Are you in one of those boats where you're realizing in your adulthood and marriage that you are doing things that you saw your parents do in their marriage, things that you didn't necessarily like or that gave you bad feelings growing up? Are you making excuses as to why you act the way you do with your spouse because of the example that was set for you? Are you making excuses for your spouse as to why they are the way they are? Are you angry with your parents for not being more of what you needed to go into your marital relationship with more positive attributes?
Look, we all have something we take that is either positive or negative from our childhood into our adulthood. Why? Because no parent has a solid-proof how-to book that comes out with you from the womb. Whether you, yourself is a parent right now you will either know or come to know that you do the very best you can at the time of each situation. We are who we are because of the trials we've come through throughout our life, not just something negative that we may have pulled out from our upbringing that you may not like to see in yourself.
You don't like it? Is it affecting your marriage in a negative way? Change it. You have the ability to learn a different song and dance, a different tune... You have the ability and maybe not know-how yet, but you can learn the know-how through a marital therapist. Be patient with yourself and your spouse as you learn to instill in yourself a better way to whatever it is that you are dealing with.
Are you angry with your parents for this example they set for you? My best advice is to get over it. Like I said, they did the best with what the knew how or felt at the time. If you are a parent, you know that even as a parent you make mistakes - parent's are not perfect - and we should make the necessary steps to forgive them. Perhaps mentally stepping in their shoes at the time of something that you're holding onto would help you understand why they did what they did, why they said what they said. Do you even know what trials they were going through themselves and how that played a roll in their own decisions as parents? When you can let it go, give it to God and move on, a huge weight will be lifted from your shoulders.
I love my parents. I know that they did their best in all the situations that arose for them and their family. I am grateful for my parents in many ways throughout my life, their unconditional love and always trying their best to show me what was best. And despite running into a few things here and there that I have learned to change within myself and marriage, this is an understanding I have come to over the years and I am grateful for their example and I am grateful for the releasing breathe of fresh air of realizing that my parents are not perfect.
Of course, there is always a process involved with change. Sometimes that process is taking steps forward and back again. As long as you are moving forward, no matter the steps you take back will lessen over time.
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