Revisiting Problems

"When an argument starts to get out of control between you and your spouse, look for ways to defuse the situation until you can come back and work on the problem again in a more sensible and honoring way. Even if you have to revisit the same problem a dozen or more times, commit to working on it —until you can control it together—rather than having it control you and allow it to divide you in marital partnership." -- Marriage Missions International

So incredibly true! Some problems NEED to be revisited to make sure it is clear in the head and heart with no misunderstandings on how the other is feeling, why, etc on both sides. If other feelings or questions arise while you are going through the issue, then deal with them. It doesn't make the other person wrong for their feelings, they can own their feelings, as you can too - come together and work it out.

If there is anything left unresolved then it will just keep hitting your marriage back in the face over and over again, either digging a bigger hole or increasing the load of the issue. Just work it out, and don't worry if you have to revisit it, that doesn't make it wrong to need to revisit it, it just means you are working through and good for you!

Waiting for Your Spouse to Make the 1st Move

Are you finished with marital therapy?

How many days out are you and your spouse or yourself is not doing anything that you learned? Do you feel like your high when you left the last appointment at the marital office has been deflated?

Are you waiting for your spouse to make the first move?

Why?

I think this is something that happens quite frequently in marriages after marital therapy. I know I have been in this boat before. But here is the thing, sometimes it may feel scary to jump right in and do the tools you learned in your marital therapy without a 3rd party present. But you must trust in your spouse that what you learned, that good feeling you left with will return over and over again. And the only way have that actually happen is by putting those tools into practice and more practice mode.

Staying silent is just going to lead you both back into a downward spiral and if you haven't put in place your "safety net" (where both of you or one of you even can put up your flag and safely say that things aren't going where they should be, and at that point in time you do a re-evaluation with trying the tools again, and if the tools aren't working like they should be, then you go back to marital therapy for a refresher.) It doesn't mean you have failed, it simply means that you're stuck and you need further assistance. Don't ignore the further assistance and don't brush it off with "we've already been, so what is the point in going again when we've already learned what we need to do." Stuck happens to all of us, make the right choice to make the marriage move forward again. Every marriage, no matter where you are at in your marriage has the wonderful opportunities to become more enhanced - stuck or not.

And what if you start trying, you take that step, but your communication is the same ole', same ole' scenario? Should you quit right then and there? Does it mean that there marital therapy was a waste of time? Does it mean that there is no point in trying anymore? Does it mean that your spouse isn't taking things seriously? Does it mean that your spouse doesn't care about you or your marriage?

NO! The tools you learn in marital therapy don't just suddenly happen overnight, they are not yet a strong foundation in your marriage. You need to be patient with one another, think about what your therapist said to you, and take steps in moving forward. Start your conversation over if you need to. The more you practice the tools, the more the same ole', same ole' scenario that made your marriage go on a downward spiral will be something of the past. The more you use the tools, the more it'll be ingrained in you and eventually you won't have to think about it, it'll just come naturally.

But, something a therapist said once, was something I mentioned above. Make sure you have in place a "safety net" - whether one or both of you are feeling like the tools that you have been using are stuck, if things are stuck you simply need to know that you get back into marital therapy for a refresher. Again, it does not mean you that you have failed in your marriage - all marriages need some enhancement no matter where you are at with your marriage. You need to remember too if one of you only feels stuck and the other doesn't, doesn't mean that your spouse is wrong. This is what she or he is feeling, and that is another reason that safety net is in place - to help you to feel safe with one another when things feel "off" and continue to move forward.

Remembering the why's of how our spouse reacts to certain situations will also give us more patience and understanding in learning a new song and dance, a positive one.  It helps us also to remember our part in all this and what we need to be doing. It isn't all about her. It isn't all about him. It is about the both of you, coming together, making a choice to love unconditionally towards one another.

"Put the Past in the Past..." Screech.... Stop... Rethink

I'm sure throughout your lifetime you have heard some of these phrases:

"put the past in the past..."
"forgive and forget..."
...that you or your spouse has learned to "let things go"

I think these phrases have great meaning; but at the same time, I think they take them a little too far with how life really plays out, how life should be treated - marriage should be treated.

