Making the Effort

"Procrastination hurts people -- Laziness prevents us from being loving. Love requires commitment, energy, and work. A lot of people just don't want to work at being loving; it's easier to be lazy. Many marriages break up because one spouse -- perhaps both spouses - are unwilling to make the effort necessary to save the marriage." -- The Agape Connection

 This is true, very, very true. 

So, what if you DO go to marital therapy? You still have to ACT on the "TOOLS" that your therapist gives you to work through each and every day for your marriage. It can sometimes be very difficult to get into a new motion of not being "lazy" and to have commitment towards your spouse. But, do you like where you are at right now? The not doing anything about it, bad feelings towards each other, disconnection, lack of feeling loved etc. Do you like where things are going? 

 STOP and do whatever you need to to change your attitude - an attitude of "I care about my spouse, I want her/him to be happy, yes we need to work through some issues, but holding onto and keeping a dark cloud overhead isn't helping myself or the feeling within our household or marriage. Seek out what you do love about your spouse -because the more you look at the things that bother you the more you're going to go on the downward spiral. And the more you look at every little positive thing, and acknowledge those positive things, the better you will feel and will help your marriage get out of a rut. How about you look at what your spouse needs from you? Instead of what you think he/she needs and do it with love. Choose to love - CHOOSE, because LOVE IS a CHOICE. Strengthen yourself individually, but work at strengthening your marriage. 

I find that even through therapy, there are some insights that you may have never thought of or thought of in that way, that do help you pick up your feet and want to move forward. Marriage is hard work, but worth it - you want to be happy right? Then work at it, stop procrastinating, and DO. 

Stop pointing fingers. Stop trying to be "right". Stop arguing and start learning what is best for you and your spouse to have effective communication. Remember that you both perceive things differently, have different feelings - but can come to understand where the other person is coming from, don't downgrade their feelings. Remember that "The Joneses" marriage doesn't mean that you have to be a carbon copy - that every marriage is what is best for you and your spouse, there are no carbon copies. Figure out what your expectations have been, are, and what your goals are individually and what you'd like to see in your marriage. Be reasonable. Care about the other person. Stop mumbling, stop rolling your eyes, stop giving the silent treatment or do a guessing game of what the other is feeling or thinking. LISTEN and listen without coming up with your comeback, because you are not listening if you are doing that. LISTEN and learn to understand, CLARIFY what you hear so there are no misunderstandings and unnecessary hurt feelings. Work through hurt that has been caused in the past that is hurting your here and now and the future. Remember healing takes time and you can help one another through it. 

PRACTICE makes perfect. Learning new techniques do not happen over night. Be patient with one another. But LEARN what you need to in order to move forward in your marriage. Don't stay at a standstill, because the more you do, the more apart you become emotionally and the easier it is to just throw in the towel. Marriage is worth fighting for. Divorce sucks for so many reasons. Do everything you can to fight for it, and fight for it in the right ways.

Remember the things that you loved about that person before you married them. Do those things that made you feel giddy back in the day. Find other things that bring you closer together. The best advice we received from a therapist is 3 points :: 

1. Focus on Spiritual Strength in Relationship weekly.

2. Focus on Emotional & Mental Commitment to each other weekly.

3. Focus on Physical Activity with each other (couple time) regularly (weekly).

 This overall makes or breaks the marriage - if you aren't doing these things - your marriage will break. Don't let that happen!