Recently I have read a couple of articles on the distractions in marriages. Distractions that take us away from what is most important. Distractions that seem to sometimes have our finger wrapped around whatever it may be rather than what is most important - our spouse.
I have "suffered" from these distractions before, and on occasions I still do, though not as bad and I am a work in progress - (you may have figured out that one of my favorite motto's is "we all have room for improvement") - that is me, learning and improving as I go. I have an addictive personality, and I have to be constantly aware of that so I am focusing on moving forward rather than engrossing myself in things that are not of real benefit. I have to be careful with my time and really have my priorities straight.
What are some of the distractions in your marriage?
How about Facebook or other networking sites?
TV?
Video games?
Do you even really realize how it is affecting your spouse? Your marriage?
There was a time where I realized I was a part of too many websites, and I unsubscribed from many of them. And had to make a conscious effort to prioritize what was important to me online and what I could do without. Of course I am always getting offers to check out other social networking sites from friends, but I just have to turn my head the other way or politely say "no thanks."
When I got involved with Facebook, I had no idea what I was really getting myself into. It took me a good long time to pull away from the initial shock and bombardment of everything Facebook is and has to offer. I had to come up with a plan of action otherwise I had to just turn my back to it. I'm still working out the kinks and learning as I go, but not as involved as I was.
And, there was a time where my charm and I just weren't really spending any time together. And I felt like I was trying to get his attention, to spend some time together, but he was on his laptop, doing what I don't really know and eventually I just gave up and found something else to do. Though, my something else was not real positive for myself or our marriage. I was in the computer room, essentially wasting time and hoping that eventually we'd come together - though how does that happen when we are living in the same household, but spending time away from each other in two separate rooms?
During those times, I did waste my time on the computer. Though I have some good solid productivity on the computer that include some of my hobbies, such as journaling, our family website, creating photo books on Shutterfly, blogging, as well as staying in touch with my friends who keep me sane in this crazy thing called life. I also do side work with genealogy, and try and do that in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed. I have had to set aside a time each month to do these activities that really mean a lot to me. But then there is all the other stuff that bombards us on the computer that just really pulls more away from us.
I always think about how much technology is a great tool, yet it is also evil in more ways than one. I am a Christian, and I do believe that Satan has a good hold on people through media (video games and TV), through the many distractions of the computer. Just one more way of destroying the family, center to God's plan and destroying marriage. Sometimes these things can lead people down other paths that can destroy yourself, your marriage, and family. I urge you to take a good look at yourself and see where your behaviors are in regards to the distractions in your marriage. And don't go blaming your spouse for your behavior, of why you are playing a video game or other distractions that take away from the marriage itself. If you are doing that to fill a void within your marriage by doing something completely unrelated to the nurturing or growth of your marriage - well it really isn't helping, but hindering.
I know that at one point I made a point to spend my time on the computer because trying to spend time with my charm just didn't seem to be happening. But I realized the error of my mistake when I did that. So, I tried to replace that habit with something else, only it still wasn't the best of things being that it was two TV shows that were late at night, a time when I could have been spending it with my charm. Somehow, some way I needed to figure out how to reign our marriage in and relay my needs to spend time together, as I believed that he did too - we just simply weren't.
One of the things I think about, a motivator for me is that I never want my spouse or my children to ever feel like my time on the computer is more important than they are. I think about that and what a terrible feeling that would be for them, and what a bad example I would be to them in regards to healthy time spent on these distractions. For instance, if I spend time with my spouse or my son on the Wii for a short period of time, then that is healthy. If I spend time on the Wii by myself while my spouse wants to spend time with me me or my children need me or they want me to play with them, that is unhealthy.
Our marriages need nurturing on a daily basis! I am no angel when it comes to this, I have my faults, and am always a work in progress.
One of the articles I read is called "My Wife Is NOT My Friend (On Facebook)" This is a great article, and really puts things into perspective of just how fast, yet like a frog in a pot of water that is being slowly warmed up to its death doesn't suspect or see what is really going on until it is too late. Our marriages with all of these distractions are unhealthy for more reasons than one, the lack of nurturing, lack of effective communication and so on are unhealthy and over a period of time, though sometimes quickly leads us to hanging on by a rope in our marriages; we are essentially at our marital death.
