What was your example of conflict growing up? Were there some negative aspects and or positive aspects? What are you doing in your own marriage that you disliked from your parents? I would imagine if it was negative to you, you probably don't enjoy doing it in your own marriage. So, how do you get away from that? It takes learning a new way, getting the right tools in doing just that together, and being patient with one another because it doesn't happen over night. It takes patience, forgiveness, and do overs to make it right. What do you want to be the example you set for your children for their future? How do you want them to go about their own marriage, in communication?
All too often I hear that the "out" of never effectively communicating with one another is divorce. Have you thought about that if you do divorce that those problems will still be there, because you haven't actually resolved them. But, not only have you now not resolved those, but you've now thrown in a whole different dynamic of issues from divorce. You can tell me that you're not one of those people, but there are very few and far between divorces that stay on the same page. And regardless of what you think, you've really stirred up some issues for the rest of your life and your kids'. Perhaps you've gotten away from the constant yelling, but what did that just teach them? And where did dad or mom go? Why aren't both of you there to be with them in all that they go through? Disagreements between your now ex will still be there, only you just intensified it with common divorce issues. Whether they hear it directly or not, they will be affected for the rest of their lives to one degree or another, and in my personal experiences of watching divorced kids (my friend's stepkids, to my own), the intensity is pretty crazy at times. The problems don't go away suddenly because you've divorced. The problems go away when you work through them together without divorcing.
Do you feel like maybe you're sick of trying? Gone to a therapist or two and haven't resolved anything? Have you used any of the tools they've given you to move forward and for a good amount of time? If it still isn't working, have you tried other techniques that are taught through therapists? I assure you that just because you've gone to one or more therapists and haven't found your niche in tools to use in your marriage, doesn't mean that it is time to give up. Sure, it is hard to keep going when you feel burned out. But, at the very least do it for your kids because they deserve both of their parents under the same roof. At some point in time, your motive of staying together will change - and you'll want to be together, not just for the kids.
Do you feel like you're just done feeling like you're doing your part, but feeling like your spouse isn't? Is putting the blame on your spouse going to get you in a positive cycle or negative one? "It's her." -- "It's him."
Are you BOTH arguing? Are you arguing your point, to get it across, to show your spouse that you're right and they are wrong? Is that effective? And is this about being right? Or is this about understanding each other, learning to perhaps is the better phrase. Or is it about caring about how your spouse is feeling and why and how you can better yourself to be a better spouse to them. Don't tell me that it is his or her fault when you are BOTH yelling at each other. Be the bigger person and tell your spouse, "I am happy to talk about this issue, but until you can respect me to do just that, I will not engage in yelling." I know, easier said than done because your boiling within and you WANT things to be better, you WANT them to UNDERSTAND you. This really isn't about being right, it is about being understood. You want the one person who should love you whole-hardheartedly to simply understand.
Blaming or pointing the finger didn't ever help. Sure, someone else could be more at fault, but you're both in a marriage, you're not married to yourself, work through it together -help each other, learn about the other person and why and dig down deeply with compassion and the love will follow again.
I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, every 6 months in April and October we have LDS General Conference. One of the General Conferences, in 2007, I remember Elder James E. Faust talking about "Enriching Your Marriage", and touched on the subject of divorce. He was practicing law many years ago... shared an experience of a woman who wanted a divorce. You can read that full article here: "Enriching Your Marriage". But some things I will never forget from that talk:
"There are no simple, easy answers to the challenging and complex questions of happiness in marriage. Among the many supposed reasons for divorce are the serious problems of selfishness, immaturity, lack of commitment, inadequate communication, and unfaithfulness.
In my experience there is another reason for failure of marriage that seems not so obvious but that precedes and laces through all of the others. It is the lack of a constant enrichment in marriage, an absence of that something extra which makes it precious, special, and wonderful, and without which it becomes drudgery or difficult or even dull."
The one part of this that stuck out in my mind the most for whatever reason at the time was that "divorce... [is] selfish[ness]". When you really look at it that way - regardless of the situation, though again divorce is okay in some circumstances - life threatening, abusive... well, divorce is indeed selfish. Your end goal for divorce is to remove yourself from constant conflict without actually working through it together. Affecting both of you - if you don't have kids, along with both sides of your family, mutual friends. And if you do have kids, you're affecting them in ways you never thought you'd ever encounter or that existed. Divorce with kids is a whole different dynamic than if you would have just stayed married.
The best thing you can do is learn to effectively communicate, learn to get along, and do the things you enjoyed together when you first started dating. Just because you "won" your bride or groom, doesn't mean that what you did to impress your spouse is over. We should be at our best with one another, we should be able to relax with them, but be at your best. Impress them. It doesn't take much to get that spark going again, it is there. If you have the fight in you to yell at each other, there is still a burning desire to make things right. Stop yelling and put your energies to where the cycle can start being positive! And be the example to your kids that you want to set for their own marriage. When the tough and rough get going in communicating, work through it! Isn't that worth it to you to have happiness in your marriage, to put that cherry on top of everything else? Isn't that worth it for your kids?
No comments:
Post a Comment