"put the past in the past..." -- We can put the past in the past in marriage IF the past has been resolved. If your spouse has hurt you in some way or another, and if it is in the past and you're still hurting from it. Well, it still is an issue because it hasn't been resolved. Issues cannot be put in the past simply because they are in the past.

"forgive and forget..." ---- Likewise, issues that have not been resolved can certainly be forgiven, but impossible to move forward within the marriage when they haven't been dealt with appropriately. What if your spouse feels betrayed by you from the past? Sorry goes a long way, but so does never doing it again, so does doing what they need you to do so they can keep moving forward - if you do something that sends some sort of "alert" signal to them because of something that happened in the past, then you need to know that you should not do that anymore, they NEED that from you. Things cannot be forgotten unless you help them to heal and help them to move forward with the things they need you to do in the process of it all.

...have you learned to "let things go" --- So, you've learned to let things go... have you considered whether that is really all that healthy or not? Perhaps letting things go on small scale like an opinion - perhaps your spouses opinion for something is very important to them in one way or another and your opinion on the matter can just be let go; that can be healthy. But what about something that needs closure (even if it is an opinion), what about an argument, what about whether or not someone was hurt by the situation itself? Then do you let it go? Absolutely not! Even if you feel like you yourself can "let it go" - don't expect that your spouse does. And don't make yourself superior over your spouse because you have "let it go", if you truly have, then work through it because you love your spouse, because you want the marriage to be unified. Don't portray yourself as 'I've let it go, and you haven't so, therefore I have evolved to a higher plain of existence, and because you are still angry with me, you are not as advanced.' This is not a loving relationship, this is rude, it is demeaning, it pushes the marriage and your spouse in the complete opposite direction.

If you've hurt your spouse and you try to move forward, acting like everything is just fine, trying to do those little things that normally would enhance a marriage, tend to be rather annoying and drag down the marriage rather than helping it because the very issue that you may feel should just simply be in the past and be forgiven is actually still very much in the face of your marriage.

I remember in one of my previous marriages, my spouse treating me terribly, never resolving the issue that was incredibly hurtful to me, then treating me nice for a day or so and then wondering why I wasn't being receptive to the niceness he displayed and then asking me when I would be normal again? Here I was hurt beyond anything I can really describe, and a little niceness does not put a bandaid over the hurt at all, in fact it makes it worse because the language coming from this is that his bad behavior should just simply be forgiven, it was no big deal (on the contrary it was) and because he was nice to me suddenly, that my feelings and needs don't matter, and we moving forward is key for him. Yet resolving the issue at hand is key for the marriage, for your spouse. Not doing that just hurts worse, it creates resentment, it makes the issue bigger because you're just hurting them more over the initial hurt you caused. None of it was ever resolved, the issue is still in the face of marriage, and will not be put in the past simply because time is moving forward and in the literal sense it is the past, but in the normal human world of emotions it is not put in the past and must be worked through.

Do you think maybe your spouse's feelings are wrong? That perhaps their reaction or emotion to the incident is wrong? That what they see is not how it is, so again, they are wrong? Have you ever considered how you might look like in front of your spouse? What does your body language speak? How about the tone in your voice? Or even how you speak to them? Body language, tone of voice, and your words can either help your spouse feel secure in the relationship or you might as well just show them your middle finger. Let me ask you this, how can you place your idea of what emotion they feel is right or wrong? Or what they perceived the incident as? Everyone has different perceptions, it doesn't mean it is wrong. Are we not all human? Do we all not feel? Emotions comes in all shapes and sizes, it isn't wrong for your spouse to have emotion. Emotions are a part of life, a part of marriage.

What matters is how we deal with the emotions that either A. create unity in our marriage or B. a wall is placed between you and your spouse. ---- Telling your spouse that their emotions is wrong is putting a wall between the two of you. Not to mention, telling your spouse that their emotions are wrong, are actually putting yourself in the wrong by saying such a thing. Saying such things makes you superior over them, displays that you really don't care one ditty about their feelings. Putting a wall between the two of you comes from not working through issues, and I would like to highlight that working through issues even if you need to bring them back up from the past, does not make it bad. Keeping them in the past without ever working through them is what is bad. Do you want unity in your marriage? Care about them, care about their feelings, understand their feelings, learn to understand their feelings, help them heal by working through it by what they need from you to work through it; and be receptive in their healing, be the person who is on their knees (figuratively speaking) looking up with sincere apology in your heart and soul and want to work together.