And this is the other article I came across: "Addiction? Video games crowded out man's real life"
He talks about the video game World of Warcraft and just how much it affected his life as a whole. I think about how our minds are such precious gifts to us from God Himself. What are we really subjecting ourselves to? Are we enhancing our minds or destroying them? Sure a little fun with video games can be good fun, good activity times even with your spouse, but if you're so tied into something that you just can't take yourself away from it or it is replacing time with the lack of whatever is going on in your marriage, get yourself away from it and get some help for yourself, for your marriage, for your family!
Showing posts with label help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label help. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Take the Steps to Get Out! Now!
I'm going to dive into my past here a bit, in hopes to help anyone else that might be in an abusive relationship.
The people who are on the outside of the box looking in always comments on "Why don't you just get out? Why do you let him/her treat you this way?" etc.
Physical and Emotional abuse are very hard to get away from. If there is physical abuse going on, there is most certainly emotional abuse going on. Emotional abuse is our heavy anchor that won't allow us to think that we are worthy to escape, it has brought us down or even lower than we already maybe were to a level of despair, of low self-esteem, self-confidence. You question yourself in every aspect of your life. While deep down you know what this person is doing to you is wrong, getting away from it proves to be life-threatening, so staying is easier though very scary.
The abuser always portrays themselves as being on a pedestal -- higher than you. Anything that goes wrong in their day or their life or your life as a whole is your fault. They do not take responsibility for their actions or their words. They hurt you and turn around and sweet talk you back to thinking maybe there is hope that they will change. Or sweet talk you back to a "safe" zone just to turn around and backhand you with their actions or words. You often hear from victims of abuse that he loves me after she was just bruised - whether that be physical bruises or emotional bruises. Part of the "he loves me" talk is that if you don't say he wants you to say, even though it isn't truth, you know you'll get hurt worse the next time... just as trying to escape, to leave is nearly impossible because you will get hurt worse and perhaps even fear for your life, so holding onto your life though it isn't really yours (in abuse) and is under their control is all you have to hold onto.
When I was in HS and just out of HS I was in a "relationship" that was emotionally and physically abusive. It went on for 3 years; 3 years of hell. I tried numerous times to escape, but the hold was strong and others that should have helped when I reached out and they also knew what was going on only contributed to the issues. And even when those that I loved most did try to help, though they really had no idea what was going on, they only knew that the "relationship" was taking a negative toll on my life - they tried and I am glad they never gave up trying; even when I wanted to reach out and grab onto their rope they were tossing to me, I felt I had no choice but to stomp on it and walk the other direction. It is called being deathly scared. A passerby in a car watching inside of our car signaled to me if I needed help, and I did, I really, really did and I hoped that they would come through for me... but nothing happened. Nothing. I think of that moment off and on, I believe that asking for help from a total stranger was easier because my abuser didn't have any kind of association with them, they weren't above him or below him, they were just there. And when that help didn't follow through, my hope of getting out became slimmer and slimmer. Oh how I wish I would have called the police... numerous times. I wish things would have been different. I wish that perfect strangers that saw what was happening wouldn't turn the other cheek, embarrassed, not really knowing what to do and not understanding why I didn't just run. I wish they would have helped, showed my abuser that what he was doing was dead wrong. I wish I would have never gone through what I did.
I had already been suffering from depression, the last thing I needed was to get into any kind of relationship but especially an abusive one. So because I was already suffering from depression, I was brought down further into the depths of a different kind of hell. In essence, I was trapped under his control.
THERE IS NEVER A REASON, A JUSTIFICATION FOR ABUSE --- EVER!
I won't recount the things I do remember from that abusive relationship. I have forgiven my abuser, and I do believe I have healed from the incidents. I don't think about what happened on a daily basis, but they are incidents that I will never forget. I do hope through the experiences I have had, that somehow I will be able to help someone else.
For every negative expression thrown at you, replace it in your mind and heart with something positive even if you don't believe in it anymore - thanks to your spouse or significant other who smothered it to death. Tell yourself over and over again, "I do not deserve this!" --- "abuse is NOT love".... Positive reinforcement, like daily affirmations will start to arm you with courage. Try and surround yourself with those that lift you up. Find a support group. Make a plan and get out! Do whatever you need to do so your abuser will not hurt you anymore! And get to a therapist to help you heal from the abuse you've dealt with.
This may sound really strange, but the one thing that helped me cut my ties was after I got my first job, I bought myself a car. It was MY car, it was MY responsibility, and it gave me some sense of "power" to take the steps I needed to get away. That car was a symbol of simply my lifesaver in many ways.
