Forgive Your Parents & Make A Change

Are you in one of those boats where you're realizing in your adulthood and marriage that you are doing things that you saw your parents do in their marriage, things that you didn't necessarily like or that gave you bad feelings growing up? Are you making excuses as to why you act the way you do with your spouse because of the example that was set for you? Are you making excuses for your spouse as to why they are the way they are? Are you angry with your parents for not being more of what you needed to go into your marital relationship with more positive attributes?

Look, we all have something we take that is either positive or negative from our childhood into our adulthood. Why? Because no parent has a solid-proof how-to book that comes out with you from the womb. Whether you, yourself is a parent right now you will either know or come to know that you do the very best you can at the time of each situation. We are who we are because of the trials we've come through throughout our life, not just something negative that we may have pulled out from our upbringing that you may not like to see in yourself.

You don't like it? Is it affecting your marriage in a negative way? Change it. You have the ability to learn a different song and dance, a different tune... You have the ability and maybe not know-how yet, but you can learn the know-how through a marital therapist. Be patient with yourself and your spouse as you learn to instill in yourself a better way to whatever it is that you are dealing with.

Are you angry with your parents for this example they set for you? My best advice is to get over it. Like I said, they did the best with what the knew how or felt at the time. If you are a parent, you know that even as a parent you make mistakes - parent's are not perfect - and we should make the necessary steps to forgive them. Perhaps mentally stepping in their shoes at the time of something that you're holding onto would help you understand why they did what they did, why they said what they said. Do you even know what trials they were going through themselves and how that played a roll in their own decisions as parents? When you can let it go, give it to God and move on, a huge weight will be lifted from your shoulders.

I love my parents. I know that they did their best in all the situations that arose for them and their family. I am grateful for my parents in many ways throughout my life, their unconditional love and always trying their best to show me what was best. And despite running into a few things here and there that I have learned to change within myself and marriage, this is an understanding I have come to over the years and I am grateful for their example and I am grateful for the releasing breathe of fresh air of realizing that my parents are not perfect.
Of course, there is always a process involved with change. Sometimes that process is taking steps forward and back again. As long as you are moving forward, no matter the steps you take back will lessen over time.

Release the Hurt

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?"

 -- Quote from Buckeye BonusMom on FB 

This applies to another blog I do called "Yours, Mine, & Ours" but I felt like this quote really applied to marriage too. It is inevitable that we are going to non-intentionally hurt our spouse emotionally from time to time and in varying degrees. You may not think about something before you speak it or you may not know how to word it in a way that embraces rather than pushes them away - hurting your spouse. You may do something that you know in hindsight was stupid and know that you hurt your spouse, or maybe you've said or done something that you are unaware of that hurt your spouse. 

 Whatever the source of the affliction, be willing to work through it together, help one another through the healing process of it all. Learn how to express yourself better so that it doesn't attack your spouse, learn to listen, learn to be a team and then release the hurt, the fear and move forward in strength.

Making the Effort

"Procrastination hurts people -- Laziness prevents us from being loving. Love requires commitment, energy, and work. A lot of people just don't want to work at being loving; it's easier to be lazy. Many marriages break up because one spouse -- perhaps both spouses - are unwilling to make the effort necessary to save the marriage." -- The Agape Connection

 This is true, very, very true. 

So, what if you DO go to marital therapy? You still have to ACT on the "TOOLS" that your therapist gives you to work through each and every day for your marriage. It can sometimes be very difficult to get into a new motion of not being "lazy" and to have commitment towards your spouse. But, do you like where you are at right now? The not doing anything about it, bad feelings towards each other, disconnection, lack of feeling loved etc. Do you like where things are going? 

 STOP and do whatever you need to to change your attitude - an attitude of "I care about my spouse, I want her/him to be happy, yes we need to work through some issues, but holding onto and keeping a dark cloud overhead isn't helping myself or the feeling within our household or marriage. Seek out what you do love about your spouse -because the more you look at the things that bother you the more you're going to go on the downward spiral. And the more you look at every little positive thing, and acknowledge those positive things, the better you will feel and will help your marriage get out of a rut. How about you look at what your spouse needs from you? Instead of what you think he/she needs and do it with love. Choose to love - CHOOSE, because LOVE IS a CHOICE. Strengthen yourself individually, but work at strengthening your marriage. 

I find that even through therapy, there are some insights that you may have never thought of or thought of in that way, that do help you pick up your feet and want to move forward. Marriage is hard work, but worth it - you want to be happy right? Then work at it, stop procrastinating, and DO. 

Stop pointing fingers. Stop trying to be "right". Stop arguing and start learning what is best for you and your spouse to have effective communication. Remember that you both perceive things differently, have different feelings - but can come to understand where the other person is coming from, don't downgrade their feelings. Remember that "The Joneses" marriage doesn't mean that you have to be a carbon copy - that every marriage is what is best for you and your spouse, there are no carbon copies. Figure out what your expectations have been, are, and what your goals are individually and what you'd like to see in your marriage. Be reasonable. Care about the other person. Stop mumbling, stop rolling your eyes, stop giving the silent treatment or do a guessing game of what the other is feeling or thinking. LISTEN and listen without coming up with your comeback, because you are not listening if you are doing that. LISTEN and learn to understand, CLARIFY what you hear so there are no misunderstandings and unnecessary hurt feelings. Work through hurt that has been caused in the past that is hurting your here and now and the future. Remember healing takes time and you can help one another through it. 

PRACTICE makes perfect. Learning new techniques do not happen over night. Be patient with one another. But LEARN what you need to in order to move forward in your marriage. Don't stay at a standstill, because the more you do, the more apart you become emotionally and the easier it is to just throw in the towel. Marriage is worth fighting for. Divorce sucks for so many reasons. Do everything you can to fight for it, and fight for it in the right ways.

Remember the things that you loved about that person before you married them. Do those things that made you feel giddy back in the day. Find other things that bring you closer together. The best advice we received from a therapist is 3 points :: 

1. Focus on Spiritual Strength in Relationship weekly.

2. Focus on Emotional & Mental Commitment to each other weekly.

3. Focus on Physical Activity with each other (couple time) regularly (weekly).

 This overall makes or breaks the marriage - if you aren't doing these things - your marriage will break. Don't let that happen!