The sad part about this is, all too often the spouse who displays superiority over their spouse tends to go unchecked; in that no matter how many times their spouse tries to find unity within the marriage, tries to help resolve the issue(s), even tries to go to therapy to have the marriage get help, the superior spouse doesn't see the wrong and hurtful things they are doing to pretty much dissolve the marriage itself, and to push away their spouse further. The superior spouse finds blame in every direction you can imagine and that blame is placed solely upon their spouses head. When this goes on and the superior spouse never realizes that this kind of contribution to the marriage actually kills the marriage, it also goes along the lines of emotional abuse. How do I know this? Because I've lived in this kind of abuse before, because a marital therapist thoroughly went over "superior" spouses and how it relates to emotional abuse. There is no sugar-coated truth to this, it is simply abuse, and it is wrong to be treated in such a way.

I have seen where some superior spouses realize the error of their ways and they step down from their pedestal to embrace their spouse in love, in kindness, in caring, in wanting to make the marriage work together. And fantastic when they do, fantastic when they humble themselves enough to realize that both spouses have an important role in the marriage, that they are equals.

Even in regular, run-of-the-mill marriages (without abuse situations) hurt feelings, anger, resentment happens and it can't just be felt and then not dealt with. It cannot just be pushed to the past, it must be worked through. If it isn't worked through between you and your spouse, it continues to fester and smoulder negative feelings which does not foster a nurturing feeling within oneself and your marriage as whole. It will always affect how you deal with issues in the here and now until it is resolved, until it is healed. It will also affect your overall feelings towards your spouse and hinder the ability to fully embrace a loving, caring relationship.

Deal with the issue head on. Bringing up the past is exactly what needs to happen, and sometimes you have to discuss that issue more than once, because the person who has been hurt by it has to heal from it. It doesn't simply just go away. Not dealing with it head on, just sours the marriage even more.

If you're not sure of how to deal with issues, if you're not sure how to work them out, get into therapy and I would highly recommend looking into a therapist that specializes in emotional focused therapy (EFT). There are different approaches to therapy and a lot of good can come out of it if you are not one above the other, only if you are willing to become unified in the marriage.

Journey through Emotional Focused Therapy

Again, I am revisiting "Resources"

This is the part I am revisiting in that article:

"I use the knowledge I learned from these marriage enriching courses in the marriage that I am in now. We work together as a couple, as a team, what a difference that makes in everything you do."

I did use these techniques and knowledge I had learned and I tried to teach my charm about them to help our own marriage. In the beginning (before marriage) we did have some good communication, but like with many marriages the idea of the "prize" being won and the things we did when we were courting just kind of slips out the door; though I do believe that some of our own circumstances had to do with our stepfamily beginnings as well. I thought for a long time we were effectively communicating, but realized as our therapist and in the book "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson puts it, that I was the one to engage and the more I engaged, the more my charm disengaged and for reason, reason that was discovered in therapy. More than that though, not having both of us having the opportunity to gather this knowledge together, truly understanding it to the "T" together was part in problem as far as effectively using these techniques in our own marriage. I will tell you that I personally did not understand for a long time why my charm could not understand that we could actually talk, resolve issues, disagreements, come to compromising solutions etc without the yelling, the fighting, the I'm-going-to-get-the-last-word-in or prove my point crap, the confrontation. But, we are learning why we do what we do, why we approach the way we do and we are learning to do it better and do it together effectively and learning to pull away from the examples of the past or through our past.

In "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson, she talks about what she calls "demon dialogues" - she gives 3 examples of these dialogues. While reading these dialogues, I realized that we were in two of them. I have also realized that while I can see that the fighting both directions in relationships does no good neither does engaging and disengaging nor does both keeping silent. The scary thing about the 3rd dialogue is that if a relationship gets to the silent part, both partners in essence have pretty much given up and this is generally where a therapist or divorce comes. Divorce has never been an option for me, I'm always willing to work through the issues (unless of course they are abusive situations, then the best thing for everyone is to get out), even if they are serious issues and I will do whatever I can to make it work because it is important to me, it is important for our kids.

Right now in our new adventures, we are learning to really dive into our love languages. And because we now have understood our demon dialogue, we can start to move forward and stop the cycle and become more emotionally secure.