And while I healed from the abuse, I ended up in two marriages after that that were negative, which I will at some later point in time get into those as well. During that process however, I learned a lot about myself, about forgiveness. I am grateful to the therapists that gave me those insights into myself and to help me move forward and make healthier decisions.
Below are some resources for abuse.
The people who are on the outside of the box looking in always comments on "Why don't you just get out? Why do you let him/her treat you this way?" etc.
Physical and Emotional abuse are very hard to get away from. If there is physical abuse going on, there is most certainly emotional abuse going on. Emotional abuse is our heavy anchor that won't allow us to think that we are worthy to escape, it has brought us down or even lower than we already maybe were to a level of despair, of low self-esteem, self-confidence. You question yourself in every aspect of your life. While deep down you know what this person is doing to you is wrong, getting away from it proves to be life-threatening, so staying is easier though very scary.
The abuser always portrays themselves as being on a pedestal -- higher than you. Anything that goes wrong in their day or their life or your life as a whole is your fault. They do not take responsibility for their actions or their words. They hurt you and turn around and sweet talk you back to thinking maybe there is hope that they will change. Or sweet talk you back to a "safe" zone just to turn around and backhand you with their actions or words. You often hear from victims of abuse that he loves me after she was just bruised - whether that be physical bruises or emotional bruises. Part of the "he loves me" talk is that if you don't say he wants you to say, even though it isn't truth, you know you'll get hurt worse the next time... just as trying to escape, to leave is nearly impossible because you will get hurt worse and perhaps even fear for your life, so holding onto your life though it isn't really yours (in abuse) and is under their control is all you have to hold onto.
When I was in HS and just out of HS I was in a "relationship" that was emotionally and physically abusive. It went on for 3 years; 3 years of hell. I tried numerous times to escape, but the hold was strong and others that should have helped when I reached out and they also knew what was going on only contributed to the issues. And even when those that I loved most did try to help, though they really had no idea what was going on, they only knew that the "relationship" was taking a negative toll on my life - they tried and I am glad they never gave up trying; even when I wanted to reach out and grab onto their rope they were tossing to me, I felt I had no choice but to stomp on it and walk the other direction. It is called being deathly scared. A passerby in a car watching inside of our car signaled to me if I needed help, and I did, I really, really did and I hoped that they would come through for me... but nothing happened. Nothing. I think of that moment off and on, I believe that asking for help from a total stranger was easier because my abuser didn't have any kind of association with them, they weren't above him or below him, they were just there. And when that help didn't follow through, my hope of getting out became slimmer and slimmer. Oh how I wish I would have called the police... numerous times. I wish things would have been different. I wish that perfect strangers that saw what was happening wouldn't turn the other cheek, embarrassed, not really knowing what to do and not understanding why I didn't just run. I wish they would have helped, showed my abuser that what he was doing was dead wrong. I wish I would have never gone through what I did.
I had already been suffering from depression, the last thing I needed was to get into any kind of relationship but especially an abusive one. So because I was already suffering from depression, I was brought down further into the depths of a different kind of hell. In essence, I was trapped under his control.
THERE IS NEVER A REASON, A JUSTIFICATION FOR ABUSE --- EVER!
I won't recount the things I do remember from that abusive relationship. I have forgiven my abuser, and I do believe I have healed from the incidents. I don't think about what happened on a daily basis, but they are incidents that I will never forget. I do hope through the experiences I have had, that somehow I will be able to help someone else.
For every negative expression thrown at you, replace it in your mind and heart with something positive even if you don't believe in it anymore - thanks to your spouse or significant other who smothered it to death. Tell yourself over and over again, "I do not deserve this!" --- "abuse is NOT love".... Positive reinforcement, like daily affirmations will start to arm you with courage. Try and surround yourself with those that lift you up. Find a support group. Make a plan and get out! Do whatever you need to do so your abuser will not hurt you anymore! And get to a therapist to help you heal from the abuse you've dealt with.
This may sound really strange, but the one thing that helped me cut my ties was after I got my first job, I bought myself a car. It was MY car, it was MY responsibility, and it gave me some sense of "power" to take the steps I needed to get away. That car was a symbol of simply my lifesaver in many ways.
And while I healed from the abuse, I ended up in two marriages after that that were negative, which I will at some later point in time get into those as well. During that process however, I learned a lot about myself, about forgiveness. I am grateful to the therapists that gave me those insights into myself and to help me move forward and make healthier decisions.
Below are some resources for abuse.
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