriage, this is an understanding I have come to over the years and I am grateful for their example and I am grateful for the releasing breathe of fresh air of realizing that my parents are not perfect.
Of course, there is always a process involved with change. Sometimes that process is taking steps forward and back again. As long as you are moving forward, no matter the steps you take back will lessen over time.

Making the Effort

"Procrastination hurts people -- Laziness prevents us from being loving. Love requires commitment, energy, and work. A lot of people just don't want to work at being loving; it's easier to be lazy. Many marriages break up because one spouse -- perhaps both spouses - are unwilling to make the effort necessary to save the marriage." -- The Agape Connection

 This is true, very, very true. 

So, what if you DO go to marital therapy? You still have to ACT on the "TOOLS" that your therapist gives you to work through each and every day for your marriage. It can sometimes be very difficult to get into a new motion of not being "lazy" and to have commitment towards your spouse. But, do you like where you are at right now? The not doing anything about it, bad feelings towards each other, disconnection, lack of feeling loved etc. Do you like where things are going? 

 STOP and do whatever you need to to change your attitude - an attitude of "I care about my spouse, I want her/him to be happy, yes we need to work through some issues, but holding onto and keeping a dark cloud overhead isn't helping myself or the feeling within our household or marriage. Seek out what you do love about your spouse -because the more you look at the things that bother you the more you're going to go on the downward spiral. And the more you look at every little positive thing, and acknowledge those positive things, the better you will feel and will help your marriage get out of a rut. How about you look at what your spouse needs from you? Instead of what you think he/she needs and do it with love. Choose to love - CHOOSE, because LOVE IS a CHOICE. Strengthen yourself individually, but work at strengthening your marriage. 

I find that even through therapy, there are some insights that you may have never thought of or thought of in that way, that do help you pick up your feet and want to move forward. Marriage is hard work, but worth it - you want to be happy right? Then work at it, stop procrastinating, and DO. 

Stop pointing fingers. Stop trying to be "right". Stop arguing and start learning what is best for you and your spouse to have effective communication. Remember that you both perceive things differently, have different feelings - but can come to understand where the other person is coming from, don't downgrade their feelings. Remember that "The Joneses" marriage doesn't mean that you have to be a carbon copy - that every marriage is what is best for you and your spouse, there are no carbon copies. Figure out what your expectations have been, are, and what your goals are individually and what you'd like to see in your marriage. Be reasonable. Care about the other person. Stop mumbling, stop rolling your eyes, stop giving the silent treatment or do a guessing game of what the other is feeling or thinking. LISTEN and listen without coming up with your comeback, because you are not listening if you are doing that. LISTEN and learn to understand, CLARIFY what you hear so there are no misunderstandings and unnecessary hurt feelings. Work through hurt that has been caused in the past that is hurting your here and now and the future. Remember healing takes time and you can help one another through it. 

PRACTICE makes perfect. Learning new techniques do not happen over night. Be patient with one another. But LEARN what you need to in order to move forward in your marriage. Don't stay at a standstill, because the more you do, the more apart you become emotionally and the easier it is to just throw in the towel. Marriage is worth fighting for. Divorce sucks for so many reasons. Do everything you can to fight for it, and fight for it in the right ways.

Remember the things that you loved about that person before you married them. Do those things that made you feel giddy back in the day. Find other things that bring you closer together. The best advice we received from a therapist is 3 points :: 

1. Focus on Spiritual Strength in Relationship weekly.

2. Focus on Emotional & Mental Commitment to each other weekly.

3. Focus on Physical Activity with each other (couple time) regularly (weekly).

 This overall makes or breaks the marriage - if you aren't doing these things - your marriage will break. Don't let that